Child has been hurting my child in school

[Worriedmum910]

My daughter is in reception she has this friend who was nice to her when she joined but recently she has been squeezing my daughter hard to hurt her and scribbling on my daughters drawings.

I went to pick her up the teacher told me my child dug her nails into the other girl by squeezing her and drawn blood out so the other girl went crying told the teacher.

When we were leaving the school she told me the girl squeezed her arm so she squeezed her back and when I was back at home helping her wash her hands I noticed raised pink bumps on both wrists and she told me the girl had squeezed her and also drew with a pen on her hand.

I phoned the teacher to tell her what had happened she did apologise but said she had asked my child did she hurt that girl and my child was honest and admitted she did!

The teacher said my daughter didn't inform them of the other girl hurting her. And the other girl had blood and was crying that is how they knew. But still they should have asked my child why did she do that.

My child told me the teacher shouted at her to get out and sent her to nursey as a punishment and then when they let her back in she was told to sit at the back of the class for her behaviour.

They are on Xmas break now I don't know what to do. I can't stop thinking about it that my daughter got punished but the other child got away with it. I have also taken a photo as evidence.

My child she told me she didn't cry even though she wanted to and its really breaking my heart. That girl doesn't like it if my child plays with any other kids, she snatches things out of her hand and doesn't share.

I'm fuming but also upset. I have told my child to tell the teacher if the girl hits her again but seems she's not comfortable telling them for some reason.

Should I email the school or wait until it opens in the new year and raise my concerns with them? I feel its unfair the way my daughter was treated yes she should be told off but so should've that girl and the teacher should have asked both children what happened not just one.

Write a complaint to the headteacher and ask they change your daughter’s class. In the meantime, tell your dd to tell the teacher every single time this girl touches her. Tell her to say really loudly, don’t touch me / don’t hurt me & don’t just tell her it’s ok to play with other children but encourage it with playdates.

If it’s a one form entry won’t be possible to change class, and schools rarely move children between classes unless they really have to, otherwise they would have parents asking constantly for other children to be moved every time there is a falling out.

Your DD needs to learn to speak up whenever anything happens. Teacher may help encourage other friendships

Thank you so much for the advice I will do, I wasn't sure what to do as I've been told when you complain teachers will take it out on the kids and that means turning a blind eye to teachers mistakes.

There is another class but hoping she can be moved, she has other friends and the girl who hurt my dd does not like the fact my dd plays with other kids she just wants my daughter to play with her. I have told her to speak up I hope she does, she did say if she tells the teacher they will ignore her. Makes me think maybe she has told the teacher previously and nothing was done Thank you for the advice

Write an email now and send in January, explaining what you've said here. Follow up with a conversation before the end of the first week. Be your child's advocate.

Don't make demands to change class because:
A) it's probably not in your child's best interests. The teacher should work on the friendship issues first. She may not have tried to as she wasn't aware. Give a chance for some progress once you've contacted and discussed
B) in most schools, it won't be possible as class sizes in reception are capped at 30

Don't expect specific punishment for the incident in December. It's not right or beneficial to punish a 4/5 year old 3 weeks after the fact.

Maybe do ask daily, before going far from school, "Did X play nicely today?" or "Did you use kind hands today? Did X use kind hands today?" That was, you can turn right around and go back to the teacher if not.

Do work on assertiveness (not that controlling behaviour of others is her fault, but protective skills can help her throughout life). Do work with the teacher and keep in good contact.

Only if this fails, then escalate and consider asking for a class move, or the headteacher to be involved, etc.

The teacher hasn’t got eyes in the back of her head! Reception classes are very busy places with too few staff. The teacher apologised to you, your child didn’t tell her about the other incidents so she’s only seen one part. Could she have asked if the other child had done anything first? Maybe, but she was faced with a crying, bleeding child and your daughter said nothing!

Just talk to the teacher and tell her what happened and I guarantee she’ll feel dreadful and keep an eye out in the future.

I'd probably wait and see how it goes. Practically it probably has resolved itself.

Giving your DD has drawn blood chances are the other girl has learnt her lesson that your DD is not the best person to mess with. Buy you can't really ignore the fact that your DD kinda went for it, there's a big difference pinching someone and drawing blood.

Only thing I'd ask is that the kids are not sat next to each other in class or lunch

Also I think you need to consider the relative punishments. A kid reporting that another kid had pinched them and drawn on their hand would probably be punished with "don't do that, it's not kind" as a mum I'd also be encouraging my child to be saying loudly "ow don't do that it hurts". I'd be aware that as a parent we don't always see the entirety of our DCs relationships at school

Your DD drew blood would naturally be more worrying and a more serious punishment

@Icedlatteplease the girl didn't pinch my dd she dug her nails into my dd which gave my daughter nail marks red raised bumps.

Every parent knows their child wemy dd has been near other kids and never hit anyone even when a SEND child from nursey pushed her onto the floor she cried and didn't want to go back to school. She never hit him when he screamed in her ear. I was informed by the teacher.

When my friends 1yr old child used to hit her as he doesn't understand she never hit bk she would tell me. She is not the type to hit someone unless they really hurt her and she shares.

She told me the other girl squeezed her arm hard when my dd wanted to play with another boy.

My dd said she wanted to cry but was scared the kids would laugh at her and that broke my heart

Previous day she squeezed her leg, I didn't think much off it as they are friends I had thought maybe they were playing. The other girl threw chalk on floor and stamped on it my dd copied her the teacher informed me off this, I can't even speak to the girls parents cause their English is basic level otherwise I Iwould have.

I did tell dd not to play with her anymore if she's hurting her and my dd asked me if she can change classes.

My daughter keeps on saying names of other kids that are nice but about this girl she has said she used to be nice to her but not nice to her anymore.

That other girl has only one friend where as my dd has a group of friends and I think the girl must be hating my daughter playing with others. As the teacher said when the other girls friend is in class it's been OK it's sounds like since that girls been off.

My child be allowed to play with whoever she want

Thank you everyone for taking the time to reply

It’s always best to let school with it, don’t approach the other girl’s parents, that rarely ends well

Will remember that, thank you for the advice

Write down what actually happened now so it doesn't get lost in the fog of christmas ready to put in your email

I can't stop thinking about it that my daughter got punished but the other child got away with it. I have also taken a photo as evidence.

I really think you do need to stop thinking about it. Incidents like this happen often in a EYFS classroom and every incident can't be investigated like a crime. Sometimes you ask them what happened and they don't tell you and you just tell them not to sit next to each other on the carpet.

Being heartbroken and also fuming is an overreaction. The other child isn't at home twirling her moustache and plotting terrible deeds. She's a 4 or 5 year old.

OP I really wouldn't follow some of the hysterical posts you will get about demanding a change of class etc etc. The fact is that these are small children learning how to socialise and manage their own behaviour. It will be impossible for the teacher to know who started the squeezing or whatever happened. In your shoes I would:
Decide not to get upset about whether the other child was told off. There is absolutely noting that can be done about that. It can't and shouldn't be revisited as the kids will have forgotten about it by now.
Tell your dd that she must speak up if another child hurts her which they no doubt will. Small kids push and hit each other.
Ask the teacher to keep an eye on the girls given what has happened.

Relax. This is only the start.

Nonsense. The other child dug her nails in, your DD dug her nails in a drew blood. There's no point in saying you don't have a child who retaliates because, whether she did or not in the past, she very clearly did here. That's not in doubt

I have as much trouble with a child who just sits back and takes it. What they are doing at this age is learning about asserting boundaries. Sometimes, as in your DD's case, they will get that proportionality of response wrong. She drew blood. Thats a disproportionate and somewhat worrisome. Instead of kicking off at the other child (who is only doing the same thing) helping your daughter with the language or assertively say she isn't comfortable with something will do her better in the long run than moving her class, railing at the teacher or even telling your DD to tell the teacher.

Tbh from what you are saying there's a lot of "low level" friendship stuff going on. The flip side of what you have presented is a group of girls who have deliberately decided to exclude the girl who helped your DC settle in a new school. I personally wouldn’t find that particularly admirable. I would worry your DD is trying to raise her social status at the expense of her previous friend. I think sometimes having conversations about what friendships/relationships look like from both people's perspectives can sometimes yield better results. Your DD might decide no she doesn't want to be friends but perhaps there might be better ways to handle the whole thing

This very much sounds like there's a lot going on and much more 50/50 than i think you are willing to accept. We're parents we love our kids so that's not overly surprising. But sometimes our DC's independence and social skills do better with some realistic down to earth conversations. Not everything needs mum to be down the school.

Decide not to get upset about whether the other child was told off. There is absolutely noting that can be done about that. It can't and shouldn't be revisited as the kids will have forgotten about it by now.

Exactly. It's the holidays now. It's over and done, and these are very young children who have not yet got this stuff sorted out. They are also very young children with memories like goldfish. Your DD won't give this another thought unless you keep talking about it, which you mustn't.

January is a new term. When she goes back to school simply remind her to tell the teacher if anyone hurts her, rather than hurting them back.

The good thing about all this is that the other little girl probably won't pick on your daughter again. Sometimes a bully needs a dose of their own medicine .

I'd keep the photo on my phone and produce as evidence in case the mother approaches you believing her little angel is the victim. Also bear in mind your own daughter may sometime be economical with the truth. They are not perfect.

At the beginning of next term, maybe message the teacher asking if they don't sit together again but I wouldn't mention it to your daughter. It will probably all blow over.

With hindsight, yes, if the teacher had asked why, the whole story might have come out - or perhaps not, if your daughter was too timid to say.

It sounds as if there would have been consequences for the other child had the teacher known the full story, but given the gap before they go back, it's not going to make much sense for there to be consequences then. Yes, that's unfair, just as it is unfair that some people get caught using their mobile when driving and others don't. Try to let go of it, and explain to your daughter that the other child didn't get punished because the teacher didn't know.

Going forwards, the important thing is that you make sure the teacher has the full picture on the dynamic that has been going on, so that she can keep an eye on things and nip anything further in the bud. Also make sure your child knows she can "tell" - and check with her at the end of each day as a PP suggested.

Demanding a class move isn't helpful. If the classes are full then it would only be possible by moving another child as well. They probably share outdoor space, so the children will still see each other anyway.

An over reaction. The teacher didn’t know and apologised when informed.

If the teacher has any sense she will swap them around next term. No one wants Dc digging their nails into each other!

This isn't a thing in reception classrooms. Most of the day is free flow, so swapping children around wouldn't mean anything.

I'm sure the teacher will attempt to keep a closer eye on both children to ensure things don't escalate again.

Depends on school and whether Dc are ready to read and write. My DD never had free flow. It was much more planned so the annoying child she was sitting next to was moved. Shared out so to speak! However many Dc were ahead.

@TizerorFizz freeflow is part of EYFS curriculum which YR falls within

When my son was in nursery, we had a similar issue. I taught him to shout "stop, don't touch me" when the child in question did anything. I emphasised consent, so he clearly understood that he did not have to tolerate any kind of contact at all if he did not want it and that people who do not respect your consent are not your friends. I told the teacher what I had taught him. It did not stop everything immediately, but his shouting drew attention, so the teacher stepped in and prevented things from happening. The child gradually stopped hitting/pinching him. Still hit others though 😔

I would have a practice at home of what DD must do eg shout out loud - if she doesn't normally do this it's difficult and you are in shock at the time of the bullying.