How to tame a tell-tale

[Allusernamestakenbutthis]

DS is like the playground policeman and likes to tell teachers when kids are misbehaving. Teachers appear to be getting annoyed but encouraging him to confide more. Why can't teachers straight out tell him what is or isn't worth reporting? What is the normal protocol in these situations? DS is 7.

Or perhaps you could?

Explain that if someone is getting hurt/bullied or property is being damaged then he should speak up but otherwise it is probably not his business. If he is constantly telling tales then like the boy who cried wolf he won't be listened to when he is telling about sometging serious as he will have become background noise.

Why is is the teachers job?

I tell mine that they should tell on someone if someone or something is being hurt. Otherwise they should mind their own business.

Of course I have countless times, but since it's mostly at school playtime, was wondering why they don't also reinforce it? If there some kind of school protocol where you don't want to upset the little darlings lol?

My daughter used to do this when she was about three and at her childminders. Not only did she tell on all the other children but she used to bring up every previous misdemeanour they'd ever committed. Example "Benjy just snatched my toy, and yesterday he threw mud all over the patio and he was mean to the dog and he didn't eat his lunch and he weed on the carpet" etc. Still makes me laugh thinking about it. Sorry to go off topic a bit!

Personally I think teachers that have to deal with this have the patience of a saint. I could never be a teacher as I would tell the little ttkes to just stfu!

Ah, yes, I have one of those. A face like thunder if a rule is being broken and not dealt with...

DS's school had a PSHE session on Big problems and Little problems - and the appropriate treatment of each. I thought this was good, and looked it up, and remind him of it, and we discuss it a bit. It helps.

TBH, the teacher just needs the knack of telling the child when enough is enough, but still leaving it open for big stuff - I don't envy their balancing act (I have enough of it at home where he tries to police his brother!)

@shalomjaxkie I would be ok with that minus profanities of course.

@eattothebeat that's what DS does.

I think I would try and explain that the child who is being sinned against must tell the teacher. If that child finds it difficult, your DS could perhaps take the child to the teacher? But nothing else.

Don’t they have playground supervisors? Explain it’s their job to supervise. Obviously this will be a career choice for DS or a Policeman!

@allusenames which is precisely why I could never be a teacher!!

I always say "Is your name in this story?" when a child comes to tell me something that is clearly designed to get another into trouble.

One of my stock phrases used to be "Thank you for telling me. What do you think I should do about it?"

We had a lovely poster in the classroom once with four rules about 'telling'. Eg Is someone doing something dangerous? Are you hurt? Wish I could remember what happened to it, we could do with putting it up again

A bit like this one

Children like him will be disliked by peers. And he will get that eventually.
I really don't think it's ultimately teachers's job. It's more of parents' job to teach their children what's need to be told and what isn't. I see it, it is difficult depending on each children. My ds was very vocal when he was younger, but toned down slightly with age. I feel sad about it, but then, you have to live with other people too. So sooner or later, children need to learn if it's the right place to accuse someone of wrong doings or not. And most opportunity happens with parents rather than teachers at school.

Yes that's why I want to stop it. Thanks for the fab suggestions above.
School like to sit all kids down and sort through their issues. Teacher really does go above and beyond but finds it tiring obviously. I suggested to them that while I appreciate their efforts maybe they were giving too much emphasis to my DS and to just tell him, basically the steps in the poster above.

I was told just yesterday to find another school if I didn't like the way they did things.

That’s a very brittle response from the school! I would probably take up their advice! However I’m a bit of a hot head at times. I tend to agree with you that there is an alternative way to deal with this. When the teachers are absolutely fed up, they might try being firm and wave him away! Getting him to not see a teacher for a whole play time, for example, and build that up to a week and beyond would be good goals. I think you have lots of tips to work on too.

I cannot believe that they said find another school. That is totally off.
I will start looking for another school for purely that reason. Your ds is only 7. He is still very young. In my country, he would be first/second year of his school life. Unbelievable. The school is no good, if that's how they deal with children without dealing with individual children's different needs.

It's possible that the adults on playground duty are different every day like ours. It would take a few weeks for anyone to twig that a child was doing this all the time!

Wow I can't believe they said that! I'd be doing exactly that.

I remember my eldest doing this. One day he came home from school and told me in quick succession that he told the teacher that Marcus was throwing mud but he was very annoyed with Jane because she told the teacher about him and his friend throwing leaves in the bin.

I explained that you tell the teacher only when you want to get someone out of trouble not into it. For example if someone is going to get hurt.

Of course parents should discuss with the child when to tell or not but it should also be dealt with at the time at school. Young children only learn when it's immediate. Saying five hours later you shouldn't have told won't make an impression if the adult he told to acts as though he's done the right thing.

It’s tricky though. They do go through a stage when they are working it all out.

When they are little we say ‘don’t hit back, come and find me, I’ll help you sort it out’ and hopefully model conflict resolution. But as they get older we tell them to stop telling tales and sort it out themselves!

Maybe discuss those four rules with him, you can have a poster up somewhere visible at home and it will be just as effective (for your child!) as if it was up in the classroom.

I like "are you telling me this story to get someone into trouble, or out of trouble?" I.e. only tell me it if someone is hurt/has been hurt etc and needs help

I had a real classroom full of tattlers last year. Every time they came back in, it was this noise of who did what to whom on the playground. I ended up with a new policy of 'nice dobbing' as soon as we came back in. They all sat on the floor, and could put up their hands, and could tell me something nice that they had seen someone do on the playground (pick up rubbish, help out someone, etc). They both then got a sticker. It really cut down on the whinging that went on.

The other thing I taught was that when they came towards me with 'that' face on (the one that was 'I'm about to tell you what someone else is doing' face), I would hold up three fingers 1) is it important 2) is it about me and 3) does this mean I need to interrupt the teacher? To start with, before they could tell me anything, I would go through the three questions. It got to the stage that I could just hold up my three fingers and often they would just turn around and walk away.

Hell yeah to nice dobbing, our school does this too.

My dd was born with a clipboard in her hand too 🙄. Destined for a career in Social Justice, or Tax audit.

We gently interrupt her when she launches into the transgressions of her classmates/friends group with this question: ‘Is it very serious, or are you just feeling like being a bit of a Dibber Dobber Doughnut right now?’

And we try (now at 8yo) to unpack the mid-level dobbing scenarios with her, to role-play what she would do next time, in the moment, to improve the situation. She’s fiercely loyal, so mostly it’s being cross on behalf of victims of unfairness (mild bullying, etc). Anything else we dismiss as ‘keep going with your game, that’s their business not yours’.