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Primary education

Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

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Original poster

Parents evening- too quiet

32 replies

strawberrykat · 21/09/2022 04:18

I had parents' evening last night for my dd who has just started reception. The only thing the teacher could say was that she was too quiet and needs to contribute more to class. I have two children who are both well behaved, hardworking, polite and kind but every parents' evening we have ever had the main comment is they are too quiet. Does anyone else get this? My son was the lead in the school play last year so it's not like he can't speak in front of others, he is just naturally a quiet, thoughtful and introverted person. I wish they were more extrovert but I have made peace with their personalities and try and value their strengths. I was so pleased how well my dd had settled in school, she is happy, has made friends and hasn't cried once about going so am feeling quite despondent that once again the only thing worth mentioning is how quiet she is.

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DrNo007 · 21/09/2022 04:30

I am in my 60s and my mother got this comment at every parents’ evening. Since I left school there have been times when I am quiet and times when I am a loudmouth and other times when I am in between. Please take the teacher’s comments with a large pinch of salt. If your children are happy in themselves, can communicate when they want or need to, and are learning, they are fine.

pompomdaisy · 21/09/2022 04:36

And how does that affect her learning? That's all I would be interested in from a school. She lives a bigger part of her life outside school. Also what are they doing to accommodate the fact that she's quiet?

cavebaby · 21/09/2022 05:18

Your children sound lovely and there's absolutely nothing wrong with being quiet, the teacher just needs to make the extra effort to get to know them.

junebirthdaygirl · 21/09/2022 05:38

I'm a primary teacher of many years and l wouldn't worry about this as long as your little one is happy in school. Does she play with other children?
Remember the teacher will be asking the children to be quiet to assist learning so she is probably taking that seriously and doing what she is asked.
Also she has only just started so may need time to get going. As long as she mixes at the breaks and is happy she will be fine. Doing an out of school activity that involves interaction also helps. Maybe drama for both of yours since your other child seems to like that.
She is fine, l'm sure.

lickenchugget · 21/09/2022 05:42

This will come in time, OP. I had similar feedback in reception - DC too quiet, DC needs to put their hand up and volunteer answers more. They were very shy, but it naturally developed over time.

Also felt like - what can I do to encourage my child to put their hand up, while in your classroom? I can encourage while at home, but I’m not there, and at 4/5, they often need timely instructions.

They will be fine.

basilmint · 21/09/2022 05:59

I'm a primary teacher and parent of two DC who I'm always told are "very quiet". Don't worry about it, especially at this stage in Reception. If all classes were full of loud children we would never get anything done. My eldest is a teen now and I would say just try to do activities over the years to build their confidence so they are able to speak up when needed. One of mine does drama which has been good for her. The other has found some hobbies she enjoys where she talks more .

YingMei · 21/09/2022 06:01

I have had this about my DS for years. I just nod politely tbh - he is who he is, he is very well behaved and does well academically. Being quiet isn't a massive drama as far as I'm concerned. DD by contrast is an extrovert and teachers are always much more positive about her. It's a shame it's seen as a negative trait.
A couple of weeks into reception seems a bit early to say this about a child though.

Original poster

strawberrykat · 21/09/2022 09:31

Thank you for your comments. I think I'm just disappointed that there was nothing good to say, it was all just about being too quiet and this is also what I always have with my ds. They are both happy and doing well academically and sociably so I will try not to worry. My ds attends a drama club which has definitely helped so I might sign my dd up too.

OP posts:

bigbadbarry · 21/09/2022 09:36

I used to get this all the time at parents evenings. Many teachers don't understand the difference between 'quiet' and 'lacking confidence'

Ottercave · 21/09/2022 09:40

Another one here who used to get this all the time with a couple of my children. It used to really piss me off. It was as though being quiet was a bad thing.
No. Some children are just naturally quiet. There was no way I was asking my children to change how they were.

lickenchugget · 21/09/2022 09:42

Ottercave · 21/09/2022 09:40

Absolutely. I’d much rather my DC were quiet and well-behaved than loud and mouthy.

VariationsonaTheme · 21/09/2022 09:43

My mum used to be told this about me every year. The teachers at my ds’s school said he was ‘quietly confident’ which is a much less negative way of putting it.

romdowa · 21/09/2022 09:45

My poor mother had one of each .I was too chatty , my brother too quite. 20 years on and we are exactly the same. It's just our personalities

Sausagerollfiend · 21/09/2022 09:51

Get used to hearing it every year! My ds is very quiet, never makes a fuss, just gets on with things and observes. He has just started sixth form after getting fantastic gcse results. But every parents evening since nursery we've always had the same comment about him never putting his hand up to share ideas or answer questions. How they wish he'd speak up more. By the time he got to secondary, I had a stock answer: he's been the same since nursery so I don't think he's going to change now. Then I'd move the conversation on. We can't all be loud, confident and engaged at school. As long as your child is happy to go to school and is learning at the right pace, then don't worry.

Mariposista · 21/09/2022 10:07

There is nothing wrong with being quiet as long as she isn't disengaged. Is she actively listening but just choosing to be an observer rather than put her hand up all the time? Or is she gazing out the window or fiddling? Because the first one is fine, and she will still be learning, but the second is not.
FWIW she sounds fine and will get more confident as time goes on. Quiet is much better than disruptive.

2pinkginsplease · 21/09/2022 10:10

Parents evening this soon in the year, the teacher can’t possibly know what your child is fully like.

and as a previous person has said I’d much rather my child was quiet and did as they were asked regarding school work than chatty and cheeky!

RachelSq · 21/09/2022 11:31

I was always the “too quiet” child in school. I always felt overlooked for being “good” and feel like I didn’t enjoy school as much as I should have as I was too scared of getting something wrong and being told off.

Contrary to most in this thread, I’ve endlessly encouraged my DS to be outgoing and that he should be heard and feel confident in himself. He’s very respectful and if asked to stop doing something he will, but he doesn’t take criticism/being singled out personally.

The feedback we’ve had to date is fairly positive, that he’s a chatterbox and always wants to be involved in everything etc but knows when to settle down. I’m proud that he’s so much more confident than me but also that he knows when he’s taking things too far and to stop/apologise.

rainbowsandstarshine · 21/09/2022 11:49

I had this when my DS started school, felt really deflated after parents evening as it felt like a character assassination. Being extrovert seems to be so highly prized but there is nothing wrong with being an introvert. Now it y3 he has found his way and is more quietly confident but he is never going to be loud. Both me and my DH were quiet children and are both now fully functioning adults. It is just a shame the quiet children are somehow seen as lacking.

Gizlotsmum · 21/09/2022 12:17

This drives me up the wall. Secondary now and has one teacher tell me they couldn’t assess my child’s abilities as they didn’t regularly speak up in class… I didn’t know how to respond, I can’t make them talk in class. they are naturally quiet, same school different subject teacher recognised the natural introvert and suggested a hand up in class once a week would be sufficient.. guess which one was easier to implement

TeenDivided · 21/09/2022 12:21

I think there is a difference between naturally quiet but willing and able to contribute and quiet and shy and unable to contribute.
The first is fine but the second isn't. I know of 2 bright teens who both struggled with aspects of GCSE languages & then random A levels because they weren't confident to speak out in class.

mondaytosunday · 21/09/2022 12:28

I have two kids, one 19 and out of school, the other 17 in Upper Sixth.
At every single parents evening I was told my son never shut up and my daughter was too quiet. Every. Single. Time.
Oddly, while my son is boisterous and outgoing and seems full of confidence, he isn't underneath. He's not academic and has to work hard at his vocational training. He cares deeply what other people think.
My daughter, very quiet, is quite confident and can speak her mind when she wants to. She is very academic and talented and I think that gives her inner confidence. She just doesn't care what other people think.
I ignore the teachers. I was quiet too - certainly I'm not now. There's nothing wrong with being quiet. But it does make it harder to be heard, so your child may get overlooked on occasion.
I'd say back to the teachers why do they think this is a concern. If your child is doing well academically (such as it is in Reception) and seems happy in themselves, what does it matter? It's only when the child feels left out or struggles that I'd consider action, but making them talk more is not necessarily the answer.

RoachTheHorse · 21/09/2022 12:35

I got told my child was timid once. It was such a negative connotation. He is quiet but he contributes. He's just not boisterous and loud. He's a stereotypically studious and non physical child.

FatMog · 21/09/2022 12:40

My mother was told this in the sixties! I got it. My daughter gets it. We generally ignore it. We are introverts and shy. I did quite well at school and my daughter expects to have similar success. She's much more creative than me, and is happiest when "in the zone". It's just we don't say very much. I wouldn't worry.

MarshaBradyo · 21/09/2022 12:42

This is hard because it’s not like your dc can change in the classroom without support whilst actually there

So if the school say too quiet / timid perhaps say yes it’d be great to know what can help in the class so they can contribute more. Ask them how they can help

I know it’s hard in the moment, I find P/E very short and I don’t have much to add to their short they are doing well etc

minervamcgonagall2 · 21/09/2022 12:56

If it happens again perhaps suggest the teacher reads Quiet Power by Susan Caine. We can't all be extrovert, nor should we be

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