Bilingualism with a late start?

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So DS is 5. My spouse is white English and I am Asian. In my country of origin nearly everyone is trilingual. English being the official language (it’s a former British colony), then our local mother tongue, and national langauge. I am fluently triliangual - native speaker fluency. It’s not a big deal there - normal life.

When I moved to the uk and much later when I had DS I unfortunately was wrongly told that me speaking my langauge to him would delay his language development (I know). As a result I only spoke one of my 3 languages (English) to him. Since his dad and I also only speak to each other in English - and since his relatives in my home doh try also speak English with native fluency - that was DS’s chance to learn another language just gone.

Needless to say I really regret this. Last year DD came along. She’s 16 months old and I have NEVER spoken a word of English to her. Only my langauge. And hey - she perfectly understands a huge range of sentences and words and says quite a few already. Of course! Despite no other exposure to my langauge and not hearing it in her environment (remember my spouse is English) - she’s soaking it in.

My question now is: is it too late for DS? He understands lots and lots. For example - he totally understands - come here, eat it up, sit down, wait, we are late, put your shoes on, etc - you get the gist. He just can’t speak it. At all. He is understanding even more as he’s hearing it spoken to his baby sister and is very keen to learn.

I feel a tad helpless as I don’t know where to start now. I can’t suddenly stop speaking English to him and suddenly endeavour to - dunno- teach him about planets and experiments and do his phonics and numeracy in another language! I can’t suddenly talk to him about his feelings and emotions in another langauge. What should I actually do at this point?

Obviously if i could turn clock back 5 years I would. It since I can’t what is feasible you think? Should I actively give him lessons in a focused way? Wouldn’t know where to start! It’s a not a European langauge with loads of apps and websites... :/

To top it all my entire family lives back there - nobody in UK - and because we are a former colony and speak English with native fluency - they all speak English to him - as let’s face it - 10 mins of a zoom once a week amidst busy schedules they’d rather hear how he’s getting on with cricket and reading and what not in a langauge they can actually speak to him in before he runs off without forcing language issues.

Grrrr. Not sure what to do :/. It obviously isn’t mandatory for him to be bilingual but it’s all sorts of good and I am trilingual so don’t want to deprive him...

Common for children in Wales to start at Welsh medium school at 4 having no previous Welsh spoken to them. By immersion they’re singing songs and rhymes within weeks. Don’t see why that wouldn’t happen with your DS. Is he not picking it up when you’re talking to DD.

Yes he’s understanding more ever since DD came along - he can’t speak it at all though except isolated handful of words. Also our only family time together is evening an hour and weekends .... hence wondering if focused lessons from me is something to try

My DC were born abroad. We live in a country where English is widely spoken but they weren't really exposed to it until they went to a local school. They're 5 and 6 and apparently doing really well. It's a language with a different alphabet too so that's a challenge. It's never to late in my opinion

Cant speak your language? Or prefers not to as English is easier?
We used to stock up on multi language DVDs when abroad (I know, Covid) and TV in minority language was much more freely given than English TV. You can also switch the language in some of the Netflix's programs into other languages.

Keep going, even if it's only a one way transfer of language. You could also try replying in your language.
Son: (En) Mummy, can I have a biscuit please?
You (En) yes. (Other language) yes, of course you can have a biscuit.

I meant to add obviously I have a lot of resources because they're learning the language at school. We don't speak it much in the house but do use both words for some things like food for example. There's quite a lot online. I think even Twinkl has various languages on there and sometimes we watch their favourite cartoons on YouTube dubbed in the other language.

If he understands a phrase he can use it, he is just choosing not to.

My son is trilingual (one being BSL), I only speak to him in Urdu, he knows to answer me in Urdu unless he needs/wants someone else to also know what he is saying.

I didn’t start learning English until I was eight, my written English isn’t very good, but my spoken English is. 5 is not at all too old.

My friend is same of set up as you, her Ds understands, but doesn't speak it ever despite being spoke to since birth. He replies in English. It will be interesting to see how much your DD speaks it. Does she have many words in your language now?

Thanks all! I had a chat with DS about what we are going to do and he’s not stopped speaking about it for the last hour - and does constantly ask me what is this or how do you say that in my language. Wonder how I can enforce the speaking given that he does understand lots - without making it a chore/making things awful - and keep our rapport warm and lovely!

DD is 16 months and has only ever heard me speak my langauge to her. She only gets me for a bit morning and evening and all weekend. She isn’t speaking much yet but I’d say speaks 4-8 words each in my langauge and English and understand hundred plus in my langauge. She has a lovely video where I ask her in my langauge various body parts and where they are and she points it all out including things like pigtail, or fingernail etc. She says words in my langauge for leg, foot, sock, shoe, give, take, car.

The choosing not to aspect is really interesting . Ds is very bright - and very advanced with both his numeracy and his literacy, so I don’t think it’s at all anything to do with comprehension etc. He’s really choosing not to say “yes” or “no” - literally one single word in my language when he knows what they are.... hmm.

Spoken language always lags behind comprehension. If you think about babies, they spend 9-12 months listening to language before they start to speak it. Children at primary school are typically 6 months ahead in comprehension to expression.
So you can expect your son to spend more time listening than speaking initially. It will help that he is fluent in English as it is easier to learn a new language when the language pathways are already established. I would just start speaking in the other language to him and see how you get on!

I think the issue may not be that he is "choosing" to speak English to you but that English is the language that he "knows" you in, so that it feels odd for him to speak a different language to you. (My daughter has this with her godfather. He is German and German is one of her native tongues but he started speaking English to her when she was little and now they can't make the switch from English to German because it feels completely unnatural to them.) Your son is still very little though, so I would just start speaking to him as much as possible in your other language and, over time, you may find that he starts responding, especially when your daughter starts speaking more.

Also, you mention Zooming with friends and family. Are there perhaps any family members/friends you could introduce him to who - strangely - only speak the language you want him to speak? Faced with no choice and a new person, you may find that he can indeed actually say more than you might think.

What Elisheva said

We get it a lot where I work, that dc come into Nursery with no English, and they understand a LOT before they gain the confidence to speak in English.
I would just speak totally in one of your other languages when you and your dc are there (at times when it doesn't exclude your dh of course).

@NavigatingAdolescence

Common for children in Wales to start at Welsh medium school at 4 having no previous Welsh spoken to them. By immersion they’re singing songs and rhymes within weeks. Don’t see why that wouldn’t happen with your DS. Is he not picking it up when you’re talking to DD.

Similar in Ireland for children joining Irish (Gaelic) medium schools coming from English speaking or non-fluent home environments.

The trouble is that when I try to actively teach him the langauge it’s generating so much stress and I am realising I actually do not know how to “teach” it as a foreign language. I literally do not have a clue where to begin.

If it was a European language taught in schools I’d happily arrange a tutor for him or take lessons elsewhere. Because his mum has no clue how or where to begin teaching it as a foreign langauge. Tried today and generated tears on both ends. I don’t know what I am doing. It’s my native tongue and I don’t know how to “teach” it.

I constantly speak it to him/dd at weekends and evenings but obviously not enough for him.

V demoralised today ;/

Are there any songs or nursery rhymes you can start with? Just sing them with clear diction.

I learnt my second language primarily by listening to my dad speak it to my younger brother, and that's with a bigger age gap than you have, so I think your DS will pick up a lot naturally. I did have to work a bit on reading and writing, so I'd recommend doing a bit of that with your DS (maybe have some special books to read with him?)

I think the issue may not be that he is "choosing" to speak English to you but that English is the language that he "knows" you in, so that it feels odd for him to speak a different language to you

That's spot on. It's not a choice IMO but familiarity and a linguistic association with you as his mum. I think the only way is to go ahead and speak to both of your DCs in your chosen language. He's still little and will absorb it in no time. I'm trilingual but not from birth, I learnt two languages from toddlerhood/6 yo and I don't actually have a preference between them and can use them freely. I really don't think it's a choice and it is most certainly the case he now understands more and can say less because he hasn't used it as much in practice. This will change soon though, keep speaking to him and encouraging him, OP. You'll be fine. Good luck

And don't try to teach him like in school - it won't work if you're a native and he's young enough to absorb it through speech and reading.

Thanks all. Reading and writing it is out of the question - it’s a entirely different script (an Asian script - we aren’t talking French or Spanish for an English speaker who knows Roman lettering anyway). Just spoken will do just fine - more than fine. Yes will keep speaking jt

Everyone I know who is bilingual and has spoken to dc from birth says dc speak back to them in English. So don't beat yourself up, in a year or so your dd might be doing the same! I agree with everyone else, keep speaking it, there's certainly nothing to lose

Just continue speaking to him in your language, but if you want to try boosting him a bit think about the way in which babies acquire language. In English typically we start by labelling things - ball, cup, milk, shoes, bubbles etc. Then we add verbs, singing, clapping, jumping etc.
I would play games where you teach him the names of everyday things - kitchen things, vehicles, toys, clothes, body parts etc.

Thanks that does give it a bit of structure. He knows lots of words and sentences but just won’t use them which is something to explore together I suppose.

For example - he would perfectly understand the following -

“Hey how are you?
I am good - how are you?
Fine! Where’s dad?
Dads upstairs.
Where’s (name of sister)?
She’s upstairs.
Okay. Now put your shoes and coat on. Hurry up. Where’s your pencil case?
I don’t know”

He could understand this whole exchange and knows each word and phrase in it.

Will he say any word of it?

Nope!

Not sure where libraries are in terms of lending and opening hours due to COVID at the moment, but where I live you can borrow all sorts of children's books written in Urdu and several other Asian languages. Is that another thing you might do - again, to expose him to the language not to expect him to read them himself.

This is so common. Don't worry, it doesn't mean he isn't responding to it.

Keep speaking it to him and around him. You want to create opportunities for him to use it as well, but not pressure for him to "perform".

Do you have any relatives who only speak this language that you could arrange video/phone calls with? He could then be free to join in or not as he wishes.

Or look for a local community of the language/culture? Sometimes these exist - maybe online and the meet ups are more sporadic or less frequent. Again going and speaking to others in the same language gives him the opportunity to see that people use it. Although when you all live in a country with another language, the DC tend to all speak the local language and speak that amongst themselves.

I do know dc who have struggled to learn two languages from birth. Bright children can but others can, and do, struggle. You’ve had great advice and I’m sure he will be fine. Good luck.