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Primary education

Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

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Original poster

Gutted with friendship issues

50 replies

Ellie2015 · 03/11/2020 02:59

Hello
My LG has just moved to reception from nursery. She is one of the youngest in her class. We invested a lot in a relationship when she was in nursery. We made friends with her ‘best friends’ parents and we had lot of play dates etc, almost like a family. My LG is quite social and a lot many others kids wanted to be her ‘best friends’ but she is so much into that she ignored them all. Say she is standing next to someone trying to make friends with her, she will suddenly run to that friend. It’s been only a month but her parents have given us a shock. Basically they have been reaching out to other families in an attempt to make new friendship and my daughter hasn’t had any play date with her best friend for a long time. I tried arranging play dates with her other friends but she wouldn’t enjoy them as much and feels sad that her best friend is going out and having fun with others. I feel so hurt and cheated by the family. When I tried speaking to the mother so totally ignored my concerns and doesn’t find anything wrong in it. My LG is very bright and popular and I am just hurt and sad that she is sad for one person who actually does want to be with her but her parents are actively wanting her to be with new friends. They have even gone to extent of hiding their play dates from us and us suddenly bumping them with their other friends, whereas originally they had turned down our offer for play date saying they are busy etc. I feel like they are crushing my beautiful girls emotions. Sadly the new friends the girl has made are all in my LG’s class so it may get even trickier from here on.

Please if someone could advise what should be my advice to my daughter. At this age, kids are kids and I thought we should let them be as they are but my daughter is constantly getting hurt by active steps from the girls parents.

What should I do please? She is my only one. Can’t see her confused and sad. Don’t want these things to impact her performance as she is very bright. The other girl is 5 and her parents are constantly comparing her with my daughter and are competitive.

What should I do as a mother please? Thank you

OP posts:

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katy1213 · 03/11/2020 03:09

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Finfintytint · 03/11/2020 03:15

Children don’t have “ best” friends at that age. Too suffocating. Let your child have multiple friends and don’t criticise other parents for wanting the same.

Original poster

Ellie2015 · 03/11/2020 03:27

Katy1213 you sound so judgemental I will ignore your comments

Thanks Fint my LG does have multiple friends as I said she is very Social and popular But she often turns to this girl and they have a great relationship! To be really honest I too don’t want my daughter to be stuck with one child but i have been told they have this ‘best friend’ thing at this age so I let her be what she does. The other girl warded off most of her friends on first week of school ‘threatening’ them not to play with my daughter claiming she is her best friend. I am just seeing it from my LG’s perspective and can clearly see she is confused as to what happened as she has always been that kind hand and best friend to her.

I just wanna know if I need to do anything actively to avoid any damage to her in long run

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grapewine · 03/11/2020 03:32

You feel cheated? Dramatic. They don't owe you any explanations and are probably hiding play dates, because you are too full on. A wider group of friendships is a good thing and should be encouraged. It sounds suffocating to rely that much on one family. Maybe friend's parents thought so as well.

AgnesNaismith · 03/11/2020 03:33

Stop orchestrating situations and encourage her to play with everyone. You need to dial it down a bit!!

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 03/11/2020 03:39

This is all a bit ott OP- if your daughter is social and popular I don’t see the issue.
“Mummy x didn’t want to play with me today”
“Oh well who did you play with instead”
Let your child know she can play with others and have a variety of friends. It’s all way too Intense for a 4/5 yr old.
Your digger will only think she’s been snubbed and unfairly treated if she sees or hears you making it an issue

1AngelicFruitCake · 03/11/2020 03:39

😱 I’m quite shocked to read this! I’m an early years teacher and completely understand why the other girls parents have had play dates! You have encouraged your daughter to have a best friend at an age where they should be playing with lots of children. It’s not healthy to have one main friend.
You say how popular your daughter is but it sounds like she struggles a bit with friendships (which is normal for this age). Say positive things like ‘I’d like you to play with someone new today’ and mean it. Remember not to get too involved in her friendships as that isn’t helping her. Learning to resolve friendship issues with the help of the staff is an important part of learning for your daughter that she needs to do without you.

Finfintytint · 03/11/2020 03:40

Just keep any friendship broad and superficial. My DS was best friends with numerous children at that age and often included the Cat. They’re just exploring friendships...it doesn’t mean too much, just watch out for those who dictate who gets to play with who as it can be the start of bullying.

Cordial11 · 03/11/2020 03:40

Maybe the other LG has expressed she wants to distant from your DD and they are respecting her wishes.

You can't say you feel cheated, that is dramatic.

RigaBalsam · 03/11/2020 03:43

Honestly kids fall in and out all of the time. They can be best mates for two years and suddenly not be bothered by their old friend it is kids. As sad as that is for adults.

I made good friends with my daughters best friends Mother at age 11. They fell out in lockdown but we stayed friends. They arw now 13.

If it is like this now imagine the teenage years. The best advice I was given is dont get involved ( except bullying obviously) in children's friendship as they change all of the time. As parents get over invested and end up looking foolish.

My dd has had several best friends and is now 13. I honestly would just relax. Kids are pretty resilient at 5. They just want to play.

Original poster

Ellie2015 · 03/11/2020 03:45

Thanks I will ignore people who have no nice words than dramatic etc.

I wouldn’t mind if she carried on making friends but dropping my daughter completely and suddenly is what is my problem.

No need to use nasty words if you are taking effort to write at this time! Thanks

On fools and mothers I am doing precisely the same and encouraging but just want to clarify if anyone sees this becoming a bigger problem or do I need to actively do something? Thanks

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Original poster

Ellie2015 · 03/11/2020 03:46

Fint great advice thank you x

OP posts:

Original poster

Ellie2015 · 03/11/2020 03:48

Riga thanks so much for your helpful advice I think I just need to relax you are absolutely right

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Original poster

Ellie2015 · 03/11/2020 03:53

Angelic fruit cake I am shocked with your response despite being an early year teacher! I have clearly mentioned I am not encouraging her to have best friend. I was told at nursery that they all have this best friend concept even though they play with many others! Your assumption that my LG struggles A bit is strange. She doesn’t struggle and has many friends just prefers and enjoys this friend most

As I said she has had several play dates herself but she most enjoys this friend more perhaps knowing that her parents are friends to each other etc

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MerchantOfVenom · 03/11/2020 03:55

OP - I think people are a bit shocked at your original post. You do come across as very intense, and as an uninvested outsider, it’s pretty easy to see where you’re going wrong.

Your very defensive response to Katy only confirms what people are seeing.

I know it hurts to see the other family pulling back, but they’re genuinely not doing anything wrong.

Encourage other friendships, and please don’t let your DD see how anxious and upset this is making you. If she sees you not thinking it’s a big deal, it’ll be much less of a big deal for her.

Original poster

Ellie2015 · 03/11/2020 03:56

Lot of great advice there thank you all. It did help me relax on this. I really like above idea to encourage to play with someone new. Thank you

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Suzi888 · 03/11/2020 03:56

She needs more than one main friend, what if that friend changed schools.
The parents are clearly trying to discourage this relationship, for whatever reason, so I don’t know what you can do aside from persuade your child to make new friends.

Original poster

Ellie2015 · 03/11/2020 03:58

Thank you Merchant if venom
In this world of internet where we find very helpful advice there are people sat there to judge others and I don’t give a damn to them that’s all

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Original poster

Ellie2015 · 03/11/2020 03:59

I like your advice on not letting her palpate on my feelings as it might rather not be in her best interest thanks for that

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Zodlebud · 03/11/2020 06:59

Have you considered the possibility that the other child might have said that she doesn’t particularly like playing with your daughter? This might not be being driven by the parents at all but by their child, and in extending the circle of friendships they might actually be trying to do this in the gentlest way possible.

You are doing the right thing in encouraging your daughter to play with others but you also need to invest fully in this and not stew over this other friendship.

If the tables were turned and your daughter said she didn’t want to play with this other child then what would you do? Force her to continue down that path because of previous time invested, or try to help navigate a way from it.

If you think friendship issues are tricky now then wait until they reach Y5 and Y6, and then in Y8 and Y9. Unfortunately there’s an element of teaching your child the skills to deal with these sort of circumstances. Encourage them to find other friends they click with. My Y3 daughter is in about her 10th “best friend” so this really won’t be the last time you face this sort of situation.

Original poster

Ellie2015 · 03/11/2020 07:14

No that’s isn’t a possibility as I know the other girl is going around telling other kids not to play with my daughter as she is HER best friend! And they are so crazy for each other that the moment they see each other they are giggling and then you see their parents dragging her back...

Anyway thanks all for your great advice

I realise I was intense and I need to relax thanks so much

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LolalovesLondon · 03/11/2020 07:19

Why are you ignoring posters when you don’t like their point of view OP?
Nobody has been unpleasant.

It sounds like this family are distancing themselves from you.

Houseofflu · 03/11/2020 10:52

the other girl is going around telling other kids not to play with my daughter as she is HER best friend!

This is very unhealthy. I think the other girls parents are doing the right thing. You should definitely encourage your dd to play with more children. Don't get to close to her best friend's family again. Friendship at this age is very unstable.

Hoppinggreen · 03/11/2020 10:56

I can’t imagine any reason at all why this family should be moving away from you

LondonGirl83 · 03/11/2020 11:50

my DD's 'best friend' is a bit possessive over my DD and her teacher is actively trying to encourage the other girl to make additional friends. My daughter has lots of other friends and was feeling a bit annoyed by the fact her best friend didn't want her playing with other people which is why the teacher intervened. The girls still play together at school and on playdates in our case but it might be the school who has suggested something to the other girls parents.

Either way, it's all very normal. Don't get too invested or too upset. Just arrange other playdates as you have been doing and perhaps ask the teacher if you'd like some adult perspective on what's going on.

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