DS is not doing great at school (Y4), I don’t know how to help

[Annestree]

DS will be the eldest in the class when they start Y5 in Sept. His end of Y4 report was not great with working towards on several areas and below in writing. Behaviour is very good and he is a reliable member of the class (behaviour not shown at home!) but there are comments about lack of confidence and shyness. Reports have been okay (not great) for a couple of years but as Covid affected his Y1 and Y2 heavily (home learning was the battle royal) he was always playing catch up. In Y3 and Y4 he had extra help at school with spellings and reading and was taken into smaller groups. However it doesn't seem to be making much of a difference and it's really showing now. Y4 hasn't been a great year because one of his teachers has been having a lot of time off due to ill health since the first term.

Over the years he has had bouts of anxiety and I don't think he enjoys school, just the social aspects and practical side of things such as science experiments and sports. He has done emotional support sessions at school to help him. He is a reluctant reader and writer (does the minimum required of him at school) and what happens at school stays at school. Home is a different world, no reading or work is done and the school never chase it up. He is hooked on screens which we control timings for but all he wants to do is either watch or game. Being able to do any school work at home has dwindled to almost zero over the past 18mths. If I try to instigate some online homework it's 80/20 whether I will get a meltdown which is a total loss for the rest of the day – I certainly get a lot of distraction and diversion not to do it. I am very conscious that we are laid back parents and allow him to relax at home because of the occasional anxiety and needs the wind down time and we are avoiding meltdowns at every request. He does have a younger sibling that is jealous if he is allowed to watch TV or play in the garden whilst they have to go over spellings for example which erupts in family battles and more disruption.

I don't know how to help him or how to enthuse learning in him. In my day it would have been the good old ‘you better pull your socks up mate’ conversation but he just doesn’t seem to care and I don’t want to scare him and trigger his anxiety with the fact that Y5 and 6 are going to be really hard academically. A tutor would not go down well with him. I haven’t spoken to his teacher this year following the report as I find that they are just ready to finish and basically pass the baton on to the next one. However I plan to speak to his new teacher in September to get a plan in place for him. We are also looking to get an appointment with a clinical psychologist so he can learn to manage his worries and anxiety.

What can I do over the summer? I really struggle to parent him and his sibling. We both work full time and DH is not around much due to very long work hours so parenting mostly falls on me. Before anyone lays into me to man up and just be the parent/I’m being too soft here – please note that there are mental health issues at play, mine included.

Has he been assessed for any learning difficulties op? You mention catch up from COVID and disruption from teacher absence but that describes the other 29kids in his class too.
Last day of term now so too late but I'd be seeing the SENCO in September. He might need more specific specialises support, you might need different expectations

The meltdowns over screen removal suggest that he is not in fact using the to regulate, but rather to avoid, his feelings. Then they all burst to the surface when the screen is removed, plus a bit more as some games heighten tension. I'd remove them completely for a while, and help him find other ways to self regulate. My anxious yr 4-5 son bats a ping pong ball against the wall, plays with the swingball set, has a bath, listens to (awful) music. We have no screen time in the week apart from a TV programme if there is time.

Each night we do Kumon maths and English plus school homework (one piece per night in term time.) We try and do Atom - three islands each morning - and aim to read before bed, though this doesn't always happen as he's exhausted. He plays sports after school 4x a week too. We've started piano this summer to get a good routine of practice going over the holidays and would aim to practice just for 5mins daily. He plays the trumpet too which is an easier instrument and practices a couple of times a week. He learns spellings very quickly so weekends are usually sports both mornings, then homework in the afternoons plus catching up on Atom.

We continue all this in the holidays, apart from school homework. He is mostly in holiday clubs in the day, but they are all fun ones with his friends and he is happy there so I see no reason why we wouldn't carry on with the 'little and often' work.

I am a hard worker myself and academic, and he mostly either enjoys or is OK with all this. Removing screens is key though. He is anxious but actually I've found that the praise he gets for working hard boosts his confidence. He also has a go Henry card and gets 25p per task.

I work full time too and I absolutely hear how exhausting it is. But year 5 is a big step up and year 7 again.

Yes I know that screens are the problem and I have failed him miserably. His sibling is 11mths younger and okay at school but could do better.

He
doesn’t like change and had bouts of anxiety at the end of Y3 when we moved
house (locally, he stayed at the same school) and during Y4 when his teacher was
ill and they had supply teacher which he didn't like. These resulted in school
refusal on some days. It meant I was
unable to go into work as we literally could not shift him. When this happens we remove all screens for
the entire day so when he eventually calms down he just has to find something to
do (mostly nagging me whilst I try to work from home) and trying to be nice to
me - but never apologising – so I will give in (I don’t). It is because of the school refusal that
school got involved and offered emotional support on a weekly basis during
these periods. His challenging behaviour is kept for home, they do not
recognise the boy I describe when I speak to his teacher and the SENCO. His
behaviour is good at school.

I do suspect some mental health issues beyond the anxiety. He has very little resilience and gets overwhelmed easily. At my request he has been referred for an ADHD assessment, not because he is a hyperactive but because he doesn’t seem to settle and concentrate which he has had to try to do a lot more in Y4, he struggles working or doing anything on his own and he is just better after movement breaks. The SENCO thinks he shows autistic traits (limited diet, some sensory issues, meltdowns) and we have agreed to do some reading around this subject. Problem is that I have gone through the form and there are only some boxes that he ticks and even then he is not showing these all of these traits consistently (or the ADHD ones to be honest). I suspect that he has become an expert at masking. He does some school clubs and then goes to the wrap around care at school. He does not like the latter but childcare options here are limited so I have no choice. By the time we get home at 6ish he sometimes explodes with emotion. The only way to calm him down is allowing him to watch YouTube so at least by the time he has his dinner he is a bit more chilled. Going to bed is another story and he will drag it out for as long as possible. He used to always try to get on my phone to watch a silly video or choose music to dance to but I have put a stop to this because it was an ever ending spiral of screens. Even if I read to him he has to be doing something, he does not sit there and listen or engage with the story.

I am surrounded by the 80% of parents who are super engaged with their children and their learning whilst I feel like a failure for letting DS down. I don’t know how you can all fit in so much into weekday evenings and weekends as well as holding down jobs and doing all the childcare. I just find being a parent so overwhelming, when he is in front of a screen I have time to think and get stuff done otherwise I have to entertain both kids 24/7.

Get him to keep a holiday diary. Get him to take photos/collect souvenirs of trips/draw, even a cartoon copied from youtube and stick them in a scrap book style book, and write a few sentences about what he has done that day. This will subtly practise writing and keep his writing muscles going and be a nice souvenir.

Will he listen to an audiobook either when playing or if you are driving somewhere? Or could you have a family reading time, all with books and favourite snacks, and read individually for a short time, then chat about what you have read.

There is a really good app called Hit the Button for basic maths. Carol Vorderman has a site which has summer challenges too, with some Maths-based games.

Ds was a v reluctant reader. A few suggestions that helped us.

Wimpy Kid, Tom Gates, football magazine, Spy School.

Also Asterix, Big Nate and some Japanese ninja/ amime stuff.

Honestly I still feel a bit embarrassed at what DS reads as he is still prone to a good old spy school re-read and he’s nearly 13 but he does really well in English at school now so I’m just leaving him to it. He is just not someone who is going to read challenging books.

Also agree with pp that screaming at end of screen time just earns him a day of cold turkey so that’s stopped that.

He won't listen to an audio book. He says its boring and there are no pictures. He has some graphic books and novels (Bunny vs Monkey etc) but even they can be hit and miss. As soon as he says that something is boring you've lost him and he gets entrenched in the fact that it's not for him. He doesn't like drawing or writing so I could do a visual diary over the summer and hope he will add a few words to that. Maybe on the laptop?

He sounds exactly like my DS2 at the same age - the reluctant reader, slow(er) to read and write, tired, anxious and not engaged with school (but polite and well-behaved when there). Was diagnosed with dyslexia in Year 7 and everything then clicked into place after that.
His screen time was his escapism from
the stresses of school and everyday life where he was masking to fit in and came home exhausted.
Please, please get him tested - might not be ADHD as you say, but could be dyslexia/ADD.

Ironically, once he was diagnosed and we understood his highly visual learning style screens were his saviour! Much of his revision for GSCES was on YouTube and via revision apps and he got 25% extra time which helped him not to panic in exams.

Firstly, if you are not doing it already, read to him every night. Go to the library and let him pick some books. Make it a comfy time. You might want to introduce hot chocolate or something else as a treat with it too. Aim for enjoying books together in a relaxed environment with no pressure for him to read. Don't underestimate the importance of this. He is still gaining vocabulary and hearing a variety of sentence structures and learning comprehension skills like building a visual image from the words. It is very good if his Dad or other significant male can do this some of the time too.

Secondly, make sure he sees his dad or other significant male role models actually reading a variety of things. If helps for boys to have make role models.

Then introduce a routine for the holidays. I'm not sure whether you are working or not, but if possible introduce 10 minutes of reading practice as early in the day as you can. You can use his school reading book if he has one and ask advice at the library for books at a similar level to reading books he has been on .

Say to him that you understand he needs screen time to unwind but other things are also important so make his screen time conditional on doing the reading. Eg, 10 mins reading equals 1 hour screen time later. Make it so that you can add in additional tasks for extra time later

Explain to him that you are concerned about the way he behaves when he has been told to come off a screen. It is your job to help him with managing life and the logical conclusion for his behaviour is that if he can't manage to come off screens then he should not go on them.

Then get him to practice, 15 mins on a screen, you give him a 5 minute warning and then he come off without a fuss. When he can manage 15 mins you can try 20 or 30. Not managing to come off without a fuss means no more screens that day but you can practice again tomorrow. Don't be angry or punitive in tone if he has a meltdown. Be sympathetic "I can see that was tricky for you. We can practice again tomorrow "

Out all of this into some clear timetable so that he knows when he has to read, when he is allowed to go on the computer and for how long, for each day of the week.

Once you have this structure in place then you could add in another 10 minutes a day of maybe a maths app or revision book or whatever ( he may benefit from a year 3 one to start but take off any covers with references to year/age) in order to rear another hour screen time.

It is likely he will resist some of this to start with but use times when he is calm to explain that you are doing this because you care for him and don't want him to find next school year too tricky and that it is not healthy for him to be on screens all the time and that it is your job to make sure he does healthy things, just like you make sure he has healthy meals etc. Then try and calmly persevere with the routine.

School should have access to a programme to do a dyslexia screening. They might be able to fit it in, if they're still in next week.

Please don't be so hard on yourself. It sounds very much like your DS is ND, and stewarding ND kids through school is immeasurably harder than supporting NT kids. You have not failed your DS. The reason you are 'relaxed' about homework and screentime is because you are responding to the child you have, not the child that the (NT) education system presupposes you have.

My DS (just turned 9) learned pretty much nothing when he attended school, because he was so busy trying to hold himself together in the classroom that the conditions for learning were entirely absent. He's at home now, we're unschooling (they call it 'natural learning' in the Department of Education documents I had to fill in), and things are entirely different - and 100% better. It's not the journey I anticipated when I first became a parent, but it's the one that's best for my DS right now.

Honestly, I would focus on reading.
I had a reluctant reader, and as a bookworm myself this was hard to understand.

I turned things around in yr 3 by basically offering incentives (bribes).

If he read every night for a while term, I would buy him the nerf gun of his choosing as a reward. 20mins a day.

Got lucky with books he really enjoyed, the Ahn Do series were great at that age, worry less about what he's reading and find something he enjoys. Read to him if you need, I started off taking it in turns, by the end of term, he was begging for 10 more minutes.

Finding a love for reading seemed to be the key, he gained confidence, it was like a whole new world opening up for him.

Don't stress him out too much, if you want to focus on math, times tables are apparently the key to everything. Get one of those big posters and hang it in the kitchen, and practice them.

We also used to do spelling tests on each other, I would pull up a list of words on the iPad and we would take turns testing each other.

Op I’m sorry you’re going through this.

Have to say though that as an ex primary school teacher, it sounds like he’s just not suited to school and traditional forms of learning. The well-meaning advice you’ve had about reading to him/doing ten minutes a day maths etc is great except if he’s not interested he’s not interested. In an ideal world he’s most likely the type of child who could do with learning some life skills in a non-academic environment. Physical work, woodworking, metalwork, cooking, gardening, mechanics, working with animals etc.

He’s sending a message with his behaviour (so many similar posts these days on MN) that the environment he’s in is very difficult for him. And bless him that he’s actually behaving at school and letting it all out at home - his safe space.

I don’t think a lot of parents understand what the pressures of school are truly like today. Every minute of the day is filled up with academic work. The whole system is a ‘one-size-fits-all’ style of education. Since 2014 when Gove in his wisdom decided that he’d return the curriculum to a Victorian style of education, more and more children (who are born into a modern digital age) are finding school boring, difficult, monotonous, meaningless, uninspiring and pressured.

Have you talked to him about all this?
As a Pp said, many children who are home educated/unschooled are far happier and actually enjoy learning. I realize that modern life for two working parents isn’t conducive to taking children out of school but it’s something I’d recommend for kids like your son. Good luck x

You haven't let your D's down, or you wouldn't be posting on here wondering how to support him, exploring possible NDs etc.

Fwiw, my ds wasn't that dissimilar at that age (few years ago, so was easier to implement no screens during the week and only TV at the weekend boundaries). School performance gradually declining, explosive temper, low self-esteem etc.

We had him assessed by an educational psychologist privately, who quickly identified a visual processing disorder. Saw a behavioural optometrist who prescribed eye exercises and prism glasses. The last few years have been by no means plain sailing (including school refusal, being suspended from school, lots of time in the reflection room at school) but now at 14 he has matured a lot, is more confident and doing much better at school.

An assessment for ADHD / ASD sounds like a good plan. Sports also great for anxiety.

Carry on reading to him even if he is doing an activity as well. Just remembered that D's and I had a 'game' of throwing a soft ball back and forth at bedtime to 'reconnect' (cringe but ykwim!) Then I would read to him. Somehow, that worked.

Also, look after yourself. Running kept my physical and mental health at a good enough level to cope with it all.

Honestly, I think he has screen addiction. Those rages when nearing time to come off it are the classic hallmarks. I would get rid of screens completely for at least a few weeks. He can paddy and cry and moan but they aren’t coming back. Encourage him in our pursuits such as Lego and craft. Spend as much time as you can with him over those 2 weeks getting him back to being interested in other things. Then, after 2 weeks, introduce a bit of work in return for half an hour of screen time. He does a page of his workbook with you supporting him…he gets half an hour that day. Any tantrums when it goes off, then he loses it the next day. I think the anxiety is a red herring and, if you tackle the screen addiction, the anxiety will lessen.