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Primary education

Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

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Original poster

I feel so awful, I have taken my son in to school weeping

27 replies

milou2 · 10/01/2008 09:36

as he has earache, it started on Monday. He has had Tues and Wed off and I took him to a lovely respectful and kind nurse yesterday who confirmed that his ear is swollen and must be pretty sore.

My problem is that he is so unhappy with the school and has a lot of time off sick, one of the worst in the school. I feel forced to somehow make sure he isn't off so often, but I feel bullied to do this and so have bullied my lovely DS2 to go in.

I am trying to find a new school for him, I do truly want to listen to him and take his feelings seriously, particulaly since it has taken me so long, years, to start to stand up for myself and my children against mil and my husband. So he has been waiting years for me to not only listen but also to act for him.

The bleeping head is such a manipulating, nasty man, even when I said on Monday confidently and calmly that we were actively looking for a new school for ds2 adn gave the reason that he was unhappy and has been deeply unhappy for literally years now..he said but he can't be unhappy this is such a happy caring school, or words to that effect....ie I am a liar and was in some way dreaming it when DS2 says night after night please home educate me, I just don't want to go back there. He used to say please kill me, I want to die etc, Also 3 times? had small burns on his arm which he couldn't explain.

The class teacher is fantastic, gentle, kind, honest, the best, but there is something wrong at the heart of the school for my son. Lots of other children thrive there and DS1 was adamant he wanted to stay there even when we found private prep school places for them both. So I followed ds1's deep wishes and he was happy there.

But ds2 is a different person and thank god has expressed his feeling again and again and has not given up.

Until a few days ago he had only ever told me how he felt, but has now managed to say a bit to his father. Shows how very uncaring and difficult his dad is, that he doesn't feel safe to share his fears with him.

Thanks for listening.

OP posts:

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Notquitegrownup · 10/01/2008 09:40

Couldn't ignore your post. So for your ds. Well done for looking for ways to get him out of there.

I don't know whether you believe in prayer, but I will say a big prayer for him today too.

Jackstini · 10/01/2008 09:41

Don't feel bad milou - you are doing the best possible for your son in what sounds like a difficult situation.
Have you considered home educating? There are quite a few threads on it here if you want further info

Original poster

milou2 · 10/01/2008 09:45

Thankyou

OP posts:

AngharadGoldenhand · 10/01/2008 09:45

Have you got antibiotics for the ear pain? Dd suffers from this and can be in a lot of pain.

If ds2 is not happy at the school, I think you're doing the right thing in moving him. It may be a good school for ds1 but a 'bad fit' for ds2.

Flllightattendant · 10/01/2008 09:49

Have you considered taking him home until you have found him somewhere he is Ok? I think it is crucial to listen to your instincts, you won't regret it but you might regret this broken hearted feeling you are having now.

He is unhappy, you are unhappy, bring him home and go from there. It won't be forever

cornsilk · 10/01/2008 09:52

for your ds and your situation. It's a shame the head won't take your concerns seriously. If he's been to the doctors can't you get a note to confirm his illness and send it into school?

Original poster

milou2 · 10/01/2008 09:54

I'll go downstairs now and make gp appointment for him as he has had costocharditis, a pain in the cartiledge between the front ribs and the breastbone, on and off since March 2007. Practically every night it's sore and he needs a hot water bottle and distraction like a video and me sitting with him so he can go to sleep.

I'll also make a couple of a calls to the local school I visited on Tues and to the other local school to fix a visit.

May as well phone EO while I'm at it and join.

I'll come back on here a bit later this morning.

OP posts:

Fireflyfairy2 · 10/01/2008 09:55

Are you and his dad together?

flamingtoaster · 10/01/2008 09:56

If it was me I would Home Educate him until you get him a place at a school where he is happy. I Home Educated my daughter for the last part of Year Six prior to her going to Grammar School as she was very bored and unhappy. There is no problem with Home Educating short term - you just tell the LEA and the school of the date on which Home Education is starting (in the case of your school I would hand deliver the letter on the day you are starting so there is no comeback on DS2). Childhood is too precious to be wasted in unhappiness. No school should make you feel pressurized to sending a sick child in. Hope you can find a solution to make DS2 happier soon.

berolina · 10/01/2008 09:56

poor little boy. He must be so frightened, and now with his ear hurting too. Can you pick him up at lunchtime?

dividedselfridgesxmaswindow · 10/01/2008 09:59

Milou - if you can HE, if you can at all then do it because you won't regret it. I wish my mum had moved me from my school. I still suffer now following the bullying by teachers nd children there. I HE-ed my dc but had to stop when I became a single parent - sadly.

crokky · 10/01/2008 10:00

Why don't you put DS2 into the private prep school that you had initially found for DS1 and DS2, but leave DS1 in the current school if that is what he wants. [I do not have school age DC so I don't know how difficult that is!]

notjustmom · 10/01/2008 10:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

juuule · 10/01/2008 10:19

I really don't understand why you have put him in school with an ear infection, especially if it is hurting him. Go and collect him at lunch time if the school haven't phoned you to pick him up before then. Ear infections can make some children feel quite ill aswell as being painful.
I also agree with others who have said to bring him out of school completely until you find one that he would be happier at.

aintnomountainhighenough · 10/01/2008 11:35

I am sad to hear about how unhappy your little boy is. Just wanted to add some support and say that I agree with other posters - take him out of there. Also (you probably have) but get him to the doctors about his ear. Earache is terrible and he may need some antibiotics to help.

Good luck.

iMum · 10/01/2008 11:37

Bring him home, sod the school-if he doesnt want to go back dont take him, sit with him and listen be with him and support him-then maybe he will feel strong enough to go back?

needmorecoffee · 10/01/2008 11:39

please home educate him. poor little lad.

ComeOVeneer · 10/01/2008 11:44

Why did you take him to school with an ear infection, I suffered a lot as a child with my ears and can remember the agony still. Did you feel pressured to take him because he has already had a lot of time off?

Flllightattendant · 10/01/2008 16:27

I think the OP has possibly mentioned having had problems standing up for herself in the past - it is very common to feel that school is an authority not to be messed with, and it may feel very difficult for her to be assertive i this situation and stand up for the little boy she obviously loves to bits.

My mum was afraid of standing up to the school when I was being bullied by a teacher, and it traumatised me rather a lot.
Please, Milou, get angry with the damn school - you don't have to send your baby there, they get funding for him so of course they want as many kids as possible.

You don't have to send him anywhere. he sounds like he REALLY needs you at the moment. Why the heck shouldn't you listen and do what he needs you to do? Don't let fear stop you x

critterjitter · 10/01/2008 20:42

It sounds like the Head is doing a bit of PR on you. He probably thinks that if he acknowledges that there is a problem in his school, it will become a problem. But don't be bullied by this Head into believing that everything is OK. You know your son better than the Head (who probably only sees him in corridors every other day). When he comes out with all the "This is such a happy school" stuff, you need to reply along the lines of: "Well I'm glad to hear it, but unfortunately that hasn't been my son's experience."

And I know what you mean about there being something wrong at the heart of a school. Its difficult to put your finger on sometimes, but you can sometimes just sense that something is amiss.

As others have suggested, I would home educate him for a while too, if you are able to afford this option (ie not working).

Anything relating to ears is going to be incredibly painful. I had an ear infection a couple of months ago and the pain was absolutely unbearable. I couldn't think straight or function. Bang your GP's door down for antibiotics asap. And then take on the Head!

CowsGoMoo · 10/01/2008 22:55

Big Hugs for your little man (((DS2))). I am soo sorry to hear about your ds. I strongly agree with what the pp have said. Get him straight round to your doctors and get him a course of antibiotics for his ear. Earache can be incredibly painful and cannot be helping how he is feeling at the moment.

Then, I would seriously consider looking at home educating him or at least removing him from his present school ASAP. Is the chance of him attending the Private prep school still an option? Have you spoken to your LEA regarding the school and moving him to a new one.

I can fully understand where you are coming from in feeling bullied to make him attend and not feeling as though you can stand up to the head of his school, but I'm afraid that for the best outcome for the both of you, it is going to be something you are going to have to do.

My son was bullied at his old school and we finally moved him out in December. He is now in a fantastic prep school and in the past week has enthused about school, coming out of school at the end of the day having had super lessons, its made me realise that for over a year my son was suffering terribly and I hadn't really noticed that the lively, funny, happy go lucky boy I had, had disappeared under this cloak of bullying. It is so refreshing to see him back now. I had fought with his old school since Sept 06 and I found it terrifying to go to the heads office (normally on my own as DH was at work) and to fight my sons corner, I am a very shy, quiet person.

I really hope that you can sort something out for your ds.

hugs to you x

Original poster

milou2 · 12/01/2008 14:56

Thanks you are all so kind.

Notquitegrownup It means so much to know that you were helping my 10yr old on Thursday with your thoughts and prayers.

I have joined Education Otherwise; fixed a visit to the 2nd local primary I like the sound of; given more info about DS2 to the head of the 1st primary I visited earlier in the week.

Flllightattendant That's helpful knowing that you felt traumatised when you realised your mother couldn't stand up for you. That's sort of what I feel, that if I don't stand up for DS2, no one else will either. So the sooner he sees me being effective and firm on his behalf the better.

OP posts:

Notquitegrownup · 14/01/2008 09:20

You are welcome, Milou. It sounds as if you have taken some really good steps this week towards improving the situation too. I get really and reading about teachers who can't or won't listen to their pupils, or who put their school goals ahead of caring for the kids they should be looking after. I'm glad that your ds won't have to put up with that much longer.

SSSandy2 · 14/01/2008 09:26

Milou, don't send him in there if he is the least bit sick, don't send him there AT ALL if you can avoid it. I think that idea of home educating short-term until you find a school is a very good one. Every day he spends unhappy at that school is one day too many.

I mean burn marks on his arm, WTF?!

Really, don't think twice about keeping him off. I wouldn't

ahundredtimes · 14/01/2008 09:49

What is the problem with the school? What does his teacher say about him when he's at school? Do you think your ds would just rather be at home - having been on and off school due to illness?

Do you mean your son came back from school with burn marks which he couldn't account for? Did you ask anyone at the school about them?

Do you think perhaps he just doesn't like school, rather than this school in particular?

I think you see it all in a very gloomy and sinister way. Why? What's up? Have you spoken to his father about it - are you able to talk to him about it?

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