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Primary education

Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

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Original poster

Telling not to cry

56 replies

purpleme12 · 16/02/2022 09:12

My child was upset going into school today crying
Managed to speak to teacher
I'm pretty disgusted by her reaction to it to be honest but there were go
Anyway one of the things she said was you shouldn't be crying about this stop crying
This seems really wrong to me
I don't think they should be told they shouldn't be crying
What do you think??

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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Sherrystrull · 16/02/2022 11:58

Talking before school is never a good idea as the children will be trying to settle the whole class in.

Is it an ongoing issue?

Does the teacher have a TA or support staff in the morning?

Ask the teacher to ring at a convenient time to talk about how best to support your daughter moving forward.

Sherrystrull · 16/02/2022 11:58

*teacher

Trisket · 16/02/2022 12:04

In an ideal situation I would not want my child to be told not to cry. But, along with the rest of the population teachers are far from perfect. So I would try to look at the situation in the round. If you are generally happy with class teacher, then I'd let it go this time. However, if this is part of the way teacher generally relates to pupils, or to your child, then I would be taking it further, ie up the management chain.

For the record, my DS's current teacher is generally awesome and a vast improvement on his previous teacher whom it was clear to many parents did not really want to teach. That doesn't mean his current teacher has never put a foot wrong. But I think it best to look at the situation in the round.

DropYourSword · 16/02/2022 12:08

My DS SOBBED tonight over a burst balloon. Went to bed, woke up again and started sobbing again because it was his "favourite" yellow ballooooooooon, sob!

He was having an emotional day. It's just mean to tell a child not to cry. Little kids have their own problems and issues that are big to them even if they are trivial to us. Telling them not to cry doesn't help at all.

Original poster

purpleme12 · 16/02/2022 12:17

I've thought about it and I think the reason I'm not happy is because I think she was very dismissive towards my child about the whole issue
The crying comment and how she reacted to my child this morning
That has what left me thinking about it still
I came to her cos my child was upset and I don't feel she took it seriously

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Original poster

purpleme12 · 16/02/2022 12:20

And in turn dismissed what I was trying to convey as her parent about how she's been feeling

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RachelSq · 16/02/2022 13:13

I’d suggest you book a meeting/call with the teacher to discuss. Drop off and pickup times are always frantic and quite rightly the teacher needs to concentrate on all children there as it’s the point of the day they could easily “get lost”.

If a meeting/call doesn’t help, I’d go to the head then.

I imagine it’s a tricky line to balance on and sometimes a teacher will fall on the wrong side. Both sides need to act like adults and have a chat. If both sides are reasonable I would expect the outcome to be much better than if a parent went in all guns blazing or if the teacher was unreasonably defensive.

Only you will know deep down if it was a simple miscommunication or whether you fundamentally believe that the teacher is not doing their job.

Original poster

purpleme12 · 16/02/2022 16:33

Thank you for the replies and thoughts

@Sherrystrull

Having thought about it yes I think perhaps it wasn't the best time. I was actually going to talk to her later or tomorrow but then my child got upset going into school and I felt iffy shoving her in then....

Sometimes it's hard to know the right thing with things with school....

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Zolla · 16/02/2022 19:51

Tricky one. I’m an ex teacher & im almost certainly guilty of telling a child to not cry. But not bluntly or horribly. More along the lines of getting down to their level, holding a hand & saying kindly that there is no need for all these tears! I taught younger kids, so tears were generally over sharing toys, taking turns or saying goodbye to mummy/daddy! I would always ask when was wrong. If it was Bobby wouldn’t let me go on a bike, I’d say something like, it’s ok to feel cross but there really is no need for tears, come speak to a grown up & we’ll go sort it out. Similarly, saying goodbye to mummy, it’s ok to miss mummy & feel sad but we’ll have lots of a fun in school with your friends. Dry those eyes..

The teacher doesn’t sound great BUT at that moment, she didn’t know all the reasons behind your DD crying. She probably jumped to the conclusion she was just not feeling school today. But it’s a shame she couldn’t have shown more empathy & kindness & encouraged your DD to take some breaths & calm down ..

Original poster

purpleme12 · 16/02/2022 19:55

She did know the reason it was when I was speaking to her about it that my child started crying...

I've been thinking about the whole thing all day not just her telling her not to cry. I don't think she dealt with it right. It's been playing on my mind. My child has had trouble again today I just don't see why she can't move one child so they're not next to each other before half term. Really I think it should have been done before now. I can't see why you wouldn't move one child when there's an issue. I just don't know whether to go to headteacher.

OP posts:

Seenoevil1 · 16/02/2022 19:59

I think it wasn't fair on your child and you are right to raise it. I used to work as a secondary teacher and there were a lot of times when young people were upset. I always respected that, never minimised their feelings and gave them time out & somewhere quiet to sit. She sounds like she reacted harshly, maybe she wasn't thinking straight and panicking about how to deal with it...but everyone's feelings are valid and they need to know they can express them. Adults too - we've all been there at all ages. x

Seenoevil1 · 16/02/2022 20:01

PS Yes I would pursue the seating issue, definitely. xx

Original poster

purpleme12 · 17/02/2022 08:21

She's now refusing to get dressed and go to school

Screaming

I have tried to resolve the situation and it's got to this

She's never refused to go to school and never been in this state before school

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RachelSq · 17/02/2022 08:47

Sorry to hear it.

At this point I’d suggest going in to the school reception and asking (demanding) to speak to someone before your daughter goes into the class. Even if it’s the receptionist/office worker rather than the head, they might have the time to sit and listen and relay a message to the teacher/head and I know the admin staff in my sons school care for all the kids deeply.

Dropping an hysterical child off in the line is very tough to do and isn’t the best option for anyone. There is no way a child should be that upset going in (after perhaps reception kids starting school for the first time) and something needs to be dealt with urgently.

Please don’t read this as me taking the teacher’s side (they absolutely should be listening and acting), but is it possible that your daughter has picked up on your unhappiness about the situation and is therefore ramping up her own reaction? I’ve seen this multiple times with younger kids and mollycoddling parents at drop off basically encouraging their kids to be needy.

Original poster

purpleme12 · 17/02/2022 08:55

I honestly don't think it's that at all
I was encouraging her to go in to start with yesterday even being upset
I don't get into a tizz about friendship issues etc etc
But this is different because she's different

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Original poster

purpleme12 · 17/02/2022 08:58

Managed to get her out the door at 10 to 9 in the end
She's not even bothered about being late which says something as normally she really hates being late to school

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Original poster

purpleme12 · 17/02/2022 09:16

I managed to speak to the headteacher who did listen
Who said that she should be able to move either her or the other child today (which is all we wanted)
I did raise the point about the crying she said (talking to my daughter) it's about finding a

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Original poster

purpleme12 · 17/02/2022 09:17

... Balance isn't it
I'm sure she's trying to help
But then when my child got a bit teary kind of said the same thing herself
Which I still disagree with
But I'm glad I had a word with the headteacher now anyway
We'll have to see my child says after school

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RachelSq · 17/02/2022 09:38

Fingers crossed that this works out for her.

At least the headteacher took it seriously and is doing something now, even if her words weren’t ideal either.

It must be hard dealing with a problematic child in a class (every class seems to have one!) but they shouldn’t be able to negatively impact others.

Needcoffeecoffeecoffee · 17/02/2022 09:46

It sounds like you have spoken to the headteacher to get some resolution
When your dd was upset about going in and you were speaking to the teacher about why was your daughter there?
First thing in a morning with all the children coming in and your dd there at the time isnt a good time to speak to the teacher about those kind of issues. It will have thrown her alongside your daughter hearing it. What would have happened if the teacher had to say to you "well actually dd has hit her friend several times" (I am in no way suggesting that) sometimes it's best to book an appointment to have a 1.1 chat with the teacher at a quiet time
I hope your dd gets moved and feels happier soon

Needcoffeecoffeecoffee · 17/02/2022 09:47

Sorry that shouldn't say why was your daughter there but was your daughter there

Original poster

purpleme12 · 17/02/2022 09:51

I get your point
As I said earlier in the thread I was going to speak about it another time but then my daughter got upset going in and was hanging back not going in. I did try to get her in at that point but she still kept being upset at going in and wouldn't go in which is when I didn't feel able to shove her in.

But I'm not sure what the issue is with my child actually being there.

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busyeatingbiscuits · 17/02/2022 09:54

In terms of sorting the bullying issue - yes that should be taken seriously.

I don't think all teachers are going to be as nurturing and validating as a parent might be at home though.
Yes, current fashion is all about encouraging children to express their feelings and lots of parents will do that, but at school children are going to encounter some adults who are more brusque. Honestly that's ok too.

You aren't going to be able to control how every adult interacts with your child and ensure they use the tone and wording you feel is best.

BiscuitLover3678 · 17/02/2022 09:56

Even for those who say ‘maybe if crying is a habit’ if crying is a habit then there is an issue! Poor child may feel overwhelmed by their emotions. It is not acceptable.

Original poster

purpleme12 · 17/02/2022 09:56

No. But I still feel it was the right thing to do to bring this up yesterday and today at the same time because it was part and parcel of what was making her upset and affecting her

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