DD wrongfully in trouble at school

[MarshmallowX1983]

DS started junior school in Sept and is young for his year group (turned 7 in August) and on top of that, is lacking in emotional intelligence (I can compare to his 5 year old sister who clearly has way more empathy than him).

At school pick up today, his teacher marched on to the playground and in front of the other parents told me he was in trouble today because he had been rude to another teacher and made comments about her weight. It’s extremely unlike DD to intentionally insult people but he can be a bit rude and cheeky at times. I was mortified, I physically felt angry and I took her at her word, marched DD home and gave him a very intense bollocking. I was so embarrassed that I was unable to control my tears which in turn was clearly very upsetting for him, but I was completely overwhelmed that a child of mine could possibly act hurt fully to a grown up.

Once I calmed down my husband and I asked what was actually said. It turned out another child had said something about knocking over this other teacher and DD had said ‘I doubt that’ (as in, she was too heavy to be knocked down by a child).

I looked DD in the eye and he was so confused, he said, I didn’t say anything about that lady’s weight Mummy, I didn’t call her fat. That boy obviously couldn’t knock her over because he is a kid and she’s a grown up.

He was being logical, and hadn’t realised that by saying ‘I doubt that’, that it would come across as an insult. I believe him because I know that he doesn’t have the intelligence to make an insinuated insult at someone.

I rang the school (4pm by then) and the teacher agreed that was what had happened but I had to explain that DD is incapable of that kind of insinuated insult, I agreed that it was rude but certainly not as bad as outrightly calling someone fat, which is what the teacher had led me to believe. She didn’t have much more to say (in all my dealings with her so far she never does) so we left it at that.

DD has always been a bit cheeky and recently more of an attitude but underneath it he genuinely has a good heart. I’m horrible worried that both his teacher and this other teacher have now pegged him as a bad egg, and I feel like if his teacher really knew him she would have defended him.

Bottom line is, I can’t stand the idea that multiple teachers at the school might think that my boy is capable of being that unkind.

I want to caveat that I am trying really hard not to be a Mum who simply cannot believe that my precious child would misbehave - I genuinely believe this was a misunderstanding.

Should I take it further with the school and if so, how? Or should I just leave it? I’ve never had to deal with anything like this (DD in y3 and DD in Y1) and find this sort of thing extremely stressful and anxiety inducing :-(

@PennyWus

Ask the teacher to meet you on the playground next time you pick up as you need a word. Then, March up to her and demand an apology to your son for misrepresenting the "insult" to you, explaining that as a result of her exaggeration you had been extremely angry with your DS only to discover there was no insult.

Don’t be so dramatic. If the OP was so hard on her child without even asking for his side of things, that’s just shit parenting.

@PlanDeRaccordement

I think the teacher is terrible and may actively dislike your child. There is no way that comment could be received as an insult from 7yr old by any rational teacher. Normally, I’d say it’s a misunderstanding and would smooth over with time, but you said she also wasn’t understanding or helpful about his food allergies, which is frankly life threatening negligence on her part.

I’d seriously consider either requesting my child be transferred to another class/teacher or pulling them out of that school and putting them in another one.

Good advice - the teacher will most likely be glad to see the back of such a batshit parent 🤣

What ever a teacher tells you about your child. Always get the child's version as well.
If your child thinks that you believe someone else before them you will loose their trust.
Unfortunately in this occasion you failed as a parent big style.

cheeky yes, but not malicious. I can certainly see how if people don’t get to know him they’d think he was a little sht.*

In fairness, his teacher has 30 other children in the class. She had never going to know him like you do.

If even you can see how others might perceive him, it's possibly unrealistic to expect even a teacher to get past that ' little sh*t' element of his behaviour

I would send an email to both teachers. Something like “I’m emailing to follow up our phone conversation about the upsetting incident at school on Friday. I have spoken to my son and he explained that he said that the boy could not push the teacher over because she is an adult and he is a child, this has been confirmed by Mrs …
It is unfortunate that you chose to interpret his comments as an insult, especially as my son has been in considerable trouble as a result of your interpretation. This was made worse by the accusation being made in public, in front of many other parents, which didn’t give me the chance to assess and clarify the situation before responding.
I understand that my son can be cheeky/misbehave, but on this occasion he did nothing wrong.
I believe he deserves an apology, and I would like your assurance that there will be no further consequence.
I welcome feedback about my son’s behaviour at school, but can I request that any further comments are made privately.”

Yikes. ‘Shit parenting’, ‘bat shit parent’? I am a real human being you know, and I’m just trying my best. I’m neither a shit parent or bat shit. Everyone has times when they look back and wish they’d dealt with a situation differently.

I was wrong and I did not come on here to be absolved, I just wanted advice on how to go forward with the school.

Ignore the silly comments, OP. We all overreact to stuff or get it wrong sometimes. It doesn't make you a shit parent in the slightest!!

Some people on these boards just seem to want to stick the knife in. It probably reflects more on the day that they're having than it does on you!

@Elisheva

I would send an email to both teachers. Something like “I’m emailing to follow up our phone conversation about the upsetting incident at school on Friday. I have spoken to my son and he explained that he said that the boy could not push the teacher over because she is an adult and he is a child, this has been confirmed by Mrs … It is unfortunate that you chose to interpret his comments as an insult, especially as my son has been in considerable trouble as a result of your interpretation. This was made worse by the accusation being made in public, in front of many other parents, which didn’t give me the chance to assess and clarify the situation before responding. I understand that my son can be cheeky/misbehave, but on this occasion he did nothing wrong. I believe he deserves an apology, and I would like your assurance that there will be no further consequence. I welcome feedback about my son’s behaviour at school, but can I request that any further comments are made privately.”

Please don't do this. It's way over the top.

Thank you @AlexaShutUp

The irony that I was cross with my child because I’d been told he had done something unkind, only to be met with more unkindness on here!

Incidentally, though, if you think you overreacted, I would apologise to your son and tell him that, explain that we all get it wrong sometimes etc. I always did that with dd and she told me recently that it has made the teenage years much easier for her - a)because she always felt that it was OK to make mistakes and get things wrong and b) because she said that most kids put their parents on a pedestal when they're little and think they can do no wrong, but then they hit the teenage years and realise that their parents are just flawed human beings after all, and that makes them really angry. DD said that, in my case, I always pointed out when I had got things wrong and apologised for it, so she always knew I wasn't perfect from the start and didn't have to deal with a huge change in her perception of me.

So turn your overreaction into an opportunity for your son to learn that we all fuck up sometimes and that's OK as long as we're trying our best!

I did that immediately last night when we realised there’d been a misunderstanding! That’s really interesting about how it affects the teenage years, sounds like your DD has a lot of emotional intelligence (as do you!)

That's good that you had that conversation with him, @MarshmallowX1983. I'm sure he will bounce back from this in no time.

And yes, I'm obviously biased, but my dd is absolutely bloody fabulous and I'm very lucky to have her! But like me, she is far from perfect and we are both totally OK with that!!!

Primary school teacher here. I have been called fat by a child and I was so I just told them they had good eyesight and just ignored it. It didn't happen again because her friends told her not to be mean! I have been humiliated and harassed because of my weight many times in my life but from a child I would just ignore it unless repeated or just say 'That is such a shame you want to use unkind words to hurt because I would not be happy if that was to happen to you.

On a different issue if I have to make contact with a parent due to behaviour I either email or phone as I don't want to have that conversation in the the playground. I also offer a face to face chat if needed ASAP.

Ok so it sounds to me as if everybody needs to cool down about this.
The teachers see ds as a bit cheeky or having a bit of an attitude so interpreted a comment as an insult.
You got very anxious and upset and cried about the comment.
It's perhaps it's a good job that it's now half term and you've all got time to let it settle.
Then what I'd suggest is asking for a proper face to face (if they will) meeting about ds needs and behaviour at school.
No criticism about your anxiety but school need to know how you react to things and tailor their approach accordingly.
Clearly telling you in the playground in front of people made things ten times worse for you, so they need a better communication strategy.
They also need to try to understand and work with ds instead of just labelling him as rude.
Maybe though there's also something you could be doing to help your ds understand what does and doesn't come across well.
Anyway, try to relax over half term, ignore posters telling you to go in all guns blazing and demand an apology. That never ends well.
Then try a calm approach to the school once they're back. Good luck!

Ignore the unkind posters.
I would be annoyed if I thought my child had intentionally said something hurtful to someone.

If they’re in school Monday I would ring up and ask to speak to the teacher and another member of staff after school.
Then I would explain exactly what happened - that you told him off but when you found out what happened he didn’t mean it in that way and she is if course bigger than a child so she would be harder to push over.
I would just want a conversation between you all so that your DS can be apologised to when something he said was taken completely out of context and no one spoke to him about it to see what he actually meant.

I would be really annoyed if a teacher did this in public. That's the real issue. It stopped you from being able to find out exactly what was said. Teacher should be ashamed of herself for overreacting. I expect she is fat of course.

I do think you need to consider what it was that triggered you to over-react. There may well be a next time and you need to manage your own reactions to behaviour better. You can be disappointed and angry but for it to have made you hysterical while trying to talk to your son off feels massively disproportionate. Children often say what they see with no filter and just need things explaining.

If, by your own admission, your child can be perceived as a little shit, then I think it is fair to assume that his comment was not an isolated incident.

I promise you that pushing this further will do absolutely nothing to endear the teacher to your child. For his sake, let it go!

Thanks @Tiredforfive45. You’re right.