HT says not surprised DS bullied?

[Allusernamestakenbutthis]

My DS is new in a school, and unfortunately bullied by boys in his class. The HT was at first very understanding, had talk with boys but behaviour continued, so I returned let her know (she asked me to).

HT told me my son should do more to play with those boys (my son says they blank him/walk away when he approaches them, and she says he’s imagining it). She used an example that one lunchtime, when he was asked to sit in reception, he was so deep in a book he did not engage properly with her; that his lack of self awareness was an issue andperhaps he alienated the boys first. I do not question he was rude towards her, but don’t understand the example regarding interacting with these boys.
We have a therapist to help him. Therapist thinks he should stay away from the boys. These are the only 8 boys in his class FYI.
So who is right?

She is 100 % wrong - bullying is never right - TBH I am shocked at her attitude, especially in her position.
Insist that she deals with this - and also go to your LA ie higher up and ask for this support and action
I am sorry this is happening to your son -

Depends whether it is actual bullying or the social interaction going wrong. Stay away is quite an extreme and isolating response unless the boys behaviour genuinely warrants it. Pointing out issues with interactions may indeed be a more valuable route forward. But the OP doesnt really explain the "bullying" in the first place

That’s awful. My son is a bit of an unusual character but his school went out of its way to help him fit in. They have a special games club at lunch time that is to help with social skills (the children who get invited don’t know this - they just think they are special). Plus they have put him and his best friend in charge of running the chess club to get them away from reading and writing all play time.

They should be looking for ways to support your son not blaming him for the problem.

What is the bullying behaviour? Is it that they blank him? If so, then perhaps he has blanked them when he has been deep in a book and so they're doing the same to him. If it's something else, that would be different.

Ok, so the bullying is is that these boys are avoiding him. Not talking to him. And your son doesn’t like this, yet he blanks others including adults too? And your son has a therapist? What is this for? If the therapist says for your son to avoid these boys and the boys are avoiding him anyway, this is all very confusing. Does your son actually want to be friends with these boys? This does sound as if it is not as cut and dried as bullying in isolation and maybe the HT is trying to investigate the cause in order to try and help the situation. Maybe the HT has got it completely wrong. But you might need to investigate this with her and consider what she is saying and go with that, even if it is just to rule it out. You never know, by clearing the air with these boys and if it is just a misunderstanding with them, you might just help them be friends!

What sort of therapist is involved with your son? Is that through CAMHS or do you mean a speech therapist?

Hi we got the therapist as a suggestion from HT because my son was so unhappy and hurt himself a few times. We also saw a doctor who suggested same. He also talked about his issues over and over most evenings and it was making anxiety worse. The psychotherapist used some counselling and cognitive therapy and it helped a lot.

The bullying involves quite extensive criticism from one boy about his schoolwork (not constructive, plain nasty), pushing and shoving in the playground, name calling, being rude eg about sporting abilities, all boys together circling my son and shouting at same time (out of school). Since HT spoke to them this has been exclusion only as mentioned above.

DS says another girl has also just joined school. She is foreign. And he heard the kids talking about how they were going to exclude her because she was getting too friendly with someone's best friend. When he asked why they would do that, the boys laughed and said it's what we do to the new kids.

@devilishpyjamas it's a psychotherapist. Waitlist for CAMHS is too long, so doc suggested private. Psychotherapist does also work for CAMHS and is highly experienced.

@rollyrocks I don't know how anyone can force themselves to be friends with kids who have treated you so poorly? As an adult we would avoid like plague, why does HT expect a complete change of direction in a week? Do children forget so quickly?. DS had friends at last school and actually wants friends. He reads all the time because he says it takes his mind off the problems.

Are there other issues (to have a psychotherapist involved)?

@devilishpyjamas no

Tbh the school sounds like it has a toxic bulling culture

So you think he should stay away from the potential friends yet want him to have friends?

What exactly are you expecting the school to do here?

If he is this fragile, secondary school will be a very long 5 years.

Ds does not have to engage with the boys and it’s not difficult to see why he would not want to. What strategies has the HT suggested to support ds?

Ok - I am confused - what is the purpose of the therapist? I get that schools are often crap and can blame the non guilty party (happened to ds2 - told he was too quiet, I replied that if I was being called a cunt every time I went somewhere I may struggle a bit as well - year 5), but what is that aim of the psychotherapist? I wonder whether you would be better off looking for some sort of social skills group (or preferably the school does something - Lego therapy seems to be the in thing at the moment to structure that sort of interaction practice). Fwiw ds2 and cunt boy eventually bonded over some game (mine craft maybe, it was years ago) & they found a way to interact that didn’t involve bullying.

Are there friendship groups available in other years. Ds2’s school year was very intense as it was very small and when the cunt stuff was going on I encouraged him to spend more time in mixed years - it wasn’t ideal and wasn’t a solution as such but prevented complete isolation. He was much happier in a big school (from year 7). It is hard to avoid in small schools

My DS went to a small school and was not a sporty type child at all. He was excluded, but he was a very confident child. He was unhappy at times, but he held his own.

However, the point I really want to make is, once he got to a massive secondary school, he found his "tribe" and flourished. He loved secondary school and made just a fabulous set of mixed sex buddies. No problems with any of the kids at all. Even those he went to primary school and didn't get along with, ended up, not as close mates, but friends as they grew.

He's 21 now and, he got to secondary school relatively unscathed, which doesn't sound the case with your son. We spoke about his time a school recently and I said, I didn't think moving him would help - running away from problems in life isn't the answer. He disagreed and said he should've been moved. This never even came up as an option whilst he was there. He wasn't bullied physically, he was the odd one out and those differences have stood him well, he's opinionated, intelligent and kind as an adult. He's happy.

I also have a niece who moved school in year 4 due to bullying and she loves her new school and is so glad she moved. Is this something worth talking to his psychotherapist with, in private?

Wishing him a happy school life - he deserves a happy childhood.

It's very difficult situation, I think. All those typical bullying like name calling shouldn't be tolerated. But if your child is different, he may have to understand that not everyone will like him.
My ds has very long hair as a boy, and it's his choice. He get teased at times, but he also know it's kind of expected. School is very good, but still cannot prevent every name calling. Only thing I tell him is there is nothing wrong with him, those who judge has the problem. And he has great group of friends who won't judge.

DS went to huge through school before 1000 pupils, he got to choose his friends I guess. He's excited about secondary.

DS current school has 100 pupils. DS is friends with one of the 8 boys but only out of school.

He is seeing therapist as per HT suggestion because he is very unhappy and hurting himself.

We had no choice to move s hooks fyi.

Bullying

Yes he is different. He's terrible at football and the boys are football fanatics. They also all love Fortnite. My DS tried to play with them, and it was ok for a few days, but they kept throwing him out of the game and telling him how useless he was, so he eventually gave it up..

Is there an unspoken rule among boys that if you don't like football you deserve to be ousted?

From all that you have said, this does rather sound like victim blaming. The HT has not been able to solve the problem so the easiest way out is to say that the onus is on your DS to put things right. Don't let the school gaslight you. The incident with your DS being deeply involved in a book and not noticing the HT is a red herring, whatever the HT says! Your DS had friends before. The issue is that the HT is presiding over a school in which a culture of excluding new arrivals has been allowed to continue. The children themselves say it!

I sometimes think that children in primary schools are like members of a primitive tribe and when someone new arrives they can be very suspicious and territorial. The HT should realise this and have measures in place to allow new children to settle quickly rather than blaming a failure to integrate into the group on the newcomer.

It's important to bear in mind that exclusion is a form of bullying and sometimes the psychological pressure from it can be more extreme than that arising from physical bullying. I don't think the effects of it should be dismissed.

My own DS was in a similar situation when he moved to a different primary school. The other boys would tell him to go away or get lost or simply blank him. All his overtures of friendship were met with a negative reaction. I remember his teacher saying that he just had to find the 'right' way to approach them as if it was all up to him to sort and all he had to do was turn himself into a small boy whisperer and the other boys would allow him to sidle up to them and tolerate his presence.

I don't have any answers but I think it's important to let your DS know that you have faith in him and remind him that he has had friends when circumstances favoured friendship cultivation and he will have friends again in the future. His 'tribe' is out there!

With only 8 boys in the class, and 7 are football fans, it’s inevitable your DS will be excluded. He’s not like them. I know that sounds harsh, but these boys are already a tribe and your DS has nothing in common with them. Unless he gets into football, I don’t see how this can be improved!

However, I think you need to move him. This choice of friends is too small and he’s not going to seek out other boys if he’s fragile. I would look for a bigger school with a greater variety of possible friends. I cannot see what you can gain by staying, especially with the attitude of the Head.

I don't think allowing the footballing boys to 'run him out of town' is right. It sounds like he is prepared to give football a go even if it's not really his thing. He's not trying to impose his own interests on the others but is trying to join in with theirs. He can only improve if he is allowed to take part.

In playgrounds up and down the country, the footballing boys are getting away with stopping others who don't play as well from joining in. If boys want to play seriously, there are after school and weekend clubs but everyone should be allowed to take part in a kick around in the playground.

OutwiththeOutCrowd , I really wonder, if you really believe in what you say.
If 7/8 boys are into football, I really don't think it's realistc to expect those boys to accommodate OP's ds's preference. They are young kids too.

In a big school. it's possible to have different kinds of children. My ds isn't good at foot ball, but enjoys playing during lunch breaks. They normally play against classes. So, there are some who do it in after school clubs, but others who don't as well.

irvine I'm not saying the other boys should accommodate OP's DS's preference. The DS is trying to fit in with their interests not vice versa. All I'm suggesting is that informal playground 'kick abouts' should be open to all who want to join in and not be an opportunity for creating hierarchies and for bullying through exclusion.