Unauthorised abscence of ‘sick’

[retainertrainer]

DS (age 10) has a residential trip at the end of this year. He doesn’t want to go. He’s just not ready for the sleep over aspect of it and I don’t think it’s right to force him into it. He’s the only one not going and he’ll have to go into the lower year for 3 days. I can imagine how humiliating that’ll feel for him. I don’t really want to pretend that he’s sick, it’s mean making him lie and throwing a sicky isn’t really something I want to teach him.

I thought a letter to the head explaining that we’re taking a short family break instead. It’ll be unauthorised and we’ll face a fine but I don’t mind that so much.

Just interested in other opinions.

[C8H10N4O2]

Or we could realise that everyone is different, including our kids

^This.

One of mine was like this, the others were fine. A year later he was ready and enthusiastic for his Yr 6 residential.

They all came out of nappies, walked, talked, read and did everything else at slightly different times from each other. Somehow they survived this horror of failing to be identikit and turned into adult professionals making their own way in the world.

[retainertrainer]

Some of these replies have given me a really good giggle.

DS is very similar to me. Confident, out going, intelligent, social (I’m getting a big head now I know!) but a home body.

I was exactly the same as a child. Enjoyed lots of extra curricular activities but felt sick when sleeping away from home. We have the same family set up in that there’s been no opportunities for sleepovers (my gp’s had all passed away, well all but one) and DS’s are disabled.

Thank god I had a mum who understood my personality. She listened to me, she never made fun of me, never forced me and never judged me as weak or stubborn. She brought out the best in me. I flourished into a confident and resilient young lady (and I faced huge adversity in my late teens/early twenties).

Im nearly 40 now and I’m exactly the same . If I’m away with my family, with ‘my’ people, I’m fine. Conferences and I get that familiar homesick feeling. It doesn’t stop me going of course, but I don’t enjoy them. It didn’t stop me going on residential trips at 14,16 and 20 but it did stop me from sleeping over at friends houses when I was 9/10 (primary residentials weren't a thing in my school).

Anyway, my point is I know my son. I know that I’m not raising an ineffectual snowflake (god I hate that phrase!).

Why the hell shouldn’t he say no to one thing he’s not comfortable with.

I’ve read some utter bullshit on this thread.

For all the fantastic, constructive replies, thank you. Most of the good advice has already been followed (eg,sleep overs here first).

I’m going to give it a few months and if DS still doesn’t want to go then I’ll book us a family trip somewhere. He’s got an excellent attendance record so I don’t care about an unauthorised absence.

[Lumpy76]

Am I being unreasonable to think that there are some genuinely horrible parents on this site...make him go etc....really...sometimes I am completely flabbergasted at what I read on mn. The OP wasn’t even asking whether anyone thought she should make her ds go on the residential! Of my 4 children who are secondary school age 2 have chosen to go and 2 chose not to...so what? One ds who didn’t want to go is talking about going to China on the school exchange!----

[Racecardriver]

I think you may be trying a bit too hard to keep him happy. It doesn’t send the right message. It’s one thing not to send him on the trip but letting him miss school to avoid a bit of embarrassment isn’t really ok.

[retainertrainer]

Telling a child they never have to do anything that challenges or worries them because mummy will take them off on holiday instead doesn't exactly foster resilience.

This this is the exact type of bull crap I’m talking about. I’m doing no such thing, you’ve made that entire situation up in your own head to be inflammatory. It’s just such a silly reply. Just don’t waste your energy typing such nonsense.

[RCohle]

I think that's a bit harsh actually Lumpy.

Just because some disagrees with your parenting choices doesn't make them a "horrible parent".

Certainly no one I've seen on this thread who disagrees with the OP's chosen course of action has said she's a horrible parent because of it.

[retainertrainer]

Racecardriver yes I understand the point you’re making there and it does seem that way but I can assure I’m not that parent (ok maybe in this instance!) but generally that’s not how I do things. He gets the ‘right’ message 99% of the time.

[WatcherintheRye]

If there's one thing I've learnt, both from personal experience and from observation, it's that one sure-fire way to encourage independence is to let children do things in their own time at a pace they are happy with. Honestly, people explore the world most confidently from a secure base where they don't feel threatened or uncomfortable.

[CarolDanvers]

I think some parents are unimaginative and misguided and genuinely believe they're doing the right thing rather than genuinely horrible. I think that maybe they weren't parented particularly empathetically themselves maybe and for whatever reason believe that being tough and no nonsense with their child is the best way to parent. Or they just happened to have robust and not particularly sensitive children in the first place but convince themselves that it's their no nonsense parenting that ensured this. Personally I think it's quite old fashioned parenting and I am glad that I don't think that way because I had parents who did and I don't like them much and rarely see them. I understand as an adult, to a certain extent, why they parented as they did, they had been harder upbringings than they gave me but it definitely broke bonds gradually over the years and I absolutely hated them and their so called Tough Love as a teenager. There was no trust, no feeling that I could go to them if I had a problem. I'd hate my kids to feel that way about me.

[MsChookandtheelvesofFahFah]

Does your son want to do the day time activities? If so either take him daily or have a holiday nearby if the distance is too far and he can still get there every day. If he doesn't want to do the activities I think he needs to be in school but as others have said, he'll enjoy himself in EYFS or KS1 as an extra pair of hands and will find it interesting.

[RCohle]

Yes, parents who encourage their slightly nervous kids to go on school trips and see how they feel when they get there are at worst "horrible parents" and at best "unimaginative and misguided".

[PenguinPandas]

Several at our primary didn't go and unofficially school let them not turn up. Maybe have a chat with school. I wouldn't make him go .

[Inforthelonghaul]

I totally get the not loving sleepovers but and I think that’s absolutely fine. I do think though that at 10 he’s old enough to understand that all decisions have a consequence and that if it means being in with the younger ones for a few days so be it. It’s his choice and he should own it. Odds aren’t wont be the only one that doesn’t go anyway.

[IWannaSeeHowItEnds]

There is a difference though between being slightly nervous, but still excited about going and definitely not wanting to go (for whatever reason. In the first case, yes you'd gently encourage your child to try it, but in the latter it would be wrong (imo) to force the matter.

[NOTthepinkranger]

Pavlova you sound utterly vile! An odd bod you’re the odd bod for even assuming a child would be considered that.

[Pixiedust49]

I hated sleeping away from home as a child. My parents “ forced” me to do it before I was ready and it led to sleep issues/ night terrors for many, many years. Even now ( mid 50s) I still dislike nighttime/ going to bed. If he’s not ready, he’s not ready. Simple.

[CherryPavlova]

NOTthepinkranger Please tell me you have experience of children being supported, nay encouraged, to miss out on the school experience every other child is having? We’re told there is no real reason he doesn’t want to go, he just doesn’t fancy it so, hey, he gets a holiday instead.
The children who I have known who have been encouraged to do exactly what they want, when they want without challenge tend to be those who isolate themselves from their peers.
Is it kind to assume other children will see it as a bit odd? Possibly not, but it’s the reality. His class will feel snubbed and he will be less integrated because he is missing a shared experience.

[NOTthepinkranger]

I was never once considered an odd bod for not wanting to go away with my class, I just didn’t want to go.

Clearly you’re less mature than primary school children.

[C8H10N4O2]

His class will feel snubbed and he will be less integrated because he is missing a shared experience.

What utter nonsense.

Only a total drama queen would assign so much importance to one event in a child's development.

[Yabbers]

all decisions have a consequence and that if it means being in with the younger ones for a few days so be it. It’s his choice and he should own it

Maybe OP wants to teach him that she has his back, and will support his decisions, rather than him being taught that if he doesn’t follow the crowd and have the courage to say no when he doesn’t want to, there are “consequences”

The children who I have known who have been encouraged to do exactly what they want, when they want without challenge tend to be those who isolate themselves from their peers.

DD9 cannot be pushed. Most of the time she can’t be encouraged. She knows her strengths, know what she is capable of and will get to where she needs to be in her own damned time. If we continued to push her, all that would happen is all 3 of us would be miserable. She is not at all isolated from her peers. Nowadays kids aren’t expected to be sheep and follow the crowd.

[retainertrainer]

CherryPavlova please keep it coming, you’re giving me and my DH a great laugh. You couldn’t make this shit up.... oh wait, you are!

[GnomeDePlume]

I am not sure when the year 6 residential trip became so common. Age 10/11 is such a variable developmental age. Some children are totally ready to go away, others less so or not ready at all. Expecting the unwilling to go because they might enjoy it doesnt seem very empathetic to different children's needs.

[Norestformrz]

"His class will feel snubbed and he will be less integrated because he is missing a shared experience" nonsense!
He may however feel left out when they first return as they will naturally chat about the trip but this will be short lived and life will continue as before.

[retainertrainer]

He’s 9 Gnome (year 5) he’ll be just 10 when he goes. You’re right, there’s such a broad range of development in his class-physically and emotionally.