Unauthorised abscence of ‘sick’

[retainertrainer]

DS (age 10) has a residential trip at the end of this year. He doesn’t want to go. He’s just not ready for the sleep over aspect of it and I don’t think it’s right to force him into it. He’s the only one not going and he’ll have to go into the lower year for 3 days. I can imagine how humiliating that’ll feel for him. I don’t really want to pretend that he’s sick, it’s mean making him lie and throwing a sicky isn’t really something I want to teach him.

I thought a letter to the head explaining that we’re taking a short family break instead. It’ll be unauthorised and we’ll face a fine but I don’t mind that so much.

Just interested in other opinions.

[alltheusernames]

@IWannaSeeHowItEnds what's that dear?

[TulipsInbloom1]

I genuinely don't understand what is embarrassing about going into a lower class for three days.

[RoseMartha]

My dd who does have SN did go but did not stay overnight as it was in driving distance from home. Would this be an option for you? She was not the only child who did this.

Is the residential location close enough that you can drop and pick up daily? He will get to join in without staying over.

I had to push a bit at the school for this as they were not used to this option. But they did agree eventually and for my child it was the best solution and they liaised with the residential place on our behalf. The other kids were always welcoming in the morning when she was dropped off. She did abt 8.45-5.30. But you could probably extend if it suited your son.

Go with your gut feeling and what your child would like. Dont let others pressure you into something he is not ready for.

[PassTheGinPlease]

Why will it be weird?
My DD didn't want to go on a school residential, she went with the year below her for the 3 days and loved it, she was the oldest there so it was a novelty to the younger ones and she was quite gutted to have to rejoin her class!

I don't see how there is any difference between throwing a sicky and lying that you're off on a break. Why take a fine over something so silly?

Either be honest or send him in. Honestly I think you're babying him far too much and you won't be doing him any favours when he won't be that far off secondary.

[Nonky]

alltheusernames - how EXACTLY would you MAKE your child who really didn’t want to go, go?

[Nonky]

‘My kids don’t have anxieties’ well bully for you! Aren’t you lucky. You are therefore in no position to pass judgement on parents of children who do. Having an anxiety about going on a residential trip isn’t being babyish, really isn’t going to make the slightest bit of difference to how they settle at secondary school.

[CharDeeMacDennis]

LMAO at the shocked ones here. Glad some more sensible replies have arrived to counter them. My 10 year old hasn't gone on his Y6 trip. He's been on a couple in previous years, was fine but didn't like sharing a room with his friends or the creaky beds 🤣


I encouraged him to go but he was sure he didn't want to, so I said fine.


He's a lovely confident boy who knows his own mind, that's all. He's not even keen on staying more than one night at my mum's, even though they're very close and her house is much nicer than ours and she feeds them lots of crap indulgent things they wouldn't often get here.


He just likes to be in his own bed with his.own things at nights.


Sorry if this comes out as a wall of text, am on the app and it.doesnt seem to let me do paragraphs 🤔

[SofiaAmes]

My dd did not want to go to sleepaway camp when she was 10 and all her friends were going. Or even when she was 12 and all her friends were going. But at 14 she flew to Europe by herself (we live in Los Angeles). She just needed to be ready and wasn't ready when the other kids were. She is now a confident mature 16 year old, planning another trip around Europe by herself this summer.
I like the suggestion that a PP made of having your ds help in the classroom with much younger kids while the others are gone. It could give him confidence to be the "mentor" to some younger kids.
Whatever you do, it's better to be honest about it. Your ds needs to see that.

[IWannaSeeHowItEnds]

Stately homes is a long running thread on relationships for people whose parents would not have considered themselves neglectful or abusive in any way, who met all the physical/financial needs of their DC but whose parenting was harmful nonetheless and caused real problems for their DC in adulthood.

[FamilyOfAliens]

how EXACTLY would you MAKE your child who really didn’t want to go, go?

We have a very high number of anxious children and parents in our school. Not sure why! I organised for someone from CAMHS to come in and do a parent workshop on understanding and managing anxiety in children. We had a great turnout and the feedback forms showed that parents really appreciated being given strategies to support their children to do things outside of their comfort zone.

Does your school have access to a CAMHS primary metal health worker who could give you this kind of support with clear, evidence-based strategies that you could try? Imagine how he’d feel if he challenged himself to do something brave and actually came back having enjoyed it?

[Nonky]

I have absolutely no issue with parents supporting and encouraging their children to do things they don’t want to do but to ‘make’ them do it is a whole different story.

[retainertrainer]

DS isn’t an anxious child, I’m not lacking in confidence. He isn’t mollycoddled. He just doesn’t like sleepovers.

[BrokenWing]

I wouldn't take him out. He has a choice go on the school trip or go into the lower year while all his friends go. Taking him out sends the wrong message that if you don't try new things it doesn't matter because mum will come up with something easy and better anyway. That's how snowflakes are built

The were a few mums at ds's school that agonised over sending them as they weren't ready, but in the end, mainly due to peer pressure, they all went and all had a brilliant time. They do so many activities that they don't have time to be homesick.

[littleleeleanne]

How far is the residential from your house? Can he go during the day and you pick him up at night so he doesn't miss out?

[FamilyOfAliens]

Ok, OP, I was trying to help because I have many years of experience of supporting parents with this sort of issue, but I can see that’s not what you want.

[grenadezombie]

I'd be quite concerned as to why a 10 year old couldn't do this trip,

Nobody is saying he CANT.

He DOES NOT WANT TO.

That is ok.

[catkind]

I think it's a really good idea to go and help with an infants' class, it'd be dull to sit through things he's only just done the previous year but with little ones it would be like a mini work experience for him, and he'd be useful. And as PP said the little kids would love having him around, year 5s not so much.

[catkind]

Sry meant to say - could you raise that with school as a possibility?

[retainertrainer]

FamilyofAliens-sorry that wasn’t directly aimed at you. Just replying to the bashing I’ve had. I do appreciate that you were trying to help unlike many of the other comments. Apologies.

[Soontobe60]

It isn't but unusual for a 10 year old to not feel confident about a sleepover with school. It is more rare that at 10 they have never slept out at grandparents etc ( unless they're not close).
In my experience of organising school trips like this, we always encourage every child to come, with arrangements in place for a parent to collect them if they really are upset at night. That way, the child feels less anxious knowing there's a solution if they get upset. I've never known a trip when this has had to happen in 25 years though.

[Onandonandons]

I agree with your approach op. You're respecting your child's wishes. We didn't have residential trips at my primary school. I remember not wanting to go on guide camp when I was 11 and my parents didn't make me. I went on overnight trips no problem when I was 12.

[10PollyPockets]

Check your local authorities rules on fines, you should be ok taking him out for 3 days unauthorised. My la only fines for 5 or more days absent so whilst they wouldn't authorise 3 days holiday i wouldn't get a fine either.
If you are in the position to take a short break or even do a couple of day trips somewhere then I would do that instead.

[user789653241]

There are always some children who doesn't want to go. I am sure the school have experience of that. I would speak with school, and try to come up with solutions. It may be to stay with younger year group or maybe something else. But don't imagine things and get stressed up by it. School is normally helpful when you reach out. Don't leave it to nearer the time. You should speak with school now to come up with something that is good for both school and your ds.