School mums

[plinkyplonk18]

I don't know what I'm looking for from this, maybe just similar experiences. My daughter started school last week and I'm just finding it hard to think I will ever make any school mum friends. They either all seem to know each other or don't look interested in making friends. I have tried smiling and asking about their children but get little back or they just turn and talk to their friends. I know it's early days but it's not what I thought school life would be like and it's making me sad.

I hope things improve for you soon, OP. 🤞 I'm sure by Halfterm you'll be feeling a lot more included!

My children are young adults now, but generally I found the school gates a pretty friendly place. Something I've been hurt by though, is throughout the years of school gate chats, sharing lifts to kids' parties, catching up over coffee while they played etc, I felt actual friendships were formed. However, once the children moved on to secondary school it's as if those years hadn't happened!

Two mums who I felt particularly close to, seemed to cut me off once the children went to different secondary schools. I messaged them about meeting up, and was met with such vague replies, or no replies at all, I had to give up in the end. 🙁

I wondered if they'd been 'using' me all those years, one in particular used to regularly ask me for school-run help when working late, after-school childcare etc. I helped when I could, I considered her a friend. For her to cut me off so brutally, really hurt. I have plenty of acquaintances from the 'school gate' years, and we still stop and chat in town regularly. 🙂 These two though, I feel they only befriended me so they had someone to help them out, and that hurts. The School Gate can be a strange place at times!

These two don't know each other btw, one of them I knew through my oldest child at school, and the other through my youngest!

Good grief, you've only been taking her for a week!

Friendships develop over time.
Most people are there to drop or pick up their dc, not to make friends.
People you see chatting away to someone else, will have known them from before school started.
Don't over think this - relationships develop over time, after you've been to a few parties or collected from friends house a few times. They are not instant when 60 parents stand in a playground for 5 mins a day.

It takes time so maintain an openness and friendliness - don't immediately assume everyone is already friends. In week 1 they probably will talk to the people they already know but that doesn't mean they don't like you. Don't be too keen or retreat entirely- tell yourself that you're a friendly person who wants to pass the time / make some friends and that's a good thing. And remember you don't need their approval- they'll be some people you don't warm to and that's ok too. Resist the temptation to think it's about gaining acceptance- it's about you choosing nice people to befriend too.

You'll get to know the other parents at birthday parties and see who you click with.

When my kids move school (Y2 and Y4) I was grateful that their school years had a casual drop in coffee mornings at a local cafe. From 8.30-9.30 we would meet up. Early enough for those that worked for a quick coffee and chat, and there was no obligation to come at all - most weeks there were about 6-8, on occasion as many as 12. My other year group there were fewer, but a core of 4 and sometimes 6/7. The latter I still meet with even though the kids left school two years ago!
You might suggest this? Is there a WhatsApp group?
My daughter's current school (she joined for sixth form) they do a termly coffee morning. That's not frequent enough to make any meaningful connection, and while I had planned on doing some volunteer work to meet fellow parents, I really didn't find anyone at the few things I have gone too that I'd want to get to know better.

This is very strange. It’s about your child going to school. I don’t get what you expect in the first week. Everyone is pre occupied with their own child and their own life.

I have found some parents at my childrens school get weird and clingy and obsessed with being friends. Its off putting.

@Mol1628 for me personally it wasn't so much about making 'mum' friends it was about being a part of the school community - the community that's obviously a major part of a child's life. You say people are "pre occupied with their own life" but school is such a big part of your life when you have children there.

@Needmorelego that’s a good point. I’m sure for most that happens over time.

Im probably being a hypocrite as I do have ‘mum’ friends now and I am on a friendly basis with the school staff etc but it happened naturally over time I wasn’t really trying. Just happens when it’s somewhere you go every day over the months/years.

The only piece of advice I would give is to get to pick up and drop off 10 minutes early, then you have the time to actually chat.

Parties and play dates will make a difference but I think sometimes it also depends on the make up of the class. In my ds’s class there were a lot of firstborn children, so the parents didn’t have many other parent friends and were up for socialising. DD’s class had lots of second and third children in it, and the parents in that class already had friends.

@Mol1628 yes it took me until my daughter was in Year 2 before friendships etc had more properly evolved (and she started in nursery).

School mums are mad. Batshit. I made the mistake of trying to make friends when they started.. 2 years later I keep my head down at pick up. Don't make eye contact. And the WhatsApp group... Christ alive! BATSHIT

@RobertJohnsonsShoes well I hope I didn't seem 'batshit' to my fellow school parents.
I am just a person. I am just me.
What do you actually mean by 'batshit' out of curiosity.

Birthday parties! That's where I started to talk to other parents.

Oh don't worry - you'll soon be spending every weekend with these mums at birthday parties and play dates. Just takes a bit of time.

Like everyone has said wait for the parties - reception year is normally whole class parties. Your child will tend to get a few friends who you will then naturally get to know the parents.

Seems a rather sweeping statement 😂

When I'm dropping off and picking up I'm there to drop off and pick up my children, not to chat and make friends. In the morning I need to get to work, and in the afternoon there's usually an after school activity that I need to get to. I'm pleasant and polite to anyone who talks to me but I can't hang around and chat.

You will naturally interact with parents more when there are things like whole class birthday parties, parent meetings at school, bake sales, PTA activities etc etc. If there are class social media groups (Whatsapp, facebook groups etc) then make sure you're on all of those too.

@Needmorelego full on verbal arguments in the playground. Birthday parties that felt more like a hostage situation. Threats if you don't volunteer for the PTA events. Full on batshittery that is normal folk have no time for. One mum tried to recruit me to a group she'd joined which they were prepping for the end of the world in a year. Nope nope nope nope.

Er ok @RobertJohnsonsShoes that does sound batshit.
Thankfully I never came across anyone like that during my time.

@Needmorelego I get the teacher alcohol at the end of the year. She chuffing deserves it.