DD seems really unhappy at current school. DS is happy though..

[Jexi]

DD has for a while now been saying how she doesn't like her school and wants to move. I think she struggles with friendships. It's a small village school and a lot of people live in the village and I feel the friendships were made early and were already established. We don't live in the village so feel like this has put her at a disadvantage.

She keeps saying she gets shouted at everyday and that she doesn't know how to make the right choices. She says the few friends she does have don't really listen to her.

With it being a small village school there isn't a massive friendship pool to choose from as it is. I've informed school of what's being said and her teacher said oh she seems OK in here. Despite said teacher having to chase DD round the playground because she refused to go in and was crying for me to take her home.

Tonight she offered me her birthday money if I changed her school. 😭 To make things more complicated I also have a 9 year old DS at the school who has SEN and an EHCP who seems happy at the school.

I've no idea what to do.

How old is she?
What/where are the alternative schools?
Can you use wraparound care to facilitate 2 x drop offs & pick ups?

If she's genuinely unhappy and has years left I would try and find a better fit for her. Numbers/friends less likely to change in a small village school.

How difficult would it be if they went to different schools? Is it possible for your DS to stay but DS to move? How many years does DD have left at the school?

She's just turned 8, couple of schools within the area have vacancies.. Schools seem to get good odsted reports but I know not to base a decision on those alone.

We could use breakfast club to help with drop offs that wouldn't be an issue... I'm more worried about making the move and it not helping her.

She is so unhappy. Comes home everyday saying she wants to leave. Yet OK in school apparently.

@Takingabreakagain would be slightly annoying logistically but not impossible.

At 8 she's got quite a few years left in the same school. If she is genuinely unhappy I think I'd be looking for an alternative.
Can you visit the alternatives and see if you think they'd be a better fit for her? Perhaps a larger school with more options of friendship groups would be better for her especially if the school feeds into the secondary school. She has a good chance to find her group before moving up

How sought after is the current school? With a sibling there she might be able to move back. Could there be other undiagnosed needs which are underlying some of the reluctance?

I couldn’t bear my child being so unhappy, poor wee mite. I wonder what is going on? Can you ask for a meeting with the head and ask for your girl to be better supported?

For context, my 8yo was very sad about being in a class away from her friends. She tried for two weeks to make it work but couldn’t. I took her in to see the head. The head got out the class lists and asked my daughter which one she wanted to be in, then called in the teacher of her chosen class to take her there. She arranged for her belongings to be taken over. 💕

@Takingabreakagain I'm going to have a ring around next week I think and see if I can go and have a nosey.

@Unexpecteddrivinginstructor not overly sought after. Always tends to have places available across all year groups. Year groups are mixed. I do think she may have some undiagnosed needs. I've long suspected ADHD as she meets most of the criteria. Her teacher also says she has an uncontrollable urge to talk, can interrupt conversations, shout out, struggles with impulse control. Often fiddles in lesson with stationary. On the go all the time and tends to go at 100 mph. But she said not to go down the ADHD route as she's not a child that "stands out" to her.

@TheSilentPicnic I can't either. It breaks my heart that she offered me her birthday money to move her. I've also heard her after school calling her friends names and just being ignored. 😢 The school are aware that she states she's unhappy but as she seems OK when there I don't think they see a huge issue. They've said themselves she is lively/spirited which I think is code for hard work. 🤔

I'd move her, especially if you are able to facilitate both pick ups.

I moved my DC from a larger school to a village one and I fucking regretted it, the pool of school friends was tiny. DC is at secondary now and much much better.

Your DD is 8 and by that age, in my limited experience, they certainly are able to self advocate quite well, so I'd be listening and asking for her to be moved. She has a few years left and if it's miserable now, I'd worry it would only get worse.

School should be a happy experience for them.

That's what I want for her. Just for her to be happy at school. Before half term it got to the point where DD would run away from the teacher and cry. It broke me then as well to leave her so upset.

I just want to do what's best for her as well as being mindful of DS and his challenges too. 😕

If you move her there is a chance you will have the same issue

The school is being ridiculous. Surely anyone who works with children knows to listen to them rather than decide how they’re feeling. That in itself is a big fat red flag.

@cansu that's why I'm not 100% decided yet. It's a big decision.

If it’s a small school with mixed years, has the recent movement in the years between groups changed things? Did she get on with the older/younger year children in her class last year that are now no longer there, or is this more long term?

I think this is the danger of when things don’t work out friendship wise in a small school, there’s less scope to find a new group of friends. Unfortunately, there’s unlikely to be a solution where she is if your child doesn’t have some in the school that she clicks with at all.

I think I’d be looking at moving her, but also totally understand the nerves about doing this and then this also not working out, so tough decision to make.

I do hope everything goes well for your daughter.

If she is asking so desperately to move, I think you should consider it.
Yes, she might still have issues at the new school, but if so, you can then look into whether further assessment or help might make a difference. It's not like you are losing anything by moving her away now - it would be a big decision if the logistics were impossible, if you had to move DS as well, if you thought you couldn't come back to the village school, etc. But the way you've posed it, it doesn't sound like there are any major barriers, so why not?
She will know you've listened to her; she might just need a fresh start; a bigger school will have more resources for support, as well as a larger friendship pool. New children are often welcomed and are interesting to the class.
If the school knows she says she's unhappy, and if she has been crying at school before half term, they can't keep saying that she 'seems fine when there', as clearly she doesn't. And even if she 'seems' fine, she obviously isn't.

So I think I'd certainly go see other schools and see what feeling you get from them. 3 more years being unhappy in a particular class dynamic is a long time, especially the pre-teen years, building up to secondary transfer - that could have knock-on effects on her confidence that stay with her throughout secondary.

Does she struggle with friendships in other places too or just at her school?
Does she have friends outside of school? From clubs or classes she attends or family friends of yours, or church or other things you might attend?

Or is this a wider problem and more a problem with her social skills as opposed to a problem with the school itself? As if you move schools you may find the problem just follows you too.
Whereas if she's a social little thing with some good friends outside of school and who she gets on well with and they in turn like and get on with her, then moving sounds like a good plan.

Does your son have ASD? It's harder to spot in girls so maybe look at supporting her in current school before moving her. Looking up masking in asd. Might be way off track but went through similar in my daughter aged 8 and everyone said it was in my head. 3 years later and she's been diagnosed with asd/adhd. Thought i was going mad!

When my primary age DC have had friendship struggles at school their teachers have always listened and been quick to step in to help. None of them have suggested everything's all fine at school because they haven't seen the issues themselves. None of them suggested my DC weren't ND because they mask and appear ok at school. They didn't dismiss my DDs anxiety because she seemed fine at school.
I would be very unhappy with the teacher just dismissing my DCs struggles. If the teacher was supportive or the school bigger it might be worth doing some playdates to potentially build up some friendships or joining some sports or clubs, but the situation really doesn't sound salvageable. If you can manage 2 sets of drop ups and pick ups I'd move her.

I think children need to learn to cope with low level unhappiness. Children can’t be perpetually happy, few people can. Learning to cope with disappointment builds resilience.
I also wonder if she’s not responding to subliminal messaging from you, if she’s fine at school. She’s a brother with additional needs who must take up your time. It’s likely if she claims deep unhappiness that she’s getting more individual and positive attention. That encourages the behaviour to continue.

Have some friends around to play, one at a time or three for a Christmas tea party. Speak with her teacher but overall I’d go bright and breezy, reinforcing we all get fed up sometimes but that is her school and she needs to get on with it. Then encourage her to come to you with positive things each day - her teacher might help by writing something positive in a notebook until she gets the hang of positivity being rewarded rather than negativity.

Youre accepting an eight year olds version and interpretation as an accurate account of causality. It is unlikely to be so.

My DD2 is 24 now. She hated primary school but I just thought she hated school in general - very much wanted to be at home. When she went to high school, she was so much happier - larger school, more structure, found her ‘tribe’ etc. I still regret to this day not moving her to a different primary school.

It must be so hard. If I was in your shoes I would definitely look around at other schools and I would take her with me and get her input so she feels listened to. A bigger school and a fresh start might be just what she needs and she will know she has your support going forward. If it doesnt work out the new school might be better at supporting her if her current school don't see an issue.

Good luck op

I'd be tempted to move if you can do 2 drop off, sometimes. Round here, children are able to do trial days at a new school before committing to the move. You could look round at schools and pick the one you think most likely to suit and then offer her a trial day? At her age I think it's very hard for them to put aside their unhappiness at school, and even if moving only temporarily fixes it at least it shows her you listen to her and gets her a few months where she's happier.

Did you try to change her classroom OP? i know someone who did that and child had really good friends on other class? You can try that if it is a big school maybe? Good luck and don’t worry she is still so young I am sure she will be ok in the end x