Being the poor family in a school in an affluent area

[SaschaHendrick]

My son is due to start recpetion in September. He hasnt been given a place at ant of our top choice schools and has been assigned to a school that I really dont want him to attend so I have been looking at alternatives. We have a school just outside of our catchment area that I love and we have been told that they have space for my son from September which is great. But I am having doubts regarding the area as it is quite an affluent area and our household income is below average and I am worried that my son my feel left out by not having all of the toys and holidays the other kids have or maybe even the other kids making fun of him for being poor.

Another point that I have doubts about is that the majority of the school kids seem to have parents from the local area where as I am an immigrant althoygh my son was born here and has citizenship. Im worried that this could be another factor that makes him an outsider in the school.

Does anyone have any experience of being the poor family in an affulent area and can reassure me that its not that big of a problem?

Our school is in a rural beauty spot area and we have a lot from affluent families, a lot from farming families and then those like us who are just poor. The mix is great and fine!!

If it's a state school it will be pretty mixed even in an affluent area

Im the poor single parent in an affluent yummy mummy school. Its hard. Embarrassing at times and im absolutely exluded as i cant afford the activities/social invites
So much so that after a couple of years we weren't invited anymore. My kids get a holiday camping whilst their friends have holiday homes. They wonder why we dont. They also laugh at my car which i suspect stands out like a sore thumb. Also, attending a school in an affluent area means nothing is subsidised and there are no such thing as 'voluntary contributions' everything is ££. Other schools my friends children go to get lots of extra stuff... breakfast club music lessons etc free or subsidised.. never happens in our school

Im definitely worried about being excluded from activites outside of school which could lead to my son losing out on chances to form solid friendships. Im hoping that as we will be living outside of catchment area he will be able to make local friends outside of school by doing clubs close to where we live where he would be mixing with kids from a wider variety of households and more in our income bracket.

Sending a big hug. You sound like such a lovely and supportive and thoughtful mum x

If you have been offered a place at the school from the waiting list, which is what I am assuming has happened then you need to make your mind up quickly and either accept it immediately or stick with the offer you already have. They will not keep the offer open until September.

There is no waiting list as the school is under subscribed for reception admission so there is no other family waiting in the wings for me to reject the place but equally the space is not reserved for me until I confirm I want it. They have 2 spare olaces for reception that will be given on a first come first served basis. I am hoping to make a decision within a week which is why I posted here as I was looking for some quick feedback. But what Ive heard so far hasnt been partucularly positive and im leaning towards rejecting the place and keeping him on the waiting list for tye schools in our catchment area that were our preferred choices and hoping a space cones up before september.

Usually great schools in affluent areas would be oversubscribed. Maybe this school isn’t as good as you think!

We are a normal income family in a very affluent area and our dcs are at the local very popular and over subscribed school. I have not found it a problem really, the parents are generally lovely although tend to be either very involved sahms or full time nannies. The only thing I stress about it having play dates. I love our house but it's a very normal, 3 bed with a small garden. Most houses here are 1m+ and I do worry I'm being judged. Realise that's my problem though!

I wouldn't worry about it, affluent parents generally want a good education for their kids so push the school. Our son is growing up in a modest 5 bedroom detached on a private estate, he has friends with much bigger houses and friends living on the local council estate. Letters are often phrased as the cost of the trip is X in reality it is a voluntary contribution and the trip is unlikely to get cancelled if one or two don't pay as everyone else has paid!

I don't find parents at our schools judge at all everyone chooses how to live their lives some parents drop cash on cars and holidays other have thousands in the bank they are saving whilst driving a 10 year old ford.

Only thing cost wise I would consider is at our school everyone wears the full branded uniform (except the white polos with the school badge).

I would consider it an advantage as the kids are likely to be pushed to chase high paying jobs so your son is likely to see going to uni and getting a well paying job as normal. That's something one of the school near us doesn't offer as many don't go onto college never mind uni.

Kids don't notice as much as you'd think.
DS goes to a secondary school in "affluent area"
our PTA funds Xmas presents for a few pupils who would literally get nothing.

This happens every year. I don't even know how many families or how many kids.
They are there & yet my DC haven't mentioned noticing such very poor kids, either.

I had my eldest DD when I was 17. I drove her to a top independent prep (paid for by granny and grandad) in a battered ford fiesta. She had a great time. I was always friendly and chatty with mums and I got invited to things. Some I declined because I couldn't afford them, others were at people's houses...one family owned a small chain of hotels and the kids birthdays involved champagne and afternoon tea by the Thames at the hotel! My daughter's parties were in church halls or soft play. People came, the kids loved it. Now we are comfortable high earners with younger kids in a diverse area and I couldn't tell you where everyone else goes on holiday.

Obviously it depends on the tone of the school but if you like the school then go for it.

I was the poor child in a very affluent school.

Downsides were that the extra-curricular stuff was very expensive so I couldn't attend with my school friends which did leave me slightly excluded.

I felt shame about my parents car and house which, whilst both owned outright and fairly normal, were old and modest compared with my friend's parents. Also embarrassed at the very simple holidays my family took. I know I sound spoilt but I was completely unaware of what real poverty and depravation were. I think at that age it is natural to compare yourself to your peers.

The plus side was that it was simply not an option to not push yourself to achieve excellent grades. It was assumed everyone would do well, go on to further education and have meaningful and successful careers. It really opened my eyes to what is possible but also how much work you had to put in to develop a career.

Overall I am glad my parents sent me there and I attribute my successes to that environment.

Not all kids notice. A few certainly do and it only takes this handful to make life a misery. Speaking from experience and still feeling the effects years later.

I went to a primary school in a very affluent area. I was conscious that my family were poorer- and I have a vivid memory of being teased because we only had one holiday (to America!).

the thing though that really sticks with me is how conscious my mum was about it. She kept talking about people with fancy houses and fancy cars. She clearly felt inferior to these people and that feeling has stayed with me.

hold your head up high - don’t feel inferior or let your son think there is any reason to be embarrassed or ashamed.

Yes - my mum was determined I shouldn't go to the school on the council estate we lived on and which she had gone to. She moved hell and high water to get me into the school across town. Funnily enough although we were poorer than the other children at the school, on benefits in fact, I was perceived as being posher, perhaps because I read a lot and had a good vocabulary and didn't say ain't!

I was aware that the other kids had foreign holidays, cars that didn't break down all the time etc but I never really was affected by that. Somehow, without really saying anything, my mum managed to make me feel that anything we did was good and classy and anything other people did that we couldn't afford was vulgar. Disneyland? Common. Loads of presents at Christmas? Vulgar.

I mean that isn't the best approach, kind of reverse snob, but I certainly had a sense of almost superiority when I could have felt envious and worse off!

I went on to grammar school where families were even more affluent and then Oxbridge, even more so.

Many affluent parents don't need status symbols so their children don't often have obvious expensive items. At the affluent school near us, there are no obvious expensive labels. Almost every pupil has a plain black school bag.

I was that child and my children are that children

it was a bigger issue for my mum than me as a child and now as an adult with mine, it’s more of an issue for me then them!!

it’s not easy and I now get my mums massive chip on her shoulder! Kids friends have pools, hot tubs. Endless trips out. I can’t reciprocate. And school ask a lot, non uniform days, bake sales etc. But you can only do what you can do. Benefits, most are lovely families, who are sensitive to the issue. The kids get a pool to play in and are invited on trips I could never take them.

As a typical Londoner, we lived in an area where the houses were expensive but some were social housing or converted to flats. This meant a mix of low and high income families and children and parents happily mixed outside of school.

So a school that you don’t want him to go to or a school that you love?
You are worried about them judging you and your child but you are judging the parents and children before you’ve met them.

I can see your point.

DD grew up with me as a single parent for ten years odd. The primary she attended and the secondary are in areas of multiple economic deprivation (affecting transport opportunties etc. you can google what this means there is a government index) however the primary she went to was very inclusive - and I didn't stand out on a low income as many were single parents etc which was helpful. Yes, we have battled stigma over the years and indeed prejudice at times - on the basis of difference. There comes a point though where you just have to learn to rise above it.

The primary school became one of the best in the country - as they focussed on ability and education and not socio economic status. Teachers travelled long distances to teach there - as the management was good and I guess a very rewarding experience as a teacher to make a difference. I was a parent governor of the school at this time.

You say you have a three bed house and a garden. Would have loved a garden especially in pandemic and lockdowns. I home schooled for eleven months and now at sixth form doing that effectively part time again - due to recruitment crisis of teachers etc.

DD is on track now to go to top universities and is an A star student. However I am not a pushy parent and would have been fine with her getting a job or apprenticeship or other opportunity if she had wanted to.

A lot depends on family attitude and parental engagement. There was a rocky start to her secondary school where she got bullied and I think going in there to voice my views was the hardest thing I've ever done - but the head resigned and we got a new one. Ofsted isn't everything.

It's really interesting as I work in a secondary school in a deprived area, where many of our pupils are on free school meals. It's these pupils that are knocking around in £600 Canada goose coats, balenciaga trainers (probably fake but who knows!?), and whose parents turn up at the school gates with the brand new car! In state schools you do have people from all walks of life no matter what the area is like, and each family will have different priorities of what they spend their money on.
Chances are if the school is under subscribed then there may be other families from outside of the affluent area with a background similar to yours.

Also, sure many would confirm there are many advantages to being close to the school i.e. walking to it? Not being so tied to being there for the school run?

I was in this situation OP. Single mum, below average earning (at the time) and my DS (now adult) went to the local primary in an affluent area. The experience I had was less about 'things' and more about the social element. Once my son had been to one of his friends' big houses he never wanted to bring any of them home to our modest 2 bed flat. To this day I can count on one hand how many of his friends he has ever brought home. It makes me a little sad that he felt that way.

I was that kid.
I was left out of conversations because I had never been abroad.
I got teased about the brand of my shoes and the fact my hair was frizzy.
It's left me with a lifelong anxiety problem. I don't know if the kids would have found other reasons, that school was vicious, and their bullying policy was lip service for Ofsted.
That was one school. Another school in another affluent area, we were living in a caravan and the other kids couldn't have cared less. I was ashamed and scared because of my previous experience but when I told my friends they were like, "so what?"
It depends on the school and what the attendees really are like, and the culture of the school. If they're graciously affluent, you'll be fine IME, because they've got nothing to prove by pushing others down. If they're people who think they're better than people on minimum wage because they can afford to have new Nike trainers every September, then you might struggle.
One thing I will say is I got bullied a lot more than the kids from other ethnicities.