Unauthorised abscence of ‘sick’

[retainertrainer]

DS (age 10) has a residential trip at the end of this year. He doesn’t want to go. He’s just not ready for the sleep over aspect of it and I don’t think it’s right to force him into it. He’s the only one not going and he’ll have to go into the lower year for 3 days. I can imagine how humiliating that’ll feel for him. I don’t really want to pretend that he’s sick, it’s mean making him lie and throwing a sicky isn’t really something I want to teach him.

I thought a letter to the head explaining that we’re taking a short family break instead. It’ll be unauthorised and we’ll face a fine but I don’t mind that so much.

Just interested in other opinions.

[spreadingchestnuttree]

So "going along as a parent helper," as someone suggested, is an absolute no-no.

Dd's school need some parent helpers to make up the numbers, so this happens every year at her school. Surely it's less of a "no-no" than missing the trip completely?

[MaverickSnoopy]

I would do as you as doing.

When I was 10 I didn't want to go on the residential. I wasn't ready but then I wasn't the only one so it wasn't an issue. My parents tried to prepare me by organising a weekend away at a family members house of whom I was close to. The second they left I was panicked and whilst I just about managed one night (although spent much of it awake) they had to come and get me a day early because I was in such a state. They didn't make me go on the residential after that. When moving to secondary school I was probably one of the most independent and mature people in my year group but I hated overnight trips. I'm a home body, always have been always will be. I went on plenty of trips as I got older but I always struggled, I even hated the trips overseas when I was at university and couldn't wait to get back. I used to feel immensely homesick. I'm fine on holiday but then I'm always with the people I love but I always look forward to packing up and coming home.

I absolutely do not see a link between this trip and being ready for secondary school or not. You can prepare your son for secondary school in other ways. If his desire not to go is more vocal than his desire not to be the only person left behind then it's the right decision.

[Nonky]

Blimey - I cannot believe the unsympathetic replies you’ve had! You are not asking for people to tell you to just send your child on the residential but what would be the best alternative option!!! Not everyone has children who are ready for sleep overs and school reaidentials at 10. It doesn’t mean they are molly coddled or not independent! Why should children HAVE to be able to stay away from home at the age of 10? I’m 41 and don’t particularly like being away from home yet am confident and have a job that involves me having to present to people on a daily basis. OP - it’s very easy for people to say ‘just make him go’. You know your child, if it’s not right for them it’s not right for them. I agree that there’s not going to be any educational value in sending him to a younger class so make the most of it if you like and take him away! If adults could stop being so flaming judgemental life for these kids that don’t necessarily fit every box forced upon them would be so much less stressful.

[LIZS]

You have months to plan a few family sleepovers and ease him in. On these trips kids are kept occupied som minimal time for homesickness and teachers are used to the occasional jitters. If he joins a lower class they will give him responsibility as a helper , like timing at sports day, not just lump him with younger kids. Would he be the only one? Is this really about him or you?

[CherryPavlova]

You sound like it’s you lacking confidence and passing that on to your son. Of course he should go. Of course you should tell him to be part of it. He’s no longer a baby, he’ll be leaving primary as an oddball who missed out on important rites of passage. He really doesn’t need more years unless you want him to grow into a very anxious and antisocial young man. Sometimes we have to push children outside their comfort zones just as we have to step outside ours.

Arrange for a sleepover with friend for one night beforehand.
Ask specifically what the issue is rather than “I don’t want to go”.
Make sure he has the skills to cope with being more independent.
Start giving him more independence- going into town, walking home from school, cooking, laundry, car washing or shopping for you. That sort of thing.
Leave him at home whilst you pop out to the corner shop, garage or doctor.
Talk to teacher to help understand the why.
A small family makes no difference whatsoever.

[solittletime]

It's not THAT unusual! There's always one at least that for whatever reason doesn't go. Up to you what to do for those three days but quite standard for the school to suggest sitting in another class. He won't be the first or the last. Don't over think it, He will take his cue from how you react to the situation as well.

[LadyPenelope68]

I'm a Year 6 teacher. Every year we have at least one (usually several) children who are like your son and have never stayed away/don't want to go because of that. Please talk to the school as they can work with you, to prepare him and encourage him to go (my own child was the same). It's a fantastic opportunity for him to go, and something he will remember, please do anything you can to get him to go.

Any good staff will do all they can to help them through the homesickness. I've spent many an hour sat on the floor in a dormitory in the small hours reassuring/holding a hand, to deal with homesickness, and every child I've taken who was initially reluctant, has loved it.

[Yabbers]

Never had residential trips when I was 10. I grew up to be independent and capable.

If he doesn't want to go, don't force him. DD 9 is doing one in May. She is apparently well up for it. I fully expect that to change as we are packing her bag. If she does get there, I won't be at all surprised to get a call to collect her. Anyone who wants to judge my parenting claiming I "haven't prepared her" 🙄🙄 can fuck off. You don't know me or her, walk a mile in my shoes and you'll learn something.

In your situation I'd have a family trip too. No sense him being in school.

[Nonky]

How dare people describe kids who don’t go on residentials as ‘oddballs’ - ffs!

[grenadezombie]

Why is a 10 year old not ready for sleepovers with school trip, that’s unusual.

Not as unusual as being so short sighted. People are not all the same. That includes 10 year olds. Honestly you should engage your brain before lowering your blow.


OP we have a few In our P7 that don't go on residential, it isn't seen as odd in the slightest. Some kids just don't want to. It's fine. None of our kids bat an eye lid and if there are enough left behind school take them on activity days out ice skating and horse riding etc.

[Porridgeoat]

Ask if he can help out in infants instead. That would be great for his confidence, interpersonal skills and he would be very popular with kids

[retainertrainer]

Cherrypavlova 🤣

Thanks for all the other replies.

[FamilyOfAliens]

Dd's school need some parent helpers to make up the numbers, so this happens every year at her school.

We always have enough staff to go on the residential - it’s such a lovely trip and the children form lovely bonds with each other, which is invaluable if they’re going up to secondary together.

OP, if you’re still reading the comments, speak to the staff, who will have come across this many times before. Try not to think if it as a “sleepover” and focus on the activities they do together. You could sell it to him as a holiday, but with friends instead of family.

[Norestformrz]

"It’s pretty self explanatory isn’t it?" Obviously not ... and I'm speaking as the mother of a child who didn't want to go on the school residential and spent the week in another class and as a teacher who has years of experience of children who didn't take part in residentials and not one of them felt humiliated

[Yabbers]

You sound like it’s you lacking confidence and passing that on to your son

WTAF? @CherryPavlova This is the most ridiculous comment I've seen in a long time.

[AlexaShutUp]

School is not optional, so I think you should give him the choice - either he goes on the residential or he goes into school and joins the younger year group for that period.

FWIW, one of dd's friends didn't go on the year six residential, and really regretted it later. 10 is not tiny - unless there are SN that you haven't mentioned, I think you should be doing everything in your power to support him so that he will be ready by the time the trip comes around.

I would not take him out of school though, nor allow him to pull a sickie.

[alltheusernames]

I'd be quite concerned as to why a 10 year old couldn't do this trip, I think that needs addressing (not sure how but frankly I'm the kind of parent who would make him go) at first I thought the holiday option from what you presented, but now I think perhaps he needs to learn that he is acting a bit young so time with a younger class demonstrates that. That probably sounds harsh but I'd be careful not to mollycoddle. Does he have many friends? It would tear my son up to know his friends were off on a jolly without him.

[WinterHeatWave]

I suspect school have to offer something - can you imagine the response to "it's fine if you dont want to come on the residential but you will not be able to attend school either" that would equally get some parents backs up.

Do what is right for you son - residential, school or unauthorised absence. Although I think I'd be tempted not to make the days off school too amazing, or he will expect similar every time, and might decline a trip he is ready for because he knows you will strange something spectacular!

[IWannaSeeHowItEnds]

So how many adults are happy about being forced to do something and having no say over their own lives? The OP knows her child better than anyone on here and if she says he isn't ready and doesn't want to go, that's good enough. Children are individuals and are entitled to have their opinions respected and their wishes taken into account.
Personally, I don't see the need for kids to have long residential trips while in primary school. It really has no bearing on their ability to be independent adults. Kids are ready for these things at different ages.
My DD has done overnight trips but wouldn't want to do more than one night at a time. We have a long school residential coming up - she isn't going. I will send her to school since she isn't the only one not going, but if it was only her, I'd have no hesitation in keeping her off if she wanted to stay home. Going in with younger kids is often nice but it has no educational value and is only to keep attendance records up.

[Schmoobarb]

If he doesn’t want to go I wouldn’t make him (although he might regret it in future when everyone talks about it when they get back - which they may do not just in the playground but in class and assemblies too). However maybe I am cruel but I wouldn’t be indulging him with a holiday. If he was mine I’d be telling him if he doesn’t go on the residential he’ll have to just suck it up at school.

[Schmoobarb]

And I really don’t see how going into the year down for 3 days is humiliating. It’s just a practical measure, not like he’s being kept back a year.

[cathyandclare]

One of DD's friends was like this at 10, she tried the residential trip and had to come home, she couldn't cope. She grew up and grew more confident, boarded at sixth form and had a ball at uni. Missing a year 6 trip does not mean you're inadequate or an oddball.

[Yabbers]

I think perhaps he needs to learn that he is acting a bit young so time with a younger class demonstrates that.

That is actual bullshit and an horrific way to deal with a child who is displaying anxieties.

I really do despair for those kids who's parents can't accept that everyone is different and it's ok not to fit the mould. It's not about mollycoddling, it is about understanding.

We read here frequently about how posters were raised and it impacted badly on them (my own childhood was of the "just get on with it" type and I'm still trying to recover from that). I have never once heard anyone say "I wish my parents had been less understanding"

[IWannaSeeHowItEnds]

alltheusernames carry on like that and your kid will be posting about you on stately homes one day.

[bowchicawowwow]

Crikey. My own child didn't go on the yr 5 residential trip. She just doesn't like being away from home and she wasn't the only one either. She does go to sleepovers etc but wasn't happy about 4/5 nights away and I wasn't going to force her. Her and a few others merged into a year 4 class for the week and it was no problem. By year 6 she was really up for going and had a great time!