Not well off and worried about bullying at private school

[Pansyt77]

Our 6 year old is at our local prep, we picked it because the classroom environment was second to none. In the grand scheme of things we have a good household income - but not multiple 6 figures, I'm a SAHM and we live in a flat. A few people (not in the private school system mind you) have said our child is likely to be bullied as we are clearly less well off than the other families. Have I made a horrible mistake? Is bullying common for less well off students? We had the choice between a bigger house and the school and we picked the school but am now worried we are in a bit of a 'sweet' period and the financial difference will become really clear.

No not at all, my daughter was privately educated all the way through, at the start we were the skint ones.

Only the parents give a fuck, children don’t care how much money your mum and dad have,

Our DD did 9 years in private prep.

There was any number of incomes, job roles, family types etc etc.

In our experience certainly no-one batted an eyelid.

Seven years in the independent sector and not even a hint of bullying because of wealth. You would be surprised at the wide range of incomes at private schools - some grandparents pay fees, single parents, the “stretched middle”, those who really go without, those who are comfortable and a few who are totally minted (some of whom are more discreet about it than others).

It has honestly never been a problem.

Only the parents give a fuck, children don’t care how much money your mum and dad have

I wouldn't assume that is the case at all schools, I have a friend who moved her DD because she was bullied, in part because of the difference in income between her single mum and the wealthy parents. Imo it's a bit unrealistic to think that children dont notice especially as they get older.

No one can tell you what will happen in the future, any child might be bullied in any school, there aren't any guarantees.

My two dcs go to private school. I was worried we wouldn't fit in as we are comfortable but not well off. But it's been fine, no one really talks about money. I have been pleasantly surprised at how down to earth people are. There is a wide range of people too, some seriously minted (yes they play it down lots more than the others) some do multiple holidays a year, own several homes etc, some like us and some who do Uk holidays and don't seem to have a massive income. It's very broad.

I’m a single mum and managed to struggle to put my daughter through Prep for various reasons I don’t wish to bore people with, in my experience the ones with ‘old’ money from old families didn’t give a damn, drive cars as crap as mine and treated everyone pretty much the same, we did experience some issues, one from the Vicars daughter who was horrid to my daughter because I was not married so not money related. And one mother who’s husband was a successful self made man tried her best to belittle us, it didn’t last long though mainly because others realised what a nob she was and avoided her but she did try.

Agree with this

No one can tell you what will happen in the future, any child might be bullied in any school, there aren't any guarantees from @coconuttelegraph

We never found this. Quite a bit of income disparity - people who pay the fees with money they just have lying around, and people who scrape it together from family, loans, scrimping and saving. We’re at the lower end of the independent school income scale (my father is helping) and there are definitely people with smaller/less nice houses or flats than ours and the kids don’t care. It can vary by school though - there’s certainly at least one school here where being on a lower income might be uncomfortable if you are self-conscious, but you’d know that a mile off (although again the kids probably don’t care).

If your child wanders around saying “Mummy says we can’t afford XYZ” all the time they might draw needless attention to it, but if you teach them properly not to discuss money it shouldn’t be an issue.

HUGE range of incomes at DC’s school, from those with large estates, high flying jobs or their own successful businesses, to people living in modest homes and driving old cars, and who are stretching themselves as they think it’s the best fit for their child. The kids all play together and don’t care, and parents often socialise. You do get the odd idiot parent, as you would in any school, but on the whole we’ve found the school brilliant and the other parents welcoming. We are one of those stretching ourselves (additional needs and it’s a great place for support), and I do notice some differences eg for holidays we can’t go away at all, when others are off on 5 holidays a year etc. Ditto we can’t go out for meals all the time. But DC understand everyone’s circumstances are different, and are thriving there. And their friends seem happy with picnics and games when here.

A few people may care but most really don’t. If you think you have picked the best school for your child (and I’m including pastoral care and general ethos, as well as academics) and that you can still maintain a lifestyle that isn’t miserable due to financial hardship, then just choose what you think is right. If there was a local state school that could cope with the needs we have I’d of used it, but there isn’t (and we can’t move). But no one seems to mind us being less well off.

(NB If the parents or kids are like that, then I’d suggest it’s the wrong school)

I think a lot of people assume kids at private school must all have loaded parents, it’s really not the case.

Yes you get the wealthy, many of the squeezed middle, kids whose parents scrimp and save, teachers kids on discounts, kids on bursaries and scholarships etc.

Kids like each other for who they are. How much money a parent has doesn’t come into it. It’s always the parents who have hang ups about this shit.

Ten years with children in the independent sector, and there are genuinely people of all incomes in fee-paying schools, without issues. Lots of fees in our prep were paid for by extended family, some from bursaries, some families drive Suzukis and dacias, others drive supercars to drop off...

There will always be some children that like to show off regardless of their parents actual wealth (how many visits a month to KFC/McDonald's was a hotly contested battle at one point ) but those children are in all schools, not just the independent sector.

From my experience, it depends on the school. There are many private schools full of students whose parents have made multiple sacrifices to be able to afford the fees and are sending them for reasons like you stated.

There are also others which are full of much wealthier children and the less wealthy do stand out.

We are also comfortable but not wealthy and considering private prep for the same reasons as you. I am looking at the schools carefully for the same reasons and seeing exactly where all the leavers go - I don't want to send my child somewhere that everyone else will go onto an expensive private secondary when I am planning to state educate at that point.

I agree with posters above that children don't care - as a child, I never used to think about which one of my friends had a nicer house or toys, I liked them for them. Parents can influence their children though which is what makes me wary of the private schools where all parents are wealthy

We sent our kids to private. We weren't the incredibly rich people who the £4000 fees a month were just a drop in the ocean. Or the football players. Who easily could afford the fees.

It was 50/50 at our school. Like I said we had England footballers. We also had rock stars kids.

But then we had the really hard working people who struggled each month. Or didn't have luxuries so they could send their kids.

Bullying can happen in any school. The important thing is how the school deals with it. Ask them. If they say they have no bullying they are lying.

I think bullies pick on a victim’s perceived weak point. That could be family income. But it is just as likely to be appearance (height, size, hair colour, teeth etc), religion, type of pet, etc. Bullies go through a list of potential weak points until they find the one that really hurts their target.

Your DD is only likely to interpret comments about family income as hurtful if she has internalised the idea that coming from a family with a lower income makes her inferior. Try to make sure she does not see it like that. Show her how most really successful people are self made. They work hard and seize the opportunities that they are given.

Our DC goes to an independent and we are from a very ordinary background, but able to afford the fees. There is bullying at my child's school, and my child has been bullied. That being said, in no way do I think it was down to any perceived disparity in income or displayed wealth. I think the reason it happened was the same as would have happened in any school, so partly because of the other kid passing bullying behaviour down the chain and partly because my child is very gentle and not knowing quite how to stand up for themselves. If we switched schools - whether indy or state - I think the same scenario could arise again.

I emailed DC's teacher straight away and her response was immediate in speaking to the child concerned, to my child for reassurance, and to the class in general about being kind.

I've also see attempted ganging up against another child - but again nothing to do with wealth but more that child's vulnerability. I spoke to the Head (always there on meet & greet) and she spoke to the instigator straight away.

I think that this is the best you can hope for in any school.

Thanks for replies everyone. Our experience so far has been really positive, with only one parent noticeably giving me and the other less well off families a wide berth. DC is best friends with a family who I'd describe as 'Richard Curtis movie rich' - all extended family live around Notting Hill etc, but really down to earth normal people who have day to day lives pretty much the same as ours.

Both DH and I suffered some bullying at school, I expect most people do to some extent. We picked a school with excellent pastoral care and will be looking for the same in our next school.

It depends on the school and the cohort I suppose
We are in Yorkshire so no oligarchs or bankers at DDs school, mostly business people, professionals ( teachers, accountants, doctors etc)
There are a few very wealthy families but there’s never been any bullying I’m aware of due to lack of income and DD says that being too flash really isn’t cool. One or 2 parents I’ve come across are a bit of a pain in the arse but the kids don’t seem to care

I went to private school on a bursary from 8-18. Single parent household and my mum worked as a cleaner for most of that time. I was never bullied for being poor or for any other reason. The same for the other kids on bursaries. This was the north west with lot's of self-made parents, so quite a down to earth school.

Many, many, years ago, I had to be moved from a state school into a private school because I was being badly bullied for being a nice, well spoken "posh" girl. Also because I had a big nose. Sadly bullying works all ways, and is always there in any school or workplace.

My DD's private schools have had a very wide mix of parents. Some on scholarships and bursaries, most middle of road, some very wealthy. I have never heard of bullying due to money, other things yes, but not wealth interestingly.

I went to a private school (left 12years ago). Yes we sort of did understand/ take some slight interest in our classmates' families and who was super rich (who might take us with them on their next luxurious holiday!!). But there was no bullying, it was just mild curiosity.

Having said that, things like school ski trips seemed to divide the wealthy from the less so. Who had the best equipment/ skills / knowledge of the alps. Blah blah.

No bullying issues at all for us (we are in the lower 1/3 income bracket).
We had issues at an activity though where kids from one of the local primaries (with a massive bullying problem that they can’t get under control) bullied the five kids from preps and a local faith school. It got sorted quickly though.
Its really about the school ethos (other local primary’s don’t have this issue, but we have one that has multiple issues around, and most of the local kids go to it).

I went to a private school and I was incredibly “poor” compared to everyone else and I can assure you, my time in education was spent listening to children emulating their snot nosed parents who considered themselves to be better than me and mine.
But....I wasn’t bullied per se (although I’m not sure if that was because I would stand up for myself) and today’s schools / most parents are very hot on preventing and stopping bullying in its tracks. Far more than in the mid nineties so no... you haven’t made a mistake. If you can afford to send them there then they are no different than any other child within the school.

I think, if your income is in the bottom 20% at some schools, your DC might well notice they are the poor relations. Some DC don’t deal with this well. It’s up to you to help them ignore what they cannot have. At prep I think DC are friends with whom they wish to be friends with. At senior level DC seek out like minded people who know the same group of friends. It’s a bit more cliquey. It’s not bullying - it’s just that interests and money can spark divides. For example shooting pheasants, sailing, playing polo and other expensive hobbies will be ensure some DC gel. Others won’t be involved.

I've been to both private (when we had no money and gp inheritance paid) and state school (when parents had made a reasonable amount of money but location changed). I don't ever remember anyone ever getting bullied for being poor (or rich). There were quite a few of us in those sorts of circumstances.

But as an aside, I think if people are going to be bullies they will find anything to use as a weapon so I wouldn't rule it out. Equally bullies at a state school would just bully about something else.

Whilst I haven’t seen evidence of bullying there’s a lot of bragging. Not intentionally but certainly many of the children had a very high standard of living and could unintentionally hurt children’s feelings “why haven’t you been skiing you should ask your mum if you can go it’s really fun” “I’m getting new football boots, they’re £100” “everyone has a bike” “come to my house to play, our garden is massive and my dad said we can play on his quad bike”.

We were / are middle of the income bracket at Prep so my kids are able to do most things without a problem but definitely taking things for granted is a feature of all 3 of the prep schools I’ve experienced