Disappointment

[Lifeandjoy]

Parents at my son's school are competitive. I don't necessarily see that as a bad thing. Within all of us is a competitive spirit. Some more than others.

I'm just wondering how people deal with the proxy competition involving your kids. So if your child does less well than another or than you expected. How do you deal with that internal disappointment? Even though I pretend it's no big deal, I still feel vexed. Even though my daughter isn't bother and my rational self knows it dies not matter, deep down I feel disappointed.

Does anyone else experience this?

I remind myself that some people would love their only problem to be that their child didn’t come top of the class, whether those people have children with SNs or children with ill health or other issues. I do know where you’re coming from though and have seen naturally bright children slip down the sets in secondary school because they were not prepared to put the work in and children who seemed less able in primary excel at secondary.

It genuinely doesn’t worry me. Maybe I’m not very competitive

My ds will be fine. As long as he’s happy with his own progress, I’m not concerned..

Do you suffer the same competitive instincts with yourself, how do you deal with those? Unless you very narrowly scope the competition, you can never win - you might be the best 100m runner in the world, but you'll be beaten over 400m let alone a mile, or a marathon. So somehow you must rationalise your own life in the same way - you don't expect to win everything, even if you're a competitive personality.

Competing at primary school, where you may be comparing a few random collection of kids is madness, it's almost impossible to get an accurate view of achievement, and even then you don't know effort - 'cos the motivation side is normally hidden. Even if simple things like that 100m - was the kid who came second actually trying, were they tired from the 4 hours of gymnastics they'd done the night before etc. But really you know nothing, proxy competition in primary schools is so foolish.

I'm not actually sure that the "competitive parents" are always competitive - someone commented that one of the parents at DD's school was very competitive, but in all my conversations with them they'd not seem competitive just very unsure of themselves and the questioning and comparison came from a place of nervousness about where their kid was and wanting re-assurance that it was okay. Despite the kid achieving well.

That may of course have been their dynamic with me (where DD wasn't a competition for whatever reason.)

The viewpoint where you're disappointed because of the achievement of another is not good, as you say the rational side of you knows it makes no sense. Even without the comparison, you don't know if your child actually cared themselves - maybe they don't see the value in competing at the St Agatha's under 7's egg and spoon obstacle race, so phoned it in. That isn't necessarily bad, one of the important skills kids sometimes don't learn until too late is when to put the effort in - you can't always "do your best".

You do need to know when you should put the effort in, and also find things where you want to put the effort in of course.

I wouldn't be able to compare my daughter to other children in her primary school because I have no idea what her classmate's abilities are. Perhaps I've been lucky enough to avoid competitive parents but the ones I talk to generally don't mention their kid's academic progress. We might have the odd chat about swimming stages or particular activities they have started but to be honest if we talk about our DC it's usually to moan about the latest behavioural challenge/phase they're going through!

My son had complex special needs but I gad high expectations oof him and as long as he was doing his best I was very proud of him. I never compared him to his peers because it was pointless - he would always be disadvantaged.

When I had my daughter I was already past the comparative rubbish of primary playgrounds and didn't give a stuff. My daughter is her own biggest critic and is motivated to learn and achieve her best. I've never given a stuff about how she compares to her classmates.

In my opinion anyone who compares their child to the 29 other random children in their class hasn't had enough proper shit to deal with in their life.

Compared to whether my son would live or not, how he did against his peers at primary school pales into insignificance. He's 18 now and has a Saturday job and is at college on a course suitable to his level of development. I am the proudest mother in the world - he has no idea what he has achieved, given what he has had to face.

Same as Eastie
I've raised 3 to adulthood and have no idea what others in the class are doing
Nor have I ever expected my dc to be "the best" at everything. I expect them to get out there, try all sorts of experiences, grow as people - one very important part of that is learning how to deal with those times when you don't succeed or things don't go your way - and to try to do their best.
There genuinely has not been disappointment except those times when they've not been prepared to work at something.

Nah. I’d rather enjoy life and be in the moment with DD than worry about what anyone else’s child is doing. If she’s happy, kind and doing the best she can, I’m happy too. Sounds exhausting and demoralising and an impossible target.

Thanks for the responses. There's a range of views and I understand them all.

I guess the issue is me. I am competitive but as sirfred noted, I do not care to compete at everything neither I'm I disappointed about not being the best at most things.

It was an observation I made as my daughter enters new territory where comparisons of attainment (sports and academics) are not easily avoided. Even when we say we don't care, that might simply be a way of re-calibrating our expectations to avoid disappointment. I wonder how would I live with this when I will be living every "competition" my daughter experiences. If she is competing, I'll be nervous. Just like I get nervous if my football team is playing and very sad if they lose.

You need to get over it. Your child is not as aspect of you or your transposed competitive urges. Your child should not be dealing with the fallout of your ‘internal disappointment’ every time she loses a race or screws up an exam. Get psychotherapy or run a marathon or something.

I was really bright and always top at school, I kind of thought my kids would be the same. Well one is and he’s at high school and still is. The other one has autism and he’s probably never even going to be “average” far less top. I’ve revised my expectations and realised that the achievements of the youngest are as big a deal for him as the eldest ones are.

Sorry posted too soon. There’s a lot more to success and doing well at school than being top of the class

Thatlady, I don't impose myself on my daughter. It's just my observation about how I feel. It's also not a big deal. It is just an interesting observation to me. The disappointment is not a long lasting one and I am fully aware it is irrational.

I feel comfortable acknowledging that this irrational feeling is there.

I'm too busy at work to bother with the competitive nature of the parents at my kids school.

My kids are competitive. Just not at the same time and place as some of the others!!!

My memory of school and uni means I'm totally comfortable with the fact they are all different

This has actually reminded me of the work colleague who told me he was really stressed about his 4 year old starting school because "she's so far ahead of other children her age i think she's going to struggle to make friends. Her vocabulary is so advanced she'll just get bored speaking with her peers"

@Eastie77 to an fair of they have instilled that superior attitude into her she may well struggle socially

there are so many things that your child can achieve that are immeasureable in school terms, but are achievements that are helping your child to reach your ultimate goal, which is to see your child as a rounded, confident, kind, independent, compassionate and considerate human being. Focus on those, in the end they will be the things you are proudest of.

@Eastie77

That’s hilarious. Some parents are crazy, dd1 picked up writing pretty quick in reception and before parents evening, when all the kids books were out, a parent came up and snatched my dds book out of my hand exclaiming “please say that’s not your dds writing!” I was just like

That parent continued to be the most competitive all the way through primary, whether spellings or sports day. I just found it amusing.

I’ve never seen the point of comparing kids. They all have strengths and weaknesses, and so long as they have a go and try lots of different things I’m happy.

Hah. So I once had a ridiculously advanced 4 year old. Except that he was also exceptionally shy and quiet. I really worried he wasn’t going to make friends not because of how ‘advanced’ he was but because his social skills were behind that of his peers. At the end of the first week the teacher asked me for a quick chat and said she was a little astonished at where he was academically. So I asked her if he had made any friends and she confessed he was still a little aloof. And I said, so that’s all I want from Reception. For him to make friends and be happy. So that’s what she did. My proudest day at the end of the year was when he came out of the door talking so much to his friends that he could barely be bothered to acknowledge me. He’s 7 now, still bright, still shyer than most, but his social skills are so much better. I am super duper proud because I know this doesn’t come as easily to him.

Throughout life though, we are compared with each other or ranked in some way with regards to attainment. We are put in income brackets, compete for promotions, and so on.

If course, all loving parents want their child to be rounded, grounded, and happy. That goes without saying.

Maybe I am among a minority who would like my child to top the leader board in certain things (perhaps in all things that matter to me). However, I know it's irrational, unnecessary and unattainable but that latent desire to "win" is there.

I've not experienced parents being worried about their children being too bright or too brilliant for anything. I want to say it's an odd thing to worry about but who am I to frown upon someone else's strange worry ?

Focus on the fact that school is about learning. The point of school is to learn as much as you can (in the widest sense, not just academics). It's not there to prove you're somehow better than others over and over again.

I get a bit about the growth mindset polemic, but I think it is true that a child in the middle of the pack, who is having to work a bit for their success, is having better preparation for adult life than one who can always come first in everything with no real effort. And if they learn to value themselves and others for things other than academics in the process, so much the better.

What are the ‘ways that matter’ to you? What do you want your child to excel in?

of course all parents want their child to be rounded, grounded and happy

Then stop letting your child know that it hasn't achieved . And before you say you don't let them know then let me tell you you do. Little subtle ways, but your child picks up on them. Kids are anxious enough as it is without having to carry the burden of their parents expectations and feeling guilty for not achieving or exceeding them.

Your child sounds quite young, start building self esteem now. And by that I mean your child's self esteem, not yours. Though on reflection it sounds as though yours is lacking too.

Well, no not everyone wants their child to ‘top the leader board.’ I want my children to maximise their own potential and to be happy. That may not involve topping any leader boards of any sort. It is entirely possible to maximise your potential but not be the best.
I’ll give you an example. DS1 is intensely musical. He practises for nearly 90 mins without complaint. For his age he’s an excellent violinist. And yet there are 5/6 year olds who are playing harder pieces. I think DS1 (who is 7) is maximising his potential. He works hard, he enjoys his music. I don’t want to him win competitions or see it as a competitive pursuit. I want him to fully enjoy his music and be the very best he can be. And that means accepting that there will be those who are better than him.
It is MUCH better to learn to have a good work ethic than to learn to ‘top the leader board.’

Yes I get where you're coming from op, I come from an academic family and my ds has just been moved down another group because he's struggling. I pretend not to care..... but I do, a little bit.

Then this:
I remind myself that some people would love their only problem to be that their child didn’t come top of the class,

Sums it up perfectly. My child is wonderful in so many ways, he's friendly, happy, well rounded...... there's no use creating worries that aren't really there.

OP, you sound as if you pride yourself on your competitiveness, and are rather proud of not accepting your child's potential mediocrity in terms of 'achievements'. I wonder whether this is because you have not achieved yourself, or because you have? Either way, I would not be so sure it isn't obvious to your child.