Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Primary education

Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Taking child out of private into state primary - what do I tell her?

39 replies

whatatanker · 24/03/2022 17:37

Unfortunately due to financial issues, we've got to move my daughter from a really really good independent prep into our local primary. Our local state primary is very good, but it will be a huge change for her in terms of friendships, class sizes, academic and sporting facilities etc.

So, when and how do I tell her? Should I just be honest and say that we can't afford her school fees any more? Will this be damaging for her in later years if we say that? Or do I make up something like 'this school is closer' to protect her from the finances, which she might struggle to comprehend at this age. (She's Year One)

Also, when is the best time to tell her - I'm thinking just a couple of weeks before the end of the summer term (she's moving in September).

Any thoughts would be really welcome.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

FiloPasty · 24/03/2022 17:39

Can you get some contact with the class she will be moving into and arrange some play dates? Then once she feels like she has some friends then tell her that you’re moving because it’s closer etc.
I don’t think you should say about the money issues because it could burden her.

Changethetoner · 24/03/2022 17:40

Don't mention the cost factor. She's so young, it's not fair to put adult issues on her.

MuggedByTheSleepThief · 24/03/2022 17:43

I would leave the money side out - not so much as I think it would be scarring, more that, that is what she will then say when asked, which isn’t something that you probably want to go round the playground - better to give her a positive reason she can share such as it’s a really good school, closer etc. just more positive for all to hear really.

Propertyhelpneeded · 24/03/2022 17:43

She’s so young, don’t worry - she’ll be ok. I wouldn’t tell her it’s about money as that might worry her.

Are there any local clubs she can join to meet other children from the school at beforehand?

Can you move her sooner? The sooner the better! Is after Easter a possibility? That way, she still has time to say goodbye to her old school and then she’ll have more time to cement friendships in her new one.

The year 1 children will be sort of like reception children in terms of established friendships as they won’t have been at school much last year - if you see what I mean.

Pinkrose1111 · 24/03/2022 17:43

Is there anyway you can't apply for a bursary at her current private school? Private schools sometimes can do this for parents who can no longer cover the school fees but the children are gifted in some way so want to keep them on.

Wouldyoubabys · 24/03/2022 17:44

Def don’t mention cost - she’s too young. I had to consider this when my son was a similar age, and in my head I had a plan to replicate clubs as much as possible and focus on the positives in his eyes. “You get a lovely new school and it finishes at 3pm so we can go for ice creams after school some times!” (His finished at 5pm) she’s young enough to make the transition, you are doing the right thing

canary1 · 24/03/2022 17:46

She’s so young, you can tell her what you like. Make something up!

Firefliess · 24/03/2022 17:47

I moved DD from one school to another part way through year 3, due to distance mainly. A couple of weeks notice was all we got and it was all she needed really. Enough time to say goodbye. You'll presumably have to give notice to the school earlier though so will need to make sure the teacher is aware if she doesn't yet know. Also a good idea to find out if the class are doing a "meet your new teacher" type thing at any point (last week or so of term is common for these) and see if you can use that day for dd to do a visit to her own new school instead.

titchy · 24/03/2022 17:50

Could you move her before the end of the summer term so she has chance to make a few friends and possibly have some meetups in the holidays? Six weeks is a long time to nervous about a new school...

1Wanda1 · 24/03/2022 17:53

I was in this situation when DD was in year 7. I handled it badly, with retrospect. I thought it would be better for her to have plenty of notice of what was going to happen, so she could adjust to it. So she knew from around the January that she'd leave at the end of the summer term. And that it was because we couldn't afford it.

What happened was that she became incredibly anxious, didn't know what to say to anyone at school, started having panic attacks and eventually, self-harming. I should have just told her in the last week of the summer term so she had the chance to say bye to her friends but would have had to accept it as a done deal.

Also, don't peddle the "you can still stay friends with your old friends". Unless it's a real best friend type relationship, that doesn't happen. They lose the shared currency of their daily lives which is the bedrock of friendship at that age. My DD had lost touch with all of her good friends by the time she'd been at her new school 6 months. Still social media friends but not real friends.

It's hard. The best thing you can do is be very positive about it, never let her know that you also wish she could stay at the "better" school. She has to think of the new school as just as good.

I made such a mess of this. The above is just my advice.

BrokenRecords · 24/03/2022 18:00

I would say your moving because it's what's best for her. You can tell her the money issues when she's 35 and got money issues herself. A new school is a new adventure and lovely new friends to make. I would make it a positive

MrFsAunt · 24/03/2022 18:03

Brace yourself for the Plebs?

Harlequin1088 · 24/03/2022 18:10

@MrFsAunt

Brace yourself for the Plebs?

😂😂😂😂😂

Love this!

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 24/03/2022 18:10

Both my children started at new schools in Yr2 and it was a good age really (alot easier than their moves at 8 years old!)

You need to focus on the positives, like more time to play after school or walking home. Or the playground equipment or a different colour jumper.

FusionChefGeoff · 24/03/2022 18:13

@titchy

Could you move her before the end of the summer term so she has chance to make a few friends and possibly have some meetups in the holidays? Six weeks is a long time to nervous about a new school...

This is a great idea. And yes, just play to the positives of the new school. She'll adapt in no time - surely at that age she's got no idea about paying for school anyway??!

Original poster

whatatanker · 24/03/2022 18:14

Thank you for the advice

@MuggedByTheSleepThief thank you - yes I didn't think about the fact that she will obviously repeat what we tell her! A really good point. We're not ashamed, but, yes, it would be better for her if she sees it as a positive change.

@Propertyhelpneeded I did think about moving her earlier. However, if I moved her now, the current Year One and reception are in together, and I just don't think that's right for her straight away. Also, I'm going to be paying for the summer term's fees, so might as well use it! I think I will at the very least do some taster days in the summer term, or maybe move her for the last two weeks or so.

OP posts:

Neome · 24/03/2022 18:16

One possibility is move after Easter if the new school will let you. Even if there’s a financial cost hopefully you’ll save something and put it towards a whole-class-invited “missing birthday” party in the summer term. Everyone missed birthday parties so it doesn’t matter if it’s nowhere near her real birthday and make it about the guests ie no presents necessary + something everyone will enjoy.

Then you have a chance of play dates in the summer and settling well in September.

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 24/03/2022 18:18

I don't think moving before a holiday helps.... we moved not long before the first Covid lockdown and the friendships hadn't had long enough to cement properly. It can take a term or so.

Neome · 24/03/2022 18:20

If R and Y1 are in together it will be an advantage because more TAs and probably some R kids not yet full time. If she feels unsettled she won’t be the only one and the Y1 will start off by seeing her as just another person starting in a year where half the class has arrived in small groups (probably) by the time they move up they won’t remember she wasn’t there all along.

Plus when they say ‘do you remember Miss Nice or that special toy or outing she’ll have been part of it.

ringoutthebells · 24/03/2022 18:20

@Aroundtheworldin80moves

I don't think moving before a holiday helps.... we moved not long before the first Covid lockdown and the friendships hadn't had long enough to cement properly. It can take a term or so.

I agree, fresh start in September when lots of children are feeling a bit unsure of themselves after the long break is preferable. And I'd keep her busy in the holidays (if she's not needing the down time that is).

bunfighters · 24/03/2022 18:29

Fresh start in Sept but just don't tell her until a week or two before she leaves so there isn't this hideous build up. You can absolutely explain it as a very positive choice for her and cost shouldn't be mentioned. Have a narrative about all the positive things about the new school (bigger class, more friends etc. etc.) so she is actually excited. Through a complicated house move we had to do something similar and my (anxious) child was absolutely fine and in face was really looking forward to the new adventure. It has been a great success.

meditrina · 24/03/2022 18:31

Have you actually got the state school place?

Usually once offered, you have to start within a fortnight or so

Matildatoldsuchdreadfullies · 24/03/2022 18:35

Will she definitely have a place in September? You normally only have a couple of weeks to accept a state school place, and even if there is 27 or 28 in the class now, it is possible it will be filled before the end of the year.

KateTheEighth · 24/03/2022 18:41

Just tell her she's moving to a bigger and better school and she'll make lots of new friends and have a great time

Original poster

whatatanker · 24/03/2022 18:46

@1Wanda1 it sounds like you are being hard on yourself. After all, you were only doing what you thought was best for your child.

I agree with lots of points on here:

Don't tell her until the last couple of weeks
Make it a really positive move
Don't mention anything about money (to the previous poster who asked whether she knows anything about the cost of school, no she doesn't, but I know she will ask why she's moving when we finally do tell her)
Don't promise to keep old friendships (this was my instinct too as their shared common ground will terminate anyway)
Wait until Sept when the concept of a new Year Two will be the same for all the other kids.

@meditrina a good point. I have another child who is (hopefully) starting Reception at the same time in September so the school are going to do my transfer request in June/ July provided that the younger one is successful in getting a place. It's a very small rural village school so I'm really hoping this isn't a problem.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2