Best way to deal with competitive mums?

[mamatothreebunnies]

Hope this isn’t the wrong place for the thread. Just need advice on how to deal with mums who have to constantly compare what their child is doing compared to yours, how many languages they can speak compared to yours, how strong they are and how good they are at sport. It sounds made up but this one particular mum is nothing like I’ve ever seen before and I’m struggling to just continue smiling and saying “oh that’s great”. Our kids are very good friends (7year olds) so it’s not possible to not interact with her etc. why do mums do this?

I’d say it’s elbow of two things:

1. She either genuinely believes her daughter is better than everyone else and wants to show off about it.
2. She is actually a bit insecure and wants reassurances that her daughter is on track and is a bit heavy handed about trying to find out.

I’ve almost certainly been number 2 on occasion, when mentioning homework (genuine questions about it and not realising that the class had differentiated homework) but this is very different to constantly bringing it up!

You must be very proud. (Classic).

Try to get her off the subject of her child. Ask her about herself (rather than her child).

Make up some hobby or strand of brilliance your dd is good at.
I'd quite enjoy that I think.

Boast about yourself and your achievements. Again, not your child.

Avoid socialising as much as possible with people that do this. If you can’t avoid them, make sure you just don’t discuss or return conversation. Just say that’s nice glad she’s enjoying that. Don’t get into comparisons.

Just say that's great and get onto another topic of conversation.

I have a competitive mum friend but I know she's not coping underneath. Not sure what to do about it. The competitiveness I think is to reassure herself that she's at least getting something right.

I would just be honest and say you know what, when I was pregnant all I wanted was a healthy and happy baby. That's all I want now as well. I don't want to pitch mine against anyone else. If they are happy and healthy then I'm happy. It's not a competition.

Nightmare. I reckon this person likely bases their self worth on their children's achievements and possibly lacks the emotional intelligence to navigate a conversation or to read a room. I am betting that their parent/s probably made them feel like they were only worthy when they were excelling at something and the pattern is likely being repeated.

If I'm right in my assessment then I assume what she is trying to achieve by telling you about her child's successes is that sense of self worth - so she will get off on positive responses. So I would probably just find subtle ways of ensuring that I didn't give a positive response without being too rude. I might say things like 'that must be exhausting' or 'you must be so busy with all these extra curricular activities'. Or you could try to shut the conversation down in creative ways. E.g if she's saying how good they are at sport ...you could just reply.. 'talking of sport, did you see Wimbledon? Also, always take the high road when talking about your child. Don't ever compare and if you compliment them try to make it personality rather than achievement-based. Never give her the validation she wants and hopefully she will eventually get the idea that it's not worth going there with you.

Might be worth a try but I realise all this is easier said than done. Some people are completely tone deaf and nothing will work! I've been in the presence of these people and I tend to just retreat 😬.

Is there a language they haven't learnt yet? Could you learn it and insist that you can only speak this language moving forward? 🤣

ugghhhhh women like this are just so boring and must have such empty, dull lives with nothing to think about other than their children achieving.
FWIW my wonderful mum was really hands off - never supervised homework (I did that at grans before she got home) didn’t care where I came at sports day as long as I had fun, and never asked where I was in the class at maths, writing etc. Many of the other mothers were! Yet I was the kid who finished with the 10 A*s at GCSE and went on to get a first class degree and postgrad. Point of this anecdote - I loved learning as I wasn’t stressed. So ignore these silly boring women - they aren’t doing their kids any favours!

Throw them in the river and see if they float?

Oh I know one of these

The type that put on a fake accent and say 'Our Leo was pony trotting on Saturday after brunch' 😂

Can't be doing with it.

You will have to up the ante-tell them little jonny has taken up amatuer dry cleaning or some such-that should shut them up (for a bit)

@Mariposista you likely got As not because of your mothers hands off parenting but because that's the kind of student you were. You may have been a bit more stressed if she was different but I bet you'd still have earned top marks.
Those parents of several children will say one was a swot, one lazy as, one who was a good all rounder, one who had to work their ass off to get middling results.
Those parents who excessively boast about their kids are looking for validation that they are doing a good job, and it is not good to see some kids pushed to be in a top set that they cannot really cope with, but in the end they find their level. Sure there's the odd kid who is so pressured that they either rebel or break down, but even then in many cases much of the pressure is self imposed.
In one sense it's nice a parent is proud of their child's achievements when so many threads here are about how their kids are failing.
All you can do is remove yourself - at age seven surely you just drop off for play dates? You just have to minimise contact in other situations.

I know two of these, being around them is absolutely exhausting. One of them has the same number of children as I do, only a year younger, and they have all taken up the same relatively niche hobbies as mine, what are the odds. The endless passive aggressive comments, the comparing, and competing is killing me.

The other one is at school with one of mine and in addition to all of the above, she is also actively detracting from any small achievements of DC - even when her own DC is not even part of the event in question - by telling me that while she is of course on my side 🙄 other parents have complained that it’s unfair how my DC was picked for the team or whatever. She is constantly making vague allusions to various things and after nearly four years I’ve (almost) learnt not to take the bait.

I’ve tried everything: changing the subject, only responding along the lines of ‘you must be so proud’. I NEVER share anything about what my DC achieve, or do, unless it’s in school and can’t be avoided. Nothing really works.

The only thing which truly works is to AVOID these kinds of people as far as possible.

following this with interest, hopefully someone will have a solution!

When mine were little it was the mums who could not help telling you how far ahead of yours their child was in the reading scheme that used to make me wonder - why they felt the need to tell you this?
Avoid. Let them find someone else to boast to.

Yes sadly they're everywhere! And ime they are incorrigible, so the only options are to avoid them or tune them out. Most of the time they sound so silly that everyone else just laughs about it.

The best way to deal with this is to give them no information about how your own child is doing. They carnt compare if they have no information 😆

Oooh I have two friends like this. I think with one of them she is massively competitive herself - sporty and a former lawyer - but she has given up her own life so loved through her children’s achievement. I look forward to the day when she realises they are distinctly average and ordinary like most of our children.
The second friend had very pushy parents herself and I think it trickled down and it is the only way she knows to parent. Problem is only one of her children gets all the lauding the other poor sod gets left out of all boasty Facebook posts. I have had to unfollow her as it is honestly so embarrassing.

Yes, I wanted to touch on this too. My parents were very hands off and I didn't get As even though I was predicted them. They didn't give a damn how well I did or what my future would be like because it didn't directly affect them. They didn't care if I didn't do my homework, when I skived off school or even when I dropped out of college. I don't think hands off parenting is a good thing and if a student does well without support and encouragement from their parents then they're lucky that they didn't need it. As a result, I'm the opposite with my kids and try to give them the support I wish I had.

How much do you like these people otherwise? If you do like them, it might be more polite to be direct. “Let’s not do comparisons because it often ends up being a bit sour (say)”. There’s no need to make up fancy achievements or play other games, just be friendly and matter of fact.

Maybe they are just trying to make conversation?

Can you not just (gently) say “I’ve noticed you compare your child’s achievements to mine a lot and this makes me a bit uncomfortable for xxx reasons” (for me it would be that it’s not a way I’m interested in thinking about my child)

I think a lot of the time in our culture we try and think of any solution to a problem other than the most obvious - addressing it head on! I know it’s socially stressful but in the long term most effective, in my experience.

A friend does this mostly aimed at me I don’t know why. I certainly don’t boast about mine. Her teens both still bashing away at instruments grade 9 etc whilst mine gave up years ago. You win! Now she’s worried sick as hers socially isolated one of mine average friendly teen with nice mates the other is a turbo charged super popular type. This kills my friend.

Distance. Just avoid her at all costs.

I have one like this, her dc are just the best at everything but she'll take it a extra step and add 'but your dc can't do that can they?'. When the 'that's nice' stopped working and I found myself getting annoyed about it I started avoiding her, tactical pick up arrival to minimise any chance of conversation, the occasional fake phone call... while quietly knowing my dc is genuinely very smart and a good person and that's all that matters.

Well I have a friend on the spectrum who dealt with this very effectively. First she would turn heel and scurry in the opposite direction when the mother in question approached. Then when asked if there was a problem said outright with no apology that she didn't enjoy the conversations as she found people boasting about their children boring and it became insufferable when it escalated to attempted adverse comparisons with her own children, so better just not to speak.

Admire the honesty! Also Anecdotally any parent of small children that voices to other parents that their child is bright is themselves quite thick. I have always observed this to be true. Clever parents of clever kids don’t speak of it unless asked.

Dd was always clever ahead etc I never mentioned it my lovely friends did one said to another after bemoaning their own less studious kids “it’s our own fault for marrying estate agents” they are fab friends 😀