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Original poster

Advice needed on reception girls dynamics

29 replies

NuttyBetty · 21/04/2023 12:13

My DD is in reception and I am not sure what more I could do help her. Would much appreciat any advice on this.

My DD is quite active and sociable and loves going to school.
But she is getting stressed lately by her friend A’s behaviour. For example, A keeps telling DD ‘you are lying’ on a daily basis even though DD didn’t know what lying is (she knows now). Just one of many ‘abuses’, like nagging unnecessarily, forcing DD to do things, snatching DD away from other friends and hitting…

DD’s friend A was in the same nursery class and they are considered to be ‘best friends’.

Things I have tried:
Talking to A’s mum: hitting stopped but the rest still on going. Talked her again, but this time she’s in denial; A denies all of it and she believes her because she knows when A lies. A’s mum seems to firmly believe A plays with other friends mostly, although DD tells me A mostly tries to play with DD.

Talking to class teacher: just said there seem to be some sort of tension between DD and A and DD’s quite stressed, teacher had no idea and just thought they were playing beautifully like any best buddies would. Teacher said they would watch out (no changes so far).

Telling DD to get away:
I tell her to get away from A, but DD says A doesn’t leave her alone and always follows her.
I tell her to ignore when A says hurtful things, but DD doesn’t seem to be able to that. Besides, I am not sure that’s good advice…

DD’s school is an outstanding one and has great reputation locally, but the teachers are already stretched as it is and it seems they can’t do much to help DD.

We will be moving her to a different school in September due to relocation (Not told anyone at school yet) and I know there is no guarentee that DD will have no problem in the new school, but this last few months of sending her to the school is so painful!

Thought about doing a home schooling temporarily before starting new school, but she loves going to school and mixing with friends so it won’t really suit her.

What would you do if you were in this situation?

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Yamaya · 21/04/2023 12:16

I would just tell me daughter to ignore her or if A is bothering her tell a teacher.

It could be that your DD is exaggerating things too for your reaction.

ParentsTrapped · 21/04/2023 12:19

I wouldn’t take her out of school for this. I think you need to follow up with her teacher and make them do more. Perhaps say you actively want them separated.

CaptainMyCaptain · 21/04/2023 12:20

Yes. I agree with the above. She will be leaving the school anyway but I'm afraid we all have to learn to deal with annoying people (that includes telling the teacher). She is enjoying school generally so I really don't think home schooling her for this time will help.

pretendingtobezen · 21/04/2023 12:21

Definitely definitely definitely talk to the teacher. I was a reception teacher and it’s easier to sort things sooner rather than later. These kinds of things happen all the time - usually just a friendly but firm word is enough or just making sure all the children know you and other staff are always looking out for lovely friendship behaviours and when someone is being unkind (insert slightly longer look at child in question).

Good luck!

florenceandthemutt · 21/04/2023 13:37

I could have written this! We are in a two form entry and DD is going to be separated for Y1. She is currently torn between two from nursery and it has prevented her from developing other friendships. However, if you're leaving at the end of the summer term I'd personally just ride it out or ask for a class move if you have that option.

Beamur · 21/04/2023 13:45

You will have multiple friendship issues to deal with over the next few years.
Generally they resolve themselves. Talk to teachers not parents.
Role play is a really good way to help your little ones figure this out. Primary school is where children learn social interaction.

Original poster
NuttyBetty · 21/04/2023 17:07

Thanks for all the replies! I know you can't always believe what your kids say 100% but I recently saw them interact firsthand in a play date among other kids and it was exactly how my DD described before (A'a mum was absent).

The reason I went to A's mum was because I didn't want to make a fuss by telling teachers about it, but I guess my good intention has to end here and just go to school for help.

As much as I want to help the situation resolve, I also want DD to be resilient and develop the skills to deal with this kind of situation but I don't quite know how to help. Would just telling her to ignore be enough? Is it something she has to learn by herself by getting hurt?

OP posts:
SnackSizeRaisin · 23/04/2023 07:10

Ignoring this kind of behaviour probably isn't the best advice - that is fine for low level occasional annoyance or short term in situations where you are physically in danger and don't want to escalate. But

SnackSizeRaisin · 23/04/2023 07:12

Oops posted too soon. Ignoring never makes things stop. I'd tell dd to either tell a teacher, loudly tell the child to stop hitting me, and try to play with other children instead

partypompoms · 23/04/2023 07:18

Go back to the school and say this is an on going issue and you want some action on their part

Can they separate her if they work in the same groups or buddy her up with a different friend. They can also do circle times to teach about good healthy friendships.

demotedreally · 23/04/2023 07:21

I always told my kids to tell the teacher. They are in the moment, and can deal with it at the time. And it is empowering the child to do something.

TizerorFizz · 23/04/2023 18:52

@NuttyBetty
I think there were several things you could have done, but as you are moving, it’s a bit late. However speak to the teacher. Usually they can separate out DC in class. Outside, playground supervision is there to help.

If something like this happens again, speak to the teacher, not the parent. Don’t ever assume DC are best friends at 4/5. Some DC really don’t understand this concept. You might be lucky this has fallen apart. If this was a secure friendship, this other DD might be bereft in a couple of months! Like a bereavement!

That’s the next point. Encourage loads of friends. Have them round for tea. Ask DD to choose and ensure there is variety! No best friend! Lots of possible friends. As DD matures she will get more discerning too. She will move away from unsuitable friends. She’s enthusiastic about school so don’t home school. Just ask the school to keep them separate. Also they might do work on being kind!

Original poster
NuttyBetty · 25/04/2023 09:26

Thanks again for the replies and advice. DD is all for having lots of friends but it seems her friend A is not and she's kind of forcing DD to play with her only. I think A is the one who needs to let go of DD and play with others, but I cannot control what A does.

Told DD to ask teachers for help when A is unkind or forceful, but she says A quickly follows her to teacher and shouts DD is lying. DD gets hurt by such acts yet she doesn't know how to get away from A' grip...

Already told the teacher. Will see if there is any difference.

OP posts:
SamPoodle123 · 25/04/2023 11:42

The school year is almost over. I would not worry about it. I would focus on other friendships and ask the teacher to keep the girls separated where possible. So sitting at different areas in the class. And not being partnered up. Your dd will go to a different school soon.

TizerorFizz · 25/04/2023 16:07

And the teacher does what when DD complains? There’s probably more going on behind the scenes. Also DD does need to forge friendships and she will be moving on soon anyway. All you can do is reiterate to the teacher that you would prefer your DD to work in a different group and that she’s in a different group in the playground.

1AngelicFruitCake · 26/04/2023 06:38

Going to a child’s parent was always going to cause more problems! Go to the teacher first. Nothing changes then go back to the teacher. Make yourself a nuisance if you need to, this is about your child being happy (I say this as an Early Years teacher!) A decent teacher will sort this out properly.

Incidentally, I’ve had problems with a child in my daughters class. I’ve spoken to the teacher a few times and have also spoken to the parent (but I did this very carefully!)

NancyJoan · 26/04/2023 06:44

Every time A is physical with her, she needs to tell the teacher. And you follow up with an email.

arrange play dates with other friends. Lots and lots if you can juggle it, at least a couple of times a week. They tend to be so excited during the day of the play date that they are inseparable in school all day.

ironorchids · 26/04/2023 17:37

I'm surprised I'm the only one saying this, but surely if you're child is being hit by another child, there must be at least one parent on Mumsnet who would tell their child to hit them back??

TizerorFizz · 26/04/2023 21:22

@ironorchids
? When do two wrongs make a right?? No one in their right mind should suggest this. Always leads to more trouble than it will solve.

ironorchids · 26/04/2023 23:32

TizerorFizz · 26/04/2023 21:22

@ironorchids
? When do two wrongs make a right?? No one in their right mind should suggest this. Always leads to more trouble than it will solve.

When bullies attack you should not just accept their treatment. In many cases teachers do very little and cannot or do not stop the bullying for a long time.

TizerorFizz · 26/04/2023 23:42

@ironorchids
Do you really think a 5 year old YR child should be told to hit back? Absolutely not. There’s no place for this. Teachers can sort this out and playground staff. Separation is not that difficult.

ironorchids · 26/04/2023 23:58

TizerorFizz · 26/04/2023 23:42

@ironorchids
Do you really think a 5 year old YR child should be told to hit back? Absolutely not. There’s no place for this. Teachers can sort this out and playground staff. Separation is not that difficult.

Yes I do.

I'm definitely not the only person who thinks this. Lots of times teachers are ineffective at combating bullying and the bullies win. Yes kids should defend themselves and I think it's fairly average to teach them this.

TizerorFizz · 27/04/2023 08:16

@ironorchids
Do you honestly think teachers and schools want to deal with children behaving like this? Utter madness. No one wants this culture in a school. I bet no school wants a parent like you either.

Quitelikeacatslife · 27/04/2023 08:25

It does give me this ick a bit when two tiny girls are considered BFFs , they might have played nice in nursery or mums are friends but they need to be a bit freer in school to find friends on their wavelength. I'd encourage her to play with lots of other kids , invite other boys and girls over to play and don't refer to this girl as best friend. If the child is mean or she feels sad about something at school then she should tell an adult

TizerorFizz · 27/04/2023 12:36

Children rarely suss out other dc accurately at 5. Much more astute at 8. There seems to be a need for parents to have DC with a best friend. In reality, lots of friends is better. It makes it easier to escape too! Lessons learned for next school.

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