DS not achieving full potential at school

[BabyMommaDec2012]

Hi there - I’ve spoken on here about my DS before (6 yrs old in yr 1). As a recap, teachers struggle with his behaviour (he’s not violent/aggressive but he cant sit still, won’t always follow rules/instructions and sometimes refuses to do his school work... although, he will work at ‘mastery/greater depth level’ with ease he’s in the mood). He’s exceeding in reading but not meeting expected age related levels for writing and maths. This isn’t due to ability, it’s due to the school not having sufficient evidence of his ability because he doesn’t always complete the work they set for him. He’s under investigation by CAMHS for ASD/ADHD (should hopefully get the results soon). A recent Wechsler (WISC V) test has shown that he’s very bright but has an extremely low processing speed (he got average or high average for everything else).

In short, I’m unhappy with his school’s approach with him. It feels to me that although he may have some genuine issues with attention/hyperactivity, he’s basically taking the mick at school because his teachers are too soft with him. They’re honestly at a loss at what to do with him when he’s being non-compliant with his school work and they just seem to let him off with it even though he has 1:1 help for written exercises. I’ve asked for any work that he doesn’t complete to be sent home to be completed (we’re strict with him and there’s no way he’d even think of refusing to do school work at home!) but they say this would put too much pressure on him 🙄. I’ve also asked for them to share what he’s learning each week so that we can do extra work to support any gaps in his learning/understanding at home but they’ve refused this too (homework is v minimal and doesn’t always match what the pupils are currently learning - mostly random activities, some of which are arts/craft-based).

I feel like I’m banging my head against a brick wall with the school. Their nurturing approach is all very nice and all but my son (who responds well to strict discipline) is purely taking advantage of the situation and failing himself in the process. Obviously, he’s only 6 so he doesn’t realise this but he’s taking the easy option because he can. I get so angry with him for it sometimes but then I realise it’s not exactly his fault if the school are enabling him to behave this way.

I need to talk to the school again about this early in the new term but they’re so reluctant to listen to anything I have to say. I feel like a villain for even suggesting that my son should be performing better academically. They take what I say as an insult/criticism rather than simply recognising that I’m just trying to support my son at home so that he performs better at school (thereby making their lives easier too!). Any suggestions on what I can do... without having to change schools? (v difficult option as we would have to sell up and move house to send him to another school - there’s nothing else near to us).

What do you mean by lack of strictness/discipline? My ds finally got it when he was kept during breaks to finish his work, to get on with his work, he learned in the end, that if he doesn't concentrate, he will lose his play time. But it took until he was in yr3 to finally started working promptly. I don't think bringing home unfinished work do help. They need to finish within certain time to do certain work. But many parents oppose to the things like taking away breaks, but in my ds's case it has worked. But are you going to be happy with that kind of discipline?
Also the fact ds had low muscle strength had effect on his writing, so doing core strengthening work did made quite a huge difference.
Figuring out why he doesn't do what he can do at home and finding the solution is the priority, imo.

I know he’s only 6 but he’s so fixed on his negative attitude towards school that I can’t imagine it ever changing.

You're fixated on it too, you obviously talk to him about it or he wouldn't talk about why he doesn't do it. Whatever his attitudes and learning about school are they come from you.

He struggles with writing - not with ideas - that's clear from what you say, yet you repeatedly say that his struggles are laziness and lack of application, despite you having the results of tests which show he has processing speed difficulties. Why reject the diagnosis and label it laziness when the processing speed diagnosis explains the situations?

How actually strong is he - cycling and walking don't build the muscles required for writing - does he have the gross motor skills to skip comfortably on the monkey bars, can he do a pull up? Does he have the finer motor skills? That's the fitness that will help with writing.

What are the consequences at home if he doesnt finish the maths/gets it wrong?
Vs what are consequences at school?
The 1-2-1 marking then consequence might make a difference.
My 6yo you wouldnt get an accurate result on any test. She teases /annoys by purposely getting wrong.

I get the impression that you feel your son is not particularly motivated to please adults, especially his teachers. I wonder if that is because adults value the wrong things (in his eyes)? You say "When he does his work well, he is praised to the high heavens... " Do you mean when he is trying hard or when he has produced a good result? If he is praised for reading, which he finds easy, he knows he hasn't earned it. It must be hard, if you feel he isn't really trying, to find a way to praise the effort and persistence but it might be more effective (and would probably fit with the school's ethos).

As what sirfred said, when I said strengthening work, it was going to the park and do monkey bars and climbing walls, which he loved and also developed his gross motor skills. Not just sitting down and do the work make everything better, sometimes.

I mean this kindly but I do feel like you are pushing him too hard. He is only 6. You have both got good degrees, great, but that might not be the route your ds takes or even chooses to take. He can have a wonderful life not being academic. Help him know that success and happiness isn't all academic achievement.

I have one like him, and was my first so didn't understand the right things to do. He absolutely hated learning because I think we emphasised it too much. He is left with hang ups. We realised our error with next one and he is so much more relaxed and performs way better at school. It is a huge regret of mine, huge.

The pps suggesting sport - I would agree. Our ds ' life has changed with it.

He is only 6 and year 1 is a funny year as its not the end of a key stage so the measurements are sort of a half way post. A lot of children, particulary with writing make a lot of progress in year 2 having looked like they were struggling to progress in year 1.
I also wondered if it was other aspects of the home environment that make him able to do the work rather than the 'stick' perhaps he is getting more time to process at home and less other things going on to process.
I have a chikd that sees praise as a demand and it completely unmotivatable with rewards so i do understand but the stick wouldnt work either. He has to feel safe and competant to do stuff.

babymomma I agree with the poster above I mean this kindly but I do feel like you are pushing him too hard. He is only 6. You have both got good degrees, great, but that might not be the route your ds takes or even chooses to take. He can have a wonderful life not being academic. Help him know that success and happiness isn't all academic achievement
I honestly think you need to relax a bit. As another poster pointed out there is some issue with his processing. so you are labellng him as lazy/unfocused when perhaps he is doing what he can for the moment.
When mine were this age it was all about making sure they got phonics & could read. If he is interested in reading then the comprehension will come naturally as will the writing.
I do think some more formal sport would benefit him. It's taught mine many skills, how to listen and do what they are told by an adult/coach, how to wait their turn, how to be compassionate towards others in the group, how to be a team player. If he is finding it difficult to sit still in the classroom I would say he needs to focus on these skills first and foremost. If he is too fidgety then he will not be processing anything properly in school & whatever you try and get him to do will just go in one ear and out the other. If he is being looked at for ADHD then he really needs to be doing as much physical activity as possible. It doesn't have to be football - he could try gymnastics, climbing, swimming lessons.
He could also probably benefit from something like cubs. So a setting where he will learn to participate, sit still but in a more active environment than school. They also learn about lots of interesting things in cubs.
If you are both well educated then that's great - but it might not be his bag. He may end up more creative. He may also make progress later on in school. If you are both intelligent and enjoy learning then try and come up with some imaginative ways to embed his learning. So some things we do to teach our kids:-

• baking together helps with numeracy and literacy
• planting seeds you can teach them about sun/light/growth
• visits to museums so you can discuss history
• shopping and asking them to work out amounts of money/what change they should expect

So basically everyday things always have an educational slant if you find one. It's just a case of using your imagination to find ways to teach him about the world around him. The last thing he needs is another worksheet. Please listen to the teachers on the thread. Myself and DH are both teachers and neither of our children do worksheets or any work in the school hols. DD is about to do SATS and has done no SATS preparation over Easter. We have however done lots of other learning and had lots of discussions about all sorts of things. But no worksheets!!

Thanks everyone - it looks like a team sport and/or a musical instrument is highly recommended so I’ll definitely look into it.

His teachers have told me that if he carries on the way he is he will really struggle as the content and pace of work gets harder in future years. They’ve told me that his ‘natural’ intelligence will only get him so far and that children who are currently struggling but engaged with classes will swiftly overtake him. As I said, they’re at a complete loss about what to do with him when he won’t do his work. This is why I’m trying so hard to to support him at home. I can’t ease off without failing him as a parent 😢.

Try thinking of it as making him well rounded.
Sport, martial art, music etc will teach him how to learn and progress and hopefully fun.
Keep homework light too.

Ok with the greatest respect you need to back off and stop all talk regarding discipline and bringing unfinished work home. He’s 6 years old and has additional learning needs.

1. His brain is wired differently to your brain he is not going to learn how you want him to learn. No matter how much you punish or work with him at home.

At school he is having to work 10x harder than the other children in order to keep up and he’s unsuccessful at keeping up which is why he’s becoming low level disruptive.

School need to be making the work accessible for him instead of having to do 10maths questions he should have 5 questions. He should absolutely not be kept in at break or lunchtimes he more than any of the other kids needs his breaks.

Writing is hard for kids with adhd, processing problems because it takes a lot of brain power to think and write at the same time. Is there a reason why the teacher can’t allow him to explain his answer rather than having to write it down.

My year 6 kiddo uses dragon dictation, is allowed to email in his typed homework, is allowed as many breaks as he needs and will have exam access arrangements for his SATS and is learning to touch type.

The school should have an IEP plan in place with SMART objectives for him and you should have signed it.

Give your son time to decompress before signing him up for any more activities and maybe let him ask to try an activity rather than exhausting his struggling brain further.

Home needs to be his safe space where he can decompress if he’s reading well then that is brilliant and he’ll be fine. He’s a bright intelligent little boy who will be fine at what he wants to be not what you want him to be.

When he’s a little older you can give him aspirations and show him adults who are like him and successful.

Good luck with it all. You've had some good tips on here.

You're not failing him op. Letting him be a little one and finding his own feet is going to be a big part of his development, and his life.
If he loves learning he will gravitate to it and reading is so important so he is already there.

As a pp said you can't get something out of him that isn't there and pushing it won't suddenly fix it.

Best of luck with it, it is hard. But you are not failing if you have a happy child, sod the academic outcome.

DS was an absolute disaster area at school for the first three years. With a good teacher and a bit of maturity things fell into place so quickly that the ADHD diagnosis came as a complete shock.

He struggled to write his name until at least age 7, 3 years later he does amazing artwork, has a real talent for creative writing, fascinated by science and retains knowledge well, chatters on with knowledge about art and architecture. As one teacher described - it's like night and day. In P3 he couldn't stay in his seat.

The main thing for us is that he enjoys school and feels positive about it, that is what will stand him in great stead when he moves on to high school.

I was frightened of what the future held for him at one point so I understand the desire to see an improvement, but he is going to grow up so much over the next year or two. At most I'd put feelers out to see if there is a school locally with a good reputation for supporting children that are out of the norm in whatever way. We found a school like that for DS when he moved house. Sometimes schools in less middle class and more diverse areas are actually better for children who don't come out the same mould as the majority. That's been our experience anyway.