Primary school choice

[Brunothesnake]

Hi,

We didn’t get our first choice (next village) primary school but got another similar choice. There are going to be 14 children and 5 of these are boys (including my DS). The boys are all very physical / boisterous boys and mine is not quiet (very chatty!) but gentle and doesn’t really enjoy that kind of play. He has been hurt more than once by one of the boys in particular. He knows and likes some of the girls going there.

He loves learning and can read a little bit but not keen on writing. Likes to be busy/ doing lots of activities etc. As a wild card because we didn’t get our first choice I looked around a private prep school (up to 11). I was really impressed with it. Loads of extra curricular stuff and seemed very focussed on individual learning. However it’s a 20 min drive away into the nearest city and not really ‘in our area’ so friendships would all be quite far away. I’m not sure what we’d do about secondary school.

I’m now wondering whether we should go for the private prep. It seems to suit his personality better and I can’t imagine him being best friends with the boys who are due to be in his class in the village school anyway. Children do change in time though. It’s obviously a lot more expensive. How do you decide on these things?

Can you afford the private school is perhaps your main question, as in, can you afford it his and any siblings entire education? As he goes to private prep, his mates will likely go to private secondary. Plus there’ll be an expectation of ‘keeping up’. Clothes, stuff, expensive school trips etc.. is that all affordable?

How have you found out there is only 5 boys? We’ve had zero info other than the school we got allocated..

What would you do if you didn’t know all this info? For example, all we know is the school we’ve got into. And that there’ll be up to 18 kids in her class. We are new to the area so DD only knows one child who has got a place. They are pretty different kids but I’m grateful he’ll be a familiar face! We are delighted with our school allocation as it’s a fab, well regarded school. It may be that it’s too heavy with boys/girls and my DD isn’t a girly girl so maybe the others won’t be on her wave length. Who knows. But for me, the school itself is excellent so 🤷🏼‍♀️ These kids are 3/4.. they’ll change, school is very different to nursery, much more conformist & a lot less time to be rough/tumbling!

Where are you on the waiting list for your chosen school?

Do you really want to go private so soon, if at all? Can you commit to increasing fees for, potentially, the next 14 years?

Finally how do you know so much about the new intake’s characters?

Also, he will be at primary until 11. All the children will change hugely over the coming months and years - your DS included. Do you want to commit to years of expense because four little boys are a bit rough and tumble at nursery age? Is the prep likely to still have places if you give the allocated school a go first?

I agree with the PP, children change hugely in Primary years. Also there is quite a lot of mixing between the sexes. My DD was friends with a couple of the gentler boys who would join in her little group on a regular basis.

At Primary age personally I think it’s very good to have local friends and build up their socialisation skills. If you’ve some way to travel then the after school play dates become more of a hassle. DD would typically have about one a week and quite often or not they would be with a ‘boy’friend as much as a ‘girl’friend right up till about age 5. Now she does travel to Secondary (50-60 minutes on the bus) those local friendships have stood her in really good stead during the weekends and holidays (her school friends are all widely geographically dispersed and it’s far less easy).

Right up till Year 5 that should have said, not age 5!

In response to how do I know- it’s a small area and everyone knows everyone. They all go to nursery together and one of them in particular quite frequently hits / pushes. It’s a bit more than just rough and tumble to be honest. I guess I’m just worried that he will struggle to find others that he has things in common with in such a small group when the others are quite different. Nothing wrong with either type of personality they’re just very different and there is a group of them that are very similar.

If I didn’t know that info I probably would have just gone along with the allocated school but the problem is I do! I didn’t get to look around the school because of covid so I don’t have that ‘feeling’ to reassure me.

I hadn’t really planned on private school- only looked because we didn’t get choice one and then really liked it 🤦‍♀️ it’s a massive financial commitment- we could afford it but it would have an effect on how we spend the rest of our (small amount!) of money.

Good to hear that there is still some friendship between the sexes. My memories of juniors in particular was that it was quite split between boys and girls.

Can you afford it? Bearing in mind that private school fees go up every year plus will increase with the age of the child (ie YR to Y2 likely to be cheaper than Y3 to Y6).

Do you have any younger children? Where will they go?

You aren't going to want to send your DS to Bog Street Comprehensive at 11 after private primary, and private secondary is one hell of a lot more expensive than primary.

They would be my main considerations. MN always goes on about "local friends" being so vital but I've never found that with any of mine. Depends what you feel is important.

20 mins drive is neither here nor there; but is that 20 mins drive on a Saturday afternoon or 20 mins in rush hour traffic at 8am? Every day. Do you need to get to work? Which direction?

FWIW one of mine went private for Y3 to Y6 and another from Y7 to Y11. Private schools tend to have longer hours and extra wraparound care, so can be easier to fit around work. Ours also had Saturday morning school, which was a massive bonus . The downside is they have longer holidays, so that is also something to consider.

Our experience genuinely was that there was a good bit of mixing between the boys and girls right up till about Year 6 when the whole boyfriend and girlfriend thing came into play. It’s entirely up to you obviously but if it is going to affect your general lifestyle and what you can afford to do outside of fees then perhaps look at going State first and if it evidently isn’t working (and I’d give it at least a year) then look to move him? There will obviously be robust and very physical boys at the Private as well (I was privately educated and 100% not all of the boys I went to school with were angels by any means. Paying doesn’t guarantee a ‘nicer’ type of boy).

He doesnt have to be just friends with boys, D1 is 14 and has always had friendships with both boys and girls, DS2 is 10 and his best friend is a girl and has been since Reception.

Presumably you haven't had a "real life" tour of the private either - just a virtual one? Given it's Easter holidays and they will be closed (and you only found out the state placing on friday). Have you confirmed they could actually offer a place - and is it a 20 minute drive in rush hour traffic?

Do you know where you are on the waiting list for the school you want?

A school with an intake of 14 will almost certainly mix classes across years, maybe not in reception but it will in other years, which will mean expanding the friendship pool of course.

You are signing up really to private for at least seven years, probably more as you’ll be “in the system” for private secondary. Can you afford that, and the same for any other children too? Are you confident in that (I have seen children pulled out of private halfway through a year because Daddy lost his job and it’s sometimes quite distressing for the child)? Is it worth tens of thousands (potentially by the end of education hundreds of thousands) of pounds, and a lot of travel, to save your son from the village school? Could you use that money to eg move somewhere else?

Personally I’d go on the waiting list for my first choice state school, have a look at other state options and if that doesn’t work I’d give the allocated school a go. I had a physical, boisterous, hitting, “difficult” nursery aged child. Turned out he had SEN and by the end of reception with a bit of support he was a completely different child. A few of his peers have also changed enormously in the first couple of years of school. A good class teacher and a good school will help and support your son to make friends and the whole class to get on. And if your son is miserable you can always move later - there’s very often movement at the end of infants/ a new intake at junior level for example.

Also, with an intake of 14, they’re presumably mixing year groups to form bigger classes, beyond reception at least. He may very well have more choice of friends that way too. I’d be amazed if a state school could afford a class of 14 all the way through.

@Maltesercake

My thoughts weren’t really to go for private to ‘save him’ from the village school. It was more that we didn’t get first choice so I looked at other options and was impressed with it. I hadn’t really considered private before.

I’d always thought small schools would be preferable but with such a small pool of children I’m not sure anymore.

@PatriciaHolm

I’m not sure where we are on the waiting list but could find out tomorrow.

It’s a 20 min drive to the edge of a city so no real rush hour traffic as such. They have good wraparound provision but of course it’s not as easy as just walking there.

@ScarletZebra

Did you find that your child who went to private school from y3 really benefited from it or not? What were your reasons for choosing it? Thank yiu

We chose a prep for similar reasons (some really brutal kids would have gone in the same year), but also because our assigned school achieves way below national average. No regrets, and oldest is in year 3. We also found the “expectation to keep up” a lot less prevalent than in state schools, but that obviously depends on the school. Our prep isn’t the one for super rich people, most parents have to cut back on something to afford school fees. As a consequence birthday parties, Christmas expectations etc are actually a lot lower key than for friends’ children in state schools...

The assigned school gets decent results. It’s ofsted outstanding but from a decade ago so that’s completely meaningless now I suppose.

Did you travel further to the prep than the assigned school? I guess I don’t want to make him an outsider / isolated in his own community but I did really like the prep.

I would send him to the village school and keep the prep as back up. Start saving now so you can easily afford the prep if you decide you need to move him.

What about secondary- back to state?

@Brunothesnake for us its about 5 minutes longer (by car) to the prep than the local school. Walking distance is about 30/45 minutes.
My son is in beavers/cubs with boys from the local school - he doesn’t interact with them a lot, they just don’t share his interest. Most of the boys are into football and superhero/star wars pretend play, and he really isn’t. He does prefer more quiet games (or non contact games, athletics etc), and his prep just has a higher percentage of boys who prefer these sort of games. It really depends on the child and the schools, but I can genuinely say that he would have been a complete outsider at the local school, even 4 years on.

@ohnothisagain

This is my worry really he hates football. He’s not confident at all physically. What are your plans for secondary? I haven’t really thought that far ahead.

Is private an option for secondary if not how is the transition from prep to state going to be?

Can you hold out at state for a few years to save up?

He will mature during reception and definitely friendships are fluid between girls and boys. It just seems you can't easily afford prep so presumably can't afford private secondary?

This is my worry really he hates football
You dont have to like football to be friends with boys who do, please don't project thoughts like this on to your son.

We could cover private for secondary as our earnings will improve over the years. It would mean not moving to a bigger house / holidays tight. It wasn’t part of the plan.

When I asked at the prep they said about half go to state schools and half to private. Weirdly I feel less worried about secondary as there are so many more people.

@Hellocatshome

I haven’t mentioned any of this to him- he doesn’t know where he’s going yet!

@Brunothesnake secondary - it depends. We have a great local one that has a great art/drama program, but also independent ones (non grammar area).
Its not so much the football itself that is the issue, it is the very loud and physical play he hates. And boys at our local school definitely are currently a loud, physical group. That might all change over the next years, but currently that is the case, so we chose the prep.

My Dd loves Footie and played with the boys at school whilst they were all young 🤷🏽‍♀️