Page 2 | Fed up of being low level ignored

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Redlocks28 · 18/02/2023 09:16

My youngest in particular is 7 but has never been invited to a friends house. My eldest is a bit more socially pushy so has but doesn't have a close friend even though he's in year 6. No mum has ever really asked me for coffee or been that friendly

How many of your youngest child’s classmates have you invited round?

You day you work full time-do you do all of the school runs?

I was once cornered in the playground by a parent who was complaining that their child hadn’t been invited to anyone’s house to play since year 1-our kids must have been in year 3 at that point. I don’t know if the parent was expecting me to feel guilty and suddenly invite their child found for dinner?! Our children didn’t play together much and mine had never asked to have theirs round. I asked the parent who they had invited to theirs to play and they said nobody!

TheYearOfSmallThings · 18/02/2023 09:20

In this case I don't think your job or house explain why your children (especially the younger one) haven't made solid friendships. You moved when he was 2 and he has been in school all day with the same children for years now - by the age of 7 children choose their friends based on how much they like them, how much fun they are, shared interests and of course an enthusiastic willingness to be friends. Have you spoken to the teacher to find out how he comes across at school?

As far as your relationship with the parents, if you missed the maternity leave/baby group stage, and you now work full time, you probably aren't on their radar unfortunately. I work part time and I'm only partly on people's radar - luckily DS and his friends drive playdates etc, and I am fine with people seeing my shabby and borderline messy house. If anything they relax when they see it because some people mistakenly think I am stuck up (is there any possibility that could be an issue for you if you moved from elsewhere?)

Iguanainanigloo · 18/02/2023 09:29

Why not suggest something on the class WhatsApp groups op? Every month, one of the parents in both my kids year groups will suggest a mums "night out" and a few dates, which whoever wants to go can vote on, and then a it gets arranged. Sometimes a meal, sometimes drinks. Not everyone goes, but those who want to socialise with other parents do, and it's a good opportunity to get to know people better than the few mins at the school gates. Similarly, parents will suggest park meet ups during half term etc, to get together with the kids outside of school time, and whoever can make it and wants to goes, and it's a great way to see who your kids connect with, and finding those connections yourself too. I feel we're probably part of a similar community here. Very middle class, and alot of families who've been born and bred here, and attended the local schools together, so obviously already friends. When we moved here, 4 years ago, I definitely got outsider vibes to begin with, but had to really push myself to chat to some of the mums, and eventually found my tribe, who are now my best of friends. We go out for coffee every week, go shopping together, even holiday together occasionally, and it's really made me feel like home in this tight knit community. I did have to really put myself out there and chat to lots of parents, before I found the few who I really clicked with though, which was uncomfortable.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 18/02/2023 09:39

MumOf2workOptions I have to say this: "these bitchy women quite obviously judging and sneering" is only happening in your mind.

You find the school run socially stressful so you use a childminder to avoid it. Then when you do have to show your face, you don't know anyone and find it even more awkward. So you sit there bristling and thinking angry thoughts, while everyone else gets on with their lives without really noticing you because they don't know you. How could they?

Original poster

Commonsensitivity · 18/02/2023 09:52

I will try to initiate more stuff. But mainly I'm tired from working full time and value my own space perhaps a little introvert so that can't help!

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TheYearOfSmallThings · 18/02/2023 10:02

But mainly I'm tired from working full time and value my own space

Totally reasonable. But I guess the other parents are rightly sensing that you are not really available, which is why they are low level ignoring you... It's really tough when you work full time.

My DS's best friends tend to be the ones who go to teatime club with him - it is essentially a big playdate for the children whose parents work. Do your children do that?

Figrolls14 · 18/02/2023 10:18

Definitely sounds like a latecomer thing, not your faultbOP, just means you have to go the extra mile with the inviting and sounding out your kids to see if any other kids like the same things, then sorting out something for them to bond. Sounds a bit desperate I know, but school’s a jungle.
as previous posters have said, you do come across a bit paranoid about your home and relative status. Do you think maybe your feelings about that might be colouring how you feel about the other parents?
also, your home sounds nice, I’m a bit confused as to why you would be upset by someone commenting on the tidiness. If someone said that about my home I would be flipping delighted (but I’m pretty sure they would never say it!) if she was a bit irritating and kept saying it, I’d assume she was maybe feeling a bit nervous or trying to be a good guest, or thinking unfavourably of her own washing up stack. Just because you feel all these other mums have their *** all sorted doesn’t mean it’s the case!!

TrainedObserver · 21/02/2023 07:33

Can you give an example of the bitching and sneering directed at you? That sounds so out of order and I can’t imagine what kind of parents would do that.

I would try and work out what are your own hang-ups and insecurities and what are objective acts with the intent to exclude or belittle you.

We had the smallest house. I worked full time in a stressful career whilst other mums stayed home. So, I made a huge effort. Attended everything. Organised a million play dates and sleepovers. Whole class parties. It paid off and my girls and I have ended up with friends for life. Some of the parent friends I made (now the kids have left school) say I was the ‘glue’ that made the parents become friends. That surprised me as I felt I was the one rushing around with no time to talk to anyone.

If no direct bullying is happening, I would persevere. Try even harder. Give off positive vibes. Smile and say hello. I guarantee that not every parent is a sneery bitch, though of course some may be. Maybe shake off some of your insecurities and give people a chance.

TrainedObserver · 21/02/2023 07:36

Figrolls14 · 18/02/2023 10:18

Definitely sounds like a latecomer thing, not your faultbOP, just means you have to go the extra mile with the inviting and sounding out your kids to see if any other kids like the same things, then sorting out something for them to bond. Sounds a bit desperate I know, but school’s a jungle.
as previous posters have said, you do come across a bit paranoid about your home and relative status. Do you think maybe your feelings about that might be colouring how you feel about the other parents?
also, your home sounds nice, I’m a bit confused as to why you would be upset by someone commenting on the tidiness. If someone said that about my home I would be flipping delighted (but I’m pretty sure they would never say it!) if she was a bit irritating and kept saying it, I’d assume she was maybe feeling a bit nervous or trying to be a good guest, or thinking unfavourably of her own washing up stack. Just because you feel all these other mums have their *** all sorted doesn’t mean it’s the case!!

’I’m a bit confused as to why you would be upset by someone commenting on the tidiness. If someone said that about my home I would be flipping delighted‘

Why would you like someone to do this? : And the one mum that did come kept commenting on how her house was much tidier than mine

RobinGood · 21/02/2023 09:36

I wouldn’t move because of this. Speak to the teacher about your younger child, it may be that there are children they spend time with at school, and you can directly approach their parents to arrange things. Doesn’t matter if it’s not reciprocated, IMO, just keep doing your bit to facilitate any friendships.

Your older child is getting a fresh start soon at secondary school, very few primary friendships survive the transition. Don't screw up his place at a good secondary (would you even get into a good one at this stage of the year if you moved?) because of social awkwardness.

Take yourself out of the equation - you said you’re tired and introverted and work full time. It doesn’t matter if you do or don’t get on with the other parents really, just do what you need to facilitate things for your younger DC and the older one will figure it out at secondary when parents are no longer involved.

purpledalmation · 21/02/2023 09:47

The only issue worth addressing is whether the children are happy in the school. Get to the bottom of why if they are unhappy and make a change based on that. Of course they may be just as unhappy in a new school?

Encourage out of school activities for the kids.

As far as the school mums go. Don't give it headspace. Make friends in other ways. School playground cliques are impenetrable unless you are the queen bee type.

Original poster

Commonsensitivity · 22/02/2023 08:50

Don't screw up his place at a good secondary (would you even get into a good one at this stage of the year if you moved?) because of social awkwardness.

This is key isn't it?

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