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Original poster

DD wrongfully in trouble at school

44 replies

MarshmallowX1983 · 23/10/2021 00:31

DS started junior school in Sept and is young for his year group (turned 7 in August) and on top of that, is lacking in emotional intelligence (I can compare to his 5 year old sister who clearly has way more empathy than him).

At school pick up today, his teacher marched on to the playground and in front of the other parents told me he was in trouble today because he had been rude to another teacher and made comments about her weight. It’s extremely unlike DD to intentionally insult people but he can be a bit rude and cheeky at times. I was mortified, I physically felt angry and I took her at her word, marched DD home and gave him a very intense bollocking. I was so embarrassed that I was unable to control my tears which in turn was clearly very upsetting for him, but I was completely overwhelmed that a child of mine could possibly act hurt fully to a grown up.

Once I calmed down my husband and I asked what was actually said. It turned out another child had said something about knocking over this other teacher and DD had said ‘I doubt that’ (as in, she was too heavy to be knocked down by a child).

I looked DD in the eye and he was so confused, he said, I didn’t say anything about that lady’s weight Mummy, I didn’t call her fat. That boy obviously couldn’t knock her over because he is a kid and she’s a grown up.

He was being logical, and hadn’t realised that by saying ‘I doubt that’, that it would come across as an insult. I believe him because I know that he doesn’t have the intelligence to make an insinuated insult at someone.

I rang the school (4pm by then) and the teacher agreed that was what had happened but I had to explain that DD is incapable of that kind of insinuated insult, I agreed that it was rude but certainly not as bad as outrightly calling someone fat, which is what the teacher had led me to believe. She didn’t have much more to say (in all my dealings with her so far she never does) so we left it at that.

DD has always been a bit cheeky and recently more of an attitude but underneath it he genuinely has a good heart. I’m horrible worried that both his teacher and this other teacher have now pegged him as a bad egg, and I feel like if his teacher really knew him she would have defended him.

Bottom line is, I can’t stand the idea that multiple teachers at the school might think that my boy is capable of being that unkind.

I want to caveat that I am trying really hard not to be a Mum who simply cannot believe that my precious child would misbehave - I genuinely believe this was a misunderstanding.

Should I take it further with the school and if so, how? Or should I just leave it? I’ve never had to deal with anything like this (DD in y3 and DD in Y1) and find this sort of thing extremely stressful and anxiety inducing :-(

OP posts:
Original poster
MarshmallowX1983 · 23/10/2021 00:40

Sorry - I've just realised I put DD in the title and throughout the post but I am talking about DS - my little BOY. It's late and I'm very tired!!

OP posts:
Maxstrong · 23/10/2021 00:40

If you have understood what happened correctly I think they owe your DC an apology. They were not truthful when they accused him of being rude about a teacher's weight. They know what he said and it cannot be interpreted as rude.

Unreasonabubble · 23/10/2021 00:42

Wow! his teacher marched on to the playground and in front of the other parents told me he was in trouble today because he had been rude to another teacher and made comments about her weight

This brings back so many bad memories. That Teacher has NOT RIGHT WHATSOEVER to tell you this in front of the other parents,

Original poster
MarshmallowX1983 · 23/10/2021 00:56

That’s the thing. I feel so guilty that I gave him such a massive telling off because of what the teacher had led me to believe. I almost feel like she has it in for him. I haven’t had a good vibe from her from the very start when there was some confusion over his lunches (he has multiple allergies) and she really wasn’t very understanding or helpful about it.

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PennyWus · 23/10/2021 01:04

Ask the teacher to meet you on the playground next time you pick up as you need a word. Then, March up to her and demand an apology to your son for misrepresenting the "insult" to you, explaining that as a result of her exaggeration you had been extremely angry with your DS only to discover there was no insult.

Yellowmellow2 · 23/10/2021 08:21

I think the issue lies in how the teacher conveyed the message (though did she really march?!). I think the public nature of it caused embarrassment and shame for you and so you then lost it with your child before finding out the facts, and now you feel bad about that. This could’ve all been avoided if the teacher had quietly taken you to one side to talk to you, rather than blurting it out in front of everyone.

I don’t think you need to be panicking that your child will now be seen as a bad egg. I’d just let it all go and it will surely settle.

Yellowmellow2 · 23/10/2021 08:22

@PennyWus

Ask the teacher to meet you on the playground next time you pick up as you need a word. Then, March up to her and demand an apology to your son for misrepresenting the "insult" to you, explaining that as a result of her exaggeration you had been extremely angry with your DS only to discover there was no insult.
No, don’t do this. How on Earth is that going to help the situation?
SourMilkGhyll · 23/10/2021 08:34

Can't understand why you wouldn't find out the facts from your child before launching into them!

Original poster
MarshmallowX1983 · 23/10/2021 09:21

@SourMilkGhyll I wasn’t thinking straight. As far as I was concerned he’d called the teacher fat. I’ve now had the power of hindsight and I realise I should have taken a breath, asked if we could go somewhere private to talk and then asked for the facts. I didn’t do any of this because I was so blindsided by the teacher, shocked at what my child had done, and embarrassed.

I should add that I have pretty bad anxiety over worrying what people think of me and I always have, I never got into trouble once at school myself and frankly am still terrified of getting into trouble at work! So the way the teacher came to me on the playground in front of everyone was kind of my worst nightmare.

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Idontgiveagriffindamn · 23/10/2021 09:27

I wonder if some of this stems from your child being cheeky and that they have an attitude. Rightly or wrongly this can lead to things being misinterpreted as your used to cheekiness or attitude.

PlanDeRaccordement · 23/10/2021 09:28

I think the teacher is terrible and may actively dislike your child. There is no way that comment could be received as an insult from 7yr old by any rational teacher. Normally, I’d say it’s a misunderstanding and would smooth over with time, but you said she also wasn’t understanding or helpful about his food allergies, which is frankly life threatening negligence on her part.

I’d seriously consider either requesting my child be transferred to another class/teacher or pulling them out of that school and putting them in another one.

insancerre · 23/10/2021 09:31

Just let it go
It’s not worth worrying about

LordEmsworth · 23/10/2021 09:34

You do realise you massively over reacted anyway, yes? An intense bollocking from a crying parent for allegedly calling an adult fat I out of proportion ...

CrazyOldBagLady · 23/10/2021 09:42

I'm sorry but you were crying as you were telling him off without even knowing what went on? That's the most disturbing part of this story I'm afraid. I think you need to evaluate how you managed to get so worked up and lay that on a 4 year old.

Butterfly44 · 23/10/2021 09:45

You cleared it up with the teacher and I think that's fine. They took a viewpoint too soon.

I had this once with my boy, he and others were severely told off in front of parents and teachers about upsetting another child. I was in tears, upset with him and that made him upset. At home I found out it wasn't like that at all, contacted other parents who were there to see what their child has said had really happened; then went into school and spoke to teachers to tell them the real story. Situation cleared up and they apologised.

Sherrystrull · 23/10/2021 09:45

You said the teacher said your son 'made comments about her weight' but then said she had implied he had said 'fat'.

What exactly did the teacher say?

You should have spoken to your son before telling him off. You misjudged this and are now passing the buck to the teacher.

Original poster
MarshmallowX1983 · 23/10/2021 09:54

I wasn’t really asking for a character assassination, I’m only human and I can accept that I dealt with it badly, parenting is hard and I’ve never had to deal with any of my kids behaving badly at school before. Hope I can learn a lesson in that respect. (Note DS is 7 not 4)

my main concern is do I drop it or do I take up with the school that they have misjudged him? Maybe wait for parents evening which should take place in a few weeks?

OP posts:
insancerre · 23/10/2021 09:57

Have they misjudged him though?
You say he is cheeky- the teacher might interpret that differently

ThePlantsitter · 23/10/2021 10:02

I think you need to chill out a bit. It does sound intensely irritating but you've got at least 4 years left at this school and I would prioritise that relationship (unless you are planning on moving him).

In time the sting will go out of this and I think you just need to wait it out. I get it because I'm insanely sensitive to criticism/telling off too but this is your opportunity to make DS a bit hardier than you! Don't you wish you could let this sort of thing run off your back? I do! You can tell DS he's done nothing wrong and to forget about it. Obviously if school goes on about it after this you'll need to step in but they probably won't. It's still early in the year and ds has plenty of time to show them what a nice kid he is.

Sherrystrull · 23/10/2021 10:02

I would send an email to the teacher explaining what your ds actually said and how he didn't mean to upset her.

I would also ask that in future you are spoken to in private about any issues. It was wrong of the teacher to tell you in public.

I teach my class that if something they say upsets someone then they must apologise even if it wasn't meant. Children need to learn that what they say has consequences and can affect others.

Original poster
MarshmallowX1983 · 23/10/2021 10:02

@insancerre cheeky yes, but not malicious. I can certainly see how if people don’t get to know him they’d think he was a little sh*t. He genuinely does have a good heart, it’s just couple with a lack of empathy which he has inherited from DH…

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GoodGrief100 · 23/10/2021 10:11

I would leave it now but be hyper-aware if an issue crops up again. Make sure you calmly talk to your son to get his side before blowing your lid. You've phoned the teacher and beyond that there really isn't much else you can do. Forcing her to apologise and reprimanding her in public as per PP will do absolutely no good whatsoever.

AlexaShutUp · 23/10/2021 10:14

OK, OP, time to get some perspective.

It doesn't sound like ds did anything wrong, simply that his comments were misinterpreted and blown totally out of proportion. I'm guessing that this is as much about the teacher's own insecurity about her weight making her hypersensitive to such comments rather than any particular vendetta against your son.

It sounds like your own reaction was also a reflection of your own hypersensitivity with regard to what people think of you and/or your dc. Lots of kids will get into trouble at some point or say things that they shouldn't. They're children and they're still learning what's socially acceptable and what's not. I think you did overreact, and that probably didn't help the situation, but like you say, you're human and we all have our triggers.

If I were you, I would get ds to write a short note to the teacher to say "I'm really sorry if I upset you, I didn't mean to be rude. I wasn't trying to say anything about you in particular, I just wanted to say that it was unlikely that a small child could knock over a grown up. I will try to be more careful about what I say in future". He shouldn't have to apologise really, but he's stuck with the same teacher for the next year so he might as well make peace with her. And it's no bad thing to learn to apologise for upsetting someone even when it's unintentional - it's just the decent thing to do.

Baxdream · 23/10/2021 10:17

I'm going to say something controversial. If he had said, 'you couldn't push her over as she's fat' (I know he didn't), would that have warranted being told off by his teacher/you?

I know it's important to be kind but he's only 7. My DSs was the same. It's factual in their mind in the same way as she's blonde, she's short etc

Please understand I do think kind words are very important and if he'd implied she'd fat, a gentle' oh those words might upset her because...'

I guess I'm saying at 7 I don't think even what the teacher thought he meant deserved a telling off.

Don't get me wrong at 12 I'd have a different view!

Original poster
MarshmallowX1983 · 23/10/2021 10:19

@AlexaShutUp @Sherrystrull @GoodGrief100
thanks for your sound advice - I think I am going to do something along these lines.

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