Favouritism - has anyone successfully managed to bring this up with the teacher?

[pretenddirewolf]

DD is in year 4. For the last few months she has mentioned on and off that she feels one of the other girls in her class is the teacher’s ‘favourite’ and that she is also a favourite generally within the school.

I spoke with DD about this in more detail and some of the examples she gave for feeling this way were- the girl being called on in class far more than anyone else to answer questions, being chosen to help with sought-after little jobs by the teacher or by the Head more regularly than anyone else, being chosen often for key parts in shows and assemblies and not being reprimanded in the same way as others for the same behaviour- eg, one child getting caught talking when they were supposed to be quiet resulted in a consequence, later on- when the girl was caught doing the same she was called a ‘chatterbox’ but no consequence.

I can certainly verify that the girl does appear to often receive main parts in shows etc, but in terms of life inside the classroom I can only go on DD’s concerns. DD doesn’t complain much, and even about this, she is not really moaning that she wants to be picked instead, just that she’s observed this going on and she doesn’t think it’s fair. One of my concerns is that DD is losing enthusiasm to involve herself in class discussions or to put her hand up for things because she says matter-of-factly ‘X will probably just get picked’.

Has anyone had this situation and successfully chatted about it with the teacher without putting backs up? Or would you leave it and accept it as one of those things?

I don’t have any advice, but I do have an alternative perspective to offer, because I suspect my child might be a ‘favourite’ within the school. She’s in Y3.

She was Mary in the nativity play in Reception. She did a small part in Y1 because I suggested that she didn’t volunteer for a main part – but she ended up being asked to introduce the play as well. In Y2 she was very much THE main part. She has no out-of-school drama experience, unlike some of her classmates.

In both Y1 and Y3 she was the person picked from her class to be videoed demonstrating a maths task for the school website. When external people visit the school to assess things or interview children, she is quite often picked. She has an almost-daily conversation with the headteacher at the end of playtime (because she often offers to hold the doors). She volunteers for things all the time.

Her Y2 teacher said her memory is amazing and she has ‘corrected’ the teacher on more than one occasion, but has approached it politely with no gloating. DD has recently commented that her Y3 teacher (who is quite young and new to teaching) has got into a habit of checking some facts with DD when answering other children’s questions.

She is the school council member for her class (elected by her classmates).

I often find myself wondering why my child appears to be a ‘golden’ child in the eyes of the school. I am not a governor, am not on the PTA, do not volunteer for anything school-related, so those commonly sprouted reasons for children being picked don’t apply to us.

I can only assume it’s because she’s reliable, polite, modest, intelligent, confident, articulate, sociable and well behaved.

Of course, I don’t think teachers should have favourites, but some children must be easier to work with than others.

Thanks for your reply LetItGoToRuin.

It’s really interesting to hear things from another perspective. The parents of the girl in my DD’s class are also not on the PTA or Governors or help in school at aI totally agree with you that some children must be easier to work with- in the same way that in any group of people some will ‘gel’ and some won’t. In the case of an adult working with a class of children, then it is important to be professional and make sure you are treating the children as equally as possible.

The last thing i want to do is make me seem one of ‘those’ parents, and I would try very hard not to say it in an inflammatory way, however I also feel like I want to make the teacher aware that this is how DD perceives things.

It’d a difficult one!

I also have one of those kids that appears to be a favourite (i also have one who is most definitely NOT!!) so not my parenting - pure fluke!

She is kind, capable and has lots of empathy. I think she is just really easy to teach etc.

Teachers are human nad busy and it stands to reason they may have certain kids they can rely on.

It’s so hard, isn’t it?

I think it would be extremely difficult to find a way of mentioning that your DD has noticed that a single child is being chosen and nobody else is getting much of a look-in.

However, if your DD is showing a reluctance to participate because she ‘knows’ (from past experience) that she will not get asked, I think it would be sensible to mention that to the teacher at parents’ evening.

This needs to be about your DD’s involvement in the class, not about another child.

Thanks KaliforniaDreamz- again, interesting to hear from the other perspective. I agree that being easy to teach helps and there are probably children that can be relied on more than others for certain roles. But taking my DD’s class as an example, they seem to be a lovely group (I’m sure they have their moments!)- from how DD chats about the other children there would certainly be a large percentage that could be relied on to do various things. In the case of answering questions, I did ask DD if perhaps the girl was the only one who knew the answers on those occasions in which case the teacher would of course pick her to answer but she said no, there were several with their hands up each time.

LetItGoToRuin - yes, I think that is the way I would have to come at it - that I’m worried that DD will retreat from discussions etc. She’s already reserved in class so they say.

What if it is your child that is feeling disgruntled and not the other kids? By which i mean perhaps it is less of a problem per se and more about your child feeling envy? then it could be time for the comparison is the thief of joy convo....

just a thought, not meant to imply anything nasty xx

Well - it’s a teacher’s job to include ALL the children in class answers and discussions. It’s not professional to choose the same child or small number of children. Some schools have tried a “no hands up” experiment where the teacher asks the children without knowing who might know the correct answer but, of course, might have an opinion.

Teachers displaying favouritism is a fault and I would see the Head if it’s truly genuine! It is not inclusive and it’s dismissive of the other children.

My DNeice, several years ago, wasn’t given tuition for level 6 Sats. Two boys were. She now has level 9 GCSE, they don’t. The teacher clearly favoured the boys but she was wrong to do that. Apparently DN would have been upset if she didn’t get level 6! She was more upset at not being given the chance! Therefore, speak up. This type of teacher is a dinosaur and all children deserve to be heard. Not all will want parts in plays (avoiding plays with a huge main role gets over this) but in lessons they should all contribute. Ask how your DDs confidence can be boosted given that she’s never encouraged to give an opinion! What are they actively doing to allow her to contribute?

Looking back I think I was a favourite of various different teachers at school. I didn't enjoy being picked for everything. I didn't enjoy being moved to the front of the class to sit next to the naughty children do that they would behave! But I had the qualities listed by the previous posters. My parents were not PTA or involved at all in the school. It's just that those teachers could trust me with responsibilities and big parts in the play.

My son was often picked for speaking parts despite not doing drama because he spoke well and clearly, given the little jobs eg. Take the register to the office because as the teacher said he knew he would go there directly ,drop it off and come back without delay, could also pass on messages directly. However DS found this annoying rather than an honour! He would do vote of thanks for visiting speakers etc. However he would never put his hand up in class but teacher would often therefore ask him to get him to speak up more.

Sometimes a child's perception is not what is really happening.

KaliforniaDreamz No don’t worry, I know you’re not implying anything nasty

Yes this has crossed my mind and I think I need to have more of a chat with DD. I need to determine what’s actually happening, but I guess that is easier said than done. I think it would be one thing if DD came home and said “I’m rubbish at maths but X is brilliant- it’s not fair” as she would then be envious of someone’s natural ability and as you say, a good opportunity to sit down and talk about her own abilities and not comparing herself too much with others. However she isn’t saying that as such, she seems more envious of the attention given to this girl rather than anything.

BubblesBuddy thank you- I agree that it is unprofessional for a teacher to show favouritism and sorry that happened to your niece. Sounds like she has done well.

You’ve given me some ideas of things to ask the teacher that will hopefully be constructive going forward.

Happilyacceptingcookies My DD did said that she wouldn’t want to ALWAYS be picked either, but she wishes it wasn’t always ‘X’. I wonder if this means that I should take it more seriously, as she doesn’t seem to be seeking it only for herself...

ShalomJackie - thank you - you mentioned about the teacher giving reasons why your son was picked regularly- was that said to him or to you-just out of interest really? I think DD might be the sort of chid that needs to sometimes be brought into discussions actively- maybe that is something to ask for.

There seems to be a common theme that there is a perception by teachers/parents/children that the reason they are chosen for jobs for example is because they can be trusted and relied on. But I struggle to get this logic as while I know all classes are different and it may depend on ages somewhat too, in DD’s class I would say that a large percentage of the class at the age of 8 -9 could be relied on quite well to say get a register back to the office. Yes there’s a few that might struggle to do it sensibly but most would be fine I would have thought. Surely there can’t be such a small number that can be trusted and if so, then more children need help with getting to that stage where they can be....

Wha would having a parent involved with the PTA/governors have to do with it?

I am teacher by training (not currently in classroom)

The only way you can approach this is via the concerns you have for your dd.

So you could catch the teacher at the end of the day and ask if you can have a word. Then say that your dd is coming home discourgaed, and a bit down, and you have finally got the the bottom of it and she feels that it isn't worth putting up her hand, or volunteering for things, or putting herself forward. When asked why, she just says - Oh X will just get asked to do it. She sees one or two children doing everything and is disqualifying herslef form everything.

Your concern is then focussed on the effect on our child, and hopefully the teacher will address that concern. It should also flag up to the teacher that she has become a bit biased.

I have 3 dc, and one was teacher's pet for two years. To be honest, being teacher's pet brought her from a shy, reserved, underconfident child to the place where she became head girl in year 6. But if you only saw her in year 6, you wouldn't realise the effect that amazing teacher had on my dd.
My other two are the opposite of teacher's pet! But one has had a lot of teacher and TA input due to stuff that her classmates will not be aware of, including suicide threats. She gets asked to do little jobs, and appears to be confident etc, it is all a front, and the jobs are so that she has lots of little interactions with various adults keeping an eye on her. She has also had massive parts (narrator) in every school play/assembly her class has done. Not her choice, in fact she would much rather have been a speakless pirate than the narrator for example, but it is noticeable that since year 1, hers is the only voice that carries to the back of the hall.
It isn't always as it seems.

My DS had one of these in his class throughout primary, it was very obvious and she was also the Deputy heads daughter but I really don't think the school noticed that she was picked for almost everything. Those reasons that she was reliable etc are true but for goodness sake, there are 29 other pupils in the class, surely a few others actually a big number in my DS case are ALSO reliable and would probably shine if they ever got the chance. I never said anything as my DS wouldn't have wanted me to but it did annoy me and I do think it's totally unprofessional

I would say it's definitely not an advantage for the child in question. The children who excel in primary school in this way are usually not the same as those who excel in secondary. The child often gets used to being seen as smart and sometimes teachers encourage this e.g. the poster above whose DD thinks the teacher genuinely needs her help with bits of factual information. It can come as a major hit when they get to secondary and are no longer the star, aren't picked first for plays and are treated as just another member of the class.

Yes but it kind of came up organically at parent's evening about how he was just a sensible, reliable child and therefore that was why he was asked to do his jobs (male teacher). Also all the teachers said he never spoke up in class (ie. hands up for questions) so they would kind of pick on him to answer especially if no-one volunteered because he was clever and did usually know the answer but again it might look to others like he was being asked even when he didn't put his hand up and I did if you see what I mean. Another teacher said she didn't use hands up method she actually had a randomiser app which would select pupils to ask and would even out who was asked over the course of the term which I thought was fantastic.

Is there a parent's evening soon that it could be slotted in (somewhat seamlessly) rather than making a special trip, email, call about it?

I think school should generally do stuff randomly as otherwise it is often the oldest who are the most reliable and confident and then they get more practice and gain more confidence.

Good point OP. Your daughter isn't just seeking it for herself and probably has a wider view of the impact it has on the whole class, that's quite grown up in itself! If you spoke to the teacher maybe it could come from the attitude of "is there anything DD could do to be picked as she feels discouraged" rather than mentioning X who always gets chosen.

Teach your child about confirmation bias. She’s obviously focusing on this perceived ‘favourite’ and so any adult attention on this other pupil will reinforce her perception of favouritism. She might be overstating things - it is possible.

It could well be that the girl is being favoured, but do consider as well confirmation bias as mentioned by a pp above. Perhaps it's worth watching the situation a little over time. I had a little girl in my class complain another girl was always getting certificates - she really wasn't, I was meticulous about keeping a running record so all children either got 2 or 3 over the year.

I have two dcs. One is definitely a favourite with teachers. The other most definitely is not.

My heart breaks for my eldest who’s been written off as naughty etc. He’s not - he has genuine struggles with writing, concentration etc. He is not naturally suited to school.

My youngest is born for school. Every teacher so far has said she’s a joy to teach. She’s articulate, smart and, dare I say it “cute”. I help in school and I see time and time again the cute little girls are favoured.

Teachers are human with unconscious biases. My (non educational) workplace has really only recently tried to address unconscious bias through training - schools don’t have the time or resources to really tackle this.

I would talk to the teacher.

Teachers pick the kids who are low aggro to do various tasks. They need to pick someone they can trust to do things without a fuss.
It may not be favouritism, but they probably want a quiet life. It is human nature.
At work I ask people to do tasks who will get it done without a fuss. Of course I ask others to do things too, but I know what makes my life easier.

I haven’t read the whole thread (dashing out the door to work but read some whilst eating breakfast!) so sorry if this is totally not the case/ been mentioned. But my Mum is a foster carer and has been for years. And we’ve had lots of dealings with school as a result. Teachers are well aware who is in foster care/ who has issues at home and I guess they do tend to go easier on those kids. Maybe something somewhere along the line has happened with this little girl to mean they try to make school life just a little bit nicer because home is not so easy. Might not even be anything extreme. Like I said sorry for not having read the whole post and I might be waaaay off track. But sometimes I think teachers try to be extra kind to kids who have been down on their luck so far. Hope your little one doesn’t feel too left out!!

DS1 was picked for everything in much the same way and for the same reasons already given. DS2 less so, because he wasn't as confident.

I think your DD is probably jealous of this girl. I would talk to her some more rather than the teacher to see if that's the case.