Primary school choice

[Brunothesnake]

Hi,

We didn’t get our first choice (next village) primary school but got another similar choice. There are going to be 14 children and 5 of these are boys (including my DS). The boys are all very physical / boisterous boys and mine is not quiet (very chatty!) but gentle and doesn’t really enjoy that kind of play. He has been hurt more than once by one of the boys in particular. He knows and likes some of the girls going there.

He loves learning and can read a little bit but not keen on writing. Likes to be busy/ doing lots of activities etc. As a wild card because we didn’t get our first choice I looked around a private prep school (up to 11). I was really impressed with it. Loads of extra curricular stuff and seemed very focussed on individual learning. However it’s a 20 min drive away into the nearest city and not really ‘in our area’ so friendships would all be quite far away. I’m not sure what we’d do about secondary school.

I’m now wondering whether we should go for the private prep. It seems to suit his personality better and I can’t imagine him being best friends with the boys who are due to be in his class in the village school anyway. Children do change in time though. It’s obviously a lot more expensive. How do you decide on these things?

@ohnothisagain

Same with my DS. He doesn’t like being pushed and manhandled around. There’s just something different about him compared to the rest of them, which I worry means he won’t fit in. He doesn’t play with them at nursery at all.

I’ll have to have a think whether to try it first or just go for the prep.

I had this dreamy image of us walking to nearest school with loads of play dates and then got second choice with children he doesn’t sort of gel with. Nothing is ever simple!

Fingers crossed he gets a place at the other school, I assume you've put him on the waiting list?

Yes he’s on the waiting list. I don’t think he would mind where he went which is good. He did tell me that he still wants to go even if (hitty child) hits him so I don’t think he’s as bothered as I am.

It’s good your DD did what she liked and played football. I have to say where we are (in the North!) there has been a big change of what people’s perceptions of girls are and it’s definitely seen as a positive thing for girls to like more traditionally male sports / activities and why not?! However things haven’t really moved the other way and it’s still not looked at positively to be a more gentle boy

@Brunothesnake

Yes he’s on the waiting list. I don’t think he would mind where he went which is good. He did tell me that he still wants to go even if (hitty child) hits him so I don’t think he’s as bothered as I am.

It’s good your DD did what she liked and played football. I have to say where we are (in the North!) there has been a big change of what people’s perceptions of girls are and it’s definitely seen as a positive thing for girls to like more traditionally male sports / activities and why not?! However things haven’t really moved the other way and it’s still not looked at positively to be a more gentle boy

If the ‘hurry’ child is actually hitting rather than just being carelessly boisterous I’m sure this will be clamped down on as he grows. In nursery kids really are found, but even the youngest in reception shouldn’t still be hitting without it being raised as a concern and dealt with.

I’m also in the North and have a very gentle boy going into reception who thinks he loves football etc. but hates it if other kids accidentally knock him. He’s still holding a grudge from the time someone tagged him too hard in his first term at nursery!

Hitty, not hurry

He is hitting and leaving marks from it too. Indiscriminately though (mine isn’t particularly targeted). I wasn’t wildly worried about him I think it’s more the issue that he is there and the others are more on the physical side too.

My eldest daughter is really good at rugby! 4 daughters and I spent my life watching outdoor winter sports 🙄 finally the youngest one does Cheerleading - worlds most dangerous female sport 🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️

We're up North too, plenty of boys in Cheer! Although we live in a uni town and I think that does affect the demographics tbh.

Yeah I think if you’re from farming stock then cheer is probably a no go for a boy. I’m not sure he’d be interested in that either - more Lego or pretend games (not violent fighting ones with sticks which they seem to spend all their time at nursery doing). His dad is fairly sporty. I just want him to go somewhere where he doesn’t have to change to ‘fit in’.

He sounds lovely our local secondary school offer agricultural & horticulture.

He'll find his thing, I personally don't like this obsession with her boys playing Footie. Less than 1% of boys that are selected for football academies have any sort of career

It sounds positive that it's 50/50 that go into private secondary from the prep.

@Brunothesnake

He is hitting and leaving marks from it too. Indiscriminately though (mine isn’t particularly targeted). I wasn’t wildly worried about him I think it’s more the issue that he is there and the others are more on the physical side too.

I hate being the complainer generally, but I’d be complaining massively about this.

It’s a tricky area for teachers as they won’t be able to discuss the other boy with you, but they really need to be able to control him.

I absolutely would not be paying private school fees because someone else’s child was behaving inappropriately. I’d be complaining at every incident!

I appreciate that ‘kids are kids’ and the off scuffle will happen but you make this sound much worse than that.

My 7 year old Ds sounds like yours. He isn’t particularly happy in state primary because he does not like football or boisterous boys and since year 2 the girls are more reluctant to play with him.
It hasn’t held him back academically at all as he has the kind of brain that just consumes information so he will just read loads of science and history books at home/pursue his music etc. So his happiness and confidence has suffered a bit at school but not his academic potential. At some point, I may have to move him to a prep but because we are in a grammar school area it doesn’t really make sense as he will fit in there very well, if he gets in.

One on one play dates he is fine so you can use that to compensate in normal times/outside interests. I have come to realise that this is partly the reason that he has suffered so much mentally this year. But school are giving him ks1 Sats papers and he is getting pretty much everything right including all the greater depth stuff which shows that he is fine academically.

So I think the answer is that if the school fees are worth it for you to make him happier than perhaps go for it. However, there could be a bully there too and some boisterous boys as well. He sounds the quieter, clever type and with shorter school hours and less commute, you could try and compensate with outside clubs, instruments, chess etc as he gets older (perhaps even a tutor). That always works out far cheaper than prep

I’ve said it earlier but I’ll say it again, you really will get all types in every single type of school. My eldest DD had her first two years in an all girls Private and I was privately educated. Plenty of badly behaved children in both. And at @Sunnyfreezesushi, youngest DD gets the bus every day with the boys going to a very well known Super Selective in our area of Kent, lots of throwing things around, swearing and calling each other ‘gay’.

@SJaneS49

I’m sure you are 100% right though I would have hoped gay was no longer an acceptable insult to throw around. Sadly not. I just thought there might be a bigger pool of personalities there and it could be more acceptable to be more nerdy / academic?

I too am pretty surprised that you seem to know so many dc so well, who are all going to start at a school which wasn't even your choice of school.

There’s just something different about him compared to the rest of them, which I worry means he won’t fit in. He doesn’t play with them at nursery at all.

So what have you done about this ?
Why do you think it will be different at a private school ?
Won't the "pool" of potential friends be even smaller at a private school, than the village school ?

I'd go private in this scenario in a heartbeat. If it's a good private school the pastoral care will be excellent and the behaviour worlds better. Lots of gentler kids have a truly miserable time at primary school because 30 kids is too many if you have more than a few really disruptive ones.

@BackforGood

What should I have done about it?

There is a bigger intake at the prep school compared to village school.

I

@Sunnyfreezesushi

He sounds very similar to your boy. I don’t really have concerns about him academically. I just want him to feel that he fits in without having to change himself. Who does your DS invite on play dates? I do think he’d be better with individuals rather than the sort of group chaos. He gets on well with girls generally.

Good point re extra curricular activity although that’s also fairly restrictive in a rural area

@BackforGood

What should I have done about it?

Well, without knowing all the details of course, if a child who is 4, or soon to be 4, isn't playing with the other children at Nursery, then that is something that the parents and Nursery staff should have been communicating about and working out how to support them to develop their play and interaction skills.

@Brunothesnake, no sadly gay is thrown around as an insult still - something DD2 picks up on perhaps more as my DD1 who is 26 actually is gay and DD2 gets quite cross about this being used as a term of abuse!

My experience of having DDs in both the Private (DD1 for a short stint) and State sector is that you really will find a whole raft of personalities in every school. The nerds (and DD2 is definitely one) in State do find their fellow nerds! We live in a village too and I understand your concern about smaller class sizes and DS being outnumbered but beyond Reception are they in mixed Year classes? Because if so they do form friendships that way with kids from other years.

@BackforGood

If you actually read what I’ve written I said that he doesn’t play with the boys who will be going into his class. He does play with other children. No concerns have been raised - there’s nothing ‘wrong’ with him he just doesn’t play in the same way that those boys do. I don’t want him to feel that he has to- he’s fine the way he is.

@SJaneS49

Yes they are in mixed year groups later in the school. Hopefully that would help.

I wouldn't make a decision about my child's education based on the behaviour of 1 child age 3 or 4. Bad behaviour needs sorting, I would expect school to do so.

So the local school allocated sounds like a classic small village school (unless massively under subscribed). 15 kids in YR. Outstanding Ofsted. Good results.

I would give it a good go first. Preschool friendships change, kids grow up and kids move in.

It sounds like you've looked at a prep school website and said yes. Is it possible to visit it? It sounds quite a ones jerk response tbo.

Knee jerk! Sorry. That auto correct sounded really rude.

@Brunothesnake - we have found a couple of boys outside school to do play dates with. They have a similar personality and similar interests. One is the brother of my DD’s best friend. I think you can find families outside school that they get on with too. I also try to do playground after school to observe the dynamics. There my DS will often play with the girls more whilst the boys play football on the field outside. I think in normal years I would have done more play dates with girls. Trouble is in our class it is an unwritten rule that birthday parties etc become girl vs boy parties from yr1 and must play dates too. Beavers is mixed though and that is a lovely environment for my DS. In normal times aka not on zoom, he enjoys that.