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Primary education

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Weekly Awards upsetting my son

52 replies

Ahmawa · 09/10/2018 15:02

So each week the teachers award a certificate for the best in literacy, numeracy and general behaviour / helpfulness.

Now my son is competitive and he's upset that he hasn't received an award and it's upsetting him. I have not asked how the teachers decide who gets the award but I did ask the teacher how my son was doing and she mentioned he is one of the top 3 or 4 in the class.

How do I deal with this? Do I approach the teachers or tell my son these awards don't really matter.

Everytime I ask the teachers what more can I do, they say just keep on doing his homework which we do.

OP posts:
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ProfessorMoody · 09/10/2018 15:07

If your son is one of the "top 3" in the class, it is likely that he's receiving praise and positive feedback a fair amount.

Weekly awards show recognition to those children who excel in areas that aren't praised as often, or that have tried very hard etc. They're a way of showing all children that their efforts are recognised, even if they aren't as successful at certain things as others.

Teachers usually make sure everyone gets one at some point. I have a book where I and my TAs will write who has received them and the date, so that we can ensure everyone eventually gets one.

Instead of speaking to the teacher, or telling him that they don't matter, I'd be working on his resilience skills and the ability to recognise that everyone needs to have a fair chance. With 30+ children in a class, it could be 30 weeks until he gets one! He needs to try and understand that this is the case rather than being told they're pointless, as they certainly aren't pointless for the children who never get anything.

EffYouSeeKaye · 09/10/2018 15:07

Are you in the uk?

ladyvimes · 09/10/2018 15:09

Tell him to get used to it. His turn will come round!

ileclerc · 09/10/2018 15:11

Is he in reception? So there have only been 5 or so weekly awards? He'll get his turn.

Please don't bring it up with the teacher, instead teach your son about resilience and being pleased for others.

TeeBee · 09/10/2018 15:12

That's life, we don't win everything. Rather than degrading the awards for those that have earned them, how about encouraging him to work harder or teach him how to be happy for other people. It will do far more for his development than guilt-tripping the teachers or teaching him not to value the achievements of others.

Thatstheendofmytether · 09/10/2018 15:12

I think it's more about the effort a child pits in that how good they are at the subject. Well sometimes anyway.

sirfredfredgeorge · 09/10/2018 15:17

You need to ask the teacher the specific question that your son wants you to - "my son is upset about the awards, what does he need to do to get one?"

Your teacher was bonkers telling you "top 3 or 4 in the class", since you have no idea of what the ability of the class is.

EffYouSeeKaye · 09/10/2018 15:35

Unless you are abroad somewhere (or possibly Scotland) then it isn’t even half term yet. Also, how old is he? Depending on his age, I would be more concerned that he is getting upset so soon over a weekly award.

RedSkyLastNight · 09/10/2018 16:19

Good idea for your child not to get too invested in the awards as well. They will either be on some sort of rotation so every child gets one, or you'll have a situation where some dc get loads and others get none. Much better for your child to focus on doing his best.

user789653241 · 09/10/2018 19:04

It's only been 5 weeks, so 3 x 5 weeks means only half of the class got it anyway? So, half of the class are in same situation as your dc. Surely his turn will come soon.

ShawshanksRedemption · 09/10/2018 19:58

If your son is competitive he needs to learn to accept that winning is only one part of life. He needs to learn how to handle things when he doesn't win.

Pud2 · 09/10/2018 20:58

‘Top 3 or 4 in the class’.

Very unusual for a teacher to make a comment like that.

Awards like this have nothing to do with ability ranking. All children will get one eventually. Definitely don’t bring it up with the teacher. You’ll be that parent....

Jenniferturkington · 09/10/2018 21:33

It’s only the 5th or 6th week of term, he will get his turn. Please don’t ask the teacher when she will give your ds the award. It will probably mean that a) she will feel pressured in to giving it when he hadn’t really deserved it, or b) she will deliberately leave him until last.

Tomorrowillbeachicken · 09/10/2018 23:59

Tbh I just tell my son that these things will never matter in the long term.

AmabelleOnabike · 10/10/2018 00:12

IMO they'll get a max of three a year. My kids were always griping about not getting an award but that's how it goes. And yes, i am sure the kids who need the encouragement get it in the form of awards when necessary. Both of mine were middle of the road, quiet and worked away, never caused trouble. Unfortunately that doesn't get attention. Even less so in secondary school where one teacher said she didn't know who my child was because they weren't a trouble maker (nor top of the class).

The lack of an award might help to learn to lose gracefully too.

TheSteakBakeOfAwesome · 10/10/2018 07:40

DD1 was one of the last to get the award in her class - no issues with that, her behaviour kept slipping and blowing it for her - I do have issues with the fact that the teacher's pet last year (who was a lovely lovely kid admittedly) got it like 4 times before DD1 got it and how that absolutely buggered up her self esteem to the point where she still regards herself as "the naughty kid".

In the end I did have a chat with the class teacher, not as in a "my kid hasn't won this yet why not" but in the way of she's decided that she's just a naughty bad person because she doesn't get the star award so you know what's going through her head - reinforced I wasn't pushing for her to get it, and left it with the class teacher - who did go on a bit of an effort praising any positive behaviour to prod her gently in the right direction a bit... she finally nailed the award about a month or so later - and apparently her reaction was utterly priceless.

brilliotic · 10/10/2018 09:04

There is a weekly 'good behaviour' reward at our school.

There are 38 weeks in the school year and 30 children in a class - if it were a case of 'everyone gets a turn' then indeed there is time, across the year, for everyone to get a turn. DS didn't get 'a turn' in the whole of Y1 nor in the whole of Y3 (once at the very end of the year in Y2), some children got it 3 or 4 times.

If it were a case of actual good behaviour being rewarded, then, by what the teachers and the headteacher tell me, DS should be getting the award every other week. But he didn't get it once (in two separate school years).

DS is not very competitive, but super anxious about behaviour. When we told the teacher that the reward system was making him even more anxious, the response was 'It isn't meant to make the children anxious, it is meant to encourage and reward good behaviour!'
Well the intention may be good, but that doesn't change the fact that for some children, the actual effect (vs. the intended effect) is negative - hightened anxiety, self-labelling as naughty, loss of confidence. But of course school holds on to its 'popular, successful system' and doesn't listen.

So we were in a similar position, OP, in that we had to deal with a behaviour management/reward system that our DS wasn't 'getting a turn' on and that was causing negative effects.

In our case we emphasized A LOT that we didn't care about the 'points' (in our case), but we DID care about his behaviour. We told DS that we wanted him to behave well wether this good behaviour was acknowledged with points or not. That we expected him to behave well because it is the right thing to do, not because there might be points to be earned.

We also had talks about how things didn't need to be rewarded when they came easy to you. That what some children were being rewarded for, were things that they really struggled with.
And we emphasized that his good behaviour was being noticed, and rewarded in its own way. For instance (we didn't say this to him but it is true): If there were situations where it was word against word, DS and a 'naughty' child, then generally, DS would be believed.

So we tried to find a balance where we didn't 'undermine' the system as a whole, but emphasized that for him, it was his good behaviour that we cared about, rather than any certificates or awards.

But personally, I hated it - you should have seen how incredibly anxious it made our DS. To a point that is unhealthy. It took a lot of work by us to ameliorate the situation, with zero help from the school. The system, meant to 'encourage good behaviour', for DS caused rather significant mental health issues. I am not a fan, and get very cross whenever I hear 'ahhh poor poppet, but it's not meant to make you anxious' (or similar).

user789653241 · 10/10/2018 09:20

brilliotic, my ds was very similar, he was usually forgotten to be given a behaviour award that everyone gets until the end of year. Luckily, he didn't really got affected by it.

But I can totally see your point. It can certainly have negative effect on children with general good behaviour not getting recognised.

Ahmawa · 10/10/2018 09:33

There are 3 awards given every week and there is a class of 18. So hopefully he gets one this week if they are on a rotation, but I agree with brilliotic as to the unintended consequences.

He is in reception. I expect there will be a parents evening just before or after half term?

OP posts:
user789653241 · 10/10/2018 09:45

Parents evening depend on each school. School website or news letter etc should tell you when at your school.

If class of 18, yes, hopefully he will get it this week. If not, have a chat with the teacher. Since he is only in reception, these things are a quite big deal for young children.

makingmiracles · 10/10/2018 09:51

Sometimes it’s a case of the compliant, well behaved get overlooked.
I’ve never been on both ends of the stick, one son with challenging behaviour, plenty of praise and certificates and opportunities to do things that others weren’t given and now with a compliant well behaved child who seems to get overlooked and sees the inequality of less well behaved getting points and rewards whilst he doesn’t.
As others have said, best to try and teach resilience as often life isn’t fair.

makingmiracles · 10/10/2018 09:51

*ive been

User9870 · 10/10/2018 10:33

its still early in the school year and plenty of time to get certificates.

It does seem sometimes like the well behaved ones get overlooked.....but even the children who are lowest in ability can try hard and deserve a certificate for trying and maybe succeeding at something which may seem simple to your child.

My dd came home a few times upset she hadnt got any of the certificates, then the last week of term she was given the "star of the term" award which came with a trophy.

If it gets to spring/summer terms and no certificates then have a word with the teacher, ask how they are awarded and is there anything your dc can work on to try and earn one.

Lamplightlady · 10/10/2018 12:23

Our experience: the teacher seemed to took a view on who 'needed it' most and some kids had gotten the star of the week/rabbit to take home/badge etc several times and my able, together child had gotten nothing. After sobbing her way home several times towards the end of term 1, I spoke to the teacher, whose eyes rolled and told me she would have to wait her turn...by the time she got it, she resented it so much, she didn't want it...

Witchend · 10/10/2018 19:12

Assuming he's in reception:
He's had what 4/5 weeks of school.
Firstly don't get hung up on him being "top 3 or 4 in class". At that stage the main thing that relates to is what they've done before and will have no correlation to what they'll get in GCSE or even much upon how they'll be performing by the summer term.

Secondly: he'll get those rewards around once every half term. It seems a long time between then. I'll put bets that if he'd had the maths one in the first week, he'd now be saying very similar things about "never getting it" because it seems like that to them.
I think you need to wait at least until half term before mentioning that sort of thing to the teacher.