Unauthorised abscence of ‘sick’

[retainertrainer]

DS (age 10) has a residential trip at the end of this year. He doesn’t want to go. He’s just not ready for the sleep over aspect of it and I don’t think it’s right to force him into it. He’s the only one not going and he’ll have to go into the lower year for 3 days. I can imagine how humiliating that’ll feel for him. I don’t really want to pretend that he’s sick, it’s mean making him lie and throwing a sicky isn’t really something I want to teach him.

I thought a letter to the head explaining that we’re taking a short family break instead. It’ll be unauthorised and we’ll face a fine but I don’t mind that so much.

Just interested in other opinions.

[grenadezombie]

Mine would be going come hell or high water.

Genuine question.... why?


I don’t agree with molly coddling.

Listening to your child is one of the biggest things you can ever do for them. You must be confused, Mollycoddling is something else.

[grenadezombie]

Personally I wouldn't be rewarding weakness/stubbornness

Sorry what?

Not enjoying something doesn't make a person either of those things. How odd.

[Norestformrz]

My child attended the residential in Y4 and Y5 but decided they didn't want to go again in Y6 ...no mollycoddling just preferred to stay in school

[Loyaultemelie]

I have an 8.5 year old Dd1 who has dyslexia and is being assessed for asd and add and will be in no way able to cope with the residential next year (she knows this and is a bit worried about being laughed at but more worried about going and not coping) her teacher and next year teacher met with us and the SENCO and suggested a few days break for the family would be a great idea and that way dd still got a trip of some kind without the anxiety

[Loyaultemelie]

Sorry punctuation seems to have disappeared

[serialtester]

For some kids going home is the best part of the school day. I'd hate to be forced on a residential with my colleagues for 3 days.

[reallybadidea]

Some of the responses to this are absolutely baffling. I thought we'd come a long way from the "stiff upper lip, misery is character-building" method of parenting. Obviously not!

The age at which children are ready to stay away from home overnight is on a broad spectrum, just like most developmental stages. And this is just a school trip we're talking about. One of my children missed his residential due to illness. Doesn't appear to have had any negative effects on friendships, confidence or independence.

[Maldives2006]

My 10year old has ADHD (inattentive) and dyslexia, he’s been on ski camps and summer camps since he was 8. He has benefited massively and it was not in his native language.

Obviously I appreciate every child is different but I have lots of little hints and tips to aid preparing for camps feel free to PM me.

[EdkenePomtufe]

Is your ds year 5 @retainertrainer?

We had a similar issue but the school identified a child in the year above who had been really nervous and unhappy about the residential beforehand the year before, but had gone along and enjoyed it in the end. They got this older child to buddy-up with DS as a mentor for a different project so they could get to know each other, and then when the residential trip was getting closer DS was steered towards asking this older kid about their experiences and was sufficiently reassured that he felt able to go.

Depending how far away it is, would you be able to arrange to go and fetch him after the first night? He might agree to go for one night understanding he would be collected after a single night away. There might be a decent chance that actually he had so much fun during the initial 24 hours that he asks to be allowed to stay for the full duration - but if that doesn't happen then at least he got some of the benefit.

If he doesn't go then the school is being very unimaginative saying he will go in with the year below and that could be challenged but taking him on holiday would be inappropriate.

[SenoraSurf]

In my school when a student has too much anxiety to come in to school, it still counts as illness. Save yourself the aggro, go on a nice break and call in sick stating anxiety issues x

[Foodylicious]

Absolutely do not make your son go, but if possible let him know he does not have to decide right away.

If he could be keen on the idea, are there perhaps 1 or two other children/friends he could build on over night stays with?
Maybe start with more teatime visits and nights at yours to increase his confidence with them then try a stay at one if theirs?

[HenweeArcher]

Could you involve him in a group like cubs/scouts to help foster some independence? I do think 10 is plenty old enough to be ready for overnight stays in normal circumstances.

But if he really can’t go, I’d probably just take him out of school for a few days. He won’t learn anything as the only child not going and I’ve never understood this attitude that you must go to school, regardless of whether it’s useful, come he’ll or highwater.

[PopCakes]

I wouldn't listen to people who say force him to go regardless. It won't help a sensitive child (I know from experience as a sensitive child).

It's a good idea to build his confidence by pushing him to his limits but not beyond what he can manage. As his mum you're best placed to know where his genuine limits lie. Nervous children will often resist pushing themselves so a bit of a push is a good thing but too far and he'll become less confident.

[CarolDanvers]

I haven't read the thread fully as I knew you'd be roasted with a ton of doom and gloom about what an ineffectual adult you'll turn out. Bore off.

My dd has high functioning autism and on the surface is fine but would never have coped with the year 6 residential. I got her a doctors note and took her to Center Parcs. Any chance you could do this? You know your child they are not ALL the same and some won't cope. I get so bored with fed up with this insistence that children are little automatons who will have "THE TIME OF THEIR LIVES!" Yours might, mine won't. Get over it.

[CarolDanvers]

Mine would be going come hell or high water. I don’t agree with molly coddling.

Yeah my army Dad was like that. Haven't seen or spoken to him for years so...

[Artfullydead]

I'm sure it's never crossed OPs mind to talk to the class teacher

HE DOESN'T WANT TO GO. Jesus.

Slowly. So we understand.

If you hate or are scared of horses, you won't book a hacking holiday, yes? That would be your idea of hell.

Somebody might say "Have you spoken to a counsellor to identify where this fear of horses comes from?"
"No," you might say, "I don't come across them in my day to day life, so I'm happy to avoid them."
"But what if you meet a friend with six horses who wants to go galloping over the hills with you?"
"I would politely say no, it wasn't my thing."
"What if you meet someone who has a horse and ..."

I'm boring myself now but you get the idea. He doesn't like sleepovers. Some people don't.

It's really fine.

I'd take him away OP. Have a nice trip :)

[RCohle]

Yes but unless he lives at home until he's 45 he is going to have to sleepover at some point. So it's not really feasible for him to indefinitely "avoid horses".

[Artfullydead]

Er are you sleeping over? I'm not, I'm at home

[user1466518624]

OP my ds let the head talk him into going on a residential and he was miserable the whole time and it has taken 4 years for him to have the confidence to go again as part of his Duke of Edinburgh.

Have a lovely trip, don’t take any notice of the threads that say he should go. You know your child better than anyone.

[RCohle]

I'm not still living at my mother's house, no.

[C8H10N4O2]

Waiting until closer to the time to make the decisions is sensible - they change in fits and starts at this age and come Summer he may feel differently. I would also talk to the school - as PPs say, they are used to dealing with this and should have some support in place to help if he does want to try it.

Has he had friends sleepover with him successfully? Doing it that way round sometimes helps with the idea.

The idea that because he is nervous about sleepovers at 10 he will somehow be an anxious adult is about as sensible as the idea that if a child isn't out of nappies at 2 they will still be in them as adults.

Just ignore such nonsense and focus on what helps DS develop in his own timeline.

[CarolDanvers]

He will sleep over when he’s ready. Why this determination that other people’s children should be doing things the way you or yours did and if they don’t then there’s something very WRONG and he will never launch into adult life?

[Fontofnoknowledge]

I know, here's an idea. Let's all support our children in not doing anything they feel is difficult, uncomfortable or challenging. That will be a great bit of parenting.

'We are a small family'
So ALL OTHER kids in the class have siblings and grandparents on hand for regular sleepovers ?

Sounds to me like OP doesn't want child to go and child is telling mum what she wants to hear. DS ' I don't want to go mum, I will miss you too much'.... OP 'don't worry darling, you don't have to go I'll speak to the school'.

Not doing him any favours.

[CarolDanvers]

I know, here's an idea. Let's all support our children in not doing anything they feel is difficult, uncomfortable or challenging. That will be a great bit of parenting.

Or we could realise that everyone is different, including our kids and not make parenting decisions based on what others who have never met us and know nothing about us or our children, decide is The Right Way To Do Things.

[RCohle]

I agree with Font.

I'm not talking about frogmarching a weeping child onto a school trip.

But kids do pick up on their parents' anxieties and a bit of brisk "isn't it exciting, you're going to have such a wonderful time darling" often works wonders.

Telling a child they never have to do anything that challenges or worries them because mummy will take them off on holiday instead doesn't exactly foster resilience.

(I'm talking about NT children, I fully realise this isn't the case in all circumstances.)