DS is not doing great at school (Y4), I don’t know how to help

[Annestree]

DS will be the eldest in the class when they start Y5 in Sept. His end of Y4 report was not great with working towards on several areas and below in writing. Behaviour is very good and he is a reliable member of the class (behaviour not shown at home!) but there are comments about lack of confidence and shyness. Reports have been okay (not great) for a couple of years but as Covid affected his Y1 and Y2 heavily (home learning was the battle royal) he was always playing catch up. In Y3 and Y4 he had extra help at school with spellings and reading and was taken into smaller groups. However it doesn't seem to be making much of a difference and it's really showing now. Y4 hasn't been a great year because one of his teachers has been having a lot of time off due to ill health since the first term.

Over the years he has had bouts of anxiety and I don't think he enjoys school, just the social aspects and practical side of things such as science experiments and sports. He has done emotional support sessions at school to help him. He is a reluctant reader and writer (does the minimum required of him at school) and what happens at school stays at school. Home is a different world, no reading or work is done and the school never chase it up. He is hooked on screens which we control timings for but all he wants to do is either watch or game. Being able to do any school work at home has dwindled to almost zero over the past 18mths. If I try to instigate some online homework it's 80/20 whether I will get a meltdown which is a total loss for the rest of the day – I certainly get a lot of distraction and diversion not to do it. I am very conscious that we are laid back parents and allow him to relax at home because of the occasional anxiety and needs the wind down time and we are avoiding meltdowns at every request. He does have a younger sibling that is jealous if he is allowed to watch TV or play in the garden whilst they have to go over spellings for example which erupts in family battles and more disruption.

I don't know how to help him or how to enthuse learning in him. In my day it would have been the good old ‘you better pull your socks up mate’ conversation but he just doesn’t seem to care and I don’t want to scare him and trigger his anxiety with the fact that Y5 and 6 are going to be really hard academically. A tutor would not go down well with him. I haven’t spoken to his teacher this year following the report as I find that they are just ready to finish and basically pass the baton on to the next one. However I plan to speak to his new teacher in September to get a plan in place for him. We are also looking to get an appointment with a clinical psychologist so he can learn to manage his worries and anxiety.

What can I do over the summer? I really struggle to parent him and his sibling. We both work full time and DH is not around much due to very long work hours so parenting mostly falls on me. Before anyone lays into me to man up and just be the parent/I’m being too soft here – please note that there are mental health issues at play, mine included.

Well I would speak to school in Sept to see what their plan is to help. Ask for an educational psychologist review.
At home I would get him reading. No screens until he has done his 10 mins reading a day. Get some new good books from the library that are interesting to him and not too challenging. Diary of a wimpy kid/ 13 storey treehouse books and Tom Gates books are all good for reluctant readers.
Get some educational apps on the ipad. Spelling bee and times tables rockstars. Again 10 mins on these apps before playing games. Little and often

Personally until you've spoken to his teacher and got a plan in place for year 5, I'd leave him be.

I'd encourage him to read over the Summer (sign up to the library reading challenge), play board games with him, take him to local museums/galleries etc. The most I would do learning wise is an age specific puzzle book.

Ask the school if they can support re:anxiety, we have 'Place 2 Be' charity who visit our school weekly to deal with issues like this.

Any outside school activities? You mention sports and science as being things he enjoys more - how about scouts? Very good for confidence and has the added benefit of being time away from screens. Also if he gets on well with the leaders, they’re an extra positive adult in his life (especially if teachers have been absent/inconsistent).

I personally wouldn’t try and do lots of extra work at home, especially if the meltdowns might be caused by insecurity/feeling he doesn’t know how to do the work. Instead focus on what he’s good at and enjoys, and try and stretch him a little in those things because he may feel more confident to push himself a bit when it’s a strength of his. Later you could help him see that he persevered / challenged himself and nothing bad happened, and encourage him to keep trying in the things he finds more difficult. But overall I would wait for September and have a chat with the school to see what they suggest. You’re probably all exhausted right now and need the summer to recuperate.

I would stop screens except at weekends, and then limited to maybe 3 hours a day
screen time at weekends is contingent on engaging in supported reading, writing and times table practice during the week

Does he like being read to? I'd do that every day, and get him some good audiobooks to listen to. And get him to read fun books that are not too stretching to me for 20 minutes a day. And get him some comics and activity books to read by himself.
For television, maybe encourage learning and thinking about things - eg Horrible Histories, documentaries about things that might interest him.

Maybe try getting him a football magazine or something that sparks his interest? It doesn't matter what he reads, as long as he's reading.

Other than that, I would just wait to speak to the teacher in September and try not to stress too much over the holidays.

Could he be dyslexic? Has he been assessed?

>but there are comments about lack of confidence and shyness.

Please send him to good private summer camp and ask them to boost his confidence.

>
Home is a different world, no reading or work is done and the school never chase it up.

But that depends on you. Install Parental Control on his computer and no Roblox until he does his daily homework. Works marvels at my end. Also please subscribe to Read Theory and ask him to do 3 stories per day. Sit next to him when he does it. He needs to get onto routine. For Multiplication children love interactive Times Table Rockstar website. My son mastered times table in year 2 thanks to that website. Writing is a pain at our end and I make sure he writes a bit daily that turns to a story per week. I discuss it with him what he can improve and he does.
No, it doesn't come easily. But I try go make it adventorous. Let him type the story. Boys hate handwriting. Especially that at the moment he is attending tutoring for 11+. Please consider a group tutoring if you can ( child school vouchers, discounts?) and I would not recommend any selective school for your child as it os a very stressful place. Children in groups develop friendships and psychologically there is less stress.
I think it is all about making it exciting for him and developing routine. Otherwise, he will have problems in secondary school.

I can see the concern because he is transitioning from learning to read/write to reading/writing to learn. I’m a bit concerned about his almost pathological avoidance of reading and writing.

Have you had him fully checked out?

• eye test
• dyslexia screen

How bad are these tantrums about screen time? I’d weather them until he stops. It’s not fair on his sibling either.
We had to start a rule of no screen time until homework is done with our 9yo and he’s had many tantrums about it but eventually accepted it.
Have you tried graphic novels? DS much prefers them.

My kids went to a high performing state primary. I would say 80% of the parents in every class controlled screens until at least Year 6 (by that I mean even Minecraft was frowned upon except occasionally in the holidays), insisted on daily reading and spellings 5x per week from Reception, and many even did Kumon/daily Maths - school set Maths work on websites. The 20% not at that level where kids whose parents did not support at home or were dyslexic or other SEN. School then put on intervention for them before school, during the day and after school. Most years it is 100% expected at SATS, some years 97% due to SEN and between 50-70 Greater Depth across the board at SATS.

The reality is that the kids do well because the parents put in the hours, make them do actual hobbies rather than screens/TV. Most kids played at least 1 musical instrument too.
Screens at a young age are addictive for children. I got a bit too lax myself with my youngest and she does not read anywhere as much as my elder two. Even as teenagers, when I take the phones away (and it is hard!) they start reading again.
It is really hard, but even if you put in a routine of 10 minutes a day sitting quietly with him, it will make a big difference in the long run. Parenting is hard especially if you work full time.

This . It's clear where part of the problem lies. Why would he do anything else if screens are available.

I would say no screens until 10 mins reading done. Then say 1 hour. If he wants more then earns it via homework. The more he does the more screen time he earns.
I speak as the mother of a very reluctant reader/writer/you name it who would also be glued to a screen if I let it happen.
Also if he has poor mental health screens are not helping him. You do need to step up and parent him. Take the meltdowns and hold firm. This is important. He doesn’t think it is because you don’t make it seem important.
Also speak to the school. If he’s not putting his homework in soon it’s going to lead to punishments. Detention etc in high school. He needs to learn now that this is what is expected of him. This is the bare minimum and he needs to be able to get a job and support himself in future

Work comes before play. Screens (for fun) are not available until reading is done.

Thank you all, he does attend a sports club a couple of times a week but won’t extend his hours over the summer. He used to attend a brilliant club similar to scouts locally but it closed after Covid. I know it’s easy to blame the pandemic but it hit him so hard and he has never allowed himself to go back to how it was. It was at an age where he was building up wider social relationships and making the transition from play learning to more academic learning. He refuses to try something new and to meet new people. It’s a struggle to even get him to the summer club which his friends go to so we can get to work. If anything upsets him or he feels nervous then that’s it he will refuse to budge and we are tied up around him.

I know screens are the problem. We control usage and timings but it’s his way to calm down and regulate himself so when his time is up (even though he knows it’s coming as he has had plenty of warning) he goes into a screaming fit, bangs and kicks doors, manages furniture and can include hurting his sibling or me. He has also tried to run away. At school he is the model child in terms of behaviour (but not academically) but at home he is either a delight or impossible to control.

Any tips on a gradual way to implement rules? Going cold turkey is going to make life very difficult and we need to hold down our jobs and look after his sibling.

> into a screaming fit, bangs and kicks doors, manages furniture and can include hurting his sibling or me.

Screaming is quite common, Banging door too. I hear often " I hate you mummy! You are the strictest of parents!" And in the evening he is coming to say " I am sorry I was naughty. I love you. I know kids need boundaries".

I would contact psychologist about that physical abuse thing. It may be just a phase.

|He's going into yr5, you really don't have time to be laid back. Before you know it, he will be in yr6 and SATS will be looming. Yr7 is where he can really fall through the cracks if he is not on top of his school work, as he will simply get left behind. The school are not going to chase up on work and what he's doing at home, why should they? They have enough to do during normal school hours. Encouraging reading sounds like a good place to start, have you joined a library - if not try taking him to one, where there are a wider selection of books. Also remember home learning doesn't have to be formal/rigid, try to incorporate it into other things. DSS was a reluctant reader, his dad used cooking to get him reading. Cookbooks from the library, choosing a recipes, reading ingredients, writing shopping lists to buy the ingredients, reading instructions. It was also a way of spending time together which DSS loved. How old is his sibling, it's never too early to incorporate home learning into his routine as well, so that your older DS doesn't feel like he's missing out - e.g they both read together, going to the library together. Short regular learning opportunities incorporated into your everyday lives will be more manageable and productive, than stressful formal sessions.

Ah, to cheer you up, my son is not a model at school. He is not physically abusive but keeps proposing to girls ( marriage, a child together, a kiss) and he is constantly reported to the teachers for that. He says he needs to book nice girl now before they are all taken. 🤦🏼‍♀️

You mentioned that he uses screens to calm down and regulate himself, are their ND issues? Do you have any concerns in this area?

He has never apologised for any of his meltdowns and actions, it's never his fault. It's his way or nothing.

Have you any concerns that he could be dyslexic or have issues with his visual world? My DD has an eye convergence issue and is likely to be dyslexic too. It has been quite hard to spot, the main things are reluctance to read and inability to remember spellings which effects her writing.

I've been struggling with how much 'work' I think it's fair to ask my DD to do over the hols. The full list would be:

• Exercises set by behavioural optometrist, 10-15 minutes every day
• Nessy spelling programme set by dyslexia assessor, x3 a week
• I'm keep for her to keep reading, we've signed up to the library summer reading challenge
• School have put her as working towards in maths and I feel we should be improving basic multiplication.

However she's a kid, she needs a break, I want her to enjoy her summer, and some days she'll be in holiday clubs while I work.

Someone suggested to me that they do a 'working breakfast' where they go to a cafe and do some school work there, over breakfast. Advantage of being away from screens.

We control usage and timings but it’s his way to calm down and regulate himself so when his time is up (even though he knows it’s coming as he has had plenty of warning) he goes into a screaming fit, bangs and kicks doors, manages furniture and can include hurting his sibling or me.

If he can’t transition off them calmly wand without hurting others then they must be removed entirely.

*and

We do little and often here so ten mins every day but then that’s it until bedtime when we take it in turns to read to each other. The ten mins can be mixed up so a quick two minute spelling practice followed by either times tables/writing or a puzzle. Then they can have a screen. They do resist at times but they always know it’s only ten minutes and I set a timer and it’s become such a routine now that we get straight into it before tea. Don’t forget the learning that can happen in other ways too so science experiments or baking where they have to read/measure ingredients and set timers or art projects which in turn will support fine motor and problem solving. This summer we have tons of projects planned all fun based but with some sneaky learning in there too

My DS's a little younger (7) but for over summer work I'm shamelessly implementing bribery. He's struggling a lot with handwriting, so we're do a mix of theraputty (like stiffer playdogh) and keeping a summer diary, to practice writing.

I'll ask him everyday, and if he says no then it's his choice but when does it, it gets marked on a chart, and when the chart if full (20 marks) then we are buying a toy he really wants. Though I am quite lucky that the toy he wants is only £15, and finances allow.

A friend of mine is also paying her 9yo to work through a maths activity book. I think her rate is 20p/page or 50p if more then 80% correct, which might work better if he's to 'grown-up' for charts.

In both cases it has been made clear that it only applies to voluntary extra work, and normal school work is expected as standard.

I found The Maths Factor very helpful from year 4 to 5. It is based online and is more screens, but it is a 10- 20 minute daily practice site with games as the basis. It was good - although DD did like TT Rockstars, a lot of time can be wasted on that one with customising avatars etc, and players can choose the tables they work on, so have the option not to stretch themselves much by preferring ones they know.
When game points are won on The Maths Factor from sticking at it daily, they can be converted into a contribution to charities from the company, in another game where a ball is guided into a hole so there's a choice of charities to aim for.

For summer holidays we traditionally go and find a new board game or 2 as well, so have the chance to play those more when we have more time. The Cranium games are good and creative - they might help confidence a bit as long as it's clear that there's a 'silly' factor to them that everyone has to take in good humour rather than aiming for perfection. They test acting, drawing, guessing, and other expressive skills. Family favourites are Cadoo and Conga (4 years on, so potential for a longish play life).