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Primary education

Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

Original poster

Help me get her dressed

42 replies

melvet77 · 14/09/2022 08:58

My 4.5 year old started school on Monday. Tuesday we had some upset (got as fat as hairbrushing then she went limp like a noodle. I had to carry her halfway there.) but went in OK eventually. Today we are butt naked on the sofa and school started 10 minutes ago. School have said even if she's in mufti to bring her in, but she is refusing all clothes. My plan is to wear her down ( I have three hours)- outside of using physical force, do I have any other options?!

OP posts:
20viona · 14/09/2022 09:00

Does she have additional needs?

PuttingDownRoots · 14/09/2022 09:00

Have you tried bribery?
Do you know why she's refusing?

PeekabooAtTheZoo · 14/09/2022 09:01

Yes it won't help for today but tomorrow, dress her while she's asleep in bed before you get her up! Do baths at night instead of any morning showers to make this work. I had to do this with my DS for a while. Eventually he got the idea that wearing clothes to nursery wasn't optional.

Also if she's able to tell you, can you explore why she doesn't want to get dressed? Is it the temperature in the house? The sensory issues of labels? Just doesn't want to go to school? Figuring that out will give you an inroad about how to proceed.

Original poster
melvet77 · 14/09/2022 09:22

No-one's gone as far as suggesting diagnosis, but my childminder told me if I got pregnant again she'd move, and one of her nursery workers said she was the most stubborn person she'd ever met.

OP posts:
Original poster
melvet77 · 14/09/2022 09:24

And she doesn't have the communication skills to express why she doesn't want to go to school. Apparently it's poo. And made of hair. Possibly moss.

OP posts:
Wanda616 · 14/09/2022 09:24

melvet77 · 14/09/2022 09:22

No-one's gone as far as suggesting diagnosis, but my childminder told me if I got pregnant again she'd move, and one of her nursery workers said she was the most stubborn person she'd ever met.

Wow! I can't believe the CM said that. How bloody unprofessional.

Can you have your DD sleep in plain leggings and a plain tshirt then if she won't get dressed, she can go out in those.

sashh · 14/09/2022 09:26

Threaten to take her in naked?

RachelSq · 14/09/2022 09:36

Pick the easiest clothes to get on her and wrestle these on would be my advice, but obviously dependent on your view of why she’s actually refusing.

If it’s as simple as being stubborn rather than an underlying issue it’s likely going to continue if she “gets her own way” by staying at home.

If she’s actually deeply upset at the prospect of school (rather than just not wanting to go today) or if there’s underlying needs this is a totally different conversation.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 14/09/2022 09:42

She is 4, you are the parent so parent her, why are you allowing her to dictate? School is not an option but you are allowing her to think it is as she is still sat butt naked on the sofa and school started 10 minutes ago.

Dripdropper · 14/09/2022 09:44

I’d look at using visuals - maybe a little schedule of main points of morning routine - breakfast, teeth, clothes, school bag and then tick off each one. If there’s an incentive at the end of the routine like having ten minutes to play or something it helps visualise that less time wasted on refusing means more time for something nice. Or having an object like a school toy that she takes home with her each night and must return the next morning (collaborate with teacher on this) can be a good bridge to her her out of the house.

maybe get clothes ready with her the night before, lay them out etc, so it’s already in her head that this is what’s happening

but also agree with PP to try and think what’s the root cause. “Stubbornness” comes from somewhere - there’s a reason she doesn’t want to get dressed for school. Could just be because she doesn’t like the shift from being “happy at home” to being “uncertain on the way to school” but visuals, preparation etc can help with that.

sorry though OP, it sounds stressful!

is she ok once she’s there?

Mojoj · 14/09/2022 09:50

I would dress her and take her to school. Drag her, if need be. She's four. You're in charge, not her.

leafchat · 14/09/2022 09:56

Do this every morning, so it is not associated with school:

Have hairbrush, toothbrush, clothes laid out night before. Be there before/as soon as she stirs in the morning.

Teeth brushed in bed.

Clothes and shoes on before leaving bedroom. Lock door and maybe even remove all toys and books if necessary.

Ideally hair brushed and face wiped with a baby wipe, but ok if it doesn't get done.

Then she can do whatever she likes (eat, play, cuddle) until it is time to leave.

It means you can say: "once you are dressed, we can play" instead of: " you need to get dressed, or we will be late for school", which is clearly not much of a reward.

ApolloandDaphne · 14/09/2022 10:03

Could you ask her to show you the 'poo with hair' that is worrying her so much? Maybe you can then reassure her it is okay.

SharpLily · 14/09/2022 10:07

Cocomelon. It helps my youngest, who can be difficult, to accept all sorts of ideas - dentist, tidying up, school.

JustMaggie · 14/09/2022 10:15

My daughter was very similar. Often times I'd finally get her dressed only to find she's stripped off and buck naked on the sofa watching cartoons. Don't force her to leave home kicking and screaming. Dress her up in home clothes and take her to a shop and buy her an apple or some grapes or whatever little snack she enjoys. Then once her mood has improved take her to school.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 14/09/2022 10:20

JustMaggie · 14/09/2022 10:15

My daughter was very similar. Often times I'd finally get her dressed only to find she's stripped off and buck naked on the sofa watching cartoons. Don't force her to leave home kicking and screaming. Dress her up in home clothes and take her to a shop and buy her an apple or some grapes or whatever little snack she enjoys. Then once her mood has improved take her to school.

Yeah, take her shopping for snacks, that will help 😂

Sprogonthetyne · 14/09/2022 10:26

For today I'd just pick her up and dress her, same as you would a toddler, tell her you understand she doesn't want to, but it's non negotiable and has to happen.

Going forward, talk to school and see if there's anything they can do to help. My DS was put in charge of giving the school rabbit breakfast for a term, which meant he wasn't straight into the noisy classroom (which was the problem), and instead of "it time for school" I could say "we can't leave nibbles waiting". The lovely ta met him at the door with a bag of veg every day, and took him straight there.

abovedecknotbelow · 14/09/2022 10:28

Is it sensory if she's not worn a uniform before? One of mine was and still is a nightmare over socks with seams.

RIPWalter · 14/09/2022 10:37

DD also 4.5 wasn't getting dressed by herself because she "couldn't do it", even though I knew she was capable as once or twice when we have been getting ready to go to the swimming pool she has miraculously appeared fully dressed and ready to go.

I always avoided sticker charts as I general follow the gentle parenting route which warns against them. But, I draw one up. One star each for pants, leggings, tshirt/dress, each sock. With a reward once she completely filled in a week. She got her reward after the first week, with very few issues. She has now progress to a new sticker chart, one star each for dressing, teeth cleaning and shoes on, her reward is on the kitchen shelf ready for when she completes this chart.

I'm amazed how effective and stress free it has been. However, there is no issue of school avoidance with my DD, she loves it. But probably worth a try.

reducedtimetable · 14/09/2022 10:38

melvet77 · 14/09/2022 09:22

No-one's gone as far as suggesting diagnosis, but my childminder told me if I got pregnant again she'd move, and one of her nursery workers said she was the most stubborn person she'd ever met.

What unhelpful comments from so called professionals 😞

reducedtimetable · 14/09/2022 10:43

Mojoj · 14/09/2022 09:50

I would dress her and take her to school. Drag her, if need be. She's four. You're in charge, not her.

That’s abusive you can’t force and drag a child it could end up hurting them

OP one of my dc was like this and subsequently diagnosed with ASD and ADHD

she refused to get dressed and if I got clothes on her would take them straight off immediately. So we said ‘ok you don’t want to go to school - that’s fine’ and she had a few days off and we didn’t mention it. We kept things very simple at home verging on boring and the school posted us some photos of the activities they were doing the play area etc etc and we casually introduced these to dd. Each time she said she was bored or what were we doing we said nothing today but let’s get some ideas from what they do at school ! It took 3 weeks and she said one day she wanted to go so she did a couple of hours. There were days she refused again so we ignored her and didn’t engage in negative behaviour or conversation about school at all. In the end she wanted to go every day and then wanted to stay longer it was hard but the standard approach and settling in didn’t work for her at all

RB68 · 14/09/2022 10:43

I had a stubborn cuss - and refusal to do things is common (17 now and occasionally still get it) but in my view put her clothes in the car, get her in the car - in a onsie if nec or in PJs if you can - by the time you get to school they are usually worn out with being oppositional and you can gently start to dress her in her seat and talk about what time picking her up, what you are going to do if she goes in pleasantly (ie park after school or something) and tell her you will miss her and you love her and can't wait to see her tonight. She is protesting separation in my view, she needs reassurance, calmness but boundaries ie she is to go to school no option

Needmorelego · 14/09/2022 10:47

My girl was similar. We had a few cases of throwing her in her buggy in pants and a towel round her to get her there.
I really really regret we did that. It didn't help get to the root of the issues. She got her autism diagnosis at age 11 after years of the battle to get to school.
She is 14 now. Suffers from Anxiety Based School Refusal. Barely attends.
Now @melvet77 ...this does not your daughter has autism of anything but you need to find the reason.
How much about school did she know about before starting? Had she read books like Starting School by Janet and Allan Ahlberg or Topsy and Tim Start School? They are a good way to show that "This is school, This is what it looks like, This is what happens".
They can be good as a way of starting a conversation about school in a calm way. For example the Janet and Allan Ahlberg book has beautiful illustrations and you could sit and read and talk about what is the same and what is different from her school in from the pictures. As the book is from the 80s the children in the pictures don't have uniform on so that could be a good starting point to say "oh these children don't have a uniform do they, but your school does doesn't it ?You wear those nice red sweatshirts" and she might pipe up with actually the label in the back her sweatshirt is itchy.
There used to be a programme on Cbeebies about starting school. Watch it together. Tell her about your primary school days (nice or funny stories only obviously 🙂).
You need to find her reason. She probably doesn't know or understand what it is herself yet. She is only 4. Poor little thing.
Good luck. Try not to get stressed. Stay calm.

reducedtimetable · 14/09/2022 10:49

My dd would go limp too she literally had the ability to liquefy herself and I couldn’t pick her up at all

ZeroFuchsGiven · 14/09/2022 10:49

reducedtimetable · 14/09/2022 10:43

That’s abusive you can’t force and drag a child it could end up hurting them

OP one of my dc was like this and subsequently diagnosed with ASD and ADHD

she refused to get dressed and if I got clothes on her would take them straight off immediately. So we said ‘ok you don’t want to go to school - that’s fine’ and she had a few days off and we didn’t mention it. We kept things very simple at home verging on boring and the school posted us some photos of the activities they were doing the play area etc etc and we casually introduced these to dd. Each time she said she was bored or what were we doing we said nothing today but let’s get some ideas from what they do at school ! It took 3 weeks and she said one day she wanted to go so she did a couple of hours. There were days she refused again so we ignored her and didn’t engage in negative behaviour or conversation about school at all. In the end she wanted to go every day and then wanted to stay longer it was hard but the standard approach and settling in didn’t work for her at all

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Parenting your child is abusive?