HT says not surprised DS bullied?

[Allusernamestakenbutthis]

My DS is new in a school, and unfortunately bullied by boys in his class. The HT was at first very understanding, had talk with boys but behaviour continued, so I returned let her know (she asked me to).

HT told me my son should do more to play with those boys (my son says they blank him/walk away when he approaches them, and she says he’s imagining it). She used an example that one lunchtime, when he was asked to sit in reception, he was so deep in a book he did not engage properly with her; that his lack of self awareness was an issue andperhaps he alienated the boys first. I do not question he was rude towards her, but don’t understand the example regarding interacting with these boys.
We have a therapist to help him. Therapist thinks he should stay away from the boys. These are the only 8 boys in his class FYI.
So who is right?

DS1 not in with the football crowd till Y6. His solution was to play with the girls, with whom he shared more interests. However, he did have the advantage of having been at the school since reception, and therefore not being the new kid.

Ds3 (year 9) is quirky but loves football and it has helped tbh

Ds2 isn’t that fussed about football (will watch it), dances, loves theatre and held his own at a boys school (currently moved to a huge coed school for 6th form where he is hogs heaven with a mixed group just like him).

I do think larger schools can be easier in some cases.

I’m sorry your son is so unhappy. It doesn’t need to be football but something in common helps.

How is it acceptable for the footballing boys to be taught (by acceptance) that excluding anyone different from them quite viciously is in any way acceptable?

What the fuck is going to happen when they grow up if this is acceptable for them now?

I don’t think it’s acceptable to include anyone but in a small school not wanting to play football when all your boy peers do is an issue. It’s fine in a larger school because you have a wider choice of friendship group.

Certainly ds2 who isn’t really a typical boy in interests etc has found larger schools much easier (the larger the school the happier he has been - even though his tiny primary thought he was too sensitive for a large school - it’s sort of counterintuitive

I don't know how anyone can force themselves to be friends with kids who have treated you so poorly? As an adult we would avoid like plague,

I agree with you, OP but to be fair, before your update, you hadn’t said very much about what had gone on, hence I asked a lot of questions to clarify.
Given your update, that is shocking if true and needs dealing with. I’d be putting this all in writing, prior to a formal meeting and asking what they will do to protect your son from this, in no uncertain terms.

I agree with RolyRocks on P1. this isn't anywhere near as clearcut as your title, or OP suggests.

In fact, your OP doesn't back up your title.

How old is your ds ?
How many dc in the class?

On a simplistic level, of course it would be lovely if a new child comes into the school and everyone welcomes them with open arms, but life is rarely that simple. Sometimes, when you are the new child (same as the new neighbour in your cul-de-sac or the new colleague at work or the new person moving in to a flat share or the new recruit on to a sports team), then it helps you settle, if, to start with, you do try to fit in. Yes, everyone has the right to be 'different' and to do their own thing, but then they can't really blame an already formed group for not going out their way to accommodate them.
Once you add in the fact that your ds is seeing a psychotherapist, it seems this is then even less straightforward than in the original post.

For those who haven't read the full thread, or have ignored it:

pushing and shoving in the playground, name calling, being rude eg about sporting abilities, all boys together circling my son and shouting at same time

another girl has also just joined school. She is foreign. And he heard the kids talking about how they were going to exclude her because she was getting too friendly with someone's best friend. When he asked why they would do that, the boys laughed and said it's what we do to the new kids.

This is not about not fitting in. This is bullying. If you describe this kind of activity as "just normal" "that's just how life is", then please do fuck off back to the fifties and then fuck off some more? In the 21st century we call this bullying, and it is the responsibility of fully grown adults to establish a culture and processes that prevent this. Not to have a rather weak little "chat" and then victim blame.

Is it driven by one child? That’s what happened in ds2’s case. A child joined the school, took a dislike to ds2 & the group dynamics led to something similar. The school’s response was similarly hopeless & it was only resolved by ds2 & this one child bonding enough over minecraft to mean that ds2 was tolerated really.

The school were hopeless but I do also think it is really difficult to deal with this sort of situation effectively in tiny schools because the group dynamics are so intense. Even if you can get the hideous kids to drop the more recognisable bullying that can be picked up the exclusion from the group and sense of threat remains.

Ds2 was fairly miserable there until he left really - even after the bullying had stopped.

Can you not move him to a bigger school ?

This is a small school problem where the children are already in close friendship groups. They simply don’t see the need for anyone else who isn’t like them. Boy or girl.

They are children: and plenty of children don’t really engage with children not like them and, believe it or not, adults don’t either. This is how friendships form. It’s not fair to expect children to embrace others who are not particularly interested in their passion just because there is some idea that they must be inclusive. In sport, it’s quite normal to be sidelined if you are not very good! It will continue in life. School teams are never full of children who are not very good.

In a larger school, children might participate in a bigger variety of activities and more children might be like him. That must be better for him if it can be achieved. He might find something he’s good at and make friends as a result of that.

I do agree with pp, that this is small school problem. In lower primary, there were definitely a divide between boys who preferred football in my ds's school. In upper primary, they were less. My ds never liked football, so stayed away from those children. But now in yr6, he realised he actually found it fun as a lunch time activity. There are always mixture of boys and girls, who do it seriously or do it just for fun. My ds never wants to join football club, but easily included in a big school with children with varied interest.

God, move him. Or take him out and home school til secondary. He's miserable and hurting himself.

From what youve said it really, really isnt him. These kids are bullies and the fact that there a few boys in his year and the Head is more concerned w blaming him than helping him means this is not going to get sorted.

Poor boy.

Thanks, he is being moved.

OP: I do hope you have managed to find a school with a larger pool of possible friends. Assuming you have found a school that is. My younger DD moved schools and always did manage to find a friend or two very quickly. She had not really formed lasting friendships when she moved in Y1, but when she moved again for Y4, she settled very easiliy into her new school where there were 45 girls. There were after school clubs and very many options to play with others. Get DS to name a few children early on and invite them round to play. I hope it goes well for him.

I told the HT about DS getting teased about his speech (they were mocking him). I brought it up in a meeting as DS was miserable about school in general, meltdowns daily etc (he was 5, and was diagnosed with autism eventually aged 8)

She said, well if he talked properly it wouldn’t happen.

Final straw, he never set foot in the building after that.

Good luck OP, I hope your DS finds a nicer bunch in the next school. Poor kid, to be gaslighted by a shitty adult on top of the bullying is just too much for a little boy.