Help - 5 year old refusing school!

[pixiebell79]

Background

My wife is a stay at home mother, I work in London with a long commute. Our son (only child) had separation issues in pre-school. He would be extremely clingy at drop off. If separation was forced (i.e he was removed from my wife) this would make it worse. Drop-offs became progressively worse until we ended up taking him out of preschool.

Later after moving to a different county we managed to put him back into a different pre-school and he did well. There was a little separation anxiety at the beginning of reception, but he settled in well and ended up loving school. He has a number of friends and really thrived last year. The school were very happy with him.

What's happening now

He’s just entered year one and it hasn’t gone well. He seemed to have some issues with not understanding the new structure of the day and being concerned teachers would tell him off.

The separation anxiety has come back with full force. He became distressed at having to leave my wife in the morning. A few times at the classroom entrance the teacher took him away which lead to crying / clinging / the next morning being more difficult.

My wife was understandably pretty traumatised having to deal with this day after day. We’ve involved the school a lot. They’ve been great and we now have a TA meeting my wife in the school reception ever day for the handoff to remove the time pressure. Unfortunately this hasn’t really improved things. Sometimes he just needs a lot of reassurance / coaxing / redirection to leave her. Sometimes it’s more like he needs to be physically removed from her.

Having to deal with this every day has gotten on top of her and she no longer feels she can do school drop off.

Discussed resolutions

I’m planning to alternate working from home and coming in to work late so I can do drop off. The one time we tried this before, it turned into two separation events (one at the front door being separated from mum, one at the school being separated from me). I’m planning to ask my wife to simply stay in bed in the mornings in the hope of negating the “at the door” separation. This can probably only work in the short - medium term because of my work commitments.

We’ve discussed the long term psychological harm this could do to our son. I don’t know the answer to how much or how little that could be. I’d like us to see a therapist at least to discuss some approaches, put in context any possible long term harm which could be done and hopefully get pointers to a resolution.

We’ve also discussed our son becoming home schooled. My concern with this is that reintroduction into school (assuming he / we ever want it to happen) could be really difficult for many reasons, including that it could just bring back the separation anxiety.

We’ve also discussed whether this may be a case of ASD, but it seems a diagnosis would take a long time and it’s hard for me to see what extra help a diagnosis could give for this situation.

What I’m looking for here

Thanks in advance kind mums netters!

• I’m wondering if you have any advise on how to deal with this?

• What’s the best route to get some intervention from a therapist / other? (We’re in the Cambridge / Bedfordshire area, don’t mind paying privately)

Sorry to hear things are difficult.

I may have the wrong end of the stick, but it seems the focus is on the difficult handover, but not so much on your son's anxiety about the changes in Year 1. Has he been given a timetable? You could go through the daily class schedule and get him to smiley face or sad face activities and see if you can identify some specifics. also, could something be done to reassure him he's on track with class work - class Dojo system, or some kind of thumbs up system (depending on resources etc).

2 of mine have ASD. They were diagnosed as preschoolers. Support doesn't necessarily follow, as technically it's about need not diagnosis. But DS1 is now 14 and his specialist placement was dependent on a diagnosis. Something I couldn't have known when he was 3. Waiting lists tend to be long and you'd probably have plenty of time to drop out if you decide it's not what you want to pursue. Different areas have different routes do you'd need to make local enquiries.

I doubt you doing drop-offs will make it any easier, may even prolong his anxiety. It seems a very drastic step. Have you met the school Senco and discussed his issues, what support they currently offer (visual timetable for example) and any route to assessment. Is he at an independent school?

You can't let a 5-year-old decide that he doesn't want to go to school. It isn't an option. You as parents need to be consistent and firm about this.

Assuming no SN, then it is time for some tough love. He has to go to school whether he likes it or not, and your DW now getting distressed and upset by the whole thing is making it far worse as your DS is picking up on her emotions, which in turn are making him even more frantic.

Maybe take a week off work, and you do the school drop off every day. Be completely low key and matter-of-fact about it, hand him over and walk off with a cheery "Bye-bye, have a lovely day."

See if that makes a difference.

Best treatment (as in evidence-based, NICE approved) for childhood anxiety is CBT. It might be worth taking your son to the GP (it might not, the quality and availability of CAMHS services varies enormously around the country).

If you have the money for private I would strongly suggest you look for someone who offers "parent-led CBT". It's a relatively new version of CBT specifically for anxious children and has had some pretty promising/exciting results.

Make sure you go to someone with appropriate qualifications - they should be registered with the BABCP and/or HCPC. I'd also be looking for clear experience of working with children & families.

(wife posting here) we have talked to the school, including the SENCO person and the Inclusion person. I've put together a visual timetable for the week, and made a mini version for each day. I've talked him through each day and each session. He is generally fine until the moment of separation (although it is now creeping into leaving the house/getting in uniform etc). At which point he repeatedly comes back to hold on to me. When I ask him about it he enjoys school and the people, but just loves me and wants to be with me, in his words. It's just getting worse as time moves on, and we've pretty much run out of strategies, so are facing the prospect of him being prised off me every morning. Which is what is traumatising me.

I think you are engaging in too much discussion. He has no choice but you are allowing him to think he has one. Keep morning conversation light and positive about the day ahead. Make you day sound very dull in comparison. Tell him you are doing x where x is something he dislikes or not interested in, and you can do y (something he enjoys) afterwards.

My son is NT, y9 and August-born.

In y1 he wasn't happy about being dropped off for school- especially on the first day back after a break including weekends. He wasn't confident about going into school until mid/late y1 when he was more confident (mature) He learned to look forward to seeing friends (especially at playtime) and became more confident academically. How's your son doing in those areas?

I'd start by getting the timetable from school so that isn't a source of anxiety for him. Does he have a watch so he knows when home time is?

If he's enjoying school and there are no issues (ie no bullying which the school isn't addressing, etc) then what tactics have the school suggested? My DS was quite similar. We used a few different tactics. We were always clear that school was non-negotiable. But he could choose who took him in - myself or DH (it gives the DC ownership). The teacher (or in your case the TA who is doing the handover) would have a 'special job' that only DS could help her with in the morning (collecting notebooks, getting milk, etc, etc) so DS' focus was taken away from the separation and on to the 'task'. If it was a particularly bad morning, we'd just sit outside the class and have a little chat until he calmed down and felt happy to go in even if that meant he missed the first ten minutes of class.

Does the school have a breakfast club? I run a primary school breakfast club and have had a few successes with school refusers being brought to BC as a kind of softer start to the day. They could sit and 'help' ne do the register as children arrived and go off to play if and when they felt ready. It might be worth a try, especially if any of your little one's friends already use the breakfast club.

If he's settling and engaging in school life well after drop off, I'm not really sure *Home Ed is the way I'd go at this point. I do understand how awful it is to leave an upset child, but I think maybe see if he can be assigned a job, like giving out books to ease the physical transition to class.

*I'm not anti home ed and quite likely to home ed DS3. But my preference is for a school placement.

My son (also year 1) has anxiety issues, some surrounding school.

We saw a child psychologist who confirmed that he had some autistic traits but not likely to be sufficient for an ASD diagnosis.

The most important thing we took from those meetings was that allowing him to opt out of things due to anxiety was reinforcing the anxiety,

Every time our son is anxious we discuss how he was anxious yesterday but when he got to school he enjoyed x, y, z. That he was worried yesterday but it hadn't been as bad as he had thought it would be.

It's a slow and painful process but it is working.

We also had him go through some mindfulness lessons with relax kids, which seem to be helping him identify feelings and be able to verbalise them and deal with them.

School has to be non negotiable. Because it is isn't, then his anxiety will likely spread to other aspects of his life.

Homeschooling seems like a bad idea to me.

There's no harm in Mum and dad taking it in turns to do drop off, even if it's really only to give mum some escape from the stress.

We also read the book about the hidden chimp with our son, that also seemed to help.

Year 1 is a particularly difficult year, they lose all the play of reception. Most kids have a tough first half term.

If you persevere then it should get easier over time. We are only a few weeks into the school term and most kids are finding their feet with a new teacher.

So kind but firm and reminding him that he enjoyed yesterday, so he will probably enjoy today once he gets there.

How is he socially at school? I find even now at 11, ds wants to go to school to see his mates. Could you arrange for friends from school to come round to play, in an attempt to build security with his peers?
Does he do anything socially outside of school? Clubs or groups would be great for encouraging a little independence while doing something he loves and mum/dad on the sidelines.

My ds cried every single day in year one going into school. Had been fine in reception. He had to be prised off me by the TA.
Within 5 minutes in school he was fine. And this behaviour stopped going into year 2.
He is now 21

Without meaning to be harsh, he's got you both wrapped round his little finger, hasn't he? Stop the negotiations and the discussions and the pandering to him.

A child of 5 does not get to call the shots. You are the grown-ups in this situation, so take a deep breath and just do it.

I went through this with my daughter. Basically from nursery till it suddenly stopped in about the 2nd week of Year 4! Once she was actually in school she was happy and had to be dragged away almost! Definitely separation anxiety.

School weren't that great at dealing with it. I don't think they could believe that our little happy hard-working girl was a nightmare to actually get there!

It was worse with me than her Dad and he was lucky enough to be able to do the school run twice a week. Think your idea for your wife to stay in bed is a good one. Worked for us.

What else worked was going into the classroom and staying for 20 or so mins. Only happened in reception. Also usually a TA would spot her out the classroom window and come and distract her and take her in without too much trouble.

She seems to be unscathed by this. Loved school ever since she suddenly grew out of it. Now a very independent Year 7!

Just seen the poster who said she sat outside with her child until they were ready to go in. That worked too.

What time does mum have away from him that isnt school related? There's too much discussion and focus on school which although lovely to work with him, may simply heighten his anxiety and prolong the situation. I would suggest mum takes up a few classes and dad or even others if there are grandparents or trusted friends involved takeover for short periods - not just school, evenings and weekends. Life needs to be varied and he needs to know that he can be cared for by others, not just when his mum is there.

I should add that I do sympathise as my toddler had severe separation anxiety and the HV was worse than useless. She didnt believe how bad it was until she witnessed it. I started living DD with DH or GPs for short periods of 2hrs. I would go, say goodbye and leave as quickly as possible as me being there made it worse. Now she will happily stay with GPs for a full day and is doing a morning a week at nursery. This was a baby who would scream if her GPs so much as looked at her and would beg to be carried. It's hard for mum but it does work and will build the child's confidence longer term. Stop any prolonged goodbyes at school. Its bye bye, mummy is leaving, I love you and that's it.

It's all getting very over dramatised isn't it?

Why is he even getting the chance to come back to you repeatedly? You hand over, your turn on your heel, you leave.

He'll get used to it!

I had a similar issue with my eldest. It was awful for all of us. I literally had to force him to get dressed and drag him into school sobbing. This was in year one too. The school we're not that helpful, said similar to some of the above posts, he will just have to get used to it etc. Got so bad, that I considered home schooling. At the same time we were also going Through the process of getting a diagnosis for dyspraxia, school said he was no different to the rest of the children and said he didn't have it so we went the private route! One day, I just flipped, went into school and said I'm not doing this anymore, it's totally degrading for him, everyday all of his Friends watching him being dragged in. I was sick of this attitude that he was being manipulative!
To cut a long story short, they did then start to help, they agreed to not give him a late mark so he could come in a bit later and not have all the other kids watching the struggle. We also then got the dyspraxia diagnosis and school were forced to put in lots of support in lesson times. Things slowly got better from there really.
In hindsight, it was all anxiety based, school was hard for him because of the dyspraxia. He also has sensory issues so things like assembly were too noisy. no wonder he didn't want to go.
I'd ask the school for educational psychologist and also visit the gp about the anxiety and eliminate any reasons why he is finding school
Difficult.
Good luck.

My dd did this at nursery, reception and year one for a time each year. She was much better if there was no hanging around outside, just straight in and if she was fussy/ clingy the teacher or TA would quickly guide her into the classroom and give her a little job to do to distract. She was always fine once in school and this is the first school year (year 2) where she has been great from the start. She is shy around new people and just takes time to get to know people and feel comfortable, she was also worried about accidentally breaking rules. Like pp’s have said, he has to go to school and prolonging things is likely making things worse. I would aim for a quick drop off ‘love you, see you later’ and then go.

With my child we used a star chart and built up from getting one star a week to earn a great to two stars until they only got a great when it was five stars. Made sure the treats were picked by them and they really wanted to earn them. Lots of praise for going in well, minimal discussion if upset. Good luck!

I don't think a 5 year old is old enough to understand CBT. A behavioural approach is much more age appropriate.

It sounds like he’s got into the habit of being upset at drop off. I’d use some heavy bribery to break the habit.

It’s really not that abnormal to be fine in Reception and struggle at the beginning of Y1. My son is the same age and I can think of two kids who this applies too.

I don't think a 5 year old is old enough to understand CBT. A behavioural approach is much more age appropriate.

Parent-led CBT is a bit different and I've seen it have dramatic effects.

My special needs two year old cried for a full month at his therapeutic daycare but he got over it and loved school from then on out. He needed to be there and I NEEDED him out of the house. It was painful but home schooling? No way