DS2 Year 1 two subsets below average ....extremely upset

[elfsmum]

parents evening tonight, teacher explaining his targets to me and looking very worried, his end of year targets are to be at 1c.

Then went on to explain that he is quite immature, he uses immature words for his age (he'll be 6 this month) and that they were borderline about doing an EIA or IEA (some sort of individual action plan)

I then looked at his work and got the shock of my life, his literacy book was a succession of letters with not one recognisable word.

all of the notes in his book saying how with help his could do his work, and from what I gather from the teachers he has a lot of 1 on 1 when a parent helper is in.

they then went on to tell me what a lovely boy he is, and when he talks about his family the love shines out of him.

we discussed how some of his speech is immature (he says nana instead of banana), and he's still wet at night (reward chart in place no effect) and he goes to bed with a mass of teddies around him.

they've said they don't think it's a specific problem, just maturity, but he needs a lot of patience and work to catch up, if he doesn't it will be very obvious next year.

I feel like I've really failed him, I was crying when I left the class room, me and DH ended up having a row, he would sooner have a "thick happy child" than a sad intelligent one, which is a really great sentiment when I feel so responsible for not sitting with him more

not noticing how far behind he was, and generally letting him get on with enjoying being a little boy

I'm crying whilst I write this I really feel like cr@p - he's such a happy little boy, and chatty with a fabulous imagination, and I can't even begin to explain how much I feel like I've failed him

and btw this wasn't a guilt trip by the teachers, they were trying to be supportive - it was just a massive realisation by me

what experience do others have, can he catch up ? what can I do to help him ?

Oh, please try not to blame yourself, children do mature at different rates and its very likely nothing to do with what you have/havent done.

He sounds like such a lovely boy, and I know (being a teacher myself) that the teacher would not have said those lovely things without meaning them. you must be a very loving Mum.

You could help him with reading and writing by doing just a little every day, and making it as unpressurised as possible. Perhaps start by making sure he is confident with his letters - you can play games like Bingo to make this more fun. also games like I spy are good if you find he has problems hearing the sounds in words. for writing you could do a little diary at weekends - just one sentence at a time will be enough. Ask him what he wants to write, and then help him sound out the words, or write them from memory if they are common words like "the".

I hope this helps, please dont be so hard on yourself.

Oh, please try not to blame yourself, children do mature at different rates and its very likely nothing to do with what you have/havent done.

He sounds like such a lovely boy, and I know (being a teacher myself) that the teacher would not have said those lovely things without meaning them. you must be a very loving Mum.

You could help him with reading and writing by doing just a little every day, and making it as unpressurised as possible. Perhaps start by making sure he is confident with his letters - you can play games like Bingo to make this more fun. also games like I spy are good if you find he has problems hearing the sounds in words. for writing you could do a little diary at weekends - just one sentence at a time will be enough. Ask him what he wants to write, and then help him sound out the words, or write them from memory if they are common words like "the".

I hope this helps, please dont be so hard on yourself.

elfsmum - please, please please do not beat yourself up! A happy little boy, with love shining out of him?? A little boy who has been allowed to "get on with enjoying being a little boy"? That is a little boy who has been given a very good start .

Look - he's quite young in his year, he is still maturing, at his own pace, but making progress. I think it is about this time last year that i was telling DS's Yr 1 teacher that we would not be doing reading practice because it was causing us such angt and the pressure was upsetting him. Now he reads confidently and fluently.

Please don't worry! You could gently give him some help and support, and if the school think that in due course he would benefit from some help, then so be it - the children in DS's class that have had extra support have flown and flourished very quickly.

And as for teddies - ALL DS's friends - 6 and 7 - have heaps of stuffed animals on thier beds!

thank you, so glad not to have been ignored

when i read him his story before I asked him if he could recognise any of the words and he got go, as, in but when doing his homework her really struggled to retain "the"

DH and I have resolved at least 15 minutes each night, including weekend, and doing things like writing a shopping list - so practical things that he may not notice

what is the Bingo game ?

sorry for double posts!

By the way, I really believe we start school too young in Britain. If your little boy has a fabulous imagination, and is so happy and friendly then I believe you have given him a great start in life. Theres no reason why he shouldnt catch up, in many countries he wouldnt even have started school yet.

oh, EM, you poor thing! what a horrible parents' evening. I am sure someone much more helpful than me will post, like Twiglett or someone, but in the mean time, the Gov targets have come under HUGE criticism as they are not helpful for many children and definitely don't favour late-born-in-academic-year boys!

listen, if you lived in Germany/Switzerland he'd still be at kindergarten!! Please don't be too upset, though totally can understand. he's not even 6, fgs!

he

haven't given him a sex change tonight

Please don't be upset. I had a similar situation with my dd1 when she was a little older than your ds - in year 2. Like you I blamed myself for being too busy with three dc's and for not being the uber mum I thought I should be. I worried about her for a couple of years - this year she's now in top groups for all her subjects and is doing fantastically well. She just needed to grow up in her own time.

I love the fact that she's not the most streetwise child, she's getting a proper childhood.

Your ds will be fine, he is loved and he knows he is - you really can't ask for more.

Is he your first???? I think it's very hard to have any idea of what is "average" if you haven't got others to compare it to.

6 is very young, for boys especially, to get to grips with lots of the academic stuff.

Your dh is right in a way - if your son is happy and loving you have given him the best start in life.

I'm sure once the shock wears off you will feel better and realise that all is not lost. My dd was quite behind in September (I did realise this though) but suddenly everything clicked and she lept through a few stages really quickly so you just don't know what's around the corner.

Big hugs and chin up all is far from lost

Oh and dd2 who is in year 1 now, can hardly get into her bed for teddies.

blimey, I think he sounds bloody gorgeous!

In Scandanavian countries, children aren't even sent to school till they're 7.

No failure, just so happy being himself, he's not pressured to keep up with other kids, just 'maturing' at his own speed.

Lovely

He may just catch up...he is only little. If he has got a good imagination then that is fab.

Hugs xxxx

Do not feel guilty,if no one had expressed concerns before how were you to know there was an issue?

Secondly,he is not yet six,and in Scandinavian countries a lot of kids are not even in formal schooling and are "enjoying being little boys/girls" without the awful emphasis on testing we seem to have here.

I would see if you can make an appointment with his teacher again to discuss areas that you could help support him in an enjoyable way without it becoming a big issue.

FWIW I can somewhat understand how sad you are feeling.My youngest has global delays and it always brings a lump to throat when I see her shuffling around on her little bottom making her funny sounds when around her younger toddlers are walking and talking away.However she seems happy and smily and loves being with other kids.

yeah, wise words, Scanner, dd is yera 1 and really still much more....babyish than many of her peers, and she is babied, she is our PFB and we are a very loving and not sort of into gadgets and modern living type of family. we just like our own company and being together.

I'm sure it's that which makes dd seem younger than a lot of her peers, but I am so glad she is living what I see as a childhood, full of innocence and simple pleasures.

Maybe he could play some of the games on the BBC schools website? Some good, simple maths games on there.

Bingo game - well you can play it in different ways depending on what stage he is at. You need base cards divided into about 9/12 sections and then you have single cards which can be shuffled which you turn over one at a time and if players have corresponding letter/picture they place a counter on it -first person to cover whole base card shouts Bingo!

So, you could just have letters on the cards and your DS has to name the sound of the letter before he can put a counter on his board. Or you could have simple pictures on the base boards but still letters on the single cards and DS can cover the picture that begins with the letter on the card. You can make this game harder by using letter combinations (like sh/ou/oi etc) and having pictures which incorporate these sounds.

Takes a bit of time to make, but its good fun!

You haven't failed him, you love him and he is happy. If anything I think if the school had concerns they should have voiced them sooner but anyway hopefully he will now get the help he needs to catch up and now that you know the situation you will be able to help him. We all sometimes feel we are failing our dcs in some way, but you must be doing something right if he is so happy, imaginative and able to express that he knows how much you love him.

He sounds a sweetie.

Does he enjoy school? That's the most important thing. I don't really understand the '2 subsets' but (I have a ds in year 1 as well) but that doesn't sound worrying to me. Surely 50% of kids (roughly) will be somewhere below average.

I suspect they were talking about an IEP (individual education plan). Lots of children have them. It's nothing really bad. It's to help the teachers work out what a child needs to focus on (and it makes it easier for you to see what they're doing as well).

DS2 takes teddies to bed as well. I thought all 6 year olds did!

Don't really have any words of wisdom except to say -

Bed wetting - don't worry about this - my DS1 is 7 (in YR2) and still wets several times a night EVERY night.

Teddies - so what! I remember coming home from boarding school (in my teens) and carefully rearranging all my teddies around/in my bed before going to sleep

this sounds like my brother at the same age. he was late to read and was always a little behind in his school work/bottom sets etc - but had a great imagination, and was a very popular and likable young boy/man.

He has since graduated with a 2.1, has a successful career and starting a property portfolio.

It sounds like you have a fanastic little one, and with such loving parents - your little one will go far.

He sounds delightful and you should be proud of him. To hear him described as happy and full of love is good.

Re. bedwetting and teddies - that is not relevant IMO. Many children of this age and older have issues with bed wetting (DD is almost 6 and this has been an issue for us - fingers crossed last few weeks been ok). And most of her friends have loads of teddies and dolls over their bed - they are only 5 adnd 6 years old, they are allowed to!

Regards giving him a helping hand - just a tiny bit each day, made into a fun game. Maybe play postmans - take it in turns to write each other a letter and post it - can do this whilst you are busy doing something else; we play this sometimes whilst I am cooking, DD posts my letter nder kitchen door). You start - write a really simple question for him to read, or even you tell him what it is - then get him to reply with a one word answer - you could have a list of possible answers written down for him to chose and copy one.

Play bingo to help with numbers.

He is my second, DS1 in year 3 will be 8 in May, is top in maths, fluent reader, has been playing chess since last summer so feel like I should have noticed something sooner

DS2 is very adept at on the computer, plays games, gives DS1 a run for his money on the PS2 - makes up fantastic stories, can recall music and sing songs when he's only heard them once - picks up the brain trainer and has a go !

makes fab constructs from his lego, is really good at drawing

he's so good at so many other things I didn't notice the writing part

I feel guilty because I know I pushed DS1 more and I relaxed a whole lot more with DS2 and really enjoyed him being a baby etc I really was PFB with DS1

thinking about it DS1 was up and walking at 10 months DS2 wasn't even crawling I got really worried then over a two week period he skipped crawling and got up and walked

lazy little sod ...obviously laying the ground rules for me worrying about his ability for the rest of his life

feeling better thank you allxx

DS LURVES all his teddies, so we used to have 'carpet time' with the teddies and really, play schools with them...so that Ds wasn't aware that it was actually HIM that was being taught. I cut up all his 'key words' and stuck them on to bits of card, and then got the teddies to make up sentences..often quite funny and nonsensical - and Ds and I would read them together.

The teddies would get everything wrong, and I would get Ds to tell them what was right - making sure it was something he could get right with a little tactful prompting.

Write a little note - very simple 'Teddy Loves Elfboy' and leave it in an envelope under his pillow. Then help him write a very simple note back to teddy...and so on.

I'm even doing this now, and DS is 6.5. he was having a big crisis of confidence last night because he is 'rubbish' at jooined up writing (two days into practicing it...). So suddenly, I started playing with his Sheepdog Puppy stuffed toy..and how hopeless she is at rounding up sheep...and gradually gets better..and Ds is shouting 'no, Jess, don't tug the fur with your teeth'...and we make the poin that learning is a process...

If you have an imaginative little boy who loves his teddies - USE THEM!

Elfsmum - obviously i dont know your son, but he sounds like a fabulous, delightful little boy! IMO you have not failed him at all, quite the opposite!

I just wanted to share my experience of my dn (nephew) who started off verrrrrrry slowly at school. My sis was really worried about him especially as his very bright older sister was going from strength to strength (and i don't care what anyone says, it is very hard not to compare).

Sis dreaded parents evenings as the teachers didn't have anything positive to say (academically that is) about dn.

Now? He is in Year 3 and my word is he bright! Top of class and flying!

Don't be disheartened ...year 1 is far too early to worry about your sons academics. Enjoy your gorgeous boy and give yourself a big pat on the back for being the reason that "the love shines out of him" when he talks about his family