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hewouldwouldnthe · 13/09/2022 09:17

Sometimes you go through the whole school years and feel like this. Sometimes you get on nodding acquaintance, just passing a few odd comments with other mums, friendly enough but not part of the cliques. I think you'll find these mums know each other before the kids started school, so already have that familiarity. I never had much to do with the popular crowd, especially after I started back at work. It also depends a lot on where you live. I found the south awful for ignoring you but since moving north people and mums are far more chatty. If you are chatting and outgoing you're more likely to make friends. More reserved and it's less easy. Don't depend on these 'friendships' for life, they are often just acquaintances.

LadyKenya · 13/09/2022 09:21

Do not invest too much of your emotional energy on this. Try to be relaxed about it, and just smile, maybe say hello to someone near you. Just remember the sole reason that you are there for.

denvar · 13/09/2022 09:23

I get to school with about a minute to spare and wave from the back of the crowd before disappearing before the rush, have done this for 3 years couldn't tell you who anyones mum was or recognise them in the street.
I don't think much of it to be honest.

Oodlesofdoodlescockapoodles · 13/09/2022 09:24

Try not to put too much pressure on these very short interactions. People might be having a bad day, or whatever. I felt like you for most of reception but by the end of the year I'd got to know some better- birthday parties are good for that. Find someone to chat to and then when you next see them follow up on whatever you were talking about.

Plus play dates, when they start to happen you'll get to know the mums of your child's friends.

It'll take some time but you've got years ahead of you seeing these people. And if you dont make friendships with them its not the end of the world :)

FoxtrotSkarloey · 13/09/2022 09:26

I'm in the same boat and feel like this! What doesn't help is that it's a 3FE school and I don't even know which other children are in DS' class!

It's too early to be bothering me, so I'm trying not to worry and we'll just have to see how it goes. He's going to be starting wraparound soon too, so I'll have even less chance :(

Blossomandbee · 13/09/2022 09:27

You're only a week in, give it time. Once your Dc starts making friendships then there will be play dates, plus there will be birthday parties where you'll get to know the other parents.
Having said all that I've had three go through school and never made friendships. I have chats with other mums but that's as far as it goes.

VintageVest · 13/09/2022 09:29

Why do you feel like you need school mum friends exactly? What are you feeling sad about?

My child started school last week too and I cant really relate to this need to make friends. I try to smile and make eye contact and say hi to people, as its just nice to be friendly, acquainted and feel part of the school community but I don't expect to make any real friends. Most people are busy and off to work anyway and probably don't have enough time for their existing friends.

Prinnny · 13/09/2022 09:36

I think most people are just there to take their child to school not to make friends? If you want to make friends yourself try some adult hobby classes etc. That said, you might grow a friendship with time and exposure to the mum of your child’s friend through play dates and parties etc but certainly not within the first week or two!

Original poster

plinkyplonk18 · 13/09/2022 09:37

I agree I don't expect lasting friendship but being friendly with the hope of making friends is ok isnt it? I just want to feel a part of school l8fe but like you all say, I'm sure that will come. I am probably reading too much into it too soon.

OP posts:

Needmorelego · 13/09/2022 09:42

Do you want new friends or do you want to just be more involved within the school community?
If it's the second one then join the PTA, join the school Facebook group. Find out if there are volunteer roles within the school you could do - listening to the children read, helping out on Christmas craft day etc. School mum (or dad, granny, child minders, aunties....) friendships will probably evolve from that.

threegoodthings · 13/09/2022 09:42

It's still very early days. I slowly ended up getting to know the mums of DD's friends but that didn't really happen until after Xmas the first year.
Now that she's finished primary there are 2 mums that I would consider proper friends, and lots of others on FB.

I get what people are saying that you don't actually need friends at the school gates and whilst that's true, it does make it easier to know a few friendly faces. It will happen!

Needmorelego · 13/09/2022 09:47

Also I found sometimes talking to the children helps break the ice.
Say a cheery good morning to a fellow parent but if you don't get much conversation out of them then chat to the children - "ooh I like your coat that's a lovely colour" or "wow did you collect that conker on your way to school" and then sometimes the adult conversation starts up. The other parents might be just as nervous and shy and are talking to each other because they happened to attend the same Stay and Play group - not because they are specifically friends.

quietnightmare · 13/09/2022 09:52

Awwww op it sucks. Just give it a few weeks and then play days play dates and more play dates. Ask the teacher who your child plays with and invite them over. When is your child's birthday that works great as you can ask the mums about dietary requirements and get talking. If your child's birthday is ages away arrange a little tea party for Halloween or bonfire night or Xmas and ask the mums who likes what etc. give it some more time op. Also does your child go to any clubs as you could do the same there

Original poster

plinkyplonk18 · 13/09/2022 10:00

Thanks for the advice! Play dates will be good - they seem so young still but I'm sure she will makes friends soon and then it will all come.

OP posts:

Mariposista · 13/09/2022 10:00

I really wouldn't worry about it - make friends in other aspects of your life. My experience of school/nursery mums are cliquey women who have really boring conversations. I'm happy if the kids make friends at school, and if I can occasionally pass the time of day with someone if I am doing school run that day. I'm sure there are some decent, and interesting mums out there but most are as dull as ditchwater!

Emmacb82 · 13/09/2022 10:35

I think you need to give it a bit more time. My ds started reception in the first year of covid so we spent the first year queuing and wearing face masks - not a great combination to meeting people. Year 1 got better and I have a couple of mums that I can have a conversation with. Other times I’ll queue up and won’t speak to anyone. Not everyone wants to chat, people have their own friends outside of school so don’t feel the need to make any more. And some people can just be rude! I’m very shy and find it hard to strike up conversation, I think I can come across as being a bit aloof sometimes which probably puts people off. But my main reason for being there is my ds so it doesn’t really matter if you chat to people or not. Take the pressure off, im sure it will come.

KassandraOfSparta · 13/09/2022 10:42

t's not what I thought school life would be like and it's making me sad.

This is the problem. There's this whole "thing" about the school gates being some sort of massive social event where people bond for life. People go to school on their child's first day thinking it's going to be all mums together, bonding and chatting and busily arranging to see each other for coffee and fun days out.

In my experience it's not like that AT ALL. Most people are busy and rushing off to work or back from work, or off to do other things. They will briefly speak to people they already know from elsewhere, or not speak to anyone.

This is not them being bitchy, or cliquey, or sneering at anyone, it's just the way it is. So the best way to make friends - if you want friends - is to invite a parent and child back after school to play, or suggest to a child's mum that you all go to the park. Join the PTA or other parents' group and get to know other parents that way.

womaninatightspot · 13/09/2022 10:43

I found after school stuff a good way to make mum chums.luckily the community space that hosts lessons does excellent coffee and cake to bond over.

People are keen to make friends as that way you can help each other other out in a pinch. I’m rubbish at small talk.

Miriam101 · 13/09/2022 11:34

OP I felt like this a bit at the start of Reception although I definitely didn't have hopes of making great friends, more felt obliged to try to socialise with the other parents for the benefit of my DD (argh!) To begin with I felt like it was me back in the playground- a lot of the others all knew each other from nursery etc, but it's come with time, lots of parties standing round doing not much, seeing people on the street, in local playgrounds etc. I made a promise to myself I would overcome my resting bitch face naturally reserved nature and always be smiley and approachable so that people would see me as someone who's happy to chat. A year in there are a few mums I know reasonably well, by no means all but enough. It's a long game. You have seven years of this ahead of you! It'll come in time.

nancydroo · 13/09/2022 11:45

Seeing the same faces at endless parties is the better way to go if you want to make friends and then it follows on to the school gates. Parents with an older sibling might be less forthcoming initially.
First child I made a decent effort at the school gates but second child I'd rather just take her to school and pick her up without the chat.

DorritLittle · 13/09/2022 11:47

Give it time. I felt like this at first and it was crap but I did make some friends to chat to after a while.

imagen · 13/09/2022 11:49

Needmorelego · 13/09/2022 09:47

Also I found sometimes talking to the children helps break the ice.
Say a cheery good morning to a fellow parent but if you don't get much conversation out of them then chat to the children - "ooh I like your coat that's a lovely colour" or "wow did you collect that conker on your way to school" and then sometimes the adult conversation starts up. The other parents might be just as nervous and shy and are talking to each other because they happened to attend the same Stay and Play group - not because they are specifically friends.

This is good advice @Needmorelego

LindseyHoyleSpeaks · 13/09/2022 11:53

Don’t worry about it. One of mine is year six. I have three school mums I would consider actual friends. One has a DC the same age as my year 6, a second a DC the same age as my youngest and the third 3 DC of the same ages as mine. The rest are acquaintances, we might share lifts or whatever but they’re not friends. I have friends already!

Mumofthreeandme · 13/09/2022 16:44

Bless you OP, I do think it's luck. My eldest is Y2, I've got one proper "friend" from his class who I have met up with for coffee, and the others I would say are just parents I say hi to on the school runs. Parties are fine, the majority chat and mingle. There is a clique of mums with older kids in the same classes though and it's fairly obvious they're not interested in new friends!

My middle has just started though and so far it's a much friendlier group, people much easier to chat to, there don't seem to be huge numbers who know each other already. It's early days but I'm hoping it'll be a more sociable/friendly group!

Basically it's all luck, it's not personal at all (I hope).

SamPoodle123 · 13/09/2022 18:55

I prefer my friends I made outside of my kids school. But I have been friendly with some moms, meeting for drinks or coffee.