How friendly are you with the parents of your child's school friends?

[Firecracker2019]

Just curious to know as I don't feel I've made as many friends through my child being at school as I hoped I would. I'm also starting to feel like I've missed the boat with some people even though our kids are friends in school as they seem to have little interest in becoming friends anymore and we seem to talk less not more as time goes on.
There are a couple of my child's closer friends whose mums I would happily ask a favour of and would do the same for in return and we've hosted and been on play dates with the kids but I wouldn't ever go out socially with any of them. Can't see how that would ever arise.

I guess a lot depends on the age of the child(ren), your working pattern and the amount you're at school, how big the school is, how long your child has been there etc.

Maybe it all changes once they start secondary too?

Not lonely and have plenty of friends and people to chat to at school and outside, just not really many whose kids are friends with mine.

Secondary is even less sociable. If you are looking for friends, you probably need to do it aside from your child at this stage.
My own experience, I made mum friends at the baby/toddler/reception stage, but once they became more independent, I rarely made friends through my DC.

Eldest: excellent parent friends made at primary, none at secondary.
Middle: some parent friends, nice people, not v close, all outer circle made at primary.
Youngest: do I know you from somewhere you look familiar? Oh you have a toddler how inconvenient.

I'm not.

I'm not a sociable creature though and deliberately distance myself from people that I have no need to speak to because I don't like making small talk.

I'm more feeling like I've let me kids down my not managing to make reasonable friendships or even acquaintances with the parents of their friends. I think they lose out at times when things get arranged.

None, I say hello and ask about weekends and things but that's as far as it goes.

Agree secondary is very unsocial. Too big.

I've made one good friend from primary. And loads of others who is happily chat / go for a drink / have coffee with. But DS also did an out of school activity with a lot of them which helped.

I think it's luck of the draw in that respect. I know and envy a few people who are very close with the mum's of their kids' group of friends. They go on days out together etc and it works really well.

Just as often though the parents are not people you'd naturally be friends with so it just doesn't happen. You can still have play dates and take each other's kids out places just not all together with mums too.

My DC1 has SEN and I am friends with a few parents (a couple very close) where our DC are not really that friendly. On the other hand, after raising an incident with the school about one family a few of them now blank me (or as another mum said, wow look how she's giving you a look).
My DC2 is more conventionally friendly and I have 2 or 3 friends also quite close with parents in that year (one is close enough that we are sounding boards for each other about a wide range of things) where she IS friends with the child.
None of them invite me on mums' nights out or all of us on family outings. Oddly I have a group of friends from baby days (friend A and I met friends B through H at baby sensory, friends A through D met friends I through K at the school all their DCs go to) and they do invite me on the odd mums' night out.

Quite a few. Possibly because DH and I were both active with PTA/preschool committee/governor stuff on and off. We were really lucky to find a lot of very sociable, like-minded parents. It's a smallish village anyway so social life is fairly contained.

Since DS went to middle school in a nearby town (year 5 onwards) I haven't met any of his new friends' parents. DS gets the bus to school so there's no school gate and my PTA/governor years are behind me now. I can barely remember his teachers' names nowadays.

None. It has never interested me. I’m always surprised when I read on mumsnet about all the WhatsApp groups etc people are in with ‘school mums’, none of that here.

Bit luck of the draw what cohort you end up with. One of my kids I have a lot of friends among the school parents of the rest of the class (apart from one whose mother is such a snob she really won't give anyone she sees as "less" than her the time of day and unfortunately the kids are still magnetically attracted to each other), and the other year group I've tried and tried to break down the barriers - but there's still such a die hard clique I've given up now.

Did the PTA and governor stuff with both kids as well so it's not that - it's just a problem on an ongoing level with that group of parents. The kids are a lovely little bunch.

Firecracker: I know exactly what you mean. I know my DDs missed out on lots of things other parents arranged, including parties and days out. In the end, we changed schools (y4 for DD2 and DD1 went to a boarding school in y7 to make friends) - that is how desperate we were! If your face does not fit, it does not fit.

I found people made friends at baby groups, nurseries and came to school with a ready made group of friends and access was tightly controlled. We socialised with one family in dd1s year group. Other friends did not have DC in our year group but I met them through the Friends Association. It was the only route that worked for me. Could you try that? I am afraid other parents will only want their crowd and it is so hard to be invited in.

At my DD's school there is no PTA/Friend's Association (the HT is quite controlling, the gossip says, and I can confirm).

At my DS' former school, there was a PTA and various class Whatsapp groups, and I wasn't invited to the latter (and though I donated things to the former I was also not invited though frankly I probably didn't have the time to do things). The Whatsapp groups were used to gather complaints against my DS; it's very easy for such a group to become negative.

I know 1 of dd friends parents, the others i could pass in the street and not know unless dd said hello
Ive never been the hang around to chat kind. In and out when we dropped dd off, now she catches school bus and i rarely step foot on school grounds

Made loads of friends with other parents of kids in the same year as DS1, as they all went through nursery and primary together and I used to see them all at school gate/ sports events etc. For a lot of them their child was also their first child, so there was a lot of shared experience etc.

For second child - not so much, as I had DS's friends' parents by then and didn't need more! Good friends were ones where they had children in both the same school years i.e. same age difference as mine.
By secondary level I wasn't in touch with so many of them and didn't see them as DS1 didn't do sport or anything. It seems the parents who are closest are those that spend every Sat/Sun on the side of a football/rugby/ hockey pitch together!

Second child has sometimes complained about why I'm not friends with his friends' parents, and yes, I do think he sometimes misses out, but he is fickle with friendships and I'd never keep up. My good friends are now mostly those with shared interests through my hobbies etc.

To be honest, the large groups where all the kids and parents have known each other and socialised from the year zero/ gone on holidays together etc always seem to be the ones embroiled in some sort of drama and falling outs! Best steer well clear

I’ve been lucky enough to make 3 or 4 really good friends but it took a couple of years (we are risking a short break together this summer). We go on loads of days/nights out, we’re not exclusive and would love more people to come but they always dropped out last minute and no one else ever organised anything so we presumed they weren’t interested and stopped and just do things in our group now.

I think you’ve got to put yourself out there and try organising things - I say that as the main organiser - people may say no but it’s the only way to try to move friendships on.

Total luck of the draw really - some classes are way more sociable than others. I've found a lot depends on the strength of friendships formed already - certainly in one of my DC's classes we had a very high number of siblings whose parents were close friends already, and another one they have all come up from playgroup/ NCT together and a lot of them hang around together already.

No one is unfriendly, but it's pretty difficult to form deeper friendships.

It's completely luck - which tbh if what you might think; there is no reason you should become friends with someone if the only thing you have in common is a child of the same age.

I made no friends in DS's year and a handful of "friendli-ish" people in DD's year. The people who are good friends tend to have known each other before and/or have something in common outside of school and/or be SAHMs and very sociable!

Once you get past about Y1, the DC will want to do things with their friends, not the friends of their parents, so I doubt you not being friends with parents will make any difference. It is a good idea to remain on pleasant/friendly terms so you can organise things like sharing lifts.

Secondary school is a black box; you're lucky if you even meet your children's friends' parents

I've found the friendships are a bit one dimensional. When the kids drift off so do the parents. It's only ever been superficial chats anyway.

I've got one really good school friend and I socialise with some for a mums night out kind of thing but I like to keep myself to myself tbh. My youngest starts school in September so maybe I'll make some new friends.

Quite friendly but not as good friendships as old friends from school. When your kids go to secondary school it's interesting to see who sticks around.

I have 3 very good friends through children, they’d be your 2am friends then lots of others that I’d meet for a run, coffee, drink etc. They are spread over all 3 of my children, I’m not a particularly social person and I like my own company but I’ve always been chatty and happy to get involved in school life so I’ve picked up a lot of friends of various levels along the way.

I’ve also picked up some people that I’d rather not have to deal with but that’s life!

I invited other DC round. I tried to talk to the parents. I put myself “out there” in a reasonable not “in your face” way. I was a SAHM. I did have time. The only time anyone wanted to see me was when they were trying to flog something! It’s disheartening. I got invited to coffee by various parents when they found out DD1 wasn’t going to the grammar with their DDs but had decided to board. They obviously wanted to interrogate me! At least when DD2 went to prep school, my DD was included (even in holidays) and no cliques among parents that were obvious and exclusive. We, at least, felt included.

Not in primary school as my DD hasn't started yet but I've made quite a few from maternity leave / NCT / nursery. I'd say in total about 10 mum friends who my DD is still friends with that I also go out with socially without the children. Others who I we do playdates and parties but nothing else.

I think there is a difference between being 'friendly' - 'getting on' , 'helping one another out' etc. - which it seems you have, and 'being friends independent of your dc'.

I've have 3dc - all adults now. If I see any of my dcs' friends from Primary school's parents out and about anywhere, then we stop and chat and ask how one another is, how the dc are, etc., but they aren't friends independent of the dc.

dcs 1 and 3 have always had friends, but no 'one friend' throughout school. dc2 stayed with the same group of friends for the whole of Primary - I knew her friends' parents better, but still as being the parents of friends. We don't socialise.

Secondary you don't usually even meet the friends' parents.