Fed up of being low level ignored

Commonsensitivity · 2023-02-17T17:43:11+00:00

5 years ago we moved here for my work. Both my dcs are in a local primary in a middle class catchment area. We get low level ignored. No one is mean to us, but no one really makes an effort to chat. Even when I try I get blanked more than 50 percent of the time. My youngest in particular is 7 but has never been invited to a friends house. My eldest is a bit more socially pushy so has but doesn't have a close friend even though he's in year 6. No mum has ever really asked me for coffee or been that friendly. Would it be unreasonable to just slink away, leave all the WhatsApp chats and enrol the dcs in another more friendly and less snobby school? The youngest in particular is saying he hates school and wants to leave.

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Set a reminder

Zippidydoda · 17/02/2023 17:50

In terms of your relationship with other parents, does it matter really if you don’t connect with them? I know it’s easier for play dates etc but ultimately over the next few years your kids will be friends with whoever they want and won’t be reliant on you making play dates.

Why do you think your children haven’t made friends? Are you feeling you are all being targeted or something?

The thing about moving is are you sure it’ll be any different. School parent groups tend to be cliquey everywhere.

it sounds very difficult for you. Have you invoted other parents for coffee etc?

Bunce1 · 17/02/2023 17:55

I assume you’ve done the asking? From the posting do you see yourself as less than them? Or that the other parents see you as some chippy upstart?

I wouldn’t change schools in a hurry. It’s tough on the kids.

Original poster

Commonsensitivity · 17/02/2023 18:02

a8ssume you’ve done the asking? From the posting do you see yourself as less than them? Or that the other parents see you as some chippy upstart?

I wouldn’t change schools in a hurry. It’s tough on the kids

I think other parents assume we are not as well off as them. We live in a small terrace where other families live in big houses (since I income tied up elsewhere I bought a small place) and I don't wear flashy clothes but I do have a professional job and work full time so perhaps I look like I'm always busy. It is a school in a community where peoples parents went to the same school and its very homogeneous. Perhaps we are still seen as outsiders. Feels a bit like that. I agree changing schools is hard on kids. Perhaps I just need to make more effort.

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Original poster

Commonsensitivity · 17/02/2023 18:11

In terms of your relationship with other parents, does it matter really if you don’t connect with them? I know it’s easier for play dates etc but ultimately over the next few years your kids will be friends with whoever they want and won’t be reliant on you making play dates.

Why do you think your children haven’t made friends? Are you feeling you are all being targeted or something?

The thing about moving is are you sure it’ll be any different. School parent groups tend to be cliquey everywhere.

it sounds very difficult for you. Have you invoted other parents for coffee etc?

I don't think we are targeted. I just feel ignored! No idea why. I'm a bit older than some mums - mid 40s so that could be a factor. I think they do have friends. Just not besties.

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PuttingDownRoots · 17/02/2023 18:17

We moved to current location 2 years ago. I've recently become sort of friends with another mum...

Its being the latecomer! All the mum cliques were formed in reception year.

pjani · 17/02/2023 18:33

I think you have to put the effort in - invite other kids around for playdates (for younger children), make an effort to chat whenever you’re at a school function etc etc. It doesn’t sound like you’ve tried that yet.

But equally, for yourself, it doesn’t really matter (unless you would like to make new friends, but you have to make an effort if that’s the case). Im sorry your DC isn’t enjoying school though - that’s hard.

Original poster

Commonsensitivity · 17/02/2023 18:45

I think you have to put the effort in - invite other kids around for playdates (for younger children), make an effort to chat whenever you’re at a school function etc etc. It doesn’t sound like you’ve tried that ye

I will. Am just a bit self conscious the house is very small. And the one mum that did come kept commenting on how her house was much tidier than mine 😳🙄

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Bunce1 · 17/02/2023 18:50

The better weather will be coming soon and instead of people coming back to yours the park is always a winner.

the mum who said he house was tidy was being horrible. Don’t be her mate!

Original poster

Commonsensitivity · 17/02/2023 19:35

Good point @Bunce1 picnic in the park sounds great.

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MissMaple82 · 17/02/2023 19:43

Commonsensitivity · 17/02/2023 18:45

I think you have to put the effort in - invite other kids around for playdates (for younger children), make an effort to chat whenever you’re at a school function etc etc. It doesn’t sound like you’ve tried that ye

I will. Am just a bit self conscious the house is very small. And the one mum that did come kept commenting on how her house was much tidier than mine 😳🙄

I'd be interested to hear what was actually said? Was that their actual words or is this your interpretation. You come across as embarrassed about your home. I suspect this is a you thing

MissMaple82 · 17/02/2023 19:44

By that, I mean your over thinking

snowtrees · 17/02/2023 20:09

I wouldn't over think this. Yr6 organise themselves. Mine at that age just asked mates over & vice versa. They walk to and from school themselves etc. Once at high school you ring know mates never mind the parents.
With the younger one just invite friends over. If adult people are stupid enough to judge you you'd not want them as a friend.

snowtrees · 17/02/2023 20:11

I can not ever imagine telling someone their house wasn't tidy!! But then mines always a mess

DelurkingAJ · 17/02/2023 20:15

I sympathise…round here the (very lovely) Mums already all knew each other (often from their own primary school days) which has made it almost impossible to break into a group. I’ve almost stopped caring and just accepted that we’ll have fewer play dates. I keep an eye out for new arrivals and both of DS1’s good mates have parents who are also not local.

RachelSq · 17/02/2023 20:40

I definitely do think the parent cliques are made early on in reception, and it’s hard to break into them.

Without sounding too mean, is there an “totally normal/boring” group of parents? I’m in one, we tend to group together but we’re not fussed of how we look, see the school drop off as a functional thing and are generally much less showy. We happily have anyone equally normal join us if they said hello, but we’re not actively in the lookout for anyone else. We also pretty much fly under the radar on the WhatsApp chats (and often laugh at the some of the crazy entitled parents going beserk over minuscule things).

ClimbingRoseBush · 17/02/2023 20:45

What would be the point in moving half way through year 6? He’s about to leave the school anyway and he’ll make new friends at secondary whose parents you’ll have no idea about.

Do you do any school pick ups? If so just take them to the park nearest school straight after, you’ll end up talking to whoever is there.

Original poster

Commonsensitivity · 18/02/2023 08:29

What would be the point in moving half way through year 6? He’s about to leave the school anyway and he’ll make new friends at secondary whose parents you’ll have no idea about.

Do you do any school pick ups? If so just take them to the park nearest school straight after, you’ll end up talking to whoever is there.

I wouldn't move until he left year 6 of course. But he's signed up to a decent secondary round here so would feel bad about that. It's the younger one I feel for particularly.

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RachelSq · 18/02/2023 08:45

Commonsensitivity · 18/02/2023 08:29

What would be the point in moving half way through year 6? He’s about to leave the school anyway and he’ll make new friends at secondary whose parents you’ll have no idea about.

Do you do any school pick ups? If so just take them to the park nearest school straight after, you’ll end up talking to whoever is there.

I wouldn't move until he left year 6 of course. But he's signed up to a decent secondary round here so would feel bad about that. It's the younger one I feel for particularly.

Unless you’re talking about actually moving house, why is DS1 going to a hood secondary an issue? Aren’t you still planning to send him there?

I’d look to move DS2 though if he’s actually unhappy. Depending on what year he’s in class size restrictions might still be an issue, but you might as well consider which schools could work and see if they’ve got space.

Original poster

Commonsensitivity · 18/02/2023 08:57

Yes I would potentially look at moving to a different area.

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Zippidydoda · 18/02/2023 09:03

Commonsensitivity · 18/02/2023 08:57

Yes I would potentially look at moving to a different area.

personally I really wouldn’t move just because of the situation you describe. Your son is off to secondary where the relationships will branch out beyond those formed at primary school. Your daughter, at 7, will start making her friendships totally independently of you over the coming year or two and the relationship between parents will be less and less relevant. There’s no guarantees she’d find anywhere else easier.

In your shoes I’d try my best to help daughter and son make friendships, build int he ones they have. Invite people who will come for a play, or try inviting other children who they might have only played with a little. I CVS not imagine not one child would want to come for a play date.

Then for you- I’d explore other ways of making community links outside of the school/school mums. Maybe join a local waking group (or whatever you are interested in). Branch out beyond the mums.

leafittome · 18/02/2023 09:03

How often have you invited children to play dates? Do you go to park or after school activities and make a proper effort with other parents? Do you offer lifts or arrive slightly early for collection? Have you invited other parents for coffee? If you are at the school gate do you walk up to other parents and start chatting to them?

If you do all that then you are not being unreasonable.

However it is unreasonable to expect others to make lots of effort if you don't. I wouldn't expect others to come over and talk to me if I rarely go and talk to others. My children don't get invited on tons of play dates but I don't invite other children over more than 1-2 times a term so can't really complain.

purser25 · 18/02/2023 09:09

I would enrol your daughter in some after school activities

LIZS · 18/02/2023 09:11

Was also going to ask about playdates, parties, activities. It is probably not the time of year for hanging out in the park after school and holidays but the evenings are getting lighter. Do your dc do after school activities such as football, swimming lessons, Brownies/Cubs eyc where they will run into their classmates and you the mums waiting to pick up. Do you make small talk and arrange for children to meet up?

Nimblesandbimbles · 18/02/2023 09:12

I sort of feel like this OP & my DD is in reception. I’ve just kind of accepted it & decided it’s not worth worrying too much about. I can’t think of any particular reason why as I’m fairly similar to the other parents although I do struggle with that type of unstructured chat & always knew I’d find it hard. It sounds as though you’re trying to come up with reasons why you feel excluded but they may not be accurate. I wouldn’t do anything rash based on this as it might resolve as they get older.

MumOf2workOptions · 18/02/2023 09:13

I find school runs very clicky
We both work so have a childminder so thankfully 😅 I escape this drama every morning but on the odd time I've done it like if I go to assembly or something, I hate it.
All these bitchy women quite obviously judging and sneering I find it all very stressful so I'm glad I don't do it but my kids don't get many play dates, maybe because I'm never there to ask but to be honest by the time we pick the kids up after work etc it's about 5-5:30 so we're doing tea by then and getting stuff sorted and some nights they have clubs etc so Monday to Fridays are out then weekends is our family/ activity time.

We've invited people from time to time in the holidays and the odd weekend but it's never reciprocated so I don't bother now.

My kids have plenty of friends but I don't get hung up about play dates now it's extra stress I don't need. My dd is 7 I asked her and she said that there's nobody she wants to come for tea and I ask regularly incase she changes her mind.

Parties I find people tend to invite the kids of the parents they are friends with rather than who the kids are friends with if that makes sense.

The whole thing is difficult tho but unless my kids were very unhappy I wouldn't move them as from speaking to friends with kids in different areas etc it seems to happen in a lot of schools and then you have all the upheaval for round 2 somewhere else!