I need to understand if I am too relaxed or teacher too strict

[nothappymum]

DS started school last September and he's not happy at all. Still cries in the mornings saying he doesn't want to go because he hates school.
His teacher said that he's very behind the others and is extremely slow. Also, he won't say a word or participate in class.

However, at home he will very happily tell me everything he's learnt during the day and remembers all his letters and can recognize them.
He can change himself into PE kit, but takes ages to get back into uniform. He's speach is extremely good for his age, however his teacher says that he doesn't say a word during class time.
Friends and family are quite shocked by this comment as he's extremely confident and chatty when in familiar surrounding.

He is not disruptive, but he has selective hearing sometimes and we need to bribe him to do things.

I told the teacher that we should wait until spring/summer before worrying too much about he dressing skills/writing abilities and we should now concentrated on his settling in and gaining confidence to make friends, but she made it clear that if he doesn't get to grips with writing his name or getting changed on his own by end of this term, she will be very worried.

I asked to assist once in the classroom to see how he behaves, but she refused, saying it would be worse for me to do to.

I am just wondering if I am too relaxed and should start drumming things into him, however the times I have tried I normally get the opposite effect as he refuses to do things.

I don't want to put him off school for life - so for me is very important he gets a good start - he was so keen on starting big school, but now he's so upset to go and I don't know what's the best thing to do.
Any advice out there?

By the way- he's a July baby so not even 4.5 now.

I think the teacher or a TA needs to work on building his confidence in class. Maybe the reason he doesn't participate in class is that he's scared of getting things wrong?
Have you tried asking why he hates school - has he told you anything?

Can he get dressed into his uniform at home?

sorry - should have added can he get dressed into his uniform at an appropriate speed at home?

The teacher is probably worried that if your son hasnt reached a certain goal by the spring/summer then he may be behind when he goes up to YR1 and wont be able to catch up, I think you are a bit too relaxed but its understandable as he is your baby and I know how I felt when dd was in YR, maybe you can ask the teacher what needs to be learned so that you can help him at home.

I'm not an expert in this at all.... but my instincts say that as he's your child you know best. The teachers don't see him out of school & haven't known him very long, so they can't really know what is achievable for him. If he isn't ready he isn't likely to pick up these skills (writing or dressing) however much he is pushed to. Like you said, if he is stubborn (as is my ds!) it will probably be counter-productive. And if he is not happy and comfortable with school yet, I'd say that needs to come first. 4.5 is very young and all children develop different skills at different rates. I think you're right about increasing his confidence first, and then I think the skills will take care of themselves.

Have you had a hearing test? It might be that he's finding it hard to hear the teacher in the much noisier classroom environment, and that in turn is affecting confidence at school. At home it's quieter, and so if his hearing is not 100% it probably wouldn't be noticeable.

Also the other thing to check might be eyesight...

I didn't get myself dressed until I was about 6 - due to indulgent mother and my laziness. I did do it at school though. It's hardly something that indicates "backwardness" and anyway he is very young for the year. If he responds to you at home there is something wrong at school. Needing to be bribed to do things shows a certain degree of intelligence! Perhaps a different teacher or a different school would be a solution? However, first thing to do is to talk to this teacher and make it clear he behaves normally at home and that you have no concerns about his development. Think about keeping a diary of the things you do with him, reading, recognising words etc.

Teachers are so keen to keep their league table places that they seem to want a class full of clones. What this teacher needs to do is build his confidence and concentrate on what he can do. If you were finding that he was slow at home as well it would be another matter but he clearly isn't from what you say. Take a firm but positive line with his teacher and say that you expect improvements in his attainment at school - you will do your bit but they must do theirs. I would also say that you WILL be helping in the classroom - at my son's school it is encouraged. I work so can't be lots of mums do.

At home think about encouraging him to get dressed and also taking every opportunity to do his homework and get him talking. It will help his confidence and indeed yours.

'first thing to do is to talk to this teacher and make it clear he behaves normally at home and that you have no concerns about his development' 'What this teacher needs to do is build his confidence and concentrate on what he can do'

hear hear hellywobs

thank you all for your comments.

Surr3ymummy - he's hearing and eyesight are very good, he's never had any problems with that. We had him tested recently.

I need to add that I am a foreign mum coming to grips myself with the English schooling system. I believe English schools are much better than in my country, but wasn't aware that he had to start so early to write and get dressed.
so Whizzz - to answer to your question- we have never practiced getting changed or writing before him starting school and the teacher mentioning it to me at the first parents evenings
We have never practiced changing back into uniform as he's learning how to put uniform on and he gets very frustrated so it seems too much to add that too.

He knows all the letters of alphabet and can write his name capital- but not lower case.

To this I need to add that he's bilingual so his vocabulary in English might not be as developed as his peers in the class.

I do think it's a case of him not having the confidence to talk because he says things like: "the others are better than me"

Tinkerbel6 - I agree that I need to push him more as teacher doesn't know him at home and might be worried for next year, but I don't know how to give him the confidence back to him and make him feel it's just a phase that he needs to go through before he gets better.
Jollydo - your son is the same age, do you have any trick that has worked?

Hi

Your son is still young and school can be daunting for some children.

Have you tried rewarding him with stickers to encourage him to dress and undress himself.

I still operate a sticker system with my dd for various things and when she completes a row she gets to pick something out of our lucky dip (A basket full of small toys/pens/book/stickers etc)

Perhaps the teacher could try encouraging your son to speak in class by having small group carpet/circle times...

Do they not do show, tell and listen yet? I'm sure my dd did this very early in reception...they take a toy in to talk about it and show the other kids.

The not speaking in class sounds like my dd. She went to kindergarten in Germany for a whole year before she spoke even though she understood nearly everything. It was also her second language and in the end she started talking when I went in to spend the morning there and do some activities with her group. All of a sudden she was so relaxed that she started to talk and went on from there.

At home she was always talkative, happy and even bossy towards her older brother but she was really bothered about making a mistake, she is a perfectionist. Could be your ds is sensitive and would rather not speak than make a mistake. Dd's problem is called selective mutism (google it maybe) and it really is stronger than them, they just can't speak.

he is SO young to be under this much pressure and it sounds as though his teacher feels pressurised herself and is unable or unwilling to give him the time he needs to settle and develop his confidence. Make sure the teacher and assistant are aware of how he is at home so they know his behaviour at school are not 'normal' for him and can start looking at how THEY might be going wrong, rather than what is wrong with him. Is it a particularly difficult class? Is the teacher inexperienced and stressed out? These things will make a huge difference to how she views him.

nothappymum. my ds2 didn't speak at all during his
reception year. He literally did not say a single word. We couldn't believe it, as he was so talkative at home. Now he's in yr 2, they can't shut him up! Don't worry, 4.5 is tiny, he's got plenty of time to catch up. I would be asking his teacher what exactly she is doing to boost his confidence and to make school a more pleasurable experience for him. Sounds to me like she just wants to tick off his early years targets

well - I told the teacher how shocked I was at his behaviour in class and to prove that he actually listens and retains information I also relayed the conversations I have with him which are pretty much what they talk about during school time and I couldn't know them unless I was a fly on the wall (which I would love to be!).

Her response has been that this all sounds good and well, however, until he performs in class she is very concerned about him.

He's been downgraded tables a couple of times and he now sits with children with learning difficulties.

I had this piece of information from DS not from her and DS is not very happy about it as it's only 3 of them and he says he finds it boring.

A part of me thinks is better for him as he will get more support, but on the other side I think this might affect his confidence even more and I am not sure if I should have been told before hand.

We are trying the reward charts at home and he's already getting faster at getting changed, he could even undo buttons tonight! We had also a breakthrough with his writing yesterday as he finally managed to grip the pencil the right way and he's doing it rather well now. So it's a case of perseverance.

But sometimes it seems to me like his teacher has already kind of written him off iyswm

Also wanted to add that he started quite high up in September as the nursery where he'd been for years had written a fab report for him and thought he was quite advanced.

That is why I have never had any reason for concern so far.

nothappymum-my DD is exactly the same and has'nt spoken at all in reception class since starting in september.

Although my DS who is 6 and in year 2 has selective mutism and we are not sure how much of this has affected her and she may think that because her brother does'nt talk in school she should'nt ethier.

Like your DS my DD picks up on everything and tells me about it when she gets home ,she is also very independent in dressing herself etc.

Like admylin said maybe helping out in the class may help him relax more which is what DD's teacher has suggested to me.
Also what admlin said about her DD being a perfectionist and sensitive and rather not speak than make a mistake be a factor?

They are still very young and some children take longer than other to settle,it's only been 4 months and with christmas holidays etc no time at all.

I am not sure they should be putting him with other childen with learning difficulties until they know exactly the reasons behind your DS not talking in class.

When my DS finished reception they wanted him to stay behind and repeat reception instead of moving up to year 1 which i fought and got changed as academically he had the undersatnding to do the work just could not verbalise it.

I would have another talk with the teacher and discuss the options.

It struck achrod with me when you said your DS said
"the others are better than me"

My DS once said he does'nt talk in school because he has nothing interesting to say.

Let us know how you get on please

I wonder if your child is bored? Some kids, especially boys will shut off when they are not stimulated enough. I am shocked to hear about the "table of learning disabled children". I am a teacher myself and think that that sort of labelling is horrible! Children will only rise to what you believe they can be. I think the teacher isn't a good match for him...hopefully next year he will have a better teacher who connects with him, and hopefully doesn't get influenced by the findings of this teacher. I think it's important for you to go into the classroom and observe him..I think the teacher is afraid of you observing her. I think it's important to see children on thier own continuum and not to compare them to their peers so young. All children have gifts that we need to celebrate and points to work on. I always teach my children in the classroom setting to look for and use other people's gifts. I find it madning that you are having this experience and I feel sorry for your child, who obviously deserves more from his teacher.

notahappymu

Your ds sounds like he is doing really well.

he writes his name
can get dressed
knows his letters
speaks two languages

WOW! ask how many other children can do all these things at his age!

It is sad that he sees moving tables as moving 'down', that is wrong of the teacher - he should be unaware of what table represents what.

Perhpas you need to keep the pressure off, build him up with praise and keep talking to his teacher and perhaps the head to see if they understand the needs of a bilingual child

I am constantly amazed how primary school teachers seem to have no clue about the age group they teach and never seem to learn from experience either. Your son sounds completely normal for his age. There are children in year1 who struggle to dress themselves or at least take ages and they are too completely "normal". Teachers just don't have the patient and try to scare parents into doing the work for them at home (have see this many times). I would complain about him being on a special needs table if he is not SN. IME it really helps to be pushy mum, go and see the head master etc.
HE IS ONLY 4 YEARS OLD!!

My 4th DS is also a July baby - he is not 11 till July whereas three quarters of his class have been 11 for ages.

I think this is a very common problem. Our problem was that DS is very clever! When he was in reception he sat his Year 2 SATS and sailed thru them - then almost immediately until a couple of years ago he seemed 'left to his own devices.'

I hate the National Cirriculum in this country - no allowances made for either children who are struggling a little or just shy and no allowances made for the bright sparks, who need just as much help.

Think I would try and boost his confidence at home and tell him how important his views are at home and school. I know that you already do this at school - but always stand his corner and dont let any worry go by, always go into school and discuss him. It is obvious that you are a great mum. Stick with this and all the very best of luck x

Sorry, I don't think I was clear.

They don't call this table in any way, I just happen to know that the 2 children sitting on it have delayed learning abilities.
I don't think they are SN, just their languages skills are not as developed as the others and at this age I don't think is a big issue.

DS doesn't know about being downgraded, but I know the streaming system they use.

DS only thinks it's not fair he cannot play anymore the games on his old table which he found very interesting and gets bored with the games they play at his current table...

Might be time to see the head nothappy, If you don't get satisfactory answers from the teacher. Do not worry he sounds completely "normal" to me.

thanks all for your kind words and comments - by reading them I realize how much this has affected me, more than I want to let on....and I am far from relaxed as I say in the title.

I don't want to worry if there's no point to yet, however seeing DS crying does put me down.

I have tried talking to the teacher, and I do feel like there is a wall sometimes and everything can be explained according to her with something wrong with DS. She's never made a positive comment about DS so far.

I have pushed him in the past to do small talk with her, like telling her what he's done at the week end that he really enjoyed, but this backfired as teacher told me that the few times he tries to talk to her it will be for things completely unrelated to lesson that he's done at the week end.

DS from his side said that when he does talk to her, she blanks him and doesn's say anything back, so he now refuses even to talk about the week end with her

and I thought for 4.5 years old it was absolutely normal to come up with things out of the blue - but she thinks is not appropriate????

It really sounds quite strange to me, my son is in reception. I regularly takes in pictures that he has drawn for the teacher and tells her what he has been doing at the weekend. She clearly thinks its appropriate to have these sorts of chats with her pupils. I feel really sad for your ds, I think at their age, their teacher should show interest in them in this way.
I am cross on your ds's behalf, and think perhaps you should raise your concerns with the head.

I also think you should see the head with your concerns. My ds is also a young one in reception, but i would be horrified if he said that she 'blanked' him - she's his teacher FFS

My beloved son gets upset that he struggles with dressing/undressing (indulgent mother, pfb, etc ) he's that slow bless him, that the other kids offer to help dress him! But not once has the teacher mentioned i do anything other than gently practise as she says he is only little and it will come in time.

Plus, according to your teacher should my son also be on a low table 'cos he can't dress himself - or because he can talk the hind leg off a donkey - be on an accelerated table ! Ha, bollocks on your behalf - now i'm cross for you too