Unauthorised abscence of ‘sick’

[retainertrainer]

DS (age 10) has a residential trip at the end of this year. He doesn’t want to go. He’s just not ready for the sleep over aspect of it and I don’t think it’s right to force him into it. He’s the only one not going and he’ll have to go into the lower year for 3 days. I can imagine how humiliating that’ll feel for him. I don’t really want to pretend that he’s sick, it’s mean making him lie and throwing a sicky isn’t really something I want to teach him.

I thought a letter to the head explaining that we’re taking a short family break instead. It’ll be unauthorised and we’ll face a fine but I don’t mind that so much.

Just interested in other opinions.

[sirfredfredgeorge]

There's nothing wrong with not wanting to go, but there is something quite strange to describe the completely reasonable option of staying in the school as "humiliating". There's nothing wrong or unusual with being in another class, OP why do you think it would be humiliating?

[DobbinsVeil]

DS1 didn't go on his residential and the school authorised us taking him out for the week along with DS2. He does have ASD and tbh the teacher wouldn't have wanted him on the trip which probably tipped the balance!

DS2 was anxious about his Yr6 trip, but he did go on it. He really didn't enjoy it and was a tearful mess for the entire weekend after. No long-lasting problems from it, but he certainly didn't gain anything from the experience either. I though the whole class was going hence strongly encouraging him, but in fact there were 2 or 3 who didn't.

[retainertrainer]

Fuck me, people pull you apart don’t they! Ok ‘humiliating’ probably wasn’t the right word. ‘Mildly embarrassing’ is that better? Less strange?

[ArabellaUmbrella]

Actually I'm surprised he's the only one not going. When my DS had a 5 day residential, there were about 30 children who didn't go (its a 4 form entry school so around a quarter) They put them all together in one class and did loads of fun activities with them.
In your position I'd probably keep him at home, just have unauthorised absence its not the end of the world. I don't think I'd go away but maybe have days out instead.

[grenadezombie]

Fuck me, people pull you apart don’t they

They certainly do. What arseholes.

You are doing well OP.

[DelphiniumBlue]

Firstly, I don't think he should be forced to go. If he's not ready, I can't think of a single good reason to make him do something which would make him unhappy. I know school's day it's to promote independen ce, but the reality is that it's not about independence, it's about doing what everyone else is doing and sleeping in a place he doesn't feel safe. You know your own child best.
1 of my 3 was like this, he did go on a couple of short residential at 11 and 13, and hated it, was really unhappy especially at night.He refused to stay away from home overnight again, wouldn't even go on holiday, until he left to go to university.
In your case , I would plan a few days of fun educational stuff, museums or learning a new skill, and then tell the school that's what your doing, in order to save them the bother of having to decide what to do with him. I doubt you'll be fined.

[Mrsrockwell]

I’d ask the Headteacher if, instead of working with the year below, he could be a helper with reception pupils, or help out as a runner for the office. That way he can have some role that gives him another experience rather than feeling embarrassed.

[GnomeDePlume]

DelphiniumBlue's suggestion is a good one. Don't ask the school, tell them this is what you will be doing.

Just because your DS isn't ready for this now doesn't mean he won't be at a later stage. My DS didn't enjoy his primary school residential at all. A few years later he went on his cadet annual camp and had a blast. He was ready for it.

[merrybloominchristmas]

We had 11 kids not go last year. They spent all week doing arts and crafts and games and had a ball. If he's not ready, don't send him.

[user789653241]

I don't think people are pulling you apart. It's just your responce to this is slightly OTT. Like many pp said, there are many like your child. But your responce is a bit different, assuming your dc will be humiliated.
Many children have to make a choice, go to residential or be feeling slightly embarrassed to stay at school. Not a big deal.

[Jaxtellerswife]

My parents couldn't afford to send me in year 6. School said I would have to go into year 3 for the week.
My mum tried to work out something better but they wouldn't budge and mum let me stay with my man for a week instead.
It didn't affect anything and is right up there with my favourite memories

[Nonky]

Or go on the trip or not going on the trip and NOT be embarrassed because why should they feel embarrassed for not wanting to do or not feeling able to do the same as the majority of children? I bet if we were all told to go on a weeks residential trip there would be as many of us who would hate it as loved it! Why should we all be the same and why should kids all like and be able to do the same things?!

[sirfredfredgeorge]

Nope - it may well be embarrassing not to go on the residential - other kids may wonder why, that I could understand, but given that decision. I cannot imagine any arrangement in the school, or bunking off for the time can make any difference to it.

Indeed, I think being in school, as likely more positive than bunking off, which is why I cannot comprehend that part of it, again what is the embarrassment?

[Nonky]

OP I think you know your child better than anyone else and know forcing them to go would be dreadful. It would only be a problem if your child was desperate to go and you said no! Can you imagine what the posters who are criticising you now would say to that!

[PerspicaciaTick]

I think that my default position would be that he needs to go (while quietly making a plan B if he really can't). Most of our local secondary schools do a y7 trip to France with at least one night away, so it makes sense for children to be well prepared for that.
However, if he doesn't go then I see no reason why he should be humiliated to be with the younger children. In fact this happened to me because we moved house and I started a new school just 4 weeks before the new school's residential trip. My parents thought a week away with no friends or familiar adults was too big an ask. The school were great, they gave me some special projects to do, I acted as an assistant to the class teacher. I had a ball and felt very grown up.

[youarenotkiddingme]

I didn't think my ds was ready for yr 6 residential and made plans for doh g days only. School were great with him (he has asd) but he hated being away overnight so much he hasn't ever done it again! He's now 14 and yr 10!
You are right not to force it.

I'd just put in a form saying you are doing a family 3 day residential to coincide with the school one as you feel it'll give him equal opportunities to his peers and he'll gain more from it than being in a lower level classroom. It's only 6 sessions so la can't even fine you!

[Aquilla]

Personally I wouldn't be rewarding weakness/stubbornness so I'd be packing him off to school on those three days with very little fuss or ceremony. Social cohesion is what makes society work.

[Heyha]

I'd have hated an overnighter at that age, didn't affect me that badly as I now run overnight trips (and am sympathetic to those kids finding it difficult!)

Take him on hols. The school will probably be glad they haven't got to make arrangements for him in all honesty so would expect it to be unauthorised but be amazed if they fine.

[merrybloominchristmas]

Aquilla? Wtf?

[MyDcAreMarvel]

My extremely shy dd went on a school residential in year 2 age 6. You are doing your ds no favours by not sending him age 10. The fact that he isn’t confident is more reason to send him not less.

[GeorgeTheHippo]

I think keep an open mind on the trip so he is free to change his mind later - just in case. But you're probably right he won't go, you know your child.

I wouldn't keep him off school though. That is kind of teaching him that unusual things are to be feared and hidden from. I think he has to go into school, in another class or whatever. He won't be the first and he likely won't be the only one in his year.

[Nat6999]

I went on a 5 night camping trip with the Guides at 10, I didn't want to go as I had never been away from home without my parents, I wouldn't even stay overnight with my Grandparents. I had an awful time & spent most of the 5 nights in tears begging the Guiders to ring my parents to fetch me home, they refused to allow me to go home. I never went on any overnight trips with secondary school as I just didn't want to be away from home, I still don't like being away from home & I'm in my 50's, I grit my teeth so I can take DS on holiday but am so much happier on the journey home.

[Notmorewashing]

Mine would be going come hell or high water. I don’t agree with molly coddling.

[RCohle]

Have you spoken to his class teacher and told them that your son is anxious about the sleepover element? They are likely to have a number of strategies in place to tackle this that may put your mind at ease.

I do think that a lot of kids pick up on their parent's anxieties and are actually completely fine once they are away. They are kept very busy on these trips and are too knackered to feel homesick.

Personally I would be a little worried that keeping him off rather than making him spend the time with the younger class would be sheltering him from the consequences of his choice not to go. Of course be shouldn't be forced to go if it would genuinely distress him, but I would want him to have some sense that he can't just opt out of things he's a bit nervous of with no unpleasant repercussions at all.

[EvaHarknessRose]

Don’t decide or tell him the plan yet. Just go with ‘you get to choose if you go on the trip or not, and if you don’t go you will need to be in school those days.’ Then nearer the time talk to his teacher about what to do about the days in school.