My head is fried, please help MNs, sorry its long..

[marmon]

My ds is 4yrs8mnths and he has been at school since September. He is happy enough and enjoys it but the only thing he seems to have learnt is how to have serious attitude. He is very aggressive and at times quite violent e.g punching, kicking and spitting particuarly his sister and at times me. There are other boys in this class like this and i know he is picking it up from them because i talk to the Mums in the playground about it. I have seen his teacher and she has told me he is emotionally immature?! He is 4 ffs! but there you go. Anyway my point is my son has some money left in a trust by his father who sadly died when i was pregnant and he could inherit quite alot when he is 18 or we could use it now for a private education. I am in a dilemma i know his late father had a problem with teenagers inheriting lots of money, so he would probably say use the money for his education. I would also like to say his father died suddenly and did not leave a will so this is why his unborn son got the money. Anyway there are some lovely private schools where i live but i am scared of the unknown and worry if i am out of my depth sending my ds to a school like this. What would you guys do?

I think it is at least worth investigating. I think it so sad that there are so many threads on MN with teachers labelling 4 years as immature! Of course they are immature, they are 4 years old!

Do you have any montessori schools in your area that cover the primary years. Montessori takes a much more holistic approach and allows the child to develop at their own rate, research shows at by the age of 11 they usually outperform other children despite having a much more relaxed approach to schooling.

I don't think putting him in a private school will solve the problem tbh. He will still be a young one. I would try and work with the teacher on how you can help him. FWIW my DD is four a half now and has found real attitude since starting school. What I want to know is if we are all trying to bring our kids up to be nice and kind etc who are they getting all the crap stuff off?

Wow, you are so lucky to have this option!!!!! I'm surprised you sent him to state school at all.

Get him in a good private school. This money will set him up for an excellent start in life.

CAt64 her words were he was "socially immature" not emotionally as i put originally. I know he will still be young and there are children with attitude wherever you go. I am wondering whether my son needs a school with more discipline and smaller classrooms and as he is very physical one that does alot of sports. I know i may seem lucky nametaken but its been a long difficult road for the last five years and even though his father is dead i still want to make him proud. Sorry to sound stupid.

marmon, i onyl have a dd who is 16 mths but i would say ask around the local private scholls get a feel for the place, but also ask for a proper meeting with the scholl to get to the bottom of it. did yuor dd go to the same school? is your dd ok at school

sorrt very poor typing tonight

My dd went to a different school and to be honest from what i have witnessed i think girls and boys get treated very differently at school. My son has only been at the school full time since January and in the third week of the new term i had the head teacher telling me that he needed to be observed and making hints that there may be more of a problem. The only "problem" i can see is he is a very boisterous, lively little boy and yes he is not perfect but i feel that little boys who have got alot of energy are pigeonholed nowadays as difficult and must be suffering from some sort of hyperactivity disorder. At home he plays for hours with his cars and loves to watch films, he also likes to jump off the furniture and pretend he is Sportacus! As for my dd she is very quiet and arty and has never had a problem with school.

marmon your ds sound fantastic go and look round at other schools prviate or not and find a really lovely place that will support and inspire him .He sounds like he has bags of personality, dont let anyone spoil that

Why do you worry that you would be "out of your depth" sending him to private school? If you are thinking all the other families there will have a really posh background, you might be very surprised. A lot of private schools nowadays are full of what they call "first time buyers" - families that have no history of private school, but will economise in other ways to do this for their child.

You could look at the private schools in your area and get an idea what they are like and whether they would suit him. If you look at the morning drop-off time, you'll see what kind of cars they drive, which will give you an idea!

Oh the old head frying after collecting them from school marmon!! DS1 sounds exactly like yours and we are having exactly the same angst about whether to think about private too. Our problem is that his intake in reception was very small, only six other boys and with the exception of two of them, not the best influences on DS We go round and round in circles every night- we'll sell the house and find a really lovely primary where the teacher is supportive ( DS's just doesn't communicate with us)then the next night it's no, let's stick it out until he's a couple of years older and move him then. Then yesterday we had really had enough and I actually phoned one of the private school to have a look round. They were meant to call back as the secretary thought that the Year 1 intake for Sept is full but hasn't
So you are not alone. Have a look around and if you decide to go for it, it's a great use of his trust fund

Thanks for the words of encouragement fatzak its nice to know i am not alone with this decision. If i am honest AMUMINSCOTLAND i am nervous about the other mothers and perhaps i have a slightly old fashioned view of private schools and think everyone is rich and they all talk properly. I expect it is nothing like that and i will hopefully be surprised.

I would certainly go and look round if I was you, and see if they feel like the kind of place where he'd thrive. If the staff make you feel very uncomfortable, that maybe means they're not the right place for you or him, but I suspect you'll find at least one where you feel you'd both settle in easily.

The only thing I would say is that I see from your posts that you also have a DD. Would you have the option of sending her to private school also? Because, if not, you might need to consider carefully how it might affect her relationship with her brother if he had access to something that she did not.
I may be totally misreading your post, but if I am not it is something to bear in mind.

My dd knows that her brother inherited the money from his Dad, he was not my daughters father. She is very happy infact she wants him to go to boarding school so she can get rid of her annoying little brother lol!! I am in Surrey and i am going to look at one this morning which is mixed and has 200 pupils in the whole school. I saw one on saturday which seemed really lovely and very relaxed so today is really decision day.

My ds also developed an attitude when he started school, they do also get bursts of testosterone at around age 4 so that might be a factor in his playing up.

My ds also developed an attitude when he started school, they do also get bursts of testosterone at around age 4 so that might be a factor in his playing up.

In answer to the OP, it depends whether "emotionally immature" is a critcism or just a statement of fact - reception age children vary a lot. DS's reception teacher said this to me about the class as a whole - and she adapted her teaching style to suit.

My advice would be to look at all the options and choose the best for your DS (not neccesarily the "best" school). Will the money last all the way through - only if I had to choose I would definitely prioritise private secondary education / funding for further education over private primary school.

Have read most of the thread, but sorry if I say something that has already been said.

Are you thinking that there are not badly behaved children in private education?

Kids pick up behaviour from others, no matter where they go to school, it is all a part of developing judgement.

Are you ALLOWED to use the money?

I personally am with stealth on this - save it for uni/ maybe travelling or a house..?

I wish that i could use the money for entertaintment but it is tied up and can only be used for my ds upbringing, e.g clothes,school trips etc. He went to private nursery as a toddler and the money obviously paid for that and i must admit he really thrived there. Like i said earlier i am in a dilemma because my late partner would really not like his son inheriting a small fortune at 18 and would probably support me that a good education is paramount. I am sure there are lots of naughty children at private schools and i except it probably has it problems to, but be honest what i have seen so far of the private schools is very confident, happy children and extremely enthusiastic teachers who do not look worn out and stressed as my dd and ds teachers do.

So what aspects of it are you worried about? Your OP said you thought you might be out of your depth - in what way?

You have the luxury of being able to choose the right school for your DS irrespective of whether it is private or state. That's great - and FWIW I think issues like you describe are often better dealt with in (good) private schools, if only because of smaller class sizes making it possible for the staff to treat children more as individuals.

I think i possibly have a class issue. If my partner had not died there is no way i could have sent my ds to private school. I know you may think i am silly but we do not live in a massive house, we are not rich and i wonder if my ds will feel left out as he gets older and sees what the other kids may have materially. I know its not important but peer pressure and all that may make him feel left out. Like someone else said alot of people who send there children to private schools these days are working long hours and probably remortgaging there homes. I do not know i am babbling, perhaps anyone who sends there children to private school could tell me how it really is.

Well, I'm not in Surrey, which has a reputation as a wealthy county, but at our independent primary there are plenty of families who can just about afford the fees. Lots of old cars, single holiday in a gite in France or similar (or camping), plenty of single parents btw, very ordinary houses . Parents come from all walks of life but where we are City types with lots of money are almost absent. We are mostly nurses, teachers, public servants, engineers etc.
So you might find a good social mix that you feel comfortable with.
Small class sizes are a great help with managing lively little bods in Reception, and that's something that many independent schools can offer.
Our Head of Early Years is Montessori-trained and she is superbly laid-back about her little charges