would you send a child like this to private school? (If you could?)

[Loopyloopy1]

DC is in year 1 and has never liked school. He’s an enthusiastic reader, and likes learning, but finds the amount of kids really overwhelming, especially the hectic boisterous ones. He’s very sensitive and very shy and cries almost every day when he gets home for one reason or another. I’ve been in and had meetings at school, nothing is going on. (I actually think he’s just quite a shy person and schools are places for extroverts!)

We live in London and he goes to a normal primary (ie: two form entry) and we’re moving house soon (sold, debating where to go).

I am considering putting him in a very small private school (which has a place, he has been on the list for ages, even though we were never sure about that route) rather than another big state school.

It’ll be pretty hard financially, but we could just about do it.

What would you do? I know he’d prefer a smaller school, but I’m worried a small school won’t set him up for the real world and it will cosset him a little!

In a heartbeat but I wouldn't choose a tiny private school. I choose one with a class size of 12-18. Being stressed at age 6 and not getting your needs met doesn't prepare anyone for anything and it certainly doesn't breed resilience. If you can afford it I absolutely would.

Yeah I’m genuinely worried that he’s becoming an anxious person

I speak to other parents and they say it’s normal. So I’m never sure if I’m being overprotective! And his school say he’s fine, got friends, joins in, is happy.

It’s so confusing!

This private school has class sizes of about 10.

Why not, if you can manage it?

And it needn’t be forever. After a few years of having his confidence built up in a gentler environment he may well be ready to move to somewhere a little less sequestered.

(And I’m sure that, at the same time, you’ll be encouraging him in extra-curricular activities. Find something he’s good at. That should help too.)

10 is rather small! (Friends, sport, orchestra, choirs etc??)

Is the school financially secure?

I would if I had the opportunity I am very lucky though as dd goes to a small village school, there’s 8 in her actual class although they share a room with another year group too so there’s 24 altogether! There’s about 100 in the school altogether.

I agree with Agnus. Yes I'd go down the private school route (which I did. Financially v hard but worth every penny) but look for some where with slightly bigger classes than 10 (15-20).

In addition to what Agnus said if the class is very small your child may struggle to find someone to click with as you have cut down on the pool of potential friends. Is it co ed? If it is you may end up in a class where all the boys are football mad and yours isn't (or vice versa) and all the girls are also sticking together and don't want to play with boys.

I have gone to both private and state but in NZ. Admittedly it’s a boarding school. But I don’t think a small private is better for a shy child. The groups were very cliquey and bullying was terrible.

I think it’s just about finding the right school. I will pay for private for better extra curricular activities, better confidence, better exam results. Those are important. But friendship groups are different.

What did he say? Did he say he hates school? My DC 8 took a while to establish a friendship group. I remember her complaining about her best friend played with someone else etc etc. She only really settled into a group in year 1.

I would do it. High anxiety levels at 6 won’t do him any good. A small, nurturing school will be a better environment and he will blosssom eventually. Lack of orchestra wouldn’t be my priority in this instance.

It’d be worth checking the finances of the school. However, in my area there’s one set up like that, very homely, tiny classes, has been running for 90 years and not struggling financially despite charging only 3k a term in London.

Class size 10 is very small. Especially if it’s co-ed. You could end up with only 4 other boys to make friends with.

Just make sure the children get to mingle with other year groups and get your son into activities outside the school to keep him around more people/potential friends.

The problem with classes that small is that there's actually less chance to make friends. Plus, depending on the school, some private schools aren't that skilled at accommodating or reassuring anxious children. I have an anxious DC and imo the ethos of the school is more important than the class sizes.

That’s interesting - I hadn’t thought about the smaller pool of potential friends!

I haven’t spoken to him about moving schools, I think that would scare him a bit. But he says he likes school, though he cries in the morning when he has to go (about 2/5 days in the week) and is moody when he gets home.

I know there isn’t any bullying going on as we’ve had so many talks about what’s going on there and I’ve been in to speak to teachers etc, so my take is that he finds a big city school really overwhelming. He doesn’t like big crowds anywhere - not a fan of big parties etc. His fantasy place to live would be the countryside or the beach, he says!

Is he tired / getting enough sleep etc? Sounds like he is happy when there but would rather just chill at home. 2 form entry isn't a big school. 4/5/6 form entry are big primaries and getting more common.
I do think kids have to get used to life especially if you live in London myself.
In a class of 10 you could find that it was e.g. 6 girlie girls and 4 boistrous boys and he ends up with no friends. There's very limited friends in tiny schools.
Also - Only go down that route if you can honestly afford private secondary in London which is way more.

Is he summer born too?

He is summer born! (Well, May, so spring.) And to be honest, he probably doesn’t get enough sleep. He’s a night owl so I’m constantly going back in and gently taking his book away at 9pm (when he’d been put to bed an hour earlier - he reads with his nightlight on). He wakes at 7:30/8am, but that might not be enough?

My son sounds very similar.

We moved from London to a village 2 hours away. He now goes to the very nurturing village primary with 24 children in his year. He is like a different child. The transformation was almost instant.

It may not be that private is the answer, could just be a smaller school in a small local environment (our village has 1000 people in total!).

Worth considering as going private could, as others have said, not help if it's not the nurturing environment/culture he needs.

If Hes May born he's young for the year so may be struggling socially if there are lots of older more confident children. My DS is autumn born and the differences are massive in YrR and Yr1 although it evens out at Yr3. Crying after school sounds like he's exhausted to me. Do you feed him as soon as you pick him up mid afternoon or is he going to afterschool etc? My DC both need feeding and a big drink at pick up.
Some kids find school exhausting, especially if they are concentrating hard and behaving. I think most Yr1 DC would be asleep by 8 tbh.
I know a lot of friends who still had 7.30pm lights out at that age.

So good to hear the transformation was instant for you! And that a different environment did help your son. That’s my big hope.

We’re definitely Londoners - family here, work commitments, neither of us want a big commute. But would love to find the equivalent of a nurturing, small space if I can!

I’m definitely put off by the small number in the private school he could go to now - also it’s not very green and quite polluted. Lovely atmosphere, though. Ahh! Tricky!

He’s horrible if I don’t stuff a sandwich in his mouth at 3:30 pickup (he doesn’t do after school club. I tried it once for a few weeks one day a week, and he begged me to quit so I rearranged work - I’m self employed so it was easy enough). So he’s very hangry after school! That hanger doesn’t go away until tea time. (He sniffs around for snacks until I give him tea, then he has seconds an hour later. He probably doesn’t eat properly at school!)

Okay I am going to get stricter on bed time. I did suspect he doesn’t get enough. Maybe if I start the whole thing at 7 or 7:30, he’d still get than hour of reading / playing in bed up until 8 / 8:30 that he seems to need to wind down.

I went to a school with small classes. I’m 100% real world friendly. Why wouldn’t I be? Most social interactions like meetings at work, parties etc never have more than 15 people involved in one conversation at a time anyway. What I’m not comfortable with however is a room full of 30 six year olds. I fail to see how anyone ever could be and I wouldn’t subject a child to it on a daily basis.

I moved a similar child from a two form entry school to a single form entry, both state. It didn't make much difference as the peer group at the single form school was very boisterous and there was a more limited pool of friends. I think, however, if your child is unhappy and you can manage the finances you may regret not giving it a go.

I think a strict regime to help him is worth a go tbh. Up and drink / decent non sugary breakfast. Ask school if he eats much. Feed him loads after school and maybe then a smaller tea? Try milk too and bananas. Bed and lights out at 8.30 then nudge earlier. Two weeks will show if it helps.

Tell us where in london or start another thread in education and you'll get lots of ideas for schools

I would consider making a change to a school with a more peaceful atmosphere if you can. And read the book ‘Quiet’ by Susan Cain. He probably needs lots of downtime at home to process everything.

He is summer born! (Well, May, so spring.) And to be honest, he probably doesn’t get enough sleep. He’s a night owl so I’m constantly going back in and gently taking his book away at 9pm (when he’d been put to bed an hour earlier - he reads with his nightlight on). He wakes at 7:30/8am, but that might not be enough?

At that age mine were in bed going to sleep by 7:30. Getting up around 7:30/8. I think you could try and earlier bed time and see how he gets on with that. Whichever school he ends up at, that might be important.