DD seems really unhappy at current school. DS is happy though..

[Jexi]

DD has for a while now been saying how she doesn't like her school and wants to move. I think she struggles with friendships. It's a small village school and a lot of people live in the village and I feel the friendships were made early and were already established. We don't live in the village so feel like this has put her at a disadvantage.

She keeps saying she gets shouted at everyday and that she doesn't know how to make the right choices. She says the few friends she does have don't really listen to her.

With it being a small village school there isn't a massive friendship pool to choose from as it is. I've informed school of what's being said and her teacher said oh she seems OK in here. Despite said teacher having to chase DD round the playground because she refused to go in and was crying for me to take her home.

Tonight she offered me her birthday money if I changed her school. 😭 To make things more complicated I also have a 9 year old DS at the school who has SEN and an EHCP who seems happy at the school.

I've no idea what to do.

Thank you all for your helpful replies. I've got some thinking to do, I'm going to email the school today and ask if I'm able to have a chat with the head.

Sorry but I think small cliquey village schools can be horrendous for girls. I sent mine to the largest primary I could find after our family’s experience.

Change the school. Nothing worse than the complete powerlessness of a child having no agency over their own life.

So they imply DD is hard work, struggles but don't pursue a diagnosis?? Madness!

Please move her.

You get one childhood.

I've said many times on here I hated my VI form, my health really went down hill, physically and mentally. I'm sure it was related.

That's how I see it! I understand she can be hard work I'm not blind to that fact. But to reiterate that she's fine when in there and not to bother exploring any reason as to why she can be difficult makes no sense to me! With her brother his difficulties were more obvious because he wasn't meeting milestones and struggled academically.

It's making me feel as if I'm a drama queen and LOOKING for something to be wrong.

What other things does she do? Whatever happens, I would try at least 2 other activities that have a different group of peers there (ideally, totally different), the kind that give some social interaction possibilities, so not swimming or things that are too focussed. Drama group? Outdoor volunteering or forest school type set-up? Meet the leaders to explain the problems regarding the experiences at school and her sensitivity to feeling the way she does.

My DD strenuously resisted places where she 'wouldn't know anyone' but we made a deal that she went for 6 weeks (whatever you can broker), and she then did want to keep going and is now glad that we got out of the small pool that had been standard since preschool, in that way.

I think I would also keep talking to the school, a lot, while this is happening, to see if there is something that can be saved, but taking seriously the possibility of leaving, and having a scratch strategy around times when this could be better for your DD, like the ends of terms.

And FWIW I suspect her reports and descriptions are 101 percent truthful, but that to withdraw most successfully, with a chance of improving feelings further than something just 'not' being the regular environment, rather than something that 'is' giving a better new path and some support, the plan would need to take a bit of time to play out.

Your daughter has been at the school long enough to know that it isn't the right fit for her.

I'm glad you are going to look around and research other schools and hope you are successful in finding somewhere more suitable. However no school is 100% right. Write a list of her and your requirements.

I hesitate to say this and am sure a lot of people will disagree but is there any way you could afford a small private junior school?

This is so true. I’ve experienced teachers saying ‘she seems happy’ and ‘she was laughing away the other day’. It’s no different to adults in that you can’t assume what someone is feeling, you have to actually talk to people to find out what they are feeling.

Honestly I would move her. She’s telling you she’s not fine and she’s asking you for help.

I would move her.

Why do you keep insisting she’s OK in school when she’s telling you she isn’t? Just because she manages to hold it together in front of the teacher

You need to listen to your DD here and move her asap

Absolutely. Whilst children can be drama queens, if they are giving consistent feedback like this then I would be accepting there is an issue here that needs addressing. Even in Nursery, my DS kept saying he was unhappy, despite the staff all saying how he was fine when there. I listened and moved him to a preschool that suited him better. I'd do the same with school. Sometimes it just isn't right for your child. Hope you find a school your DD is happy with and can move her asap.