Tapestry makes my child look alone

[Mumof21989]

Hi everyone. My child is good at school and well behaved but taking a while to get engaged properly with the other children and the activities. I feel sorry for her because she did not do alot of nursery and I feel she was home with me most of her first four years. She seems to like school but is in a world of her own sometimes and not that good at team work yet.

She got a merit this week for doing some good cutting out and apparently she has been more chatty. They also did a special stem week and the children did two team activities where they had to build things. I've just been sent the pictures on the tapestry and she looks like she's not involved in her team of four. She's just stood there. Then on another she's not even looking the same way as the other kids and is not quite sat in the circle. On another she's the only one not looking at the camera. Then on one they managed to get her to smile and look the right way.

Then she got a merit and has beans allover her chin from dinner on the picture. I sent her with wipes and they still don't get her to wipe her mouth.

Then there's a group photo of 32 kids. Loads of smiley kids waving and my DD is right at the back at the end with half her face out the picture. Sighhh.

She is mixing a little and she does have a couple of friends that talk to her in the mornings. She seems to mention the odd child but when I see she's always the one alone, not helping or at the back I feel sad that the teachers are not plonking her in the middle sometimes. Is this normal after six weeks?

I don't think theres anything wrong with her like autism etc. She has none of the signs. She's just reserved and shy.

She sounds lovely and you sound very tuned in to her. Watch and wait. Some people just take a long time to feel at home somewhere new. Like you say, she's doing well and shoving her into a load of clubs would be the wrong approach. I would also not push playdates either at the moment. She's only 4, it's such early days. Let her carry on finding her feet and see where she is in Feb.

She may be one of those children who never have a wide circle of friends, but who quietly find a best friend at some point.

I have an autistic child so it's the first thing I think of too, but this little girl is only a few weeks into reception without having done much nursery. There are plenty of NT 4 year olds around who have a lot of social skills still to acquire. It seems early to worry IMO.

I have a son who is “ unusual” . He used to really worry me in the first 3 years of school, it was as if he was on a bubble. He had a really odd learning style (that didn’t fit in well with assessment).
He is now 12, still a bit unusual( but then so am I!) but he seems to have a talent for friendship, which would have been totally impossible to predict.
All you can do with a kid like that is to totally have their back, let them settle into who they are, and not put them in situations that they find hard to handle.
If I push even slightly, everything takes so much longer.
Parenting him has been a study in watching some flower, and facilitating anything he is good at/ enjoys. ( apart from being online, obvs!)

It might also be worth considering that they are deliberately taking photos of her alone? My DS' preschool uses Tapestry but they are careful not to include other children in shot if not relevant, for privacy reasons. Would that be the case with your DD?

Thanks for all your encouraging replies. I will try not to worry until after Christmas. As you have all said she is happy and that's the main thing. It's good to know people have seen other children playing alone on stay and play days. I have images of all the girls talking and playing dolls together etc.

The other kids look with it more on tapestry. Not all the time. But I can see by my DD expression and where she is stood she's not busy on the team pictures. I'm able to see the other children too so it's not a privacy thing in this case.

She has been brought up so far in a quieter environment mostly. Some of that is because I can't drive. Some of it is our friends often are working. Some of it is family don't particularly come round for various reasons. I did my best to give her as much as I could before school. We had plenty of playgroup and park visits.

She is such a sweet girl. I also get the attitude at home though that nobody else really sees. The school do seem to be already onto helping her come out of her shell more and get involved more. I'm going to try ask her teacher every couple of weeks how she is doing. She said she could tell me after school every day what she had done but I have only asked twice as everyday is abit much to pester her when she's letting out a whole class.

Thanks again for all your opinions, stories and advice. I am feeling much better and less worried. Hopefully she will get there soon. ☺️

You sound like such a fab mum for her OP.

I was in DS's Reception this morning for ten minutes or so after the parents had gone, so I kept an eye out for you, OP. 18-20 kids, four doing phonics with the teacher, two sets of two and one set of three playing together, the rest playing on their own or independently next to another kid (eg two kids drawing on the art table but not talking to each other).

Thank you for looking, I appreciate that. That's good to know. It sounds like she's quieter than the average child then, but probably doing a little mixing aswel. I do feel much better about it. I expect that someone will want to be her friend as she's not horrible and maybe she will find a leader to play with soon. How is your child settling in?

I commented on your last thread about autism, so I don't want to bang a drum, but I just thought I'd say that DD2 (who has ASD) wouldn't have ticked too many of those things on the list, either. She caused no trouble at school, quiet. She played with a variety of toys. It was only when I had DD3 (DD1 has SEN), that I noticed the difference in the quality of her play. DD2 played quite functionally with toys (Dolly laid down in the bed; trains went around the track), whereas DD3 would engage with the toys and the toys did what she wanted them to.

It's a good idea to watch and wait, but at the same time, you're saying that you'll 'not worry' until after Christmas, but you clearly are worried because this is the second thread you started on it. I personally think that parents have good instincts and if you're worried, you shouldn't ignore that feeling.

Thank you for your reply. Yeah I am having days when I worry and days when all seems fine. It's just so hard to know if she is just shy at this stage or if she struggles to grasp things she should be grasping. The thing is I think she has been sheltered more than some kids as she's been at home alot. I know lots of children now socialise alot from one or two in a nursery setting. I think it's because I'm torn about it. I wish she was more able to concentrate but then that's possibly the shock of 30 hours of school. Let's face it we all day dream or stop listening sometimes. Then I am also thinking is she the only child not focused. Nobody in either side has ever had learning problems or behavioural problems so it would be the first child. I guess I'll no more as time goes on. I know it sounds ignorant and I don't mean it too. But I dont like the word autism. I don't like the idea of people saying that about her. That kids autistic etc. I just think kids are cruel now and if she gets diagnosed one day what will her life be like? Will everyone have to know? Will she improve in her teens? Will it limit her life and how people see her. I don't mean anything bad by it but I hate the idea of her struggling with everything and being picked on or not making friends. I know that's not necessarily going to be the case. I hope I don't sound silly.

My son is autistic and he loves the word "autism". Children get labelled anyway. Now he's labelled autistic rather than naughty, rude etc I think it's better on balance. And to him, autism also means being amazing at maths and having a staggeringly good memory for details.

On the other hand, a teacher friend of mine reckons there are quite a few kids who stay pretty much away with the fairies, through and even beyond infants. She reckons it's often a marker of a summer born, and is their reaction to not quite being able to cope with the demands made on them, but there's no reason why the same might not apply to an older late developer. I know some kids like this, including her own children. I think the main difference is they got gradually more with-it over the years, whereas my autistic son struggles more, and looks more different, every year.

I would say that the word Autism has become quite political. I mean, nobody in their right mind would resist a 'label' of diabetes/ diabetic - that label communicates vital information about the wellbeing of the individual. That's all that 'Autism' does, too. It tells you that the person with autism may not interpret what you take to be 'common sense' in the same way that you do.

DD2 used to get upset when a teacher said 'children you really must xxx, because she had done that, so why was she being told off? The teacher realised that DD2 was taking everything that was being said and applying it to her, because the teacher was very general in her address. She started to say 'yellow group, can you..' or "Joshua and Abigail, ..." and the problem stopped.

Other times, DD2 wouldn't realise that she was part of a group being given an instruction, so a quick "DD2, listen,... ok, we're all going to...' was really helpful.

DD2 didn't know how to initiate conversation, so she was given a little 'sentence starters' wheel, with some key phrases that she could start conversation with.

Sometimes really little things can have a huge impact.

Some children are just shy. My little girl was awful when she started school last year. She credit every single day on drop off from September until the following May. Every. Single. Day! It was soul destroying taking her in day after day with her walking in crying her eyes out.

She didn’t have any friends and tended to play alone. I was called in for a parents meeting where I was told she wouldn’t talk or interact in class and she would be starting year one behind her peers.

She’s now absolutely thriving in year one. I think she found the whole starting school and making friends just utterly overwhelming and then added to that her teacher really didn’t ‘get’ her. Her teacher tended to get frustrated with her crying every day and not answering questions in case she was wrong and this made DD withdraw into herself more and more.

She started year one with an absolutely lovable teacher and she’s thriving, she’s first in line every day has a little circle of friends and isn’t behind at all in class. I think it just took her a while to find her place at school. I hope your dd settles soon.

She cried every day not credit

DS's doing really well, thanks for asking. I would have been one of the kids on my own, for sure, but he's a lot more socially confident than I was.

Like PP said, if your child has autism it is going to affect her whether she has a diagnosis or not. Having one will help the adults in her life to work around her needs, and it will help her to know that she isn't naughty or stupid or weird, she just processes things in a different way.

She will always have autism, but as she gets older she will learn strategies to look after herself. Her friends won't necessarily need to know, but she may want to tell them - and it's a good thing if she does as it shows she's comfortable in herself. Every autistic person is different but many do live very successful lives. And autistic people can absolutely make friends!

I also agree with PP that being shy and withdrawn isn't a diagnostic indicator in itself. But if she does turn out to be autistic, it is not a disaster. She will still be her loveable self, you will just have extra tools to support her.

My own daughter sounds just like yours, nine years ago ! We went to a Reception event just before Christmas and they played a slideshow of the children, my dd was sitting at the class computer on her own in every shot. I asked them afterwards about it and they said all the photos were taken at the same time, although dd had different hairstyles in every shot . Anyway, she was very quiet in Reception and in year 1, but she was always happy, just reserved. In year two she really came out of her shell and found her feet, she turned into a little social butterfly. It took 2.5 years, and now, at the age of 13, she is quietly confident with a wicked sense of humour and lovely circle of friends. Children are all shapes and sizes and as long as your dd is happy, that’s the most positive thing, it will probably take her longer to feel at home, but there’s no harm in that.

Thanks everyone. You have all been so nice to me and thanks for sharing your own personal experiences. At this stage I think we need to just keep going don't we and see how she is next year. She has done so well to cope with no tears apart from one day.

I agree it can be the little things. Some teachers will be more understanding and patient. A child will definitely bloom with the right support.DD has a teacher with 26 years experience and I quite like her. She tells me about her own children which makes me think she does understand children from a mums point of view aswel as a teachers. The other reception teacher is wonderful too and I'd say around the age of 24. I think she is great but she's so nice and bubbly and excited all the time im kind of pleased DD doesn't have her. Having someone like her then perhaps getting a teacher less bouncy next year would be too much of a shock for my daughter I think. I think the experience of her current teacher is what she needs.

I agree with the comments about the word autism. You are absolutely right. It just covers a huge range of symptoms and children and I guess I fear people would judge her too soon. It's a good point that we wouldn't need to tell all the other mums and children if that day ever comes. We can support her without telling everyone. Especially if it's just mild. We went to her cousins today the same age. My DD didn't speak to the adults but I noticed she was talking to her cousin. In fact her cousin was the one being bossy and not sharing. It was a relief to see another child struggling with sharing. Helped me to see it's not necessarily anything more than an age thing. .. thank you so much again for being so kind and helping me unmuddle my head. It's a great place to get lots of opinions and I appreciate you all being so nice.

Some kids are just happy with their own company. my oldest definitely is, he likes some kids, but not crowds. he’s fine, just not an extrovert.