Disappointment

[Lifeandjoy]

Parents at my son's school are competitive. I don't necessarily see that as a bad thing. Within all of us is a competitive spirit. Some more than others.

I'm just wondering how people deal with the proxy competition involving your kids. So if your child does less well than another or than you expected. How do you deal with that internal disappointment? Even though I pretend it's no big deal, I still feel vexed. Even though my daughter isn't bother and my rational self knows it dies not matter, deep down I feel disappointed.

Does anyone else experience this?

Cillen, I don't know how you reach the conclusion that I pride myself on my competitiveness. What a bizarre thing to assume and and equally bizarre thing to imagine someone takes "pride" in.

I'm simply musing over an irrational feeling. Nothing more, nothing less.

It's an obvious interpretation of your posts, which say, among other things that you don't see other parents' school competitiveness as a bad thing, that 'everyone has some competitive spirit, some more than others', that 'I am among a minority who would like my child to top the leader board in certain things', and that you will be living competitively though your daughter every time she competes in something.

You also suggest that people who aren't competitive, or aren't obviously competitive, are just 're-calibrating [their] expectations to avoid disappointment.'

You make no mention at all of wishing you were less competitive. I think you think you are being less self-deluding than parents who say they don't want their children to excel.

Okay Cilleen, if that interpretation floats your boat, by all means see it as you do. I do not identify with your interpretation.

It was an observation I made as my daughter enters new territory where comparisons of attainment (sports and academics) are not easily avoided.

Can you expand upon what territory this is? As I've raised dc to 23, 20 and 17 so far and not come across in, in school or outside of school (sports, etc.)

The thing is where children believe being the top is best sets them up to fail later on and they never seem to grasp failure.

Failing is in its self a good lesson to learn. You fail, you get up and try again, you get better, you try harder, you work harder.

If things come easy and they don’t learn to fail, which will happen as every child has a ceiling for certain things, they crumble.

Compatible parents don’t seem to understand that somethings are extremely hard for those with disabilities and disabled children have more to offer than top marks in maths or quickest at the running race.

Qualities we value in others, kindness, helpfulness, compassion, thoughtfulness, sense of humour, the things we look for in friendships and relationships, aren’t measured.

A top dog in literacy who’s boastful isn’t going to find friendships easy.

They all learn to read, they all learn to do sums, some never learn kindness.

If you focus on only school work then you may be limiting your child. So they may be top of the class in reading and maths in primary but if you’ve focused only on that then they may lack skills or even the attitude to do well later in life.
Prioritise a love of learning and a wider education. Take them to interesting places and talk to them lots. Let them explore the world around them at their own pace.
You may find that they’ll do brilliantly later on even if they’re not winning prizes at primary.
It’s definitely a lot better for the child’s (and parent’s) mental health than when a parent who is disappointed with them when others do better (whether you show it or not)

I get where you’re coming from OP. Despite all the very valid points from other posters which I agree with, I would still feel a big pang of disappointment if either of my DC were moved down out of the top ability group or similar. I feel it’s wrong to feel that way but I can’t seem to help it!

I think for me it may be rooted in the fact that as a child, the times I felt most approval and affection from my dad were when I was achieving well. This has led to a lot of my self-worth being linked to being a high achiever.

I am really trying not to pass this onto my kids! There’s definitely truth for me in the view that if things come too easily to you, you may not learn how to work hard and how to deal with failure.

I would say I am quite competitive and DH is v competitive. DS1 is v competitive and DS2 less so. I don't ask other parents about what swimming level or book band their child is on. I only discuss this if they explicitly ask. Our school has a non competitive atmosphere so the competitive parents stick out.
I have told DS1 it's always good to do your best and work hard but have warned him there is always someone smarter, taller, more beautiful in life and we have to accept that. I encourage my children as much as I can to be team players and to think about how they can win as a team rather than individuals.

One of the sweetest things I saw in school was a young disabled lad win a trophy all the kids were pleased he won and his face was delightful. He will never be academic but he was popular and funny.

I have a chum who has a son with learning difficulties and have learnt a lot from her. Everyone has different goals. Her DS will never be able to read well or do maths but he's funny and lovely to be with. He's incredibly observant! What we've discussed is its very difficult for one teacher / school to meet everybody's needs.
Weve moved DS1 to a higher performing school so that he now has competition. It's good for children to see they don't always come first.. I want my children to have a good work ethic rather than just coast. DS2 finds things easier than DS1 and is a coaster...

It sounds like you are enjoying the competitive spirit at your child’s school so just crack on. Some parents won’t have any idea whatsoever that you are in a competition with them though.

The overtly competitive parents at my son's school get laughed at.

I Always thought school mum's were competitive until my daughter took up ballet and tap... for anyone who has seen dance moms it is scarily close to reality

Miffmuff, glad you get where I'm coming from.

People are focusing on overt competition and making all sorts of assumptions about me limiting my daughter's outlook to just academics.

The point I've reiterated is about internal irrational disappointment.

It's interesting though that many feel the need to pontificate about how good they are at parenting and avoiding doing their children the harm I'm supposedly inflicting on my daughter. Competition in all but name.

Life is full of unavoidable competition. Kids get prizes for all sorts of things at year end - academic and behavioural. We compete for jobs, for promotions and the list goes on.

As someone said, competition is not a bad thing. It is learning to deal with losses, learning from losses and not making being high achiever an intrinsically valuable thing.

There are no prizes at my otherwise incredibly academic SW London prep school. I think the point people are trying to make (and you are deliberately missing) is that she is a CHILD. She does not need to compete. She isn’t appearing for job interviews any time soon. She needs to be a child. She needs to be praised for her EFFORT not her result.
So what if your daughter is not in the top group? Someone has to be in the middle group right? Is she performing to the best of HER ability?
As I think several people have said she has a lifetime to compete. You need to instill good work ethic, and the willingness to work hard IRRESPECTIVE of competition.
It’s fine to want your daughter to excel but you have to step back and think of HOW she excels not just climbing some arbitrary ladder.

And nobody gets behavioural prizes at primary either. Maybe the odd certificate but certainly at our school they are very specifically ascribed to something done in class (improving at your times table or using an improved vocabulary in your creative writing).

There’s also the division of schools

Top group in middle of the road school or bottom ground in high achieving schools?

You have no real idea what her achievements will be compared to a wider circle.

Of coarse we want them to do well, but not at the expense of others self esteem and their own self worth.

"It is learning to deal with losses, learning from losses and not making being high achiever an intrinsically valuable thing"

I'm not sure there is a particular trick to this, it's just practice. If your child were a bad loser, you'd keep playing them and give them practice at losing, then maybe coach them to dust themselves off and try again. Maybe apply a similar approach to yourself. Fake it til you make it, if need be.

I wonder if your daughter is still quite young. There are so many of these little competitive things but so few that really matter. After your 4th or 5th club gym comp or ballet exam, hopefully you will develop the knack of celebrating if she does do amazingly, but not taking it to heart if she doesn't.

Poor kid. Primary school aged and already a disappointment.

I never quite believed in the Mumsnet stories of other parents opening a visiting child's schoolbag on playdates to check his or her reading band or teacher comments/merit points on homework, but I think this poster does this kind of thing and thinks it's natural because 'life is full of unavoidable competition'.

Even when you're six and not yet a free reader.

Clearly, my posts have been misunderstood and I hardly see any point in explaining myself again, and again. I'm fine with my thoughts and I genuinely hope all our children grow up to be healthy and productive citizens. I harbour no illusions that I am a better parent than all of you wise folks who are raising your kids perfectly. If only I could be like some of you.

Lifeandjoy, I feel very similar! I am competitive and enjoy winning. I'm a confident person who feels I've done well both academically and in my career.

DD is 8 years old and I ask her to work hard. She completed all her times tables tests up to x12 a term early due to her hard work and I took her out for a meal to celebrate. She wasn't the first in her class to do this (she said others also passed them already) but she put in a lot of effort and I wanted to acknowledge her effort and achievement. I have been told by other parents I seem to want her featured over others and talk about her achievements a lot.

This did make me think. I cannot understand people who say they don't care where they come and it doesn't bother them if their child is never chosen. DD competes in a competitive sport and we tell her each competition is about her progress and it's not actually about the score sheet. She should not see it as competing against others, just herself. Doing sport has helped understand she can't win everything and failure is not something to be scared of. She does do well but I admit if she was behind everyone all the time I'd be disappointed and question if she should continue if she couldn't meet qualifying criteria each time.

I think there is a balance around being passionate, motivated and hardworking and I doubt I've found it yet. I cannot help but be proud when her efforts bring reward but accept celebrating achievements is not the done thing!!

There are of course bigger things to worry about in life, but I want her to do her best and will push her to do so.

Thanks Happysummer. Glad you get where I'm coming from. Like you, my daughter does sports and it helps her get used to the fact that she cannot always be the best, tobbeca good sport at losing, and to keep trying, using failure as a motivation, sometimes packing it in when necessary.