School report - told he was a perfectionist and it's holding him back

[Fififtp]

Hi,
I've just had my sons first p1 report. She said it can be difficult in class cause he doesn't want to make mistakes, so if he thinks something too hard hell point blank refuse to do it. This is him to a tee in the house, but as I had no feedback from nursery regarding this, I thought it was just with us. She said if he makes a mistake he wants to start again etc
As I now know this is happening, I need to learn how to teach him you are going to get stuff wrong before you get it 100% right, but when he gets so upset I don't know how I'm going to get round it.

Im looking for anyone who's been in a similar position to give some tips on how to deal with it.
Thanks

It is more about building confidence.

Also flip it back to them, what are they doing to help his confidence. It is also the school responsibility to instil a love for leaning and not to pigeon hole children. What are they doing about it? What is their plan?

Abs did they give you tips or exercises to do at home?

Can you model yourself making mistakes and handling it well when you do activities together.

Is there anything he doesnt mind messing up that you can praise when he has another go.

He might be too young but tgere is acwreck it journal which if you goigle it will exolain more. Possibly too little for it though.

I would be talking about learning being tricky and the learning pit and how asking for help makes us feel better. What strategies have school said they use?

Our school rewards learning through making mistakes. Perhaps you could think of a system to reward him not starting over again again or trying things he’s not sure of and reward effort not outcome as it were. It builds a growth mind set.

This is what Growth Mindset is all about, which is a big thing in primaries now. There are YouTube videos with monsters (can't remember exactly but easy enough to find) which explain it all very clearly.

I have two perfectionists, and yes it is a potential issue. They are 11 & 14. The 11 yr old would be so angry if she came to a question she couldn’t answer and would storm off in a temper, from as early as I can remember. I try to re-engage her when she calms down - often with sweets or other nice snack, and try to walk her through the question so that she can think about it more clearly and come up with her own solution. If able to do that, helps to build patience (and confidence) for problems solving.

I tell them - it’s important to get things wrong because that’s how you learn - school don’t expect you to get everything right, otherwise what is the point in going to school?? If you know everything already, what’s the teacher there for?

It is a journey and patience/more relaxed approach, & self-confidence are the key.

I'd model making mistakes myself and show him it's possible to make a mistake, be ok with it, then move on. Tell him that everyone makes mistakes and that you need to make mistakes to learn!

It might help if you can subtly point out little every day mistakes that you have made or that other people are making, and how things are still ok and those people are still brilliant and valuable.

This is what my child is like. I am also a perfectionist and aware that she may have picked this up from me. 😖 She appears absolutely terrified of clicking the submit button when doing her online maths work in case it’s wrong. I have explained to her about mistakes I have made and how I learnt from them and made things even better next time. She is still scared to click though so we’re still working on it!

Read about how to encourage a growth mindset and definitely model making mistakes and talk about mistakes you make in a positive way. It’s important to praise effort rather than results.

Also, when appropriate have him learn an instrument. Making mistakes and practicing is unavoidable and gets them use to the idea of progress being made through purposeful effort.

Everyday just talk about how we make mistakes as part of learning something new etc not just at the point of encountering something difficult.

This is definitely something you need to work on and reinforce at home as perfectionism actually leads to underperformance academically.

I work with autistic children and many of them struggle with the idea of mistakes because it's "wrong" (not suggesting he has asd btw just highlighting my experience!)

One of the things we do is model it. So if we do or say something wrong we say "ooops. That's was a mistake. It's should be ....... Never mind - mistakes happen and I've made it ok now"

Or "oh dear. I didn't mean to do that. Oh well - never mind. I've put it right now".

With our pupils who really struggle with getting annoyed with mistakes we'd say something like "oh that's annoying I made a mistake. But never mind I'm proud of myself for making it right now".

It doesn't happen overnight because some people have an inate need to be perfect. It's all about teaching them others won't judge them for their mistakes and allowing them to be more gentle on themselves and trying to be perfect to impress others.

Most people always have this need if they are born with it but they can learn to relax around the idea of being perfectionists all the time.

I had a DS like this. Aged about 7 we did a reward chart for trying something difficult at school, with added praise at trying something difficult and getting it wrong . I would regularly ask him and his brother if they’d given something tricky a go that day - not just academic stuff, also difficult things with friends, putting a hand up in class etc. Can be anything they personally find difficult. This, combined with a very positive attitude from the teacher around mistakes, completely changed his pov.

I recommend making sure you model mistake-making and avoid asking about whether he gets things right or wrong. Phrase questions around enjoying the subject or making an effort.

Got this same report for DD when she was about 6 or 7. She is now 19. I can't remember what I did, if anything. However, DD is amazing. She got 4 x A* in her A Levels and is now at one of top universities worldwide. Looking back on it, I don't think her primary school realised how bright she is. Maybe your DC is the same.

Thank you so so much for all these replies - I really wasn't expecting that!!

I spoke to my son about the report and made him aware of what the teacher said he was good at ie polite, helpful, knows his numbers well and then made him aware she told me he doesn't always do as she asks. He said that was true, but sometimes he has to think and that he does try in class... I could have cried 😭 I think he's oblivious to his actions.

As I have just read all your feedback, I came up with this plan for the moment... We're going to buy some cool pencils and rubbers so that he can try all the work the teacher asks, and if he makes a mistake it's OK and he can rub it out and try again. I'll speak to his teacher on Friday and if she said he's been trying harder we'll go for a treat. I will also enforce this at home when he's drawing etc as it's usually a new bit of paper for any tiny mistake.

I will read up on growth mindset and 100% will practice modeling mistakes. I will speak to family to ensure they also do this.

His teacher didn't hive any suggestions, but at the same time I didn't ask on the phone. I did send an email in after asking for strategies and maybe some of the work home that he's not wanting to attempt, so we can practice in the comfort of his own home where he maybe doesn't need to feel embarrassed.

Thanks so much again. It's really helped me, and also made me feel like it's not only my child that's like this. I always seem to think the worst.

My p2 child is a perfectionist too. Spends ages writing as does a lot of rubbing out. Likes to sound out every letter in every word when reading even when she knows the word. Won’t answer a question unless sure of the answer. In contrast her twin is happy to make mistakes and goes much faster as you can learn from your mistakes.

We bought a book called 'Beautiful Oops' for DS1 when he was showing some perfectionist tendencies (specifically in his writing and drawing) and it seemed to help him accept that a mistake is not a catastrophe. I think it is linked to growth mindset thinking and the author might now have brought out some related books/workbooks.

My eldest was like this - she wouldn't even want to play games at 3 or 4 in case she lost.
My other half is very similar and it's a really difficult trait as an adult so we worked hard to try and help her out of it.
She learned an instrument which really helped with understanding the concept of needing practice to be perfect.
"Good enough is good enough" was my mantra to her when she was younger.
As she got older we strongly encouraged downtime (we felt like we were the only parents getting Netflix so she could watch it before GCSEs!)
Any prizes/gifts etc we gave were always given the day of a test/music exam etc not on results day so they were associated with the effort not with the results.
I would say she is now very balanced albeit hard-working and very talented.

I was like this at school. I had undiagnosed OCD. I ended up dropping out before exams because I couldn’t handle the pressure.

This is such a common thing, in every class I've taught there's been at least one child like this.

Best thing you can do is model making mistakes and emphasise that mistakes are part of learning. As long as you look at your mistake and see where you went wrong (or ask for help), you're doing great.

100% @itsgettingwierd

Your language can also really influence how they think. You need to get him into a mindset where making mistakes means something more positive, and where he doesn't think you're just saying it to make him feel better!

In the example of buying the pencils and rubbers, what about telling him it's because it's so important to make mistakes - it means we're learning and testing new things - and you want him to have the right tools?

I wouldn't suggest asking to send work he doesn't want to attempt home. That is reinforcing that he should be embarrassed about not being able to do it in school, which is the opposite of what you want to encourage.

I tell my secondary students that I absolutely want them to draft and redraft - perhaps try to move away from mistakes to frame it as reworking and improving. No one is allowed to cross stuff out; instead they write ‘draft’ beside it and have another go.

There is very good advice here. Here is an additional thing to try if your son is willing, based on my own experience as a kid with a perfectionist and paralysing streak.

I found what made me relax more about things was getting into physical exercise. I don’t mean team sports necessarily—I was not the type—but going for a run or fast walk in nature, doing drama, dance, or tai chi, or doing a physical but not painstaking task, like watering the garden, washing the car, making bread, etc, sort of shook me loose and made me lose the obsessive perfectionism.

Maybe it is about feeling comfortable with expressing yourself in a physical way that gets you out of your intellect, which is where the perfectionism seems to come from, at least in my case.

It can be a real barrier to learning, so definitely get a grip on this. Growth mindset has been around for a while now, and is one of those buzzwords in education that actually makes a load of sense if you understand it properly.

Start to praise processes rather than outcomes, as if the 'answers' don't matter. It's the working to getting the answers that's rewarded. "Amazing that you tried really hard with that writing even though you found it hard", "I love how you knew that answer didn't make sense and so tried a different way to solve the problem".