If your child never gets chosen for anything, how do you deal with it?

[Tallzarazara]

Ds is in year 6, he said to me yesterday "mum, I've been at that school for 6 years, and never, not even once have I been chosen for anything".

I didn't know what to say, because it's true.

He's not got that good at sports, but he loves sports all the same, does every after school club, tries out for every team, but never ever gets picked. To make matters worse, the only time he got a letter saying he'd been chosen for something, it turned out it had been given to the wrong child and was withdrawn

Every month there's some tournament or another with the same names popping up.

He's plods along academically, doesn't struggle but isn't top of the class, but he's never going to be picked for the gifted and talented days or anything like that or chosen for any outstanding work.

He's does Cubs and football outside of school, never gets man of the match or wins anything.

I get that there are kids who may be just better at stuff or whose parents run the school teams but that isn't any consolation to ds who is feeling left out.

This school sounds very competitive. What sort of secondary schools are you considering for him?

It's difficult. My DD, 10 is very shy, quiet etc.
Moved schools two years ago.
Since then she has worked so very hard and achieved so much academically.

At their annual certificate ceremony she had zero recognition for this.

She didn't understand why this was the case, while another student who is quite frankly a nasty, spiteful child to everyone she comes across unless you're in her 'group' got seven certificates, including being voted classmate of the year.

It broke my heart to see her feel her efforts were so under appreciated.
No matter how many times I told her how proud I was of her, she felt dejected.

It's sad that hard working kids are over looked when they are quiet and don't cause trouble.

Maybe ask him whether he wants to specialise when it comes to football? Different positions require different skills. A defender won't play the same as a striker, and so on.

It's all well and good being fit and everything, but maybe he could really focus on doing one aspect of the game very well. For example if he focuses on being a defender he needs to be excellent at marking opposition players. He needs to practice this specifically. If he focuses on being a winger he needs to be able to run with the ball for long distances extremely smoothly. If he wants to focus on being a striker he needs to practice finding openings and taking shots (but there's often a lot of competition for striker spots, so if he wants to get picked another position might be better).

Talk to the coach(es), ask about his weak points and ask what skills he can work on in order to improve, and what makes the difference between being picked and not picked. Specifically work on those skills that they mention, and then follow it up in a few weeks saying "Is he any better at those skills you said, is he any closer to being picked?"

Make sure to mention briefly that you're worried he's not being picked simply because he's not loud and shouty, rather than because of his skill level, just to maybe remind the coaches that this is an easy thing to let happen. Get them to look at him with fresh eyes and really coach him, rather than just ticking him off as "Boy, 10, turns up, meh" week after week.

My ds isn't good at sport. But also tries hard at everything. Gets above average for effort in PE.
He has been doing martial arts since reception. The result is amazing. Not just that he now got black belt, but all those training has paid off. He has got so much stamina and aces long running.
I know it's hard to discourage children, but just love it doesn't mean you are good at it.
And if you can't enjoy just being part of the team, that you need to be picked and praised to be happy, then team sports might not the thing for him.

Sport teams are usually for everyone in ks1 but start to get competitive in ks2 (especially football) so you need to find a weaker out of team school who matches your ds ability so he gets to play.

My kids have all done sport out of school only and it's never been the football as that seems to be the worst for competitiveness. My sons have done martial arts and enjoyed the confidence that comes with doing a sport that nobody else at school does. They are sportier than average do would probably make the cut for school teams but aren't outstanding and scoring goals so wouldn't volunteer for the school team anyway.

Sport teams are usually for everyone in ks1 but start to get competitive in ks2

Which is why a lot of kids give up on sports - it's totally wrong in so many ways

What of the weaker academic kids were pushed out and 'not bothered with'?

Why is the PE department allowed to do this?

Let them all play pull names out of hat - give others a turn the following week. Every school should do this.

Green Tulips, I do believe school do. At least my ds's school do. But at the same time, children grow up and start to see the difference in ability by yr3. So, if the child starts to feel they aren't good enough for team, they drop out themselves, not forced out, at least at our school. They still play football including everyone who wants to join at lunch time.

So, if the child starts to feel they aren't good enough for team, they drop out themselves

How sad that a 7 year old has worked out they aren't good enough

Your poor DS OP.

I totally agree that every child needs to be awarded something every now and then to reward their effort and keep them motivated. I take it the school never did a 'star of the week' thing which everyone would get? I know some are cynical but if the award specifically describes something the child has tried hard at it can make a real difference. Also among the end of year prizes there should be some (or ideally many) that reward effort in a certain field rather than achievement. I think it's worth having a word with the school to explain how DS feels.

In terms of support at school, it sounds like you're doing this already, but I would continue to praise my DC for how hard they are working. And given he is now in Y6, I might try and explain that you think the school has not always taken the right approach to awarding / picking pupils for things.

Soon or later they do, don't they? It is sad, but then they can move onto something else. My ds made a good choice. He went to a football club as a toddler. He didn't enjoy it. So he quite. He joined martial arts instead. Did very well.

My ds have had exactly the same problem. I think that primary school should be about giving children opportunities to try new things and not about always picking ‘the best’. Some of ‘the best’ children from ds’s school have actually found secondary difficult because suddenly they are not ‘the chosen ones’ who got picked for everything at primary. I have found secondary much more inclusive. Ds1 has been recognised for his effort and enthusiasm and his talent in maths. Perhaps we have been lucky. We also celebrated his particular skills at home (he loves cooking, lego and computing)

Ds2 was never picked for the football team so like pp have said we found a local team which has the ethos in including all. He is doing really well and is much happier.

I do find it hard that ds primary school seems to create a small group of children who are picked for everything. It is a view held by some of the teachers as well as many of the parents. It does not benefit anyone except maybe the ego of the teachers who run the sports clubs.

It's a bit shit that less able children feel the need to 'drop out' of sports though, is it not?

Anyway, it's easy if your child is good at at least one sport, or if they just don't like sport.

Unfortunately I seem to be in the position of having a child who has all the enthusiasm but none of the ability.

I've tried to take the stance "it's not that you're bad, it's just that they're really, really good".

"Anyway, it's easy if your child is good at at least one sport, or if they just don't like sport."

hmm, it's not really like that in my ds's case, my ds has problem with co-ordination. It took years to come to this stage. And we(me, as a parent, and him as a child) worked really hard to get this stage.

Irvine what I was meaning was it's fine to think, "football is not for me, but I'm really good at running", or, "I'm not great at sports but I shine in maths".

Ds hasn't found his 'thing'.

That's fine, he's average, there's nothing wrong with being average.

But it can knock kids confidence when they feel they're invisible.

OP. My DD2 isn't good at anything. Not academics, or sport, or singing/music, or speaking aloud.

We handle it:
a) by picking a secondary that values all children and rewards hard work
b) talking up her other qualities, being kind, caring etc
c) praising effort
d) encouraging non-competitive activities

Thanks teentimestwo I think you get where I'm coming from.

That's all I was asking really, if anyone has been in the same boat and how they kept their child motivated.

I think I've got a few ideas of thing we can do this coming half term that will be personal achievements and time together.

I really don't know what to say OP, but what I wanted to say is that if you decided to pursue something, you would get reward just by doing it.
My ds decided team sports wasn't thing for him, he did better at individual sports. But if your ds wants to be part of the team, he could, by being a reliable member, not the one who scores, but the one who is respected as a team player, etc. In team sports, it's difficult to be recognised as an individual, unless you are truly outstanding. Most of children won't. But they enjoy t anyway.

The thing is, you can't be praised for being a 'reliable player' if you aren't good enough to be picked in the first place.

True, Teen. Maybe we are in the different kind of school. At least at our school, anyone who wants to join the club gets the place, regardless of ability at first. There aren't much of competition. But on one of the sports, it is doing rather good within the county.

Steps I've taken.

Called school out on star of the week being biased, more about don't just pick my child but at least keep a list and spread it round. Yep she was chosen that week 🙄

Asked school if I could sponsor an end of year prize for commitment rather than achievement that sounds awful but it actually had a good name.

I had the grace to do this after dd left.

I took dd to some niche out of school activities or set things up for her so for example she has great circus skills, is a fantastic roller skater, roller skated a marathon for charity at 11.

Broke a couple of Guinness World records.

She was in the top ten in the UK for pole vault, a credible DJ and pretty good at photoshop by 13.

Dd wasn't picked for anything much at school, I could see by the time she was 10 her confidence was dwindling hence the interventions, she left with sky high confidence, a belief in herself and respect from other pupils.

Top advice really is don't leave it to the school.

Yes a parent at junior school donated a prize for someone who tried hard at sport - rather than 'top player' etc

But I don't think awards help kids who should be on a level playing field

What IS he good at? You need to find his thing and encourage him to do it religiously. They all have a skill it’s just about finding it. Music? Art? Singing? Helping others? What does he want to do when he grows up? Find something to focus on, that he’s good at and he can excel there. Maybe you think he hasn’t got a skill? He will have something you just need to find out what it is!!

This is unfortunately the way it is in every school( lots) I have had dealings with. When your child is the one who gets picked you might not have the insight. My pfb DD was old in the year and generally amiable and good at things. I was proud when she was picked to do a reading or whatever.Summer Born DSes got themselves noticed by being silly, this still didn't mean they got picked needless to say. Their junior school did try hard to have merits for tons of things but the same children who tried their hardest and succeeded in one sphere did in others too. Generally my sons felt it was fair as they weren't the best or the fastest or the tidiest or whatever . They would however feel aggrieved if accolades were given ,in what to a child with heightened senses to this sort of thing, for the wrong reasons in their eyes eg to encourage good behaviour in a naughty child or worse when there was a whiff of parental pressure. It is easy to feel upset on their behalf but learning resilience comes from these issues. 'Try your best, you can't do more and Dad and I will be/ are very proud of you. ' Lots of things , especially for under 11s are an accident of birth eg tall/ fast/ well coordinated/ early reader etc and not as such something to be proud of.

Lots of good ideas here. I think don't leave it to the school is key here really.

I'm not sure what he's good at, I mean he's good at things of course, but not enough to get noticed iyswim? I mean that fine, you've got the kids that excel at sports and get picked for everything. But ds feels like EVERYONE has had a turn at SOMETHING.