If your child never gets chosen for anything, how do you deal with it?

[Tallzarazara]

Ds is in year 6, he said to me yesterday "mum, I've been at that school for 6 years, and never, not even once have I been chosen for anything".

I didn't know what to say, because it's true.

He's not got that good at sports, but he loves sports all the same, does every after school club, tries out for every team, but never ever gets picked. To make matters worse, the only time he got a letter saying he'd been chosen for something, it turned out it had been given to the wrong child and was withdrawn

Every month there's some tournament or another with the same names popping up.

He's plods along academically, doesn't struggle but isn't top of the class, but he's never going to be picked for the gifted and talented days or anything like that or chosen for any outstanding work.

He's does Cubs and football outside of school, never gets man of the match or wins anything.

I get that there are kids who may be just better at stuff or whose parents run the school teams but that isn't any consolation to ds who is feeling left out.

I’d point out to your beaver leader. Don’t say the same kids always get picked but suggest some special attention. Maybe they could give him a special responsibility/ keep their eye out for prizes/awards for him.

I was that kid. Made me feel pretty worthless, really, my entire school life. I mean, even when you try your hardest and it's never going to be enough to even get you noticed, it's just sad :( I read a post by another Mnetter the other day and she said something similar so started an award for her son's school and now every year they give the award to a kid for just being awesome/trying their best (something like that), and every year she gave £20 for them to give to the kid as an award. Thought that was anice touch. It's a shame not every child gets recognition.

Make sure your secondary recognises the try-hards.

DD was like this in primary, overlooked / not very good at anything.

Secondary has been much better as they give stamps for behaving nicely and credits for trying hard etc.

Do something not team related?
Martial arts/ Musical instrument, etc. You can gain confidence because harder you work, you can gain reward by passing a grade and getting proper certificate.

I guess if he wants to be good at something and be recognised for it he needs to work harder.

If it's football he wants to play move him to the best club you can reasonably travel to and attend every training sessions available. Make sure he goes out and runs and practises his ball skills at school. If it's some other sport- then take that equally seriously.

When he is better at something, he will get picked. But it doesn't just fall in your lap. Maybe some kids are coasting on their talent, but your DS obviously isn't, so he either needs to pull out some grit and work to get picked, or not be bothered if he isn't.

practises his ball skills at school

meant out of school

I guess if he wants to be good at something and be recognised for it he needs to work harder.

There is a few things I would advice . My Ds loves sport and shouts loudly so does get picked sometimes.

However I did move him to a less successful cricket team so he fit in better.

Also with Cubs you can do a lot of badges at home a sleeve full of badges is a good boost .

My Ds is also trying far harder at high school for personal merits rather than house points that went into a pot

Ask to see the headteacher. Ask why they don’t celebrate the achievements of ALL pupils.

That’s why in primary, the school my dcs were at ensurevthat everyone that wanted to have ago and be part of team wouod be able to participate.
If it means the tam was going to loose, then so be it. ensuring that everyone could have a go was seen as more important.

I think they had that right.

Ds (9) is that child. It’s not a case of working harder, it’s a case of being invisible. Ds broke my heart when he was younger saying that he was going to have to work even harder next week so he could be star of the week... I knew he wouldn’t and he didn’t... I tried to explain how it all works but he was certain that it was because he wasn’t working hard enough. I have no idea why he’s invisible but he always has been 😢 (except to us of course!).

This was my ds too OP. Good at sport, not outstanding but never picked. Bright but not top of the class. Secondary was better as the pushy parents lost their grip. BUT my Ds is now a semi professional sportsman, he peaked later than his peers. Sometimes the ones in the slower lane at first end up ahead.

I'm not really sure why we think children should be "rewarded" for just being normal.

Those picked for teams etc will be the best, and he's just not the best, so that's why he's not being picked. It's not a slight on him - he's just a normal boy, and that's how life works.

There are plenty of ways he can personally work towards recognition. Cub badges, as someone upthread said, are perfect for this, as is martial arts, where he can obtain a grading, instruments where he can pass his grades, swimming certificates and moving up stages. With all of these, he will be rewarded for the level he personally reaches - not about his relative position within a group. He will, however, have to work hard to achieve. This is the direction I'd be encouraging him to take - it could be such a boost to his confidence to have an achievable goal to work towards, and to see his hard work pay off.

mrs But why should children be 'rewarded' just because they happen to be more naturally talented at something?

I think at primary there should be an ethos that anyone who wants a go at something should get the chance, and that kids who try hard should be noticed and praised.

Far too often the 'bright but lazy' are considered 'better' than the 'average but hardworking' when really it should be the other way around.

Yes the ethos of letting everyone have a go will change at secondary, but by then the children are older and more resilient.

I think you're always going to have people who think everyone should get a chance, and people who think it's right and proper that the best get chosen.

The latter are usually those who have children who are quite good at something but I don't really want to get into whether it's fair. Personally as someone who crap at sports myself I'd like to see everyone get a go at doing something.

I don't think ds lacks effort in sport, I've already said he goes to every sports club he possibly can, he spends hours in the garden kicking a ball around, he goes to every holiday football camp he can.

He's fit as a fiddle and can run a fair distance, cycle up the biggest hills, he's just not very good at sports.

I'm looking for ideas to boost his self esteem really rather than debating.

tallzarazara I understand exactly what you are saying!

My DS is similar although he has been chosen for stuff however he often loses out to other more verbal kids. Quite often their confidence is taken for competence

My advice is to encourage him in stuff he enjoys or is good at.
Ask him to volunteer for stuff.
Eventually his efforts will be rewarded, if not at primary but perhaps at Secondary

Our school has kids who are very confident & pushy parents who interfere but I have noticed my son (also yr6) also become more confident as he has got older.

He also finds it amusing some selections the school makes.

No easy answers but

DS’s primary had an ongoing award scheme. He never seemed to get very many compared to his peers, despite being bright and well behaved. I asked his teacher about it and he basically said that the kids who were always good tended to get overlooked while the more difficult ones were noticed when they were good and so got rewarded. At least he was honest! DS eventually got to the Platinum level but was very cynical about the whole thing by then.

Eventually his efforts will be rewarded, if not at primary but perhaps at Secondary
Don't count on it - he'll just be a small fish in an even bigger pond. Not that this brings back memories of being that tiny little fish drowning in the ocean or anything

Our school has a stupid scheme where the children who get 100% attendance get a visit from the ice cream van

This coming from a school that promotes healthy eating at every opportunity.

My dd is in year 3 and has chronic asthma so is never going to get the sodding ice cream as she is sick a few times a year.

She has had star of the week twice since September which surprised me. She didn't get it until after Easter in year 2.

One little girl in dd's school who is now in year 6 has had pupil of the year every single year since starting. The other kids in the class must wonder why they bother!

Find him a sport or activity he is good at?

There are so many sports out there- if he's fit and strong there will be something he can do.

My DS is rubbish at the 'major sports' at his school, but he's excelling in an out of school sport- he can take certificates/ medals etc into school to show. It's a big self-esteem saver.

I know this feeling. My kids school so pupil of the week so with 38 weeks in the school year and kids in the class each kids should get at least on certificate a year right? My ds is in year 6 and just got his 3rd maybe how 4th at most. And one of them was a full class one (so imo doesn't count).

I remember at secondary school we were given gold stickers, three tickets equalled a point and after so many points you got a certificate in assembly. The kids that got the most were the exceptionally gifted or the naughty kids who when they behaved got showered in them 😡

Ds is this kid, with the added fun of a disability that means sport is out. But never reads in assembly either.
It may be petty but we totally belittle them at home, never make any fuss of assemblies or anything.
And I think people are being disengenuous if they think practising more will make a difference. There are favourites.

Those picked for teams etc will be the best, and he's just not the best, so that's why he's not being picked

You know there's an obesity crisis don't you? The country is full of people who are 'bad' at sports so give up rather than continually fail to be chosen

School sports should be for everyone - not just the 'best players' the same for rewards evenings when they've spent all year telling the kids they are all equal - except when it comes to sport

Take DD brilliant academic and has won national awards - no mention on the website - BUT another child is picked to play obscure sport and she's blasted as 'brilliant' on the website - it's a two year system.

I vote sports for all because it is supppsed to raise self esteem and sportsmanship

School sports are for everyone, you don't get to opt out of PE, but there's also teams, where they compete with other schools, you cannot have everyone competing in those, a team is a team, there's a limited number of places. If the selection is just for recreational football club in the school, then that is inappropriate - but I'd be surprised that happens at any state school?

OP, kids are picked or get recognition for things they're good at, whatever that might be. Kids tend to be good at things they're interested in, due to the positive feedback loop that results, so what does he actually enjoy and is good at? The conversation seemed to be expecting recognition just for trying, rather than "why am I not recognised for my amazing tiddles and stunning winks?"

You say he's fit as a fiddle and can run and cycle well - does the school not do cross country, are there no cycle races around? He's not good at football, if he's fit, drop the skill sports and focus on the fitness ones.

Firstly, I haven't once said that I expect him to be picked, I asked how people in similar positions help their dc.

Secondly, yes the school does cross country, athletics, I meant it when I said he tries out for everything and gets picked for nothing.

Thirdly I can't tell my 10 year old son to give up football, he loves football, he lives and breathes it. I've tried to gently encourage him into other sports that he might be better at, but I can't force him.

Besides, it isn't just football, it's every sport he's tried, he's just not that good at sports. But he loves to play, he feels he's trying his best and is down about never getting chosen.