Help - 5 year old refusing school!

[pixiebell79]

Background

My wife is a stay at home mother, I work in London with a long commute. Our son (only child) had separation issues in pre-school. He would be extremely clingy at drop off. If separation was forced (i.e he was removed from my wife) this would make it worse. Drop-offs became progressively worse until we ended up taking him out of preschool.

Later after moving to a different county we managed to put him back into a different pre-school and he did well. There was a little separation anxiety at the beginning of reception, but he settled in well and ended up loving school. He has a number of friends and really thrived last year. The school were very happy with him.

What's happening now

He’s just entered year one and it hasn’t gone well. He seemed to have some issues with not understanding the new structure of the day and being concerned teachers would tell him off.

The separation anxiety has come back with full force. He became distressed at having to leave my wife in the morning. A few times at the classroom entrance the teacher took him away which lead to crying / clinging / the next morning being more difficult.

My wife was understandably pretty traumatised having to deal with this day after day. We’ve involved the school a lot. They’ve been great and we now have a TA meeting my wife in the school reception ever day for the handoff to remove the time pressure. Unfortunately this hasn’t really improved things. Sometimes he just needs a lot of reassurance / coaxing / redirection to leave her. Sometimes it’s more like he needs to be physically removed from her.

Having to deal with this every day has gotten on top of her and she no longer feels she can do school drop off.

Discussed resolutions

I’m planning to alternate working from home and coming in to work late so I can do drop off. The one time we tried this before, it turned into two separation events (one at the front door being separated from mum, one at the school being separated from me). I’m planning to ask my wife to simply stay in bed in the mornings in the hope of negating the “at the door” separation. This can probably only work in the short - medium term because of my work commitments.

We’ve discussed the long term psychological harm this could do to our son. I don’t know the answer to how much or how little that could be. I’d like us to see a therapist at least to discuss some approaches, put in context any possible long term harm which could be done and hopefully get pointers to a resolution.

We’ve also discussed our son becoming home schooled. My concern with this is that reintroduction into school (assuming he / we ever want it to happen) could be really difficult for many reasons, including that it could just bring back the separation anxiety.

We’ve also discussed whether this may be a case of ASD, but it seems a diagnosis would take a long time and it’s hard for me to see what extra help a diagnosis could give for this situation.

What I’m looking for here

Thanks in advance kind mums netters!

• I’m wondering if you have any advise on how to deal with this?

• What’s the best route to get some intervention from a therapist / other? (We’re in the Cambridge / Bedfordshire area, don’t mind paying privately)

Thinking of home schooling is far too drastic at this stage, if he's happy when he's at school. Agree with others that prolonging the goodbyes will only worsen the situation. Just be kind, loving and firm and let the teacher take over. She will be well used to children with separation anxiety and it's very likely your child will be fine within minutes. If you're worried about that phone the school to check. Nobody will mind. Giving your child something to take to school to hold on to or keep in his bag might help, like a comfort toy or a photo of you.

DD3 was terrible from year R to year 3. Things we did included: "Smiley DD3 chart" - she got a sticker for each day that she went in smiling. Reward chart with prize for x number of successful transitions.

My favourite, which worked with DD2 and DD3, was to draw a series of hearts, each smaller than the next, then colour them in. I cut them out, stacked them and covered them in sticky backed plastic. That went into her cardigan pocket, then if she felt sad or lonely, she could feel for her heart. I said it was a bit of me that was going with her into school.

Year 1 was very difficult for DD2 - changes from free play (where she could avoid all the socially difficult bits), handwriting changes, classroom changes. She was eventually diagnosed with ASD in year 7.

I feel some posters are too judgemental. This family is asking for help. This is a very sad and traumatic situation for them all.
I would suggest seeing a child psychologist, not connected to the school. Also, helping your son get to know his classmates through play dates and shared activities.

Well, it could be sad and traumatic, or it could be a phase that the kid just needs helped to get through. Like with a lot of things in life, kids look to us to know whether things are safe or not; if we confidently show that school is nothing to be frightened of, IME that's a better approach than panicking and homeschooling or calling in a psychologist.

@Lougle great minds think alike! I sewed a red heart in my DDs blazer and filled it with kisses for when she needed them! When it was empty she brought it to me to refill. It got moved from blazer to blazer as she grew but didn't "use" it anymore by the time she finished primary.

When it came to getting a new blazer for secondary she didn't ask for one but I sewed a red heart inside her pocket secretly. She was over the moon!

That's so lovely! It's such a simple way of staying connected even if you're apart, which some children need more than others.

That's a great point; I gave my daughter a carved wooden heart to keep in her bag, and she's sometimes go and give it a wee hold, and I would tell her that I was thinking of her at the same time.

By P3 she had lost it!

We have been having issues with my 5 year old boy going to school. He started kindergarten this year after 2 years of nursery, with no separation issues at all. Some mornings I would be lucky to get a bye! I am a SAHM.
Beginning of Sept started well, he enjoyed getting the school bus. Then week 2 started and we had requests for Dad to stay home, for dad to take him to the bus stop, he missed me too much, he missed his elder brother too much. Then we had the crying and pleading at night, waking up at 3, 4, 5am crying about not wanting to go school. Started to wet the bed.
Everything ramped up, getting worse instead of getting better.
We are fortunate that the schools have psychologists based in them.
I went and chatted to one last week, laid it all out.
My son likes routines and rules, so
we are now trying a task chart, that we created with him. For each morning he has a list, get dressed; eat breakfast; clean teeth; get lunchbox; etc. Including getting on the bus. If he manages each task whilst 'being brave', we dont mention tears or crying, he gets a tick. If he gets ticks for all tasks (6-7) for 1 day, he gets a prize. Something he has chosen, no need for it to be big, such as, picking the pudding after dinner or choosing what game to play that evening.
It is early days, but the last 3 days have been much better.
I am also doing my distraction chatter in the morning, every time he starts to get upset or mention not going, I direct him back to the chart and when we leave the house I have a subject to talk about that keeps him occupied until the bus arrives, eg, what Halloween decorations are on the bus, how many of each, colours. What does he want to do at the weekend or when his grandad visits in 3 weeks.
It is exhausting keeping the positive attitude, but less so than having a distraught crying child levered out of my arms.
We had talked to him during Sept about anything that could be upsetting him at school. As he is 5 lots of the statements were contradictory, but when 1 came up a few times I asked the teacher to change things and they did.
The teacher had also fed back to me during Sept that although he was quiet and sad after getting to school, he perked up as school started and was a normal chatty and involved kid during school.
Knowing that despite his behavior at home, he was enjoying school has helped as I know we will get there eventually, but all kids take their own route.
We had none of these issues with my eldest, so I was at a loss and hope that this helps us.
This may not work for you, but I hope one of the suggestions here from pp does make a difference for you.

its sad to hear people stating the child has no choice, don't let him decide what he likes. some children are later developers and do better learning in the home environment. Plus children don't start school until they are 7 in parts of europe. England, wales and scotland are the only countries in the western world where children start school as young as 4 and a lot of children aren't ready for school until they are older. Listening to your child and making him feel valued is the important thing. An insecure child leads to an insecure adult if steps to help them aren't made. He might be being bullied, wanting one on one learning attention. A 5 year olds wellbeing is the most important thing. If you were to take him out of an unhappy school situation and work on his learning/interests with him and engage him in social activities/ extra curricular with you nearby, he might gain the confidence to gain happiness rather than feel forced into a situation he isn't comfortable with. Within a short amount of time, you might find him wanting to go to school without him feeling forced and sad.

My DD2 went through phases of this on and off until about y4.
My suggestions:

• Quick hand over and turn and walk away without looking back. School is non optional
• Transition object to hold/carry as he goes in, e.g. small toy or something with his mum's perfume on it

• Consider arriving just as doors open
• Consider arriving early and he gets to go and 'help' the teacher set something up
• Consider handing over to office

I agree with gostiwooz to a certain extent, your job as a parent is to prepare DS for mainstream school, indeed this was how pre-school was born. Part of the process is to start letting go at 3+ we are not marsupials, and independant play should be encouraged as should independant sleeping. I have known parents leave their toddlers crying, and this usually lasts about 1 minute, when they are then encouraged to play until said parent returns. If your anxious, this will impact further and make the process 10x more difficult and hence more stressful.

I'm on the opposite side to most here and would say if you can homeschool then do, many children thrive at home and maybe when he is older and mature he will be better prepared to deal with school of you end up deciding to go back down that route. We have homeschooled from the start and I wouldn't change it now

Wow, some of the answers on here!

@pixiebell79, we had similar issues. But my soon was older and in year 3 and triigered when we changed schools.

The school got the educational psychologist involved. We were also very worried about long term effects on him. What eventually worked in our case was that I was allowed to go into class and stay there till 10.30 am to start with. And over the next few weeks my time was slowly reduced by 10 to 15 min a day.

We were eventually able to drop him off in his line without issue.

We alse took him for some therapy ( asked the educational psychologist for a referral) when helped with the overall anxiety piece.

My ds3 had separation anxiety through pre school and into reception. I did a gradual approach in reception which really worked. We started with lots of cuddles and kisses in the classroom then reduced to 10 cuddles and kisses in the classroom. We then moved to the classroom door and then to different places in the corridor until eventually it was outside the school door. It did take two months and I had to explain to school and get them to agree. Ds3 still has times when he just wants to be at home with me but as I now work it is impossible. We went through a particularly tricky time in year 2 when he had 'stomach ache' every day,

Ds1 is autistic and whilst I know ds3 would not meet the criteria I can see some very common behaviours between the two,

I always believe a gentle approach where everyone -including the child - is involved is best.

Hello. Bless him and you guys aswel. It's hard. My DD has just started school in reception and happily goes but she is struggling to transition. She's the shyest child in the class and getting distracted etc.

I noticed when she started that many year ones were crying as they went into school. It lasted about a month. It was a male teacher bothering some and others didn't like the change. Reception is all play and year one is more work isnt it.

I'm not sure what you have tried etc. I'm not saying bribes are good all the time. But a little motivation has sometimes got us through a tricky patch. Have you tried a reward for being brave. Charts, a cheap toy or treat, a cinema trip? Something to help him feel more motivated?

I don't think I'd home school unless my child was miserable and being bullied. Being alone all the time with parents is not as fun as being with your own little group of people your own age. All the things he will miss out on. Unless you have time to do the meet ups etc they say are good for home schooled children? How is he at school. Has he got buddies? Xx

My little boy is sensitive aswell and has struggled at times. I was a stay at home mum aswell and he loves being with me. These are things we did to help for year 1 I had lots of short chats about how everyone feels nervous , its normal, talked about mammy, daddy , grandparents, friends ect went to school , talked about new jobs , also used examples about things he was nervous about on the past but now loves. I didnt get into huge in depth chats as that makes my little boy worse. I praised him for being sensitive and kind and brave. When he was a bit younger I got him some worry dolls and they have always helped him( you get a little leaflet with them about how they take your worries away when you sleep). I also kissed a pen a drew a x on his hand so he had mammy kiss with him. Other people I know who have gone through this have used mindfulness and meditation breathing. It's so hard not to show you are worried or upset but try and be bright and positive about how much fun school is and praise him lots.

How is it going op?

I've had almost the exact same scenario with my 5yo this term. It's been awful, so traumatic.
I completely disagree with the posters saying to leave him sobbing or bribe him - that doesnt address what ever is causing the issue and invalidates his genuine emotions. I want my child to want to go to school happily, I dont want him not to cry because he knows it will make no difference and instead feel anxious and sad.

The school have let him take a board game into school in the mornings and him and a friend play it in the classroom during the 20 minute drop off "window".. showing the teacher what he has brought seems to be enough that I can generally leave without any fuss.
I've also cut down his clubs from 3 to 2 and would have cut more out if it hadn't improved.
It could be that he is just really exhausted, I think yr 1 is quite a big step up from reception and the emotional expectations are a lot higher.

When ds started to question having to go to school I told him that school was compulsory, every parent has to send their child to be educated, it was "the law" to make sure every child had the opportunity to learn, or the parent could be sent to jail and then I wouldn't be there at all!

Worked for him, but, maybe not a tactic for more sensitive dc 😳

My DD is also year 1 and has struggled with separation since pre school. We have tried everything - early starts, late starts, reward charts etc. The thing is that she genuinely hates to leave me, and nothing makes that moment of separation better for her. All the fuss around it, I believe, made it worse.
For her getting it over and done with quickly is the best option. I’m confident that she is happy at school - her teacher says she is, and so does she. Her teacher this year has been brilliant. Understanding and caring, but not over the top. At the beginning of the year the teacher was having to pry her off me, but we persisted with the quick and cheerful goodbye and for the last two weeks she has been going in independently. I’m sure she’ll still have days where it is not so easy, but accepting that separation makes her sad, but only for a moment, was the way forward.

My daughter was peeled from me every morning for five months in Reception from Feb to July, as well as all of September. Very wearing.

We sang a special song on the way to school to help her prepare.
I had to stay at every kids party until end of year 2 (I bought face paints so I could make myself useful).

I learned she was bad at transitions so we had to be first to everything so that she had a quiet space before others arrived. First in the playground, early to parties (I helped a lot to make up for the fact that this is v unfair on party parents).

By about the end of year 3 she had grown out of it. By the end of year 5 she was more independent and confident than most of her peer group and that's grown. At 13 I dropped her for a week away 200 miles from home and she didn't know a soul. All fine. I think we just let her be clingy and she eventually grew out of it.

I am in exactly the same boat as yourself. My son has started in Reception and I am having to attend every day with him and stay for the duration of his day, which is currently a reduced timetable of a couple of hours per day. I went through exactly the same thing at nursery and he was there for approx 15 months, with terrible tears and tantrums every day. My son has recently been diagnosed as ASD so if there is any chance your son is also autistic or has any kind of a SEN (special educational need) you really must get him assessed as soon as possible (you would be doing him a major disservice not to). If he is autistic, he may be struggling terribly and not coping with the change from his preschool to his primary school. A change of school would be a major change for any child but a child with ASD/SEN it would be huge and they may struggle to cope without specialist support. My son cannot cope being separated from me and he is only attending a mainstream until I can secure him a place at a specialist ASD school. If you suspect your child has ASD (or any other kind of SEN), you should get him referred and diagnosed as soon as possible. Then immediately apply for an EHCP. This will set out what support your child needs (in my son's case, it is regular speech therapy, Occupational Therapy and his own dedicated full time 1:1 teaching assistant plus I have named my choice of specialist school). Many children with ASD are extremely sensory (sensory seeking behaviour/sensory avoiding behaviour) and often this can act as a barrier to learning, e.g. children with sensory issues may not be able to tolerate even quiet sounds or the TV on a low volume, crowds, the feeling of clothes/seams on their skin, they may always be moving (constantly pacing)/running/swinging/bouncing, my son has aversions to food and somebody always has to sit with him otherwise he won't eat. My my son cannot cope with more than a few children in a class, this also means he can't play in the playground or eat in the canteen as he is terrified because of the crowds and noise - sensory overload which is confusing and frightening. In his current mainstream he is in a class with 30 children plus staff (average class size). He cannot cope at all and has not received any teaching since being there. He spends all of his time in an intervention room with his 1:1 TA. He is not able to access the curriculum at all as he is non-verbal (very limited speech). In a specialist school, he would have class sizes of maximum of 8-9 (the school that I am looking at only has 6 pupils per class), there will be specialist teachers who will deliver the curriculum in the most appropriate way for him (using PECS/Makaton/Visuals, etc.). All of these things are in his EHCP including his personal 1:1 TA, so therefore must be provided for him by the Local Authority at their expense. The document is also legally binding, so everything in it has to be provided. It is easier to sort these things out with a diagnosis of something otherwise sometimes the LA and even the schools will mess around and not provide the support they know he needs, or may misinterpret his behaviour as bad behaviour and then punish him/exclude him when what he really needs is help and professional support and teaching, and possibly a change of school with smaller class sizes. Good luck and sorry for the long post.

Hi, I’m a Year One teacher and just wanted to add that it’s very common at this stage in the year to have a few children who cry during drop off and cling to parents. If they have formed a negative association with that part of the day it can take a while to break the habit. This isn’t to minimise your experience - I would just advise giving it a bit longer to see if things resolve naturally before taking any drastic measures. If it’s you doing drop-off try your absolute best to stay calm and not show how upsetting the experience is for you. Trust the school to give him all the love and care he needs to settle, and try to get handover done quickly. The children in my class who struggle are genuinely fine once parents are out of sight. The longer parents linger, the longer it takes them to calm down. (I’m a parent too so I do understand how heartbreaking the whole thing is though!)

This is very common OP, I know it doesn't make it any better but I am a teacher and every single year there are at least 3/4 children like this to start off with. (Reception/KS1)

I wouldn't automatically jump to ASD diagnosis if there are no other signs....I know we all want answers but sometimes children just want to stay at home until they realise they can't. Don't ever make it an option to not go and stay at home as it will make it ten times worse.

My ds5 does have an asd diagnosis and is in a mainstream school and has problems with drop off also. My dh cannot change his work schedule to do drop off (starts at 8am, leaves house at 7.40) so I must do it everyday.
His teacher suggested a tactic to me which has helped a lot, (not a cure all though) called the love button. You draw a heart on the palm of your hand and one on the palm of the child's hand, hold the hearts together to "charge the love button up" at home before you leave and explain to your child that at any point during school they need to feel your love/close to you, they just press on the heart and they will get a dose of your love to keep them going until you see each other at home time.