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Primary education

Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

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Original poster

Little one not settling in reception

34 replies

Awwsome · 28/09/2018 09:52

My dd started school about 2.5 weeks back. Ahe cried first couple of days and then was fine to go without any crying. This week they all went full time.

For first 1.5 weeks she was fine. She carries packed lunch. She is a very slow eater and with all the new school routine was very tired and stressed so she stopped having breakfast. I gave her a bigger lunch as she didnt have breakfast just thinking if she is too hungry. Apparently one of the staff must have told her to finish her food and that stressed her out. So she started to tell me to give little bit of food only. So next day i gave less and she finished all of it. After coming home I asked her if it was a bit less and if there were more food would you have had it and she said yes. So next day again i gave more which she brought back. But Suddenly on Monday morning this week she got very upset and anxious and started to tell me she doesn’t want to go to school and that I should tell her teacher that i wont eat home food or school food.

She has been very upset saying she doesn’t want to go to school at all. She said she doesn’t like the teaching assistant as she asked her to finish the food. She said she is upset coz she wants to be with me and she misses me a lot and doesn’t like when I dropped her off. While going to bed, after waking up in the morning or even if she is up in the middle of the night - her first sentence is i dont want to go to school. She has never cried this much even on her first couple of days. This entire week she has gone without food for almost 22 hours. As she would have her dinner at around 6ish and she hs food only once she comes home at around 4. At school they offer her snack twice which she doesn’t take. Lunch time she has started crying and is rejecting all the food.

Today they gave her rice from school as she didn’t want to have home food. Staff said she finished it off. But dd says she just had a little bit. Tomorrow i am not going to carry her packed lunch and see how it goes. Anyone had similar problems? Any advice would be much appreciated..

Fyi - she was premature by 2 months and just completed 4 years in August. I don’t know if age is one of the reason as she being the youngest. She does hve food issues and she wont eat anything when we are out or even in restaurants even if its her favorite food. She can starve herself for whole day and will just eat only once we are home. I believe its the environment as well that she doesn’t like when we are outdoors although she is very happy and enjoys being at restaurants but wont touch a bit of food even if she has been without food for 10 hours straight.

I am really worried and thinking whether i should have opted to delay her school start year.

Sorry for the long post.

Please guide.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

AjasLipstick · 28/09/2018 10:23

I think the best thing would be for you to book a meeting with her teacher and discuss how they can help make lunchtimes nicer for DD.

She's obviously very stressed though the fact that she ate some rice is very good.

The school need to implement something to ensure she feels safe and relaxed and not under any pressure to eat.

I would also ask them to ensure that the lunchtime staff know not to push her to eat.

starpatch · 28/09/2018 10:28

Sorry your little one is stressed OP. You have a right to part-time hours for whole reception year so you could go back to collecting her at the end of morning school if you wish. It is part of the school admissions code.

fastfooder · 28/09/2018 10:39

I would just speak to the teacher and the ta explain what’s going on and that she isn’t a big eater and for them to just let her eat what she wants out of her packed lunch and leave it at that and also not to rush her. (I would take her something to eat straight after school as well) also if she isn’t eating a regular breakfast I would try new things eg, coco pops (not the healthiest thing but you gotta do what you gotta do sometimes).

namechanger48532 · 28/09/2018 11:01

How long does she get to eat her lunch OP? Afew of my mum friends with children in primary school have recently complained about how little time they have for their lunch. It sounds like they putting too much pressure on her so she just isn't eating at all.

I would definitely arrange a meeting with her teacher. Is it not possible for her to have extra time for her lunch or somewhere more private.

Original poster

Awwsome · 28/09/2018 11:14

@Namechanger

I wasnt sure if that was an option. All they said in time she might get better. Her class teacher was off sick today so will need to check this on Monday.

OP posts:

Original poster

Awwsome · 28/09/2018 11:15

At home she takes uptil around an hour. But at school they only allow 20 mins

OP posts:

newhousenewstart · 28/09/2018 11:17

My DD had some birth problems resulting in having a smaller than normal stomach. She used t feel hungry but could only then manage a tiny bit of food. This was years ago but we started her with school lunches and were told to stop as she just didn’t actually eat anything. She wanted salad but the staff usually finished that before the children! So we tried different things in a packed lunch box. In the end it didn’t actually matter what was in it because she was dreadfully under weight and if she’d eaten a mars bar everyone would have been relieved.
Anyway after weeks of this we found that if she took control each morning with her lunch she was much more likely to eat it. So she eventually settled on two crackers with ham. She made these herself ( obviously with supervision) and would even sometimes add a satsuma or something. I know hardly enough to keep a 4 year old going but better then nothing. Sorry that’s a bit long winded but I think what I’m trying to say is your little girl must be finding all this so unsettling and maybe giving her some control at a time when she must feel she’s being very controlled by all the adults ,at help

AjasLipstick · 28/09/2018 11:18

An hour is a long time OP. I would work gently towards having her speed up a bit. Do you make her sit at the table until she's eaten everything?

My younger DD has many small meals instead of three large ones and I've found that helps. Find foods which are easier for her to eat and focus on helping her to begin to concentrate on eating.

Original poster

Awwsome · 28/09/2018 11:19

I also thought of part time hours but was worried if this issue still starts again for next year. Also at the same time didn't want her to loose out on the things she could learn at school.

Btw she woke up quite happy today morning saying that i will go to school as its friday so 2 days holiday and will even eat lunch. But suddenly within half an hour i dont know what got into her and she again started to say that I don't want to go. When I dropped her she started to cry uncontrollably.

OP posts:

itbemay · 28/09/2018 11:22

My DD started reception age 4y and 1 month, far too little, she used to cry everyday going in, cling to my leg, awful! this lasted for over 4 weeks and was so stressful, she did settle in the end, if I had the option to hold her back a year I would have (shes 18 now).

Original poster

Awwsome · 28/09/2018 11:23

I understand an hour is a long thing but i never force her to finish. She has the habit if watching tv and eating and that's the problem coz she keeps her food in the mouth amd that's why tales ages to eat it. But on the other hand if i dont let her watch she non stops talks ( a complete chatterbox) and wont eat. She has a very ahort attention span too. Sometimes if she cant find interesting what she is watching then she wont eat

OP posts:

Tinythenewt · 28/09/2018 11:24

Your poor little girl. She is so young, and school is a huge overwhelming place. My DC1 did nothing but cry at school for a long time. By nothing, I really mean nothing. He did not eat, drink, use the toilet or take part in lessons.

I would definitely go and speak to school. Maybe you could put a small amount of a few different things that you know she likes in her lunch box. Maybe, ask school to put no pressure on her to eat, but ask if they would be willing to give her several chances during the day to eat a little bit. She could take a little sandwich/some fruit/a cereal bar etc into the play ground with her during morning and afternoon play time. Maybe she would eat a bit if she could sit on a bench or in a quiet corner of the play ground.

The dining room is a big, noisy and busy place. I hope that your DD settles soon.

neighneigh · 28/09/2018 11:24

Sorry if this has been covered, and you do say she has some problems with food, but have you made her lunch as easy to eat and small pieces of food as possible? I remember watching a boy at nursery try to get his chops around a bagel, he just couldn't manage it and gave up. Have you tried finger sandwiches, chopped up apple, no packets for her to open etc? Just to make it physically easier?

Original poster

Awwsome · 28/09/2018 11:25

I had the option to delay her by a year, but i was advised by nursery staff that she is at the level mentally to start and is important for her growth and stimulation and all.

OP posts:

Original poster

Awwsome · 28/09/2018 11:27

Yeah her food is easier for her to eat earlier she was diagnosed woth sensory issues and she has only a handful if thibgs that she eats. She sometimes wint even try new things. So i give her only what she asks

OP posts:

ballseditupforever · 28/09/2018 11:27

Why is your daughter not eating breakfast? You can't send her to school on an empty stomach. I'm the most laid back always running late parent ever but I would never send my children to school without breakfast.

You need a routine and to get up earlier. Did she go to nursery?why isn't she having school dinners? All the children do in my infant school since they were made free.

You sound terribly stressed and anxious.

CripsSandwiches · 28/09/2018 11:27

As PP have said have a word with the school. The school lunch thing is easily resolved of course she shouldn't have to finish her food. I always pack lots for my 2 when they need packed lunches as their appetite varies and anything that isn't eaten at lunch time they have as a snack after school. It might be possible for her teacher to give her more support and encouragement during the day if she knows DD isn't settled yet.

ballseditupforever · 28/09/2018 11:30

Also, does she have silent reflux? My friends daughter was still being medicated well into junior school.

Original poster

Awwsome · 28/09/2018 11:32

She is not eating as she is terrified to go to school. She wakes up between 6 to 6.30 so ample time there to have enough food but once she is up she is i am tired, i want to sleep and you lie down with me....things like that. I tried offering her every option i could even biscuits, chips , cakes, but nothing worked.

OP posts:

Maryann1975 · 28/09/2018 11:32

Is it a fairly big school she goes to? My son struggled with the noise of the dinner hall when he first started, there were about 200 children at his school and although they wouldn’t all have been in there, he too was a slow eater and by half way through his lunch time, there would have been a significant number of children eating around him. He got used to it eventually (his old sister usd to find him and sit near him to give him some encouragement), but it may be worth asking if they can put your dd somewhere else with a couple of other children to eat lunch while she settles in to school, that might help her a bit. I have known this happen at another school, where the child used to make herself sick with worry at every dinner time. Long before Christmas she was fine and eating dinner in the hall with everyone else.

If she ate some of the school dinner it might be worth letting her try a bit of that (are you in England? School dinners are free for reception children here)would eating the same as the other children help her to eat a little of her lunch?

Original poster

Awwsome · 28/09/2018 11:33

Now she hasn't got any reflux issues. At home although slow but have started asking for food and is hungry and has proper meals.

OP posts:

Original poster

Awwsome · 28/09/2018 11:35

Yeah its a 4FE school fairly big. And i am in london. The only concern with school lunch was I wouldn't know how much she had and she being a person who only eats handful of things i felt it was better to let her have hime food

OP posts:

AjasLipstick · 28/09/2018 11:36

I would definitely turn the TV off whilst she eats. Do you eat with her? If not, it's important to do that.

Original poster

Awwsome · 28/09/2018 11:38

I have been trying to shut the tv off but then she runs away or talks non stop which makes it more difficult to feed her. And although she knows how to eat but just choses not to and asks me to feed her and wont eat if i dont feed her.

OP posts:

AjasLipstick · 28/09/2018 11:41

So your issues are running quite deep here. I would try something completely different such as an indoor picnic.

Tell her you're having a picnic and spread a blanket on the floor, get her to help lay out the plates and cups and food.
If yo can involve her in preparing the food, even better.

Then sit together on the blanket and eat...make up a game where you imagine you're in different places.

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