Tapestry makes my child look alone

[Mumof21989]

Hi everyone. My child is good at school and well behaved but taking a while to get engaged properly with the other children and the activities. I feel sorry for her because she did not do alot of nursery and I feel she was home with me most of her first four years. She seems to like school but is in a world of her own sometimes and not that good at team work yet.

She got a merit this week for doing some good cutting out and apparently she has been more chatty. They also did a special stem week and the children did two team activities where they had to build things. I've just been sent the pictures on the tapestry and she looks like she's not involved in her team of four. She's just stood there. Then on another she's not even looking the same way as the other kids and is not quite sat in the circle. On another she's the only one not looking at the camera. Then on one they managed to get her to smile and look the right way.

Then she got a merit and has beans allover her chin from dinner on the picture. I sent her with wipes and they still don't get her to wipe her mouth.

Then there's a group photo of 32 kids. Loads of smiley kids waving and my DD is right at the back at the end with half her face out the picture. Sighhh.

She is mixing a little and she does have a couple of friends that talk to her in the mornings. She seems to mention the odd child but when I see she's always the one alone, not helping or at the back I feel sad that the teachers are not plonking her in the middle sometimes. Is this normal after six weeks?

I don't think theres anything wrong with her like autism etc. She has none of the signs. She's just reserved and shy.

Sorry OP how old is she?
I completely understand your worries.

It took a good couple of months for DD to settle at school (I'm assuming she is reception), she was also shy and also didn't spend a huge amount of time in nurseries etc, she was mostly at home with me. She was not alone in this, I walk past the school a lot and always see a significant proportion of children playing by themselves in the first months. School is a big shock to the system, they are incredibly tired and need time to adjust. Children at nurseries adapt a bit faster, but they all get there in the end.

My advice would be to start inviting kids home to play. This speeds up the process a lot, sometimes it will be a disaster though! Also get her doing an out of school activity so she isn't reliant on kids at school for friendship.

My shy and quiet DD is still shy and quiet at 14, she is never the kid in the centre of a massive group, she is always on the edges or off on her own. But once she has made a friend she keeps them, she has a reputation for being reliable, loyal and calm. She trie

It's early days, the teacher will be evaluating all the children, but with 32 of them it takes a while! They try not to push the children out of their comfort zones too much at the beginning because it can spark tears and school refusal if the child doesn't want it.

Thanks. She is in reception yes. She is definitely shy but always seems happy enough to go. As far as she is aware she does great and has lots of friends but the teacher said she is abit of a loner and they are encouraging her away from the art table (she would stay there all day) I wrote a post about that the other day too.

She goes swimming every Saturday and she's in a group of six at swimming. She's quiet there too but likes going. She's not overly confident but has started to swim without the teacher holding her which is great.

I wish I could get her to get involved abit more but I also feel she has done amazing to cope 30 hours a week for 6 weeks without me. She only did 14 hours of nursery for 10 months and only 6 hours for 4 months as I cut her down as she was never there due to illness.

I just fear she will become the strange child that doesn't talk etc. I know kids can be mean these days and I want her to have friendships.

We also have national trust cards and we have a fantastic outdoor play area around the corner and she plays there alot alongside other children. I hope by January she has settled in more and feels part of it.

When we went to her nursery graduation in July she was the only child who did not dance or want to join in with the entertainer games. I got her a beautiful dress and new shoes. She just wanted to stay with us. She wasn't crying or worried just refused to take any interest in what the kids were doing.

What do you think the signs of autism are?

Not liking changes in routine
Lining up toys
Being distressed at loud noises
Not responding to name
Not able to make friends easily
Not having empathy
Not making eye contact
Repetitive movements
Heightened tastes and smells
Aggressive behaviours
Resisting cuddles etc
Not looking at what parents are looking at etc
Talks in one time of voice
Delayed speech or not able to speak full sentences
Lacking facial expressions
Inappropriate social skills
Obsessive over a particular subject.

These are some of the things listed and my DD is fine with these things. Yes she loves art and is abit socially shy but I don't think she is autistic for those reasons. She is perfectly able to play with her friends out of school. She has cousins etc she can boss about and lead. She likes role play,dolls, art, parks, swimming, a range of films and programs, baking.

She shares her sweets, she loves hugs, she makes eye contact, was talking young and very clearly. She is happy in random routines and does not get upset by change. She never hurts others. She cries when she's hurt. She is concerned when people fall over. She makes eye contact. She is messy and is not obsessed with things being a certain way. Noises don't bother her. She just struggles in bigger settings.

Is your child happy?
First of all photos are a snapshot of time- anything could have been happening before or after.
Second of all what looks sad to you might actually be that your child is perfectly happy.
Talk to the teacher and see what they think?

My DD always freezes and looks awkward and terrified when they take those progress photos - she hates being the centre of attention. She has made friends (she'd older now, in year 5) and can do things in a group but she doesn't like group work much. Some people are just shy, introverted or just more independent - and I do think some teachers aren't very good at recognising that and see it as simply a failure to not join in. But being a bit of a loner isn't a failure.

I'm similar, I'm still introverted and not a team player to this day. It doesn't matter - I've built a career where I don't need to be. Your DD may be similar - maybe she'll be an artist! It's OK to gently encourage friendships and playdates etc but also be led by her and what makes her happy.

Not all children are vivacious, outgoing and enthusiastic about organised fun. Some are quiet and introverted, but have a rich imaginative and creative life. Dd won't join in unless she wants to but enjoys watching. She loves her own company and can happily entertain herself for hours. It's been hard but just accepting how she is has made it much easier. FWIW she is the norm rather than the outlier at her grammar school, where she is involved in all sorts of weird clubs!

Is she happy? That's what matters.

There were a couple of children like that when my ds started. It did take some bit of time but they are all in friend groups now in year 2. Many of the original friend groups have changed a bit over time too.

From personal experience I was that shy child. Cant remember primary children and teachers at all really as never made eye contact with anyone. I am fine now. Senior school was the change for me. However, I dont have bad memories at all of primary. I liked learning new things and was happy on my own.

Do you think your daughter is happy? If she is then try and relax, keep monitoring and speaking to the teachers and give her time.

If she hasn’t been to nursery for very long and hasn’t interacted with kids much outside of this then this is somewhat natural. Maybe have a word with the teacher to see if they think there’s a problem - though do be prepared for them to say no just because she’s quiet and well behaved!

As a PP suggested I think you should start getting more involved at school - arranging play dates etc to get her more comfortable with socialising. Is there a Rainbow’s or Beavers / Cubs near you? If so get her enrolled as that’s usually a great place to meet a whole variety of different kids.

Thanks all. We have said we will meet a girl in her class at the park over the half term. She does her swimming and school for now. Until she has settled more I don't think more clubs would work. She's shattered still after school and she can be moody and ready for food and PJ's. I will definitely get her involved more next year with clubs.

Even when it comes to other adults. We don't see our other family often at all. One side live an hour away and my side don't particularly out much effort it. I do take her to my mum's but my mum isn't very hands on with her. She's not a come for tea or sleepover grandma. I don't think she has socialised anywhere near as much as some kids. Saying that I took her to playgroups and baby groups and we met up with a child the same age most weeks from 9 months.

She seems happy. She likes going. She says she has friends and she plays etc. I think she is abit unaware of the fact she doesn't get stuck in like some of the others. I know they all have their own pace though. Maybe I'm over thinking it too much.

Maybe by January she will be much more settled xx

Don't wish to derail the thread, but my ds didn't really display any of the signs you've listed, but he now has an autism diagnosis.

However, it's very early days OP. She's only been at school for a few weeks. I'd say try and relax & let the dust settle a bit before you start to worry.

Just want to say I have 2 children (girls) with autism and they only have one sign each from your big list. You've listed the signs for stereotypical boys with autism. Not that I think your dd has autism, just I wouldn't rule it out.

If you don't mind me asking if your child isn't showing any of the signs then what makes them think he has autism? Hope you don't mind... I really think it's more anxiety and shyness as she is not consistant with it. For example at home or with her cousins she's relaxed chatty and open. If we are on a day out she's with it and interested and able to play in a playarea with another child.

She just seems to prefer smaller situations at the moment. X

Girls with autism tend to mimic more and while it may not be as obvious as boys with autism you would have a lot more issues at home as a result. Girls with autism in my family tend to have 2 seperate personalities - one for school and one for home. If she’s well behaved in both places then it’s likely just that she just needs to get used to the social changes at nursery

Hi OP, if that was to me, I don't think he has autism, he has been diagnosed as autistic.

I'm truly not implying that I think your daughter is, and as I said I don't wish to derail the thread.

Just take a bit of issue with your list.

I wish you the best. It's hard when you don't think they're happy.

Is likely a lot of these children will have known each other by being in the same nursery? If so, your DD is probably just finding her little tribe who she connects the most with and is probably a little side-lined as she doesn't feel she knows the other children as well and indeed the other children may feel they don't know her comfortably like they know their nursery friends.
I'd definitely be looking at the odd outside school playdate and chatting with the mum's and dad's at home time and drop off.
It's early days and the teachers will be encouraging her to find her feet in her own time. If they pushed her into it so to speak, it may make your DD unhappy and anxious as pp stated.

The problem is that autism is diagnosed in school mostly using boy symptoms and well behaved (at school) autistic girls won’t be identified UNLESS the parents mention the behaviour issues at home too. As I said it’s very obvious when you meet my neices that something isn’t right - but not as much so in school where they tend to pretend and copy other girls.

At the moment I wouldnt worry too much about your DC TBH! Lots of chldren take time to settle into new routines ,and many are quiet and a little shy .I would give her time to get used to her new surroundings .Reception is different from Nursery ,and there is a lot of emphasis on reading /writing and so on .

My daughter will happily play with other children and has many friends, but she is equally happy in her own world being creative.
If your daughter is happy, there is nothing to worry about.

I totally understand where you're coming from.
I used to look at photos from school and try and read the situation.
"Those two have their arms round each other, why is mine not doing that?"
"Why are they not with that group, when they say they work with them?"
All those worries. As a general rule, you've got a snap shot of one moment. They also tend to take them all at a time. So maybe if they'd taken them 5 minutes later it would have been your dc and another giggling together and another mum would be worrying that hers looked serious and not part of it

She's nearly at half term. Ask the teacher if you can have a little chat at some point, and ask how she's getting on with others. You can mention the photo and say that's what made you ask as she seemed to be separate.

My experience is that most children don't make close friendships in reception by this stage. They tend to be "best friends" with whoever they played with last. They started making stronger friendships in the summer term, but by no means all and even then they tended to be a bit fluid in most cases.

I know a lot of parents are scared if their children are shy or introverted but I don't think that's such a bad thing time.com/5373403/surprising-benefits-introvert/

My daughter is very similar to this, just started reception, happy to go in but reports she's on her own a lot. I'm trying not to worry (and failing a lot of the time!) she is shy and takes her a while to settle in with other kids.

It's really early days, and I'm trying not to project my feelings into her. It's hard.

Even the best run and organised reception classes are busy, noisy, crowded places. For a child who has been used to being at home, largely 1-2-1 with adults, in a quiet environment where every request, observation and comment is immediately noticed and responded to then getting used to the maelstrom of a free flow classroom takes time.

Your daughter has to negotiate many new relationships, with adults, with peers. Many new places, Classrooms, hallways, outside play areas, lunch rooms, toilets. Many new expectations, sitting quietly, sharing, tidying up. It is not surprising that she is taking a while to take it all in, especially as you say she is quite shy to start with and has had periods of illness.

To be honest the school sounds good, (STEM week yeah!!) , they are noticing her, observing what she likes doing, trying to encourage her to extend her range of activities, praising her for success , noting improved communication with others. They sound on the ball. Keep up the dialogue with her teachers so if there are concerns on either side you are both aware of them, but by and large keep doing what you are bothe doing.

I wouldn't start new activities at this time of year, the last half term of this term is a hard slog for everyone, and for a tired reception child even harder. Keep on with the swimming, get out in the fresh air at weekends, have good down times at home during the week.

She will make friends, but the friends she makes are probably in the same situation at the moment, a bit overwhelmed and a bit tired. Children's friendships are not set in stone, they are flexible, just because you don't have a best buddy at four doesn't mean you won't have one at five.

I wouldn't worry either, OP. I went to a stay and play at DS's Reception and lots of the children were playing happily on their own. Some were playing together, but lots were just doing their jigsaw or painting or whatever. I think in Reception particularly there's a huge range of children coming from a huge range of different places. It's a lot to take in, and though they do play together, they also get on with their own thing.
I agree that introverted and shy isn't necessarily the same thing as autism, and Reception after being with you mostly full time is a huge change. The fact that she's happy, goes in willingly every day, and says she has friends is really positive - that won't be the case for lots of the children there.
Inviting kids over for playdates is a good idea. Otherwise I'd take her at her word and try not to worry. She sounds like a lovely happy introverted little girl doing really well at coping with a big change.